Why can't the girls play shirts and skins for once?
Every season we're told about how this season is going to be the most controversial yet and each season I'm reminded why this is true. Unfortunately this season hasn't been very controversial, but that might be just because nobody can understand a man who has an intellectual skill as a grown up who can't put together a 6-piece puzzle.
Tonight's episode gets right kickin' busy real quick by a bunch the girls talking about who they think is going to get this week's 1-on-1 dates and people who whine about wanting to be on a date. We're a few episodes in which means that I can finally find a bunch of reasons to hate a bunch of women. Kelly says, "Juan Pablo and I may be that new story." because she understands that if they win, they're going to be National Enquirer fodder during their 6 month marriage.
Harrison then shows up in a shirt freshly stolen from Garth Brook's 1994 closest and the women act surprised. He explains the rules to the women because he couldn't be bothered to do anything last week and then gives them the date card.
Cassandra gets the first 1-on-1 date. But before Juan Pablo drives up in a car he clearly doesn't own, he decides to kill some time by hanging out and speaking Spanish to his daughter. They eat chicken and then Juan Pablo tells his parents and his daughter to go away so he can hang out with 1 of his 15 girlfriends.
Cassandra and the meat stick get into a giant jeep (but Cassandra says it's not a Jeep) and they drive around. Cassandra tells us about how she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years, so I'm sure she's super excited her first one in awhile is with a guy who is going to make out with multiple women right in front of her later.
Then Juan Pablo gets supa-crazy by driving the vehicle into a lake and it turns into a boat. ABC finds this to be the perfect time to play their happy pop music from one of those NOW! CDs and I start to hope that Cassandra tells Juan Pablo she gets seasick easily and pukes up a burger eaten in 1998. Instead, Juan Pablo and Cassandra yell and make funny noises and the cameras catch random people watching to see if Batman is going to jump out. Cassandra also says she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years. After they squeak and yell some more, they pull the boat-car up to a yacht to strip to their bathing suits and jump in the water. Then they swim over to the car-boat and make out.
Later on in the night, Juan Pablo brings Cassandra (by the way, she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years) back to his house and talks about how his daughter is staying with his parents, thus implying that they have the house all to themselves. Finally, Juan Pablo is using the excited sexual implications of a 16 year old to explain his plans for being home alone.
They drink alcohol and then Juan Pablo teaches her how to cook. Cassandra (by the way, she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years) reminds us again that she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years. And she says, "the last time a guy cooked for me was....never." I passed out and hit my face on the corner of my table from laughing so hard at her joke.
Then they dance and is pointless and stupid. This whole show is stupid. They're still dancing and I just ran outside and dove head first into the snow.
Then they sit down to eat dinner and Cassandra hasn't had a first date in 3 years. Then they eat candy and chocolate and Cassandra (who hasn't had a first date in 3 years) mumbles with her mouth full so Juan Pablo can understand what it's like to listen to him. Then they look at pictures of Cassandra's (who hasn't been on a first date in 3 years) kid and then they look at Juan Pablo's kid. Still an hour and 40 minutes of this show left.
They talk more about their kids and then they talk more about being parents. Cassandra (no first date in 3 years) has a butt crack chin. Juan Pablo then tells Cassandra (no date in 3 years) he has to start making big decisions while on this show and acts like he's not going to give her the rose. And then he gives her the rose. And then they make out. And then I eat barbed wire.
Next is the group date. Juan Pablo takes his surgically enhanced girlfriends to the soccer pitch so he can hang out them and the LA Galaxy. ABC goes straight up rockin' metal for the Juan Pablo playing soccer sequence and he hasn't even taken his shirt off.
The girls show up and they gawk at Juan Pablo who is "sweaty" and "doing what he loves the most" which automatically means hanging out with his daughter is secondary.
Andi says, "This is where David Beckham played!" because I'm sure she watched 2 seconds of one of his games.
The girls get change into some soccer shoes and some get excited to play while others complain. One of the girls asks if it hurts to get hit with the soccer ball and another says, "well if you get hit in the face..." I move slightly closer to the edge of my couch in preparation for the best Bachelor moment ever.
The girls then do a skills competition of sorts and then they go back and change into their soccer jerseys. There is team red and team blue and all of the girls wear eye black. I'm a fan of some of the girls wearing eye black while I wish some others would just get "general soreness" and leave.
The girls play soccer at a level that would make most 12 year old's look like Pelee. Then Nikki talks about how she gets too competitive and she kicks a ball and hits Sharleen in the shoulder. Then they show Sharleen getting hit in the face by the ball and I am one happy camper. She still looks good in eye black.
The red team is killing the blue team, so Juan Pablo decides he's going to be the dad who comes in and makes things more fair. He starts to play for the blue team and kicks the ball between girls legs. I'm glad he didn't put any eye black on.
Back from break. Juan Pablo says, "it's very cool to be in a soccer stadium with no people" which I'm sure is what the LA Galaxy always said.
They go up to the seats to talk and drink alcohol. Nikki gets to take Juan Pablo aside first to talk. Nikki tells him she gets nervous when she has to open up and Juan Pablo tells her that she can tell him anything. Nikki then thanks him for telling her that she can tell him anything and then she tells the cameras she knows she can tell him everything now because spend 20 seconds to tell her that she could tell him anything.
An hour and 21 minutes left.
Next Juan Pablo takes Andi to a concession stand so they can both drink fruit punch. They go into the kitchen of the concession stand and Juan Pablo asks her if she wants to cook something. She says yes...and then they make out. Let that sink in. They go to the kitchen of a sporting venue concession stand that sells stale soft pretzels, peanuts, and warm beer so they can make out. All these years later and I've wasted so much money on expensive dinners when they "make out in a concession kitchen" was right there for the taking.
Juan Pablo then takes other girls from the group date aside to talk in various parts of the stadium and this part is boring. I mean, even on Bachelor standards this is boring. I'm fast forwarding. (RHYMING! WOOHA!)
Sharleen and Juan Pablo then go to center pitch (that's right, pitch hate-mailers) to talk. And then, they make out in the middle of the pitch and the other girls watch. Andi is mad because she just made out with Juan Pablo, but now she has to sit there and watch her boyfriend, who is on a date with 12 of his other girlfriends, make out with Sharleen. Then Juan Pablo gives Nikki the rose.
Next is the final 1 on 1 date and great squirrel turds there is still an hour of this show left.
Juan Pablo comes to pick up Chelsie at the house. But, first he apologizes to Elise because she didn't get a date and she has way too many teeth. Elise then say she feels confident that Juan Pablo has feelings for her because they have known each other for a few days.
Even my mom doesn't read this far down.
Chelsie and Juan Pablo get into the car and rock out to some Venezuelan music because ABC bought the right for it for 14 cents. Then they go to get some to eat at a Venezuelan restaurant. Juan Pablo talks about how trust is key to a 6 month marriage from The Bachelor.
Juan Pablo then takes Chelsie up to the top of a bridge for the all important "trust date" exercise. Because no one is allowed to trust someone else in a relationship with not scaring the crap out of them by some level of torture, Juan Pablo reveals that he and Chelsie are going to bungee jump off a bridge.
Chelsie then says "Oh my God. I can't do this. I can't" about 45,000 times and Juan Pablo shows compassion by saying "You ready?". We go to a commercial break and when we come back, Chelsie says, "We just jump and it's terrifying and then we just jump and we jump." and the camera catches the instructor looking annoyed. I was hoping he was just going to roundhouse kick them both off of the ledge, but he doesn't. I want someone to get hit in the face with a soccer ball again.
They talk more and Chesie says she doesn't want to do it. Juan Pablo tells her it's okay if she doesn't want to do it because her contract says she has to. Then she tells the camera that because he told her that she doesn't have to jump, she realizes that she can trust him and she can jump. So she is removed of all fear from jumping and they jump. They they make out while hanging from the bridge like bats because they just jumped. I'm sick of typing the word "jump". I'm done with this date. I just want to eat shaving cream laced with rabbit turds.
Chelsie then fills another Bachelor quota by saying jumping with Juan Pablo is like jumping into love. And since they were able to trust each other with bungee jumping, they can do anything together. This is very important for Chelsie to remember in 10 years when they're getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner and she's yelling at Juan Pablo about how his aunt always talks with food stuck in her teeth and his uncle always farts and blames it on the dog.
They go to Pasadena's City Hall so they can eat dinner and talk. Chelsie says the city hall is "crazy beautiful" and I'm waiting for the mayor to come out and yell at them about how it closes at 5pm.
Chelsie asks Juan Pablo what his biggest fear is and he says it's not setting a good example for his daughter. Which makes sense for a man who is dating 15 women right now on a game show and has made out with 3 of them within the past 24 hours. Then Chelsie goes on a ramble about what she's afraid of and I don't really care. I let it play while I was typing this and I'm not going back. You can't make me!
He gives Chelsie the rose and I explain to my cat that it's like a metaphor for the time McDonald's gave me my first happy meal. Then they go running over to a stage so they can dance in front of a rock band who plays for only them. Chelsie then pretends she remembers the words to the song she's never heard before by ABC told her to pretend she knows. Then she says, "Best. Date. Ever!" and they dance some more.
44 minutes left.
We're back from the commercial break that I was hoping would be 43 minutes and 59 seconds longer, to find Juan Pablo show up at the mansion while everyone is still sleeping.
Since Juan Pablo is such super romantic, he cooks breakfast for the girls. He just wants to set a good example for his daughter, remember? So this is the best way to do it. Make breakfast for your 15 girlfriends.
The girls pretend it's a good thing that he sees them in pajamas and without make up. They tell the cameras that they're sure that he just wanted to come and see them in their natural setting, because ABC didn't have a part in it.
They all eat breakfast together and the Juan Pablo tells them they're going to skip the cocktail party and just have a pool party...where they drink alcohol. Juan Pablo finally takes off his shirt and mumbles something to the camera and jumps into the water. The producers are heard in the back ground screaming obscenities and telling each small child who rides by on their bike that Santa isn't real out of frustration.
Then some of the contestants complain to each other about it stinks that they're not getting enough attention from their boyfriend because he's too busy giving other contestants attention. Then Sharleen essentially talks about how it's sad that the girls have to resort to being whores to get his attention. She says, "it's not like I don't like to have fun. I like to have fun. I just think people's definition of fun....differs from person to person." I'm glad she realizes that taking the moral high ground by making out with him on the first date was a good idea.
Then Sharleen takes Juan Pablo aside to tell him she's annoyed with cameras always being in her face. Didn't she sign up for this? How can you go onto this show and not expect a camera there when you have no make-up on and/or pooping? You have to. Whenever I go to the strip club, I expect it to be slightly awkward when I have to explain that I'm changing the TV to the Disney Channel because I'm babysitting. There's just some risk you have to accept, Sharleen.
Then Sharleen cries and Juan Pablo hugs her because he's such a good guy. She thanks him for understanding that she doesn't like cameras in her face when they're making out. So she starts to make out with him on camera. It's a real family moment.
The rest of the girls then all get together in a group so they can complain about how their boyfriend is making out with Sharleen. Clare complains about how it isn't fair that one of his other girlfriends is making out with her boyfriend. Don't you have any better to do than read this?
She runs and hides in a closest and Renee comes and agrees with her that it's disappointing to see their mutual boyfriend make out with other women. And then she tells her it's going to be okay though.
Then ABC tells Juan Pablo to take Clare aside so they can talk. Clare says a bunch of fragmented half sentences that all start with "like". And basically tells him she's mad he's going on dates with other women. He apologizes to her for going on dates with other women and she says, "it's okay you did." Then she says she feels better because he went on dates with other women. Harrison shows up in a crisp picnic blanket shirt and takes Juan Pablo away from the women.
Next is the Rose Ceremony. Juan Pablo tells the girls how great they are....whatever.
Juan Pablo gives a bunch of girls roses and then dumps the homeless hippie girl and some other blond girl I didn't even know was on the show. Hippie girl cries because she won't get to walk a dog naked on ABC anymore. This show sucks.
We're reminded how Sean and Catherine's wedding is going to be live next Sunday. I'm not going to watch because I live in the now and now says Juan Pablo's lack of Hooked On Phonics ass is more important than Ray Bands and The Idiot. Ray Bands And The Idiots is a great band name.
And Cassandra hasn't had a first date in 3 years.
