I noticed this week that ABC decide to show a graphic of Tweets during the show. Most of the tweets shown were about how great each of the girls are and how Sean should pick them and if he doesn't, said tweeter is never going to watch again. Sentences like "Catherine is so perfect." and "AshLEE deserves Sean. They're perfect for each other."
Had I known they were going to do this, I wish I would have watched this episode live so I could send in all my tweets. I'd tweet a hyperlink to this blog and tell people how perfect this show is. No I wouldn't, I would tweet "If you love this show, you love to crap on chests."
Sean is down to just 3 girlfriends, AshLEE, Catherine and Lindsay. This is the week Sean has been looking forward to because this is the week he gets to have premartial sex with each of his three girlfriends 3 nights in a row. Even though it's the 21st century and kids are being given condoms in school, this may be frowned upon by some people in the world. But then again if you're reading this, you must have some sort of interest in this show, so you must not really care.
Anyway, on top the heavy petting. It's The Fantasy Suite Date Edition!
ABC sends Sean and his 3 girlfriends to Si Kao, Thailand and right off the bat, we're shown Sean sitting in a boat and thinking. He then talks about how tough this week is going to be because he's now thinking about not just who is going to stay, but who is going to be with him for the rest of his life. We're shown a ton of Sean thinking, he's laying in a hammock and thinking, then they show him sitting on a fountain and thinking with his sweet Ray Bans on. He continues to talk about how nervous he is about getting "alone" time with each girl. Maybe he forgot to bring condoms? Do they not sell condoms in Thailand? Who watches this garbage?
Next where graced with just recapping what we've seen already in this season because ABC knows that they can't pack any substantial stuff in 2 hours with Tierra's eyebrow gone. The clips are filled with Sean making out with multiple women and him without a shirt on. I guess one way or another, they're going to figure out ways to remind us that Sean loves not having a shirt on.
Sean says Catherine and him have a great connection because they're both weird and nerdy. The music is super quirky and fun. But then when Sean talks about Catherine's serious side, the music turns to dinner music/piano-ey. They show a brief clip of when Catherine said seeing her friend get crushed by a tree made her want to get married. This again. Whatever. I've said what I needed to say.
Sean says AshLEE and he have the strongest relationship there. More recapping. More making out. More of AshLEE reminding us she was adopted as she cries. Moving on.
Sean says, "I almost sent Lindsay home the first night because I thought she was crazy. And...not the good kind of crazy." If you don't remember, she wore the wedding dress the first night.
We're only 8 minutes in and I'm already considering sticking my hand on a Bunsen burner. Good thing I don't have one.
Lindsay gets the first date in Thailand. Lindsay talks about how excited she is for this date because last week she told Sean she was falling in love with him, and just 6 days later she's realized she is in love with him. It's really touching.
They get into a Thai motorcycle buggy thing and drive around while kidding. The driver is sitting right next to them, so that must be awkward. Not to mention the drive looks like Bernie from Weekend At Bernies.
They go to a Thai marketplace where Sean pretends he's Thai Marketplace Knowledgeable by telling Lindsay that this "is where Thai people get there food and stuff." Sean then asks her if she wants to have some fun and Lindsay says, "Yes, but I won't eat a bug." She just set herself up for bug eating. I'm sure she'll some how make it into a metaphor for love.
They walk up to a bunch of boxes full of colored chickens and pet them. Then they're showing buying various foods and other items. It's actually pretty boring. But that might be self-inflicted because I'm just waiting for the fantasy suite make out session.
Then they walk over to a tent that serves bugs to eat (I'm way too good at this.) Lindsay is still reluctant to eat bugs, but then she mentions how brave Sean is for eating bugs so she decides to eat bugs. Lindsay looks like she wants to puke. She says, "Oh my God, I just ate a bug. That was totally out of control." It's right up there with a car with broken brakes on the highway, and Shannon Sharpe talking.
Then they eat bigger bugs. Sean says he wants to have fun in his life and he needs a partner who is adventurous. He then says he knows that Lindsay would fit this role because she ate bugs. and a chicken foot. True love is mechanical steel pig riding, push-ups with people on your back and eating bugs.
Then they take a boat to a beach and talk. They talk some more about how much they care for each other. Then Sean tells us how much he cares about Lindsay. Then Lindsay tells us about how much she loves Sean.
This is awful. Then they start to make out. There's a lot of lip smacking and Sean grunts.
They they both get into their bathing suits and walk down the beach and act surprised when they see wild monkeys right next to their cameraman. Then they feed the monkeys and I was hoping the poop flinging would start.
Then the sun starts to set so they take this opportunity to make out in the water. The monkeys are still hanging out around them. I want to shield the monkey's eyes from the make out session. Lindsay mentions how she hasn't told Sean she loves him yet. Her day is almost up, she better do it before they have sex. Because, seriously, who does that after they have sex? Ridiculous.
Later on that night, they walk up to a couple of parade floats that look like they're straight out of the Vegas strip. They sit down between the floats and drink wine from giant glasses. Then Sean asks Lindsay if she would be willing to movie to Texas and of course she says yes because she loves Sean and she loves being a part of a 6 month celebrity tabloid engagement. More emotional piano music plays and then Lindsay talks about how she loves Sean but she can't tell him. She then rambles on and on about how much she wants to be with Sean. Sean tries to pry the words "I love you" out of her, but she doesn't say it.
ABC producers then attempt to drag out the suspense by bringing out a bunch of dancers with long fingernails and people playing instruments to break the awkward moments. I was so much on the edge of my seat I fell off.
Sean knows Lindsay wants to say she loves him, so he decides this is a perfect time to give her the "Invitation To My Room To Have Sex Envelope". It's a letter and a key from Harrison. The letter says that Lindsay and Sean can spend the night together touching each other where the bathing suit covers up. Although Lindsay can't tell Sean she loves him, she's more than willing to spend the night doing the horizontal no pants dance with him in merely days before she might be getting dumped.
They walk into the fantasy suite and sit down on a couch to talk some more. I'm so sick of talking between these two. It's gotten so bad, that they're not letting them have sex so that they can fill time with more talking. Lindsay finally says, "I love you" and super loud Disney music plays. It blast through the speakers so much that my neighbor just said, "I CRIED IN THAT PART OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST TOO!"
Next date is AshLEE's. AshLEE has already told Sean she loves him, so hopefully there conversations will have a little bit more substance (don't plan on it.) AshLEE talks about how happy she is that ABC...er...Sean rather took her on so many adventures.
Then they get into a boat and AshLEE continues to remind us how much she loves Sean, even though she says she can't describe how much she loves Sean. Sean has the sweet Ray Bans on again.
Sean tells AshLEE that they're going to hang out on a beach for the day, but there's a catch. ABC realizes they haven't had AshLEE have a nervous breakdown about her control issue yet, so they have Sean tell her that, in order to get to the aforementioned beach, they have to swim through a dark cave. The music gets super intense. Sean's just excited to be able to take his shirt off again.
AshLEE once again reminds us how her parents didn't want her and she compares swimming in a dark cave to making herself "vulnerable" and falling in love. I don't get it. Why am I doing this to myself?
And again, she reminds us about how caves aren't her thing and that she was adopted when she was a kid and she was scared, like being in a dark cave and I hate everything about everything. Even caves. Caves were cool. Now I hate them. I hate AshLEE's stupid analogies.
They swim through the dark cave and it's boring. Sean says he's happy that he gets to be the protector of AshLEE in the cave where it's just the two of them....oh and that cameraman, boom mic operator, oh and most likely some medical personnel on the boat following them. But besides all of those people, he's protecting her all by himself.
They finally make it to the other side and make out. AshLEE talks about how swimming through the cave has made her a changed woman. And about how she no longer needs to worry about being abandoned because they swam 50 feet in the dark. If she no longer has to be afraid of her history, then she should have to stop talking about it. She then says she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with Sean, the guy who just had sex with another girl and is about to have sex with another one tomorrow. AshLEE sucks.
AshLEE says, "Every part of my being wants to be engaged to Sean next week" which means, by default, her rectum wants to be with Sean.
They sit in a small hut on the beach and drink alcohol. AshLEE basically tells us that, even though she's willing to spend the night with him, she isn't going to have sex with him. Then they talk about being engaged and how serious of a commitment that is. Sean tells AshLEE how amazing she is. AshLEE is quick to counter with telling Sean how great of guy he is and he says, "Stop it."
Then Sean says, "If I get down on one knee, that means I'm spending the rest of my life with you." I hope he goes back and watches this episode either before or after it's revealed in a supermarket tabloid that he's cheating on this game shows winner.
Then they make out some more as Ashley talks about love....you know what? No.
Sean then takes out Harrison's invitation to the sex room. Which, now that I think about is kind of creepy. Sean then says how he doesn't want AshLEE to get the wrong idea of what the invitation means. Going to a room to spend the night alone where there's a bed, alcohol and no camera crew watching your every move? Yeah, I'm sure she won't get any ideas. Still, he assures her that he just wants to hang out and talk with her and she says she's afraid of what being in a room alone with a bed and alcohol and no camera crew, could mean, but still says "Yep. I'm in."
They go to the room and talk some more about not having sex and just talking. AshLEE tells Sean what kind of ring she wants and her ring size. Then, they make out some more. Sean is a liar. He told us that they would just talk.
Back from break, ABC doesn't mess around and puts happy piano music on full blast to the point of where I had to turn down my volume. Then, the cameraman stands right in Sean's line of sight to capture Catherine run up and grab unsuspecting Sean. Sean acts surprised. It's really fun.
They get into a boat to sail around Thailand. At this point, I'm sure Lindsay is really happy that all AshLEE has to do was swim, and Catherine gets to just ride in a sailboat while she had to eat bugs.
They drink alcohol from basketball-sized champagne glasses and talk about how silly they are together. Then Catherine talks about how she has a serious side, but the serious side is because she's so weird most of the time. Then she says she's serious, but she's weird and fun. Don't you have taxes to file or something? It's tax season. Stop reading this and do your taxes.
Catherine rambles on more about how she's ready to be married. She said one of her best friends is married and she can tell her friend anything because her friend is married. Then they talk more about being quirky and weird together. They make out.
Sean then decides that they should put their fun/quirky/not-so-serious-but-serious-in-a-fun-way relationship to the test and be takes his shirt off. Catherine mentions how she hasn't told Sean she's falling in love with him. But since Sean didn't take her to a mountain to climb, she settles for relating jumping into the water to jumping into love. I just ordered a bear trap so I can stick my head in it. In 5-7 days, I can blame Catherine for being mortally wounded.
They snorkel around and make out while standing in the water. I was hoping a jellyfish would come and sting Sean so Catherine would have to pee on the wound, but instead I'm graced with more of them making out during a thunderstorm.
They walk up to their dinner table where food is already sitting (and probably cold) waiting for them. Catherine talks about how she hasn't told Sean she loves him yet (again). It's like she's not even trying.
They talk about being married and it's super boring. The Catherine talks about how nervous she was to come on this show because she knew that there was a possibility that she would be offered a night with Sean in the Fantasy Suite. She talks about how she wants Sean to know that she's "not like that" (aka a slut) and that she wants to be seen as a lady. Then she says, "But I know it's not about that, it's about just spending time with you." Also, to make out with a guy who has just spent the night with 2 other women.
Sean gives Catherine the sex offer (or, you know, just another room to "talk in") Catherine is shocked there is a key in the envelope even though she just talked about how she knew this day may come for her. Sean reassures her of his "intentions" and without even thinking about it, Catherine says "I'm in." They make out some more.
So, all of the dates and all of the sex is over and there's still 40 minutes of this shit left. To fill this time, we're shown a sneak peak at Oz: The Great And Powerful. Although this movie looks like an unholy pile of CGI cow turds, I'm happy they're not using this filler time to review stuff we just watched on the Bachelor. I miss Tierra's eyebrow.
Back from break, Sean talks about how he doesn't know who to pick and who to dump while he gels up his hair with standing in nothing but a towel. He then puts on a crisp purple shirt and some dress pants and walks up to Harrison for a pointless interview.
They sit and Sean tells Harrison about how hard it was to send Desiree home last week, and it's going to be even tougher to dump one of his girlfriends this week. Random shots of Harrison as he shows his "I'm interested" face. Harrison then asks if Sean thinks that his wife is still on the game show, and Sean says yes. Harrison pretends he's shocked and excited, even though he's done this for like 25 years now and every relationship turned into a tabloid tire fire.
Harrison then tells Sean that each of his 3 girlfriends have made a video for Sean. Not that kind of video, you weirdo. Just a video to show how much they love the guy they've known for a month and a half and beg him not to dump them.
Back from break, Sean is still staring at the pictures of the women and talking about how he thinks he knows who he is sending home, even though he lied to Harrison and said he knew who he was sending home. He's like the Brett Favre of The Bachelor. He's certain about his future, and then changes his mind. I say a prayer that Sean is here for love and not for fame.
The video messages are stupid. All of the girls just talk about how great everything they did with Sean with music from Charlie Chaplain movies playing. Of course, AshLEE can't get through her 1 minute video without crying uncontrollably. ABC must've just fired their intern video editors because they decided to leave in the snot and sobbing. Even Sean looks annoyed. I'm starting to sense AshLEE is going home. Sean then stands to think and there's more thinking.
On to the Rose Ceremony. It's raining and Sean says the rain brings a depressing mood, so ABC buys the licensing to dramatic piano music and hits play. Then Harrison tells the girls that Sean is about to come and dump one of them because they've never been to a Rose Ceremony before. He also mentions that Sean is contractually obligated to get down on one knee next week and propose to one of the women.
Sean comes out and gives some pointless speech about how much he appreciated having sex with each of the women this past week. Then he talks about how he can relate to the girl that is about to get dumped because this was the week that he got dumped by Emily. It's super dramatic and a violin drains out the rest of the orchestra.
Sean picked up the first rose and of course we're shown a solid minute of people just looking around. Then, he picks up the second rose and we're treated with what seems like 8 minutes of people looking around. Then, Sean dumps AshLEE. Boom goes the dynamite! I just fell off my chair again! I LOVE THIS SHOW! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111
AshLEE walks away without saying good bye to the girls. Sean tries to walk after her, but she tells him to not bother. Because she realizes she's contractually obligated to hear Sean's reasoning, so she stops. Sean gives a long, drawn out speech about how he never wanted to hurt AshLEE and that he still thinks she's an amazing person. She stops being mad about being dumped and totally 180's by smiling and saying, "Go get 'em, Sean. Your wife is in there."
Just kidding. She says, "Alright." and gets into the snot-fest van. She then goes on an angered rant and her eye starts to twitch and I'm pretty sure she may try to cut the cameraman. She then says that this scripted game show where the contestants date a man who has 25 other girl friends that he makes out with multiple times on any given night and then dumps them later on only to tell the remaining girls that they're the "right girls for him" was no joke to her. She took this seriously.
She then turns away from the camera so we don't see her cry over being dumped by Sean. Sean is then shown being sad about dumping AshLEE in front of another fountain...in the rain. Oh my God I love this show.
During the credits, Catherine and Sean talk about how much of nerds they are by talking about math stuff. I hate math. Next week, it's another recap of this season as it is the "Women Tell All" Episode. Or as sane America will refer to it as "The Episode Where Every Women Takes A Last Ditch Effort For Publicity By Attempting To Talk Over Everyone Else And Hate On Tierra" I don't know if I'll review it. You can't force me. I can only force myself. I hope Sean gets diarrhea.
