When I was a kid, there were a number of things that I never wanted to do. I never wanted to get chased by a rabid dog down the street, I never wanted to eat beets, I never wanted to get folded up into a pull out sofa and left there for days.
I have successfully avoided all of these things (suck it, beets!) up until now. But, there is one thing that I was hoping I'd never have to do during my adulthood. And that is endure 4 hours (2 episodes) of The Bachelor. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that terror has been realized.
Tonight is night 1 of a two-night special edition of The Bachelor. It's kind of like a documentary they make you watch in school that you don't want to watch. But you can't put your head down and go to sleep because you're sitting right in front of the teachers desk.
As I watch the intro, I'm already regretting this episode. Tomorrow's episode looks way more entertaining with someone getting frozen or something. But, as whoever said, the show must go on.
Just 11 of Sean's girlfriends remain, still in search for true love. Harrison shows up at the house to announce that there will be a 2 on 1 date, a group date and a 1 on 1 date. He then tells the girls that they'll be going to Montana. All of the girls erupt in excitement. Sean is shown landing in Montana first and he talks about how he's an "outdoorsy" and a camping person. The guy is way to shiny and clean cut to be "outdoorsy". Outdoorsy is apparently a word? Anyway, my guess is the closest thing he's ever come to camping is when he stopped at Gander Mountain to take a piss.
When they arrive in Whitefish, Montana, a few of the girls tell us how excited they are to not only be in Montana, but to be in Montana and get to see their boyfriend who is dating 10 other women besides them. One girl tries to convince us that it was Sean who paid for their lakeside hotel suite and this was all his idea. I've run out of jokes for this.
Lindsay gets the 1 on 1 date and cries in excitement while the rest of the girls are mad. Sean walks into the room so all of them pretend they're happy for Lindsay. Sean takes her outside to A HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!111111111IUWBHLRBRVIJBERIBV
Sean provide is early nomination for the Quote Of The Week by saying, "...And can I just say that this is the most badass helicopter ever?" I don't get what the big deal is, it's nothing special. I've seen better helicopters. In person even. You can go to downtown buffalo and see helicopters that have guns and stuff on them. Those are pretty badass. This one is just black. That's the only thing that's different.
Unless it's filled with steaks. If it's filled with steaks, then I'd say he has a point.
Sean and Lindsay take a tour of Glacier National Park in the helicopter. Lindsay squeals when she finds this out. They land to have lunch and Lindsay talks about how close she feels to Sean after knowing him for a couple weeks. Sean says he likes Lindsay because she's not high maintenance and then they make out a bunch. Lindsay says she feels blessed for being able to date a guy who has 11 other girlfriends and fly around in helicopters.
Later on in the night, Sean and Lindsay hang out underneath a moose head mounted on a wall. Lindsay talks about how her father was a 2 star general and she never really got to see him because he was always fighting in a war. Then, you guessed it, they start to make out and pet each other's legs.
Back at the house, the group date card comes and all but Jackie and Tierra are going on the group date. Tierra rubs it in to the rest of the girls about how she's not on the group date and they all complain about her, including Jackie.
Back to the make out session under the moose, Sean gives Lindsay a rose and then tells her he has one last surprise for her. They go outside to downtown Whitefish where a bunch of paid actors are waiting. One guy high fives Sean as he walks past them, because he wants double the rate from ABC and acting like you care is the only way to do it. Sean and Lindsay, who is wearing a giant blanket for a scarf, get onto an elevated dance floor so they can enjoy a concern by Sarah Darling. Another person I don't know, but she's a country singer. She sings while also wearing a giant blanket for a scarf and then Sean and Lindsay make out as the crowd cheers. Lindsay talks about how perfect Sean is for setting up this date. I....I don't have the strength anymore.
Next is the group date. Sean takes girls out to the middle of nowhere and find Harrison hanging out with goats. Harrison reveals that the girls are going to be divided into 2 teams and go through sort of a Bachelor version of an iron man race, if the iron man race involved bleached teeth and hairspray. First a canoe race, then they buck hay, followed by sawing logs of wood. Finally, they milk a goat and then they have to drink the milk. A faint laugh by the ABC producers is heard in the background as the girls all look shocked and disgusted.
The girls get handed red and blue table clothes to wear for the race. The winning team will get more time with Sean and the losing team must go back to the house to complain about how they don't get time with Sean. the race starts and intense music plays as the girls do a horrible job at pretending they know what they're doing while rowing a boat. The red teams boat is being rowed by Selma and Robyn and they crash into all sorts of stuff. Selma refers to reeds as bushes because she's totally an "outdoorsy" person. (confirmed, Word likes outdoorsy). The blue team gets way ahead until the wood log cutting. The girls cut through wood in a length of time that would make The Brawny Man reconsider a career in lumberjacking, asking himself "is this who is representing our cause these days?" And then he'd smother an owl.
The red team ends up pulling ahead and Desiree seems way too okay with drinking milk that came from a goat. The word "nipple" gets used a lot. The red team celebrated their victory in perfect outdoorsman fashion by drinking champagne out of chalices.
Harrison makes a surprise visit to the blue team back at the lodge and gives the team a surprise date card. ABC's producers realize they haven't had enough feminine hostility on the show, so they decide to have the blue team go and join the party. I can't wait until they show up and the red team gets mad. No one has been injured in this episode so far, but the odds have just gone up a bit.
Back at the restaurant, Sean and the red team are drinking dubious amounts of alcohol and he drops the bomb on the red team about the blue team coming to the party. Desiree complains about how she chugged goats milk for no reason. Robyn complains about how them winning ultimately didn't amount to anything. One Armed Girl complains about how she has to share Sean with more than 4 other girls. (chance of cat fight, up 50%.)
As the blue team makes their way to the party, the camera goes back and forth between them saying how excited they are for the party, and Robyn, Selma and Desiree complaining about how they are getting screwed. When they get there, they're all smiles while the red team is a face full of hate. Then, Tierra also decides to show up to steal Sean away from the girls. Even though the cameras are in perfect position to see her randomly coming, and the producers asks Sean on camera if he's expecting any more surprises for the night, Tierra sneaks up behind Sean like she's about to strangle him with fiber wire.
She takes him outside to talk about how she wants to spend time with him and not on a 2 on 1. He tells her that they're going to have fun on the date and then they make out some more. She then runs off and Sean says he doesn't know what to make of it.
\
He walks back in to hang out with his other 8 girlfriends and each of them steal him to tell him how they feel so connected to him after talking to him for 10 seconds. AshLEE is the first to drop the "LOVE" bomb. Daniella tries to go out and take Sean away from Catherine, but she stops herself when she sees Catherine sitting on his lap. She then goes back in and cries to Desiree about it. Then Sean comes in to take Daniella talk and she uses this valuable time to cry some more to him and snot runs from her nose. Then, she goes in for the kill and they make out. Why are you reading this? Don't you have anything better to do?
Jackie and Tierra get the date card that says there will be only 1 rose on the date. One girl will get it and the other girl will go home. Jackie claims she knows that she will get it despite Tierra being a huge manipulator. ABC is laughing because they know Tierra isn't going anywhere.
The girls drive out to a ranch and see Sean riding on a horse. They both talk about how hot he is riding a horse and then they join him for a ride. They ride their horses up to a tent to have lunch. Tierra refers to Sean as her husband and laughs that Jackie has to be there with them. Then, Jackie and Sean go to be alone wile Tierra sits and complains about Jackie.
Jackie hints to Sean that Tierra is fake and he shouldn't have her around anymore. She tells Sean that, when they were at the airport, Tierra started flirting with another guy who was there. Again, the cameras always miss the good stuff.
Later on, they all sit to eat dinner at a lodge. Dramatic music plays as the tension rises between the two girls. Sean takes Tierra to talk alone with her. Tierra talks about her dead boyfriend and her eyebrow pushes up the ceiling. Then they go back to the table to eat and so Tierra and Jackie can give each other dirty looks. Sean ends up giving the rose to Tierra because she drives ratings and dumps Jackie. He walks her out and she tells him that Tierra is a jerk. Then Tierra and Sean sit by the water as fireworks are shot off.
Next is the drunken cocktail party. The girls all sit in a room and glare at Tierra. Tierra says she wants to punch the other girls (injury potential 60%). Then she gets up and storms out of the room, (injury potential 20%). She sits by a giant fireplace alone and the other girls contemplate pushing her into it.
Robyn goes over to talk to Tierra and they fight over nothing. It's hard to understand what they're saying because they just try to talk over each other. Tierra then tells off the girls so they go into another room to complain about her. Then, the producers tell Sean to walk through the room while Tierra is yelling. It's a hilarious moment for me.
Sean takes Tierra out to talk and so she can complain some more. Sean then takes Leslie out and asks her if Tierra is different when he's not around, because he can't go back and watch any of the footage that has been shot so far. She doesn't tell him that because she doesn't want him to be mad at her. He then kind of yells at her about how no one is giving him a straight answer. Harrison then swings in to take Sean away and Tierra glares at the rest of the women.
I am so bored.
Back from break, Sean and Harrison sit down to talk about how weird the night was. The conversation gets really boring. More boring than a state of the union address. Then Sean drops a bomb by saying, "I don't know if my wife is in that room." and super sad music plays. I would send him a thank you card if he just ended this season right now.
And finally, at the Rose Ceremony, Harrison tells the girls that Sean is not a happy camper. Sean then comes out and gives the girls roses. He dumps Robyn and Selma tells the rest of the girls to be scared of Tierra.
Robyn basically calls Sean an idiot for keeping Tierra over her and then she cries.
Remember, tomorrow is another 2 hours of hate. I hope I get attacked by wasps so I don't have to watch.
Edit: My spell check says "outdoorsy" is okay, but the name Tierra is incorrect. It's a sign.
