"The dramatic 3-hour Bachelor event starts right now."
No words can strike fear into the heart of reality TV watchers everywhere than those words. I'm not sure which is worse, 2 straight nights of 2 hour episodes or 1 night of a 3 hour episode. It's like deciding if you want to lick the toilet seat found in the men's or women's bathroom at a dive bar. From the looks of the intro, everyone from Sean to Catherine, to Lindsay to Sean's mom is going to be crying in this episode. Why? It's because it's the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER!
Harrison comes out to a live studio audience of 449 women and 1 guy, to let us know that he is live for this historical episode. An episode that is as historical as the signing the Declaration Of Independence, the First Walk On the Moon, and the creation of the Flesh Light. Harrison says tonight will have, "...a Bachelor first which could one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history....That's right." and the crowd of women starts "woo"-ing because they believe this means that Sean will take his shirt of at least 57 times.
Then we head to Chiang Rai, Thailand to check out what's going on with our main man Sean.We're shown a bunch of random shots of Sean walking around while his voice over reminds us that he's in love with 2 women and doesn't know which one to pick. Then he stands and waits for his family to come and hang out with him on a free trip provided by ABC.
If you don't remember, Sean is a huge family guy. Family is super important to him as he reminded us all year long. So when his family arrives they all sit in a room and the little kids say they're going to help Sean decide which girl he should marry. I feel so bad for these kids, their minds are being corrupted by thinking the only way to find your husband/wife is to go on a televised dating show and date a bunch of men/women at the same time and have sex with some of them through out the few weeks that you've known them.
I paused and said a prayer for the youth of America.
Sean tells his family that they're going to meet Catherine first. He tells them that Catherine is fun and witty and they "get each other" and his family smiles way too much. They all say they're excited to meet her. Mom tells us that she knows how big of a decision this is for Sean because he's going to spend the next 6 months in a tabloid-littered engagement with whomever he chooses. She then tells Sean that he should already have the decision made up in his head and Sean says, "You'd think that, but I don't" and Mom looks worried.
Catherine shows up and Sean gives her a few pointers before she meets his family. Catherine walks in and hugs Sean's family and every one smiles some more. Then they go out on the balcony to eat lunch and drink alcohol. Wait...water?! Did ABC's Bachelor credit card finally get maxed out?! They couldn't offer alcohol so they gave them water? WHO ARE YOU ABC!?
Catherine then rambles on about the journey and how great of a person Sean is and there's so much more rambling. Then Sean's mom takes Catherine aside to grill Catherine. Catherine talks about how, since day 1 on the game show, she use to leave Sean notes about how she was thinking about him and finally he started to leave her notes by week 3. I bet this is what Ryan Fitzpatrick did to his starting offensive line every week during practice. Just to show them that he really cares for them and he's thankful that they protect him.
Catherine talks more and there's more talking. She basically tells Sean's mom that she loved Sean from that week 3 note that he left her about her nose. It's really a boring conversation. Only 2 hours and 51 minutes to go.
Next Catherine talks to Sean's dad. Dad asks Catherine if she believes in the "Bachelor process". Catherine says, "I was skeptical at first, but I want great love." Then she says, "I'm consumed by him." Which I'm pretty sure means she just declared Sean a cannibal.
They talk some more and there's more talking. This show is such crap. They barely fill 2 hours when Sean has 4-12 girlfriends. They could easily wrap this up in a hour or so and make me not want to slam my head in the refrigerator, but no. They keep going. They keep talking.
Sean's dad then says if Catherine wins this game show, he will love her like his own daughter and Catherine gets teary eyed. It's a touching moment. I've run out of tissues. Then Sean tells the family that Catherine needs to leave and Sean's dad says she doesn't have to leave and Sean should leave. Then he tells the rest of the family to leave him and Catherine alone. Then he takes his pants off. Just kidding. I'm delusional with hope that something interesting will happen.
Next Lindsay shows up to meet Sean's family. Lindsay walks in and hugs everyone and brings presents for the kids. Then they sit on the couch to talk. Sean mentions how he and Lindsay fed monkeys and Lindsay says, "that was like the coolest thing ever." I honestly thought that beating Nazi Germany or even the invention of the light bulb were the cooler than feeding monkeys. Now, since I have the insight of a scholar like Lindsay, I know I'm wrong.
Then Sean's family jokes with Lindsay about how she was wearing a wedding dress when she first met Sean and they all laugh. Then Sean's dad takes Lindsay to talk. I'm so sick of talking. I think this show would be more entertaining if these people had to speak in sign language, especially if they don't know sign language.
Sean's dad then says that since the day Sean was born, they prayed for his wife even though they clearly didn't know who she was at the time. I wonder how long it took for them to fathom the idea that he'd be going on a game show to meet his wife. Lindsay starts to cry for no reason and sad, acoustic guitar music plays. Then they realize that they have filled up enough time for talking and get ready to leave. But Lindsay says, "I have one more question for you." and the music stops abruptly. She asks Sean's dad if she can have Sean's hand in marriage and then they both laugh as super happy music plays. I lol'd a ton. So much that I drank a quart of vodka so I could black out and stop laughing.
Next Sean's mom talks to Lindsay. Lindsay talks about how great Sean is and this is so stupid. Lindsay cries some more for no reason. Sean then tells his family that Lindsay has to go. They make out before she gets into the fan and Lindsay says, "Bye baby" and drives away. Then, Sean reminds us how he is in love with two women. And he hopes that his family will help him make this decision. Tax season is almost over.
Sean then sits down with his family and they talk about how great each girl is. The guy who hasn't said a word this entire time says, "You've got 48 hours to make this decision, my friend" in a very condescending tone and they all laugh. It's kind of awkward.
Then Sean and his mom walk out to the patio to talk. Sean's mom basically tells him he better be sure he wants to be with this girl for the rest of his life, because she knows it'll last which proves Sean's mom has never read People Magazine. Sean's mom then cries. Everyone is crying. I'm convinced they filled the pond behind them with the tears of the Bachelor, Bachelor contestants and his family members. They go for a walk around the pond and the camera are strategically placed around the pond to pick up on the action. Sean hasn't taken his shirt off yet. I'm annoyed.
When Sean's family leaves, Sean walks out to the balcony to think and the music gets super dramatic and loud. Sean mentions how his family didn't help him out with making a decision on the winner of this game show. I yell, "YOU BETTER KNOW, SEAN! YOU BETTER KNOW!"
Commercial break.
Back from break we're back in the live studio with Harrison. Harrison reveals that later on they will be revealing something to the world that ABC has only learned of in the last 24 hours. One of the girls in the audience is shown wide-eyed and shocked. Or maybe she just smoked crack. I can't be sure.
Then we go back to Thailand and Sean is shown walking in a bright blue muscle shirt. He hasn't taken his shirt off yet, but there is less shirt he's wearing. I'm willing to accept this. He talks about how his decision is even harder now because his family liked both of his girlfriends.
Lindsay meets up with Sean on a random dirt road. They get onto a raft to drink alcohol and explore Thailand. ABC then says it's time to make Sean look smart, so he tells Lindsay on one side of the river is Thailand and on the other is Taiwan and Lindsay acts super surprised. I called up my girlfriend and told her "You know, on one side of the Niagara River is America and on the other side, it's Canada." She said, "Okay. Thanks for reminding me." and then she hung up.
They talk some more and it's all in mumbling voices so I can't understand. Then they pretend they're looking through binoculars, but it's just their hands. I hate this show.
They go up to a bridge to sit on a couch and talk some more. Sean tells Lindsay, "You know me." Thus disqualifying him from ever going on a day time talk show. They talk about how much of a difference there is between their heights and then Sean says the line of the season:
"I picture you as a hot, old chick."
and Lindsay replies with, "Aww really? I love you. I mean it now more than ever."
Back at the resort, Lindsay takes out some more alcohol and giant wine glasses. Sean walks in a pink v-neck shirt, and they sit down to talk more. After talking, they make out some more. Then they talk, then they make out. There is so much filler going on, I feel like I'm watching one of the pointless episodes of Lost. Sean still hasn't taken his shirt off. They make out some more. Lindsay talks about them making out. I swan dive in my kitchen sink.
Lindsay then takes Sean outside and explains that it is a tradition of the country to write a wish on a paper lantern and then let it fly away and the dream will come true. So they write 3 wishes on 3 paper lanterns and they fly away. My guess is that they eventually land in the middle of a field and start a Taiwanese farm on fire thus starving a family of 5 for a year. Good job, ABC.
Again, we go back to the live audience where Harrison reminds us that millions are watching live. What is the point of doing this?
Back to Sean who is now in a purple v-neck shirt and walking. Catherine runs up to him and her breasts bounce. That was a good moment for me.
Sean tells Catherine that they're going to ride around on an elephant for the day and Catherine acts way too excited. They get on the elephant and Sean talks about how they need to kick the ears of the elephant in order to steer it in the right direction. I can hear PETA typing away hate mail as we speak.
They ride around on an elephant and it's super boring and pointless. They mention how beautiful Thailand is and how crazy it is to ride elephants. Then, they go into a tree house to talk and drink alcohol. Catherine just does voice over for most of their tree house make out session. Sean keeps his shirt on.
Catherine then prepares alcohol and candles in the same room that Lindsay prepared alcohol and candles. That has to be weird. Then Sean shows up in a black v-neck shirt and they drink and talk. Then they make out. I really hate this show.
Before Sean leaves, they make out some more by the door. Catherine tells Sean that he loves her and he thanks her for the date. It was pretty awkward. Then Sean leaves and the music gets SUPER dramatic. As on, Bachelor-Super-Dramatic. Catherine then hunts Sean down so she can cry and make out with him some more. Then they hug. Sean then says, "okay" and walks away. Catherine is done.
We're an hour and 23 minutes into this episode and FINALLY Sean is shown without a shirt on. Because they made America wait so long for this, they show him with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Sean then talks about how torn he is about his decision. He looks out his window in a towel so he can think. We're shown flashbacks of stuff we've already seen between Sean and Lindsay and Sean and Catherine. Then Sean is shown walking up to a fountain in a gray v-neck sweater to think some more.
Next the ring guy comes to Sean's door to sell him a ring. He shows Sean the rings and Sean decides on one that probably would solve the sequester issue.
Sean is getting ready to propose to one of his girlfriends and the cameras are sure to be there to see him in only some boxer briefs. Sean then cries and says, "This is more emotional than I've ever been, ever." He then leans off camera and the producers slap the cameraman on the head and tell him to move the shot so they can catch Sean crying.
Lindsay talks about how she could be getting engaged today and cries. Catherine talks about how she's not sure if Sean is going to pick her and then she cries. What is a little known fact is that ABC's producers hooked up all 3 of these people to electrical wires during interviews so they could get them to cry for no reason.
Sean walks up to a small dock with too many flowers on it. He says, "You can't understand the gravity of the situation." And I hope that Issac Newton is somewhere watching this and saying, "uh, yes I do."
We're back and back with Harrison so he can reminds us that millions of people are watching this episode live. The crowd cheers way more of Catherine than for Lindsay. Too bad this crowd is stupid.
Harrison reveals that some of Sean's girlfriends have joined them tonight to talk about Catherine and Lindsay, in what will be their last ditch effort to try and get some face time. First Harrison interviews Lesley. Lesley talks about how she became good friends with Catherine, which must be weird considering she holds the world record for on camera make out with Catherine's boyfriend. She says she thinks that Catherine will win.
Next is One Armed Girl. Since Lesley said she thinks Catherine will win, the producers tell One Armed Girl to say she thinks Lindsay will win. I was hoping Harrison would ask her how hard it is to canoe with one arm, but he never did. Hack.
Next AshLEE gets interview. I was hoping I would never have to type her name again. Her eye isn't twitching. Why isn't Tierra there? They should have interviewed her eyebrow.
Jacquie gets interviewed and it's stupid. She was on camera for like 20 minutes. Her opinion doesn't matter.
As we leave the live audience, the audience is show clapping and the camera make sure they show One Armed Girl clapping with her nub.
Back from break, more of Harrison reminding us that Sean has a big decision to make. He says that Sean may not propose at all and a girl in the audience behind Harrison crosses both of her fingers. I debate if she meant this as she hopes he doesn't or she hopes that he does. I wish I was drunk.
Sean is then showing thinking on the dock some more. He then talks about how hurt he will be when he dumps one of his girlfriends. More dramatic orchestra music plays.
First to meet up with Sean is Lindsay. She walks up to Sean on the dock. They talk as elevator music plays. Sean talks about how great Lindsay is and then he dumps her. She handles it well by ripping her hands away from his and saying, "It's okay. Stop." Then she cries uncontrollably. It's awkward. I start to read the ingredients on the bag of Fritos next to me.
Sean then walks her out and stops her one last time to tell her how much he feels blessed to have met her. She says, "Good luck" and walks away. Because she knows that getting picked for a future Bachelorette is important for her career, she does a classy thing and takes off her expensive shoes that ABC bought so they don't get scuffed up on the stones.
Harrison helps her get into the dump mobile and tries desperately to hold back tears and complains about how she's felt this 100 times, which I'm pretty sure makes her a slut. But whatever. She whines more but manages to hold back the snot. She says she was tricked by being told she wouldn't be dumped by a guy who is dating 25 women.
We're finally at the MOST SHOCKING point this season. The letter that we've heard all about has finally been shown. Harrison tells Sean it's from Catherine and he starts to read. Rather than just get to the point and tells us what the letter says, we have to go back and see stupid Harrison with the live audience. A bunch of random shots of girls laughing and looking shocked about the letter. Then they applaud for how great of a person Lindsay is. To prevent myself from having a nervous breakdown about the letter, I chug 10 bottles of Nyquil.
Back from break, Sean is still reading the letter. They start out with him doing a voice over of the reading and then it fades to Catherine reading it. Then they go back to Sean, then to Catherine. What the hell is going on? It sounds like a satanic worship ritual or something.
Catherine walks up to Harrison which means that she is ready for their 6 month engagement. Happy piano music transitions to dramatic piano music. There's so much transitioning going on. The editors must be proud. When she walks up to Sean, he gives her a long speech about how great she is.
Then he proposes to her. Boom! Catherine is the game show winner of a tabloid engagement! I THINK I JUST SHIT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111erlibvaeirbvuhbepiubvpi
Catherine then asks, "Is this for real?" Good way to handle it. Then they make out some more. And triumphant movie music plays. They get on an elephant, which is conveniently right there even though no one knew who Sean was going to pick. Catherine says, "I get this? I get this?!" Because she will get elephant rides in Taiwan for the rest of her life as opposed to screaming at Sean because he peed on the toilet seat and didn't wipe it off.
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And now, the After The Final Rose talking session where they talk about everything we just watched for absolutely no reason.
Sean comes out first to talk to Harrison. A girl in the audience yells "TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!" and all of the girls in the audience do a line of coke and applaud. Sean says, "Not gonna happen!" and I start to cry. They talk about Lindsay and Sean says he's not a crier. He says that dumping her was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do, which I'm sure Catherine was happy to hear.
Back from break, Lindsay walks out to confront Sean about him dumping her. She asks him why he dumped her and he says he prayed to God to tell him who to dump. God apparently told him to dump Lindsay, which must make her feel real great.
Lindsay doesn't look too good. She looks like she's spent 23 hours a day in a tanning booth. This dumping must've been hard on her. Lindsay then says she's happy that Sean dumped her. And there's closure. Harrison then continues to ask her questions trying to make her cry. It works. He's a jerk.
Next Catherine gets to come out to hang out with Harrison and Sean. Harrison calls Sean, "my man." He's so hip.
Catherine then comes out and talks. She says she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him when she had a mental picture of seeing him as an old man. I did not make that up.
Catherine then talks more and it's boring. They finally show the one guy in the audience. He smiles and nods his head, looking around at which of these women he'd like to stand in front of and take off his shirt.
Back from break, they talk more about how great they are together. Then they replay Sean's proposal that we just watched 20 minutes ago. This show is a redundant pile of turds.
After that's done, Sean is shown crying because he's not a crier. Then Catherine rambles on about how great Sean is and cries. Everyone is crying except Harrison. He's not contractually obligated to cry.
Sean then reveals the secret we're all been waiting for since the secret of who Sean picked that we've all been waiting for. Since him and Catherine met on a game show on national television, and got engaged because Catherine won the game show. They're going to get married on national television and this is in no way a tactic to have ABC cover the tab. I really hope they break up before then so I don't have to watch it. .
Then they talk more about when they first met. Why are you still reading this?
In the final segment of the most boring After The Final Rose redundant pile of monkey feces, we're revealed the next Bachelorette.
Desiree! (Or Dez.) Is she Desiree? or is she Dez now?
She cries after talking to Harrison for 30 seconds. I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate this show. I wish I was dead.
See you this summer.
