You will show me you want to be a mom, by showing off the good to the world.
Juan Pablo is looking for a mom for his daughter and son and other daughter. He can't find it at the local bar because that would be a severe lack in dignity. So instead, he decides to make some potential moms get naked. More on that later....
Tonight we start out with a bunch of women who are already in make-up pretending to get ready by putting more make up on and talking about how excited they are for the dates on a game show. Clare tells the camera, "It's all so surreal to me. A few months ago I was at home, and going to work, grabbing myself dinner. Just an average, mundane life. I'm not the kind of person that goes to bars." So naturally I'm waiting for TMZ reveals a video of her out at a club dancing on the bar and slurring words about her hatred for Juan Pablo.
Juan Pablo arrives at the house in a car that is probably worth more than most economies, funded by ABC, so he can pick up some girlfriends and take them to places where they can make out. He walks in with a stupid look on his face and his head tilted sideways like the girl from The Exorcist. The girls pretend to be surprised.
Juan Pablo takes Clare outside and then tells the camera that he likes surprises...or something. He keeps talking like he's out of breath and makes dumb faces. Then ABC tells the rest of the girls to go outside so they can watch as he blindfolds Clare. By the way, it's totally not serial killer-ey to blindfold a girl for the first date. Not at all.
Clare asks repeatedly where they are going and Juan Pablo says, "I like to chill....chillin'." As you can see, he's a Harvard scholar. Then Clare says, "I can't see anything, so all I can do is smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle." If she wins, I can't wait to hear about how they were arguing in a Sears parking lot about how he isn't enough of a gentleman to wait until they get out of the car before he farts. He'll be like "what? I was chill. Chillin'!"
Juan Pablo then tells us he planned this date for them, because ABC never fabricate them. Unfortunately The Bachelor producers must have budget restraints this time around because they take them to a snow park in L.A. as opposed to taking them to a place that is actually snowy. (For those who doubted if they could play the outdoor hockey game in L.A., it's been confirmed it's possible by a fake dating show. I hope you're happy.)
Juan Pablo tells her to get on his back walk through a snowstorm in the middle of trees and lights and Juan Pablo doesn't have a jacket on. The dudes a stud.
He puts her down in the snow which I'm sure she's happy about having frozen ass crack and then takes the blindfold off. The camera catches this right behind her in a position where it looks like she's about to get busy with her lips in his crotch. Then the camera quickly cuts to a distant birds eye shot. Now, this means that they set up the camera behind her and filmed this, then put the blindfold back on and filmed it from afar and told her act surprised twice. It's The Bachelor.
Clare pretends she's super excited about being able to see her breath. It's fun. They go sledding and it's fun. Then Clare says, "This is unreal. This is unreal." I stop to check my email and find that the Nigerian Prince is ready to deposit a million dollars into my back account. So I give him my account number and pin number and say, "THIS IS UNREAL! THIS IS UNREAL!"
They run around and throw snowballs at each other and then ice skate. And by ice skate, I mean Clare pretends to fall a lot so Juan Pablo can catch her. So, blind folding a girl is okay as long as you take her to a place that doesn't have snow. Remember that, gents.
The camera quickly goes back to the house to show a couple girls hanging out in the hot tub and Homeless Free Spirit girl is naked. ABC censored it though. What a sham.
On to the next date. ABC reminds us that one of the girls brought her dog there by having the dog bring the date card to the girls. I haven't seen Harrison yet. Is he okay? Did he slip and fall down a well somewhere? Maybe he's participating in a celebrity hot dog eating contest?
We see Juan Pablo and Clare chasing each other around. Clare says she's never felt so alive with a guy which is interesting because she's known him for all of a matter of days. That's a bold statement on her part. She's gettin' dangerously jiggy wit it.
Anyway, it didn't work because I don't remember which girl brought the dog. But I was hoping that when he brought it inside, he dropped it on the ground and peed on it. Unfortunately, he didn't and I eat forks to try and cause internal organ damage.
Kat gets picked for the next date and it occurs to me they have the dog bring in the cat card. That's irony by ABC. I wonder if they're going to have the dog cuddling with a cat soon.
Because he's contractually obligated to take off his shirt in front of rolling camera's, Juan Pablo does so and gets into a hot tub with Clare and they talk a lot and then there's more talking to the camera. Clare talks about her dead father and then Juan Pablo asks her about her necklace and she talks more about her dead father. Then she says her fathers dead and then she said she's looking for someone who is like her dead father.
Because she talked so much about how her father is dead and she wants to find someone who is like her dead father, Juan Pablo gives her the rose. And then, they make out. She tells Juan Pablo he tastes like snow. I hate this show.
Then they get out of the hot tub so they can make out in front of a guy playing guitar. I don't remember his name, but I don't care to rewind to find out. Clare remarks how ABC made it snow and she doesn't know where it came from because they're in L.A and it doesn't snow there. Then, they make out some more while dancing in their bathing suits in the snow. Clare talks about how she knows her dad is watching down and is so proud of her for dancing in the snow half naked with a man she's know for a few hours who is also dating 16 other women.
Back from break, Kat talks about how she can't believe this is real life because she's on a fake dating show and going on dates. Juan Pablo comes to the mansion to pick her up, but doesn't blindfold her. He must not like her. But just to fill more time, he takes her to an airport where he can drive on the runway. He pulls up to a private jet (no HELICOPTER!?!?!) and they both get on. Please keep in mind that he plans all of these dates and pays for them all.
Juan Pablo then leaves her at her seat and then goes and changes into a jogging outfit with a hear that lights up. She pretends it's the greatest thing ever by laughing, even though there's nothing special about it. Kat puts on a neon outfit that could be used to land planes on a runaway at night and then Juan Pablo puts on neon glasses he clearly got from Kanye.
The plane lands in Salt Lake City and they end up going to a rave, but ABC doesn't show them trying to get people to take acid. Not even ecstasy. It's dumb.
ABC planned a bunch of people to run with them with glow sticks. They run 5K. That's kind of mean for a first date. I mean, exercise? Most first dates are dinner at an Applebees or taking down an entire bucket of popcorn at a movie she wants to see, but you really don't.
They get to the finish line and of course ABC makes Juan Pablo and Kat go up on stage so they can dance like morons in front of a crowd. Kat mentions how she sees the rose on stage and says, "When I see that rose, I get excited, anxious, nervous, jittery" and I'm convinced maybe ABC did make her do ecstasy. He asks if she will take the rose and I hope that she says no and it would make this a super awkward party. But she does take the rose and I spike my water bottle.
Next is the group date. This is the date where 13 of Juan Pablo's girlfriends get to fight for his attention at the same time while the girls who didn't get picked get to stay at the mansion and get drunk and complain about how they don't get to see the guy with his other girlfriends. The homeless hippie wonders how she can get Juan Pablo's attention and then flashes the camera. It's blocked out and I'm angry.
Kelly says, "The day card says cheese. I'm assuming it's a photo shoot, but maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both." Kelly never needed education.
The girls meet up with Juan Pablo at a garage. I was hoping he was going to tell them that they were going to spend the day driving around in a garbage truck and pick up poopy diapers and rotten food, but instead they're at a photo shoot. There's a guy who has a turquoise goatee who tells them they're going to pose in bikinis with dogs.
Then, they go into the next room and see a whole bunch of dogs running around. The girls play with dogs and they pee and poop everywhere. It's touching.
More girls talk about how exited they are. Then, because ABC tries to make these girls have as much of a mental breakdown as they can, the turquoise goatee guy reveals to Elise (the first grade teacher, mind you) that she isn't going to be wearing anything but a cardboard sign. Basically it's going to be a naked photo shoot. I now wish this show was on Cinemax.
The naked photo shoot is awesome except for the part where this is the only way that Juan Pablo is going to find a motherly figure for his daughter and other son and daughter. They can't just hang out with kids at a daycare or something. No, the only way Juan Pablo is going to know that he has finally found the one is by destroying her dignity by having her lady parts photographed.
Camilla must be watching with Juan Pablo's parents. They must be so excited to see that their future step mom is willing to pose naked with their dad. I hope they use the money they win on this show for shrinks.
The picture get taken and the other girls watch while their boyfriend kisses his other girlfriends. It's magical.
Andi still doesn't want to get naked because she still has enough pride to date on a game show. Juan Pablo goes over to tell her it's okay if she doesn't want to take her clothes off on the first date. But Andi eventually decides she's going to take off her clothes for pictures because Juan Pablo made her more comfortable. Future moms everywhere. Take note.
They all pose in their nakedness for the naked pictures and heartwarming music plays because Andi overcame her fear of taking her clothes off. The girls talk about how great they are for getting naked so dogs get adopted. We still got an hour left.
Later on in the group date, Juan Pablo and his 13 girlfriends go to drink alcohol by a pool on a roof. Then Juan Pablo takes Cassandra to a balcony so they can talk. She tells him how she has a two year old son and he gets super excited. Juan wants more kids, so this makes him happy. She then says she feels closer to him because they spent 2 minutes on a balcony where she tells him she has a kid. It makes sense.
Then he takes another girl to a rooftop and tells her how his daughter makes "i"s that looks like his fingers. She tells us that she was their first kiss on that rooftop. Then they say how fun it is to stand on top of a building at least 15 times. Then she tells him he was close to kissing her while they were taking pictures with dogs. She must be getting impatient He avoids to kissing her and then she tries to kiss him and he dodges it again. She's done for.
Victoria has had a little too much to drink. She talks about how she wants to straddle him for the rest of her life. That's what being a mom is all about. Gettin' drunk and declaring you want to straddle someone for the rest of your life.
Victoria is really slurring her words and it's entertaining. ABC even knows it's entertaining because they're playing their awkward entertainment music. The other girls are laughing at her, but one of the girls is concerned. She's drunk, but she can still walk.
Juan Pablo pulls Nikki side so they can sit on a couch and talk. Meanwhile, Victoria is still drunk and slurring her words and she decides to go and find Juan Pablo because she's drunk and thinks she'll get his attention. Then Victoria says, "I gave him the hyman maneuver earlier. I saved his life. I should get a rose for that." I'm not sure if the alcohol made her really believe she saved his life or if she's being sarcastic. I hope she really thinks she's saved his life by giving him the hyman maneuver. Where were drunk lifeguards at the village pool when I was a kid?
Victoria says, "Whose leg do I have to hump to get some 1 on 1 time?" That's going to be my new pick up line.
Victoria walks by Nikki and Juan Pablo but doesn't say anything to them. Then, because she's drunk and on this show, she runs to the bathroom so she can be drunk and cry. There's lots of sobbing and it's awkward.
One of Juan Pablo's other girlfriends goes into the bathroom to console Victoria who continues to cry and slur her words. The camera man shoots underneath the stall door, fulfilling my suspicion that all Bachelor cameramen were voyeur cameramen at some point.
There's more crying and snot bombs. After more yelling and snot, Victoria tries to go home. One of the ABC producers who has wasted having a perfectly good beard by being on this show tells Victoria she doesn't have shoes on so she can't leave. He also tells her that he has to book her a flight so she can't leave. Then he says, "You're a drunken mess, so I want you to stay here." Not really, but you know he's thinking it.
Victoria yells more and then runs to another bathroom but makes sure she lets the cameraman follow her. Lucy comes and tells Juan Pablo about the snot filled drunken crying that's going on. He goes into the women's bathroom to console Victoria, which in some parts would have him arrested. Juan Pablo doesn't say much and she cries more. I'm starting to think she's not stable enough to be a mom for his daughter and other son and other daughter. Then he tells her he'll be outside and walks away.
Juan takes the group date rose and gives it to Kelly and the other girls pretend they're happy for Kelly who is dating their boyfriend. I can't say I hate Kelly yet. But, it's early. It's only the first group date. She has plenty of time to turn my hate-bomb on. Juan Pablo then leaves and tells the girls that Victoria is their problem. He's a gentleman.
Shawntel and Chelsie then talks about how great Juan Pablo is for taking 2 minutes to sit with Victoria in a bathroom stall while she's crying and then walking away from her. They said he's a great guy because he didn't say good bye or see if she needed her hair held while puking.
The next day, Victoria is gone. ABC send Juan Pablo to visit Victoria and she apologizes for being a drunken mess. He accepts her apology but tells her maybe she isn't cut out to be a mom to his daughter and son and other daughter. He only wants girls who will pose naked with dogs, not a girl who got drunk.
Next we have the cocktail party because if Victoria was any sort of indication, alcohol makes good things happen on this show. There's a bunch of talking and then Juan Pablo explains to the girls that he sent Victoria home because she drinks too much. They should have had Victoria drink before she did the photo shoot.
Amy, the reporter, interviews Juan Pablo and it's super funny. It's so funny that I had to call my doctor to give me emergency medication so that I stop laughing. Like reverse laughing gas. I paused the show and went to his office so I could take the reverse laughing gas. I'm so exhausted with this episode.
Opera singer apologizes to Juan Pablo for acting like she didn't want the rose last week. She must've just received her electric bill at home and it was more than expected, so she needs to stay on the show to get more money. Have we figured out where she's from yet?
Since Cassandra hasn't gotten enough camera time, she starts crying about how she feels bad that she abandoned her son to come on the show. She should've known better and brought him to hang out with Juan Pablo's daughter and his parents.
Renee comes over to hug Cassandra and tell her it's okay that she left her kid for a few weeks of fame on a fake dating show. She says she wants what's best for the girl who is dating her current boyfriend. Renee says she should stay in L.A. and to not worry about her kid.
I hope you didn't skip down this far or you REALLY would be missing out.
Juan Pablo comes over to talk to Cassandra about how she missing her son. There's sad piano music playing I think they should just have live musicians playing in the back ground during these times. They should have them sitting on a piano while talking about these things.
Juan Pablo assures Cassandra it's going to be okay if she stays in LA and doesn't go back to her son because, in due time he'll dump her and she'll be able to be with her son again. She thanks him and then there's more snot coming out her nose.
I fast forwarded through the commercial break but saw something about Catherine and Sean. Going back and watching what the hell that was all about would mean I had to find out what the hell that was all about. Also, only about 16 minutes left of the show. I'm not that much of a glutton for pain.
Back from break, Harrison finally comes on screen so he can get that paycheck. He's like the quarterback that wants to keep his starting streak going when the team is 13-1, so he comes out for one series and then sits on the sidelines. But Harrison is all about the BenJuanmins.
You see what I did there?
Anyway, it's the rose ceremony and Juan Pablo dumps some of his girlfriends. The crazy Amy girl is send home and she's mad. She doesn't interview herself on why she got dumped by a guy who is dating 16 other women so I get upset and shed a tear. Shawntel or Chantel or whatever gets sent home. I think she put on the black skull cap to look like the dog she was holding. She should've offered to be naked, then she probably would've stayed around. Oh well. Feel free to throw a running lawnmower at me while I sleep.
