Anyway, Sean will ask "Hey Dad, I know I'm dating 3 other women besides your daughter, but I want to ask if it's ok to have your daughters hand in marriage if I decide to take her over my other aforementioned girlfriends."
AshLEE gets the first visit and it's in Houston, Texas. Before Sean gets to meet AshLEE's parents, he meets up with AshLEE and her dog Bailey, to sit on a blanket, and talk in the middle of a field to drink alcohol.
AsLEE
says, “To bring home this man, I’ve been excited about this for as far back as
I can
remember.” When did she think about this? When she was 3? 4? That’s
impressive considering
there’s a good chance that she was sitting in her poppy
diaper watching Sesame
Street
age.
AshLEE
and Sean continue to talk about how much they have in common. Both of their
fathers
are preachers at churches. So, I’m sure when they both told their
respective fathers they were
going on this show, it went over well.
AshLEe
then reminds Sean about how great of a person he is because he’s like her
adoptive
father and then puts her hand on his leg near his crotch. It’s
awkward. Even Bailey looks like he’s
ready to run from the moment. Sean
responds by telling her how amazing she is, and she says,
“God, you amaze me.
Everytime.” There’s so much amazement between these two that they
make out.
AshLEE says she full trusts Sean with her heart now. Last week, she was worried
that
Sean thought she was a drama queen, but all of that’s gone now because he
said she’s
amazing.
Finally, Sean gets to meet his first family. AshLEE's dad is a tall man with hair that looks like a bird just got tangled up in it and a mustache that deserves it's own area code.
They eat lunch at a table in the middle of a field, which is kind of weird. AshLEE's father wants to talk about the journey they've had so far. AshLEE brings up the polar bear plunge in Canada and tries to make it a metaphor about falling in love. Her dad doesn't look impressed. Probably because he just realized his adopted daughter's boyfriend had a bunch of women swimming around in freezing water with him and immediately assumed that Sean helped them "warm up". It's just what dad's do.
AshLEE then makes the conversation even more tense by telling her parents that when they were in St. Croix there was "a lot of romance." Her dad scoffs and her mom looks like she wants to cut off Sean's ear with an olive fork. She warns Sean that they need to talk. Sean tries to relieve their worries of their daughter's nationally televisied relationship by saying, "all in good fun, of course." but dad does not seem convinced. This could be a sign that I can finally stop typing AshLEE soon.
AshLEE's mom takes Sean so they can talk. She asks Sean if he's going to break AshLEE's heart and he says, "I don't plan too." Which is probably the answer she was looking for. AshLEE's mom recites the adoptive story that we've already her a dozen times and then they hug.
Next Sean sits down with AshLEE's dad and he implies that if Sean doesn't pick his daughter, it's a good thing he live in another city or he'd beat Sean up. This better be match 1 if they ever do that celebrity boxing again.
Sean asks AshLEE's dad if he can marry his daughter and her dad says "yes." I do a fist pump. Her Dad then tells the world that he knows Sean would make a good son-in-law and is a nice fit for his daughter. Which is impressive since he's known him for all of a matter of hours.
AshLEE's (I'm so sick of doing this!) dad talks about meeting AshLEE for the first time. He said when she walked in the room he had an immediate connection with her and fell in love with her. Her mother then says, "hey, remember me?" no not really. But then dad starts to cry, and so does AshLEE. I think Dad just realized he has a daughter who doesn't spell her name right.
Next Sean goes to Seattle to hang out with Catherine and her family. They meet up in the city and give each other a big hug and kiss and then go and ride a mechanical pig. It's from this moment on that I get full clarity on what love is. It's mechanical pig riding.
Then they walk up to the fish market and watch guys throw fish back and forth at each other. Then the one fish guy throws fish at Sean and he catches them. Catherine jumps up and down and makes noises like a Tomagachi.
Next Catherine is forced to catch fish. Sean tells us that Catherine has never caught a fish before and somehow, her lacking in blue collar labor isn't news to me.
The fish guy throws a fish at Catherine and she drops it, but fish guy yells "IT'S OKAY!!!!!" They forgive her and tell her she gets another chance to catch the fish. The moment is so tense, I pause the show to say a prayer. They throw the fish again and she catches it. What a hero.
We're then treated to a montage of things that they do including walking around and playing games. They both laugh a lot. Then they both chew gum and stick it to a giant wall that is covered in people's bubblegum. I watch for one of them to bust out the hand sanitizer, but neither does. They both must have the clap now.
Then they sit down for lunch and for the first time this year, Sean and whatever-girlfriend are shown actually consuming food. Catherine warns Sean about her mom and grandmother. She mentions a Philippine tradition that if an "elder" offers you their hand, you do not kiss it, but put it on your forehead. I attempt to do research on this but then remember what show I'm watching and there's a Sabres game on in 6 minutes. Moving on.
They go to Catherine's family's house and the family acts super surprised when they see them even though cameras were already in the room. Then Sean does the hand to the forehead thing for her grandma, I pump my fist twice and yell, "WAY TO REMEMBER, SEANIE!"
Then they drink giant glasses of wine and Catherine talks about how surprised she is that Sean got along so well with her family in the 30 seconds he's been near them. He then puts on an apron and makes food with her mom. He then does push-ups with Catherine on his back to the delight of her family. I change my previous statement, robotic pigs and push-ups with your love on your back are two ways to know you've found love.
Now, in the preview, they make it look like Catherine's sisters grill her about Sean. They ask her tough questions such as:
"So, do you like him?"
"Can you see yourself with him and like, a family?"
"Would you say yes to him if he proposed to you?"
I called Bill O'Reilly's studio to make sure he didn't provide them with such tough questions.
Her sisters continue to talk to her sisters and the conversation is super boring. Because she hasn't filled her "traumatic experience" quota yet, Catherine reminds us of what she went through with her dad.
Next Sean sits down to talk to Catherine's sisters, he asks them if they think she's ready for marriage and the only sister that talks ever says, "she goes in 100 percent with guys." Sean gets a smirk on his face because he knows he's going to get some action on the over night date.
Next Sean talks to Catherine's mom in the kitchen. She tells Sean she doesn't want her daughter get hurt. Sean then asks her if he would be able to marry her daughter and she says, "We'll see" Sean talks about how disappointed he is. My guess is because he was so excited to know she puts out, only to find out moments later that her mom didn't give him permission to feel her up in the overnight episode. She won't even make it to that episode.
Next, Sean gets to make out...her...hang out with Lindsay. He travels to Fort Wood, Missouri to meet up with Lindsay at the military base. ABC decides this would be the perfect time to cash in on that permit to use "military style" triumphant music and we watch guys going through obstacle courses.
Then, Sean and Lindsay walk around town and it's really boring. Then, they drink beer which looks delicious. Then, they buy a cupcake. Then Sean asks her if he should call her dad "General" when they meet and she says "call him Mark." Then they giggle and playfully argue over what he should call her dad. I don't even know why you're reading this. Lindsay has a zit on her jaw.
Then they go outside and Lindsay makes Sean gets down and do push ups and makes him do more basic training stuff while a bunch of rockin' guitar music plays. then when he gets done, she spanks him. I hate this show.
They finally arrive at Lindsay's house and her brother looks like he's stone out of his mind. (It must just be his mentality. In case we forgot in the past 14 seconds, Sean tells us Lindsay's dad is a 2-star general.)
Everyone knows General Dads are intimidated and ABC knows that too. The producers tell Lindsay's dad to be as intimidating and stand-off as possible during their first conversation. He doesn't say a word and just stares at Sean the whole time.
Then Sean and her mom go into another room to talk and she has perfect teeth. Lindsay's mom asks Sean if he's in love with her daughter and he says he isn't sure if he does yet. She thanks him for not being in love with her daughter and then they talk some more about Lindsay.
Next Sean talks to the General Dad. He fulfills the producers request to be a passive jerk to Sean for the whole conversation. Sean asks Lindsay's dad if he can marry his daughter, and her dad says, "Are you asking me for my blessing now? Well that's kind of tough, I....um....umm.....I've never been asked a tougher question in my life." He then says yes...i think. I don't know, he goes into a ramble about marriage is like jumping out of an airplane or something. He accepts Sean and turns super smiley and bubbly. The music is super easy and happy. I cry.
Lindsay's dad gives Seans some dog tags and he hugs the man's wife. Then he hugs the son. The son still looks lost.
Then in the driveway, Lindsay tells Sean that she's falling in love with him because her dad said she could. I spike my remote control in excitement.
Finally, the date with Desiree or Dez. Dez reminds me of Dez Bryant. Sean isn't dating a Dallas Cowboy. It's Desiree. I'm bored.
Sean goes to Los Angeles and Desiree runs up into his arms. She then says their date is going to consist of them being casually like it's just another Saturday afternoon. I'm going to make myself something to eat because this is a clear indication that the next 20 minutes is going to be filler. They just shows the smog that covers Los Angeles. I just signed up for an environmentalist group's website and posted "BACHELOR MAY DIE OF LA SMOG! TAKE A STAND NOW!"
They go back to Desiree's apartment and hear a knock at the door and the cameras are in perfect position outside to see this seemingly random act of a man walk up to the door. Sean thinks it's her brother, but it turns out to be her ex-boyfriend. He yells at her about how she won't return his calls or text messages and she tells him she's been busy on a scripted dating show.
He then yells at the camera crew and Sean and I feel like I'm watching Cheaters. This guy has little more acting talent than a fly. Sean gets angry and the camera shows him balling up his fist, ready to start swinging.
Desiree then reveals to Sean it's all one big joke. It was her revenge for the prank that Sean pulled on her on their first date. Happy music plays...or at least I think it did. I don't know. I went to my bathroom to puke from laughing so hard.
They go to Desiree's parents house and apparently wait for them to come home. Mom, Dad and Desiree's brother walk in and they're all smiling way too much. They all sit down and smile with each other some more. Desiree talks about milking a goat and drinking the milk. Then they laugh some more. It's so fun. I smile with them.
Sean talks to Desiree's dad and she talks with her mom. They don't really show either of these conversations and for once, I thank the producers. Then Desiree sits down to talk with her brother. She's worried because she never talked to her brother about dating a guy with 3 other girlfriends.
He's a tough guy. He's got a tattoo on his hand, so he must be tough. He acts like a jerk. He's skeptical of the whole dating on a national TV show thing. He tells her that this show is stupid. Super dramatic music plays as he reiterates that he thinks this show is stupid. Every time he calls this show stupid, it's super awesome.
Before the commercial break, I learned that "tomorrow night" is Sean's tell all talk. That's going on right now because it's Tuesday. (I couldn't muster the strength to do this last night.) I just yelled obscenities and punted a frying pan through my window. I hate what this show has done to me.
Next Desiree's brother takes Sean outside to talk. He looks like his face is melting. They sit on stares so her brother can be mean to Sean. He tells Sean that from what he's seen, he doesn't believe Sean is that into his sister, which is interesting because he's only known the guy for about an hour.
Sean tells her brother that he's crazy about Desiree and her brother replies with a quick, "you're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" Even though this guy is being shown as a jerk, he's completely correct.
Then they share a moment of awkward silence. The brother then calls Sean a playboy and says "you're just having fun with the circumstances and whatever comes along, you just have fun there. And then you just move on to the next one." Even though this guy is being shown as a jerk, he's completely correct.
They go back inside and Desiree's brother continues to be a jerk. Desiree yells at him for being correct about Sean and this show's concept. They share an awkward dinner and talk about the weather. When dinner is done, they walk outside and Sean tells us that he's got his doubt about being able to have a brother in law who is honest. It's The Bachelor.
She then goes back inside to sit at the table. Mom and Dad tell the brother (why can't they tell us his name?) that he's not right at all about hating Sean because they've known him for just as long as they think he's a great guy. A random person walks past the window in the back ground. Who the hell was that and why do they get to leave when I have to stay and continue to watch these people?
Next we watch Sean get dressed and his abs are once again in full view. When he's done getting dressed, he stands out on a mountain to think as some happenin' music plays. Then Harrison sits down to talk with Sean about what we just watched for the past hour and a half. The conversation is so redundant. It's annoying. There's a Sabres game on so I fast forward through the conversation. When the conversation is done, Sean walks over to the pictures of the girls so he can think about who he is going to dump.
Finally, at the Rose Ceremony. Harrison comes out to talk to the girls and then Sean comes out and gives a speech about family. Family is important to Sean. It's so important that he tells them that family is important to him.
When Sean picks up the rose, Desiree stops him and asks him to talk in private. By private, I mean cameras follow them to the next room. Desiree apologizes for the way her brother was super honest with Sean. He tells her to not apologize and she cries. She then continues to apologize with a whispery, choppy voice. Whispery isn't a word.
Sean gets down to the final rose. He needs to drag out the final few minutes of my life, so he puts the rose down and walks into another room. Harrison and a camera crew run out after him to make sure he doesn't try to jump off a cliff or something. Sean stares at pictures some more.
Harrison gives Sean advice that Freud would be proud of. He says, "My advice? Get it right." I just shit my pants. Mind. Blown.
Sean walks back into the room where the ladies are complaining about their feet hurting from standing too long in high heels. He then gives the rose to Catherine and dumps Desiree.
She hugs her now ex-boyfriend's girlfriends and then Sean walks with her outside. They sit on a bench and Sean tries to explain to her that he's worried that he might be making a mistake. She agrees with him and tells him she knows 100%, not 99%, but 100% that this is a mistake. He says, "uh" and then they walk to the car.
Desiree hugs Sean and blows snot onto his shoulder while telling him she should stay. Then she gets into the car and blows snot out of her nose for a solid 3 minutes.
My guess is that she's going to go home and castrate her brother with a broken beer bottle.
During the credits, we're graced with Lindsay and Sean eating cupcakes. They smash cupcakes in each other's faces. I love this show.
