There is a horrendous event that started only a few hours ago. Something that will leave you sad, cold, depressed, and angry. Something that has dipped down into the lows of the country and has left everyone frozen in frustration. I'm not talking about the Polar Vortex, I'm talking about the recommencement of 'The Bachelor'.
Hello my faithful 13 readers! It's time for another installment of the worst show in the history of television, which is already claiming it's the craziest season yet.
Latin hottie Juan Pablo is this season's newest muscle-headed pop up animal. I'm not so sure this guy ever graduated from 4th grade vocabulary school. He just repeats whatever the person he's talking to just said and then adds an accent and some sort of distortion of a word here and there. It's great. You know what else is great? Sudden attacks by yetis.
He's in search for a motherly figure for his son, his daughter and another son that doesn't get much attention apparently. Because there is no way Juan Pablo is so incredibly attractive that he couldn't easily go to the closest Applebee's practically bang a woman on the table there (right next to the sampler platter), ABC tries to help out this guy by giving him well auditioned, well maintained desperate drama queens to go on rehearsed and fully paid for dates with cameras everywhere. It's The Bachelor.
I fast forwarded through the montage to open the show. I wished the show was this short and to the point, but it's not. From the looks of it, we're going to have a lot of love, a lot of making out, a lot of crying, and a lot of plastic surgery. It's The Bachelor.
Our newest season starts out with Juan Pablo getting a bunch of pictures taken with him holding roses with his shirt off and making super cute faces. He seems like he's a funny guy, like super fun wow LAWL funny. Not really.
Next we're treated to Juan Pablo shirtless running, shirtless volleyball, and then he talks about how he's a sports consultant or something. And then ABC shows a highlight of him playing soccer for a few seconds. But because they haven't shown him doing enough things without his shirt on, we're then treated with Juan jumping into a pool without his shirt on and with his daughter. It's a good thing he isn't hanging out shirtless in Buffalo right now or he'd be cold.
Next we get Juan Pablo walking around LA and ABC plays some rockin' music to let us know it's about to get real. He walks around the Santa Monica Pier and says, "I speak the language of LUUUHVE". The -35 degree windchill making snow hit me in the face made me less angry.
Juan Pablo goes and picks up his daughter, Camila, from the airport because they must fly separate so we can see him coming to pick her up at the airport....or something. His dad talks about how he wants Camila to be in an environment where she's comfortable, which I guess means flying her out to a rented mansion and watching her father make out with multiple women while dating other women. It'll be a family moment.
Juan Pablo says he wants to have 2 more kids and have one big family while we see more of him running shirtless. Then he walks with his shirt off and daughter on his shoulders. Then they tell the kid to get out of the way so they can show more of him running shirtless. I'm starting to feel like I'm watching a gladiator movie.
Back from break, Juan Pablo is pushing his daughter on a swing and he's finally put a shirt on. Former Bachelor Sean Lowe shows up and Juan Pablo acts surprised to see the mic'd up guy who the camera, right next to him, was filming walking up the driveway. Sean has his standard issued Ray Bans on. I thought I'd never see Sean and his Ray Bans again. I want to find out what bleach tastes like.
They greet each other with a bro hug and then go inside to talk. Juan Pablo talks about how he called Sean himself to set up this perfectly mic'd up, well produced conversation about dating 25 women with cameras around to capture every word.
Sean gives a ton of good advice to Juan Pablo, including telling him how he can prevent war in the Middle East and help cure AIDS. Just kidding, Sean gets to super important stuff like asking Juan Pablo what his strategy is with kissing 25 girlfriends. Sean says to not kiss one in front of his other girlfriends because then the other girlfriends will get mad about how someone is kissing their boyfriend. So, of course ABC will make sure this happens all the time.
Sean then tells Juan Pablo to trust his gut with picking the right women to keep around on the game show. He then continues on talking about how he didn't pay much attention to Catherine (his season's game show winner) for the first few weeks, which I'm sure is something she probably wanted to hear. But then he fell for her. He then talks about how he knew Catherine was the one because they had to scrub their dog with tomato juice and baking soda at 2am because it got sprayed by a skunk. I did not make that up.
Juan Pablo then throws on a suit and walks around to think. Then he says goodbye to his daughter and she jumps into bed. Because Juan has to go and meet his 25 girlfriends, he can't be bothered to tuck his own daughter in, he walks away and his dad does it, with the camera watching. It's a weird moment, but then I realize we're only 17 minutes in.
Finally, we're 22 minutes in and we get to see the greatest, overpaid, 5-dollar game show host, Chris Harrison. Harrison talks about how Juan Pablo generated a ton of interest from the fans, the second he got out of the limo on last season of The Bachelorette. Then there's more talking about how much of a hunk he is because he plays soccer and has an accent that makes everything "a little more romantic". Then, Harrison says, "Juan Pablo-fever has reached epidemic proportions." For what it's worth, Yellow Fever was an epidemic, so was SARS, and Bird Flu. Is Harrison saying that Juan Pablo-fever is horrible like those? I wouldn't disagree.
Next we get to meet some of his plastic meat sticks:
Chelsie - 24 - Science Educator - She says she's super silly and then she speaks Spanish. Then she says she was to at least get a hug from Juan Pablo. She's silly and giggles. It's silly.
Renee - 32 - Real Estate Agent - She lives in Sarasota, FL because she can paddle board and roller blade there. She can't do this anywhere else in America, apparently. She has a son and he's everything to her, which makes sense why she's going on a fake dating show to find more in life. She talks about how she wants more in life some more. Then she walks around a lot.
Andi - 26 - Assistant District Attorney - Actually, she tells us that she is a gang prosecutor. ABC let's us know this is for real by putting their cameras in the court room for a court hearing with a gang member there. This is in no way staged for ABC to show us how serious she is, and in no way was this a conflict of interest for this court case. She talks about how she's a hopeless romantic. Then she stares off into the distance to show us how much she's a hopeless romantic. I'm staring off into the distance now so I can relate to her.
Amy J. - 31 - Massage Therapist - Makes weird sexual faces while giving people massages. Talks about how she likes to find muscles and figure them out. Then she talks straight to the camera and does the airplane thing with a fork and some food and pretends to feed Juan Pablo. She seems normal.
Nikki - 26 - Pediatric Nurse - Babbles on while we watching she's walking in a field. Then they drastically shake things up by showing her sitting in the field and thinking. I love this show.
Lauren - 25 - Mineral Coordinator - How do you coordinate minerals? Anyway, she smiles a lot. Then some more. She talks about how she met a guy over a year ago and was "all in" and sad piano music plays. They got engaged and then 6 weeks later he told her they were done. She says that's something you never get over which means she'll do okay on a show where her boyfriend dates 25 other women.
Valerie -26 - Personal Trainer - Says she's pretty and is willing to fight other women. She'll stick around for awhile.
Lacy - 25 - Nursing Home Owner - Looks like she is trying to hold in a turd during her intro. She comes from a family of 13. 9 of the 13 are special needs people. She's definitely going to be the innocent one who the fans fall in love with. I'm falling in with her breasts. Those things are lookin' good when she's throwing a football.
Clare - 32 - Hairstylist - She hangs out with her family a lot. She's part Mexican. She talks about how her dad died and ABC exploits this by filming her sitting on a bench and looking at pictures of him. Her dad made a DVD for her future husband to watch. No one has ever watched it. She hopes Juan Pablo is the one who's watches it. Is that supposed to be a tease? Why wouldn't she?
Harrison comes back and says that Juan Pablo is about to show up and I scare my cat by screaming "FINALLY!" The two of them talk. It's boring.
Harrison drops the first controversial moment on Juan Pablo and tells him that due to the outpouring demand to date Juan Pablo while he dates other women, there is going to be 27 girlfriends and not 25. I jump out of my chair. I mean, I can understand someone dating 25 women at once, but 27? GET OUT OF THE CITY!
The limo's full of women finally arrive and there's already screaming. Then, they talk about how hot he is. I wipe the sweat from my brow. This is a nervous time for me.
I'm not going to talk about each girl, just the ones who do stupid "memorable" things:
I just noticed Juan Pablo make the face like he just took 5 shots of whiskey at 4am in the morning and regretted eating that chili.
One of the girls gives his daughter a bracelet. He acts overjoyed and I cry a little.
The Pediatric nurse contestant makes Juan Pablo listen to her heart beat with a stethoscope. That's clever. Dumb. But clever.
A girl named Chantel talks about how people had trouble pronouncing Juan Pablo last season. She then teaches him how to say her name, even though he says it fine the first time. She's trying to be memorable. What a trickster.
Victoria is hot. I hope he doesn't pick her. I want to give her a call.
Lucy's job is listed as 'Free Spirit' which means "homeless" in most parts. She didn't wear shoes because she's tall and didn't want to be taller. I hope she tries to get the other girls to drop acid.
One of the girls has a dress that looked like it got dipped in a pool of tar. She pulls a staple Bachelor tactic and tells him they need to have 1 on 1 time inside after she's tipped a few shots back. It's smart.
Lauren rides up on grand piano on wheels and plays a song. Juan Pablo looks freaked out. She's toast.
Chelsie tells Juan Pablo some stupid science joke involving stupid safety glasses and how they should stupidly have chemistry between them stupidly. I'm not even sure if that makes sense but I don't care. I hate her.
Ashley sounds like she's trying really hard to sound like she's from one of those late night sex chat phone lines.
We leave with a teaser of a pregnant woman getting out of a limo. Uh oh.
During the commercial, we're shown a weather report by Aaron Mentkowski. The local weather report over ran over the return of the pregnant woman's chat with Juan Pablo so I can't even do a joke on this. Thank you, Aaron.
Amy, the crazy massage therapist shows up and says something in Spanish. ABC puts "I'll see you inside" in the subtitles, but I'm pretty sure she actually said, "I want to see what your insides look like".
One girl brings him a fish hook. Another girl brings her dog. Another girl gives him fake prescription drugs and I'm sick of seeing women get out of a car. Why can't a piano bike fall on me right now?
One girl says she's from Ottawa and Germany. I'm not sure how that works, but she's an opera singer. I'm going to have to hear her sing like an opera singer at some point. I'm going to need to swan dive down the stairs at that time.
Harrison (we're still on a last name basis as far as I'm concerned) comes out and lays down the rules for Juan Pablo (I'm already hating typing his name). He tells him there's a first impression rose because he's never been on this show, then sends him inside.
Juan Pablo walks in and all of the girls try to scream louder than the rest so they stick out. Problem is they all stick out in my head because I want a hatchet.
That joke probably didn't work, but if I got you thinking how it wasn't funny, it means you're still reading. Thanks.
He gives some sort of commencement speech, I think. I'm not really sure. I can't understand him. But they don't want to look disinterested so everyone laughs so there probably wasn't a joke. These sentences aren't even right anymore.
They drink alcohol and there's more alcohol being consumed. Then they have a dance party. Then they take pictures in a photo booth with funny hats and sunglasses. Clearly these girls aren't drunk enough because ABC shows them getting along.
Nikki pulls him aside so they can talk about how he forgot her name. He has made, like, 4 references to how he isn't good with names. Then, they talk more. Juan Pablo tells her they should leave right now. I get excited because I think this season will be cut short. Then he laughs because he pulled a funny. I'm tired.
The homeless girl babbles on and asks him if he's nervous when she puts her face right in his. Juan looks like he's had too much champagne and just saw a blue face ninja attack his nostril.
Things get a little dicey when ABC's producers make sure there's a massage table waiting outside and order Juan Pablo to walk out there with Amy. Amy gives him a rape and practically massages him (intended). She then talks about how she wants to rip his clothes off and dump oil on him. She does more whining and more moaning. She says she's "pushing through his suit". She then tells the camera that she should marry him right now. That's subtle.
The girls then all gather in one room and then break up into smaller groups so they can talk about each other and how bad they want the first impression rose. Then some girls sit and pout because they haven't gotten any 1 on 1 time with their man. They other girls talk about how nervous they are. It's snowing outside.
Chelsie sits with Juan Pablo in a photo booth and asks if he remembers her name. He says no, and she laughs to pretend it's cute. He asks her how many children she wants to have and she says, "all of them." Then they talk about how they can't figure out how to use a photo booth. This is so fun.
Then some girl name Elise (who is Elise? Even I can't remember their names.) talks with Juan Pablo about her dead mother. She says her dead mother was there and in Juan Pablo's brain and she is going to make sure that he sees Elise as his future wife. I didn't make that up and that is in no way creepy.
More girls complain about how they haven't gotten any alone time with him. The alcohol is finally starting to make things more interesting and we have our first meltdown. There's one girl who I thought was alright, but now I hate her. That doesn't help you, so how about this: The one who told us during her intro that her engagement was broken after 6 weeks starts crying to the camera about how she can't get his attention. I feel my brain falling out of my rectum.
Everyone knows the best way to get attention on a fake dating show is by portraying how stable you are by crying on camera. It works. Juan Pablo finally finds her and gives her that alone time. Well done, stable girl. Well done. I hate her. This is stupid.
Then there's a montage of him talking to the rest of the girls, because they're boring and don't matter.
Juan Pablo then talks to the opera singer from Ottawa and Germany. I still haven't figured this out, but the anxiety is making me chew on my arm. He gives her the first impression rose and she looks disappointed. She complains they didn't have instant chemistry. Apparently she wasn't one of the millions of people who got Juan Pablo-fever. Maybe she has yellow fever. I yell, "SHE HAS YELLOW FEVER AND SHE'S NOT AMERICAN! SHE'S OTTAGERMAN! OR GERMATTAWA!" Sorry.
I think she might be the paid actress who ABC tells Juanny P he's contractually obligated to keep giving a rose to make the other girls mad. It's standard practice. It's The Bachelor.
Finally we're at the Rose Ceremony and the snow has stopped so I guess I'll watch it. Juan Pablo dumps a bunch of his 27 girlfriends because they were boring. Or maybe they didn't get enough camera time. I don't care anymore.
The notables that go home are the girl who cried because she wasn't in love and lost her engagement months ago and the crazy massage woman Amy who eat baby seals while listening to those Kenny G songs backwards for satanic messages. I've run out of jokes.
She cries and says he was going to be her husband. ABC edits out her finishing that with "...whether he likes it or not! Master 6-Toes says it's true!"
After that is done, then we're treated with a preview of this season. It's filled with laughing and love and crying and heartache and drama. So much drama. I have a feeling I'm going to hate this season if for nothing more than I'm already sick of having to type out "Juan Pablo" This sucks. Why am I doing this?
