I have no intro for this episode. Why? Because K-Pop is coming. It's coming to America. And not like Eddie Murphy who's looking for a wife. No, it's coming to take over.
When they invade, they'll use MC Hammer's wardrobe and hide
amongst the columns in Lasertron.
We're a few episodes in and I haven't seen very much crying on this show. We did have the one girl who said that she hates Juan Pablo and hope he dies. But for the most part, that has been it. I am not quite sure who the paid actress is!! And it's driving me insane. You know that routine. One of the girls is a former local commercial actress whose only claim to fame is walking through the door in the background for a restaurant. Who is it? I don't know.
The opening montage gets us ready for 2 hours of horror that would make Chuckie say, "yeah, i think you can just kill me now." Juan Pablo has taken his 13 girlfriends to Korea so that they can pretend they have feelings for him while other girls are concerned because they care about him so much that they just want to make sure he ends up with the right girl. Run on sentences get the job done quicker.
Tonight starts out with Juan Pablo cuddling Camila and complains about how he hates leaving the ones that he loves. He gives her a kiss and said he knows she will be in good hands when he's in Korea and search for the momma/baby making tabloid machine. Then he hugs his parents and fixes his daughters wedgie. Juan Pablo is such a good dad.
We go to the mansion and Harrison lays down the rules for tonight's game show. Tonight there is two group dates and one 1on1 date. He then tells them to get their passports and they all scream like girls who just did lines and are listening to a Justin Bieber song. And he finishes it off with saying they're going to South Korea. The girls scream and hug each other because they're all dating Juan Pablo and they're friends because of it.
Clare looks like she's about to have a panic attack and is wearing a ring that wouldn't let her finger move. She just keeps saying "KOREA! I MEAN.....KOREA!" It's deep.
Juan Pablo arrives in Seoul (which is pronounced like "soul" which is ironic because no one on this should has a soul.) and the camera catch him walking around and thinking. He thinks and thinks some more and thinks about love in between thinking. Then the girls arrive and they scream some more as they walk around the city of Seoul. Then they get to their hotel and scream at how nice their hotel is. There's so much screaming and we're only 8 minutes in.
Finally the producers decide for us who we want to hate. Nikki gets picked to be on the first group date and she complains about how she doesn't want to share her boyfriend with other women while their half way around the world. She just wants to be alone with Juan Pablo. Where does she think she is? On a dating game show?
Juan Pablo then explains to use what K-Pop is. It stand for "Korean Pop". I wish Juan Pablo would just explain to us why he can't talk. He tells us that K-Pop is taking over America. I did a Google search of "What is a K-pop song?" and the first result was "The Best K-Pop Songs of 2013". I had a listen to Heo Young Saeng's "The Age Of Seduction". I listened for 4 seconds and then realized that this makes complete sense for this show to feature K-Pop. It's torture. This is one step short of them coming to my house and putting fire ants underneath my fingernails.
Anyway, back to Juan Pablo and Seoul-less girlfriends. As we see the girls all getting ready to see their man, Nikki is shown that she's pissed off. What a turdy turd.
Juan takes his girlfriends to go and dance with a K-pop group known as 21. He tip toes into the studio so 21 doesn't hear them coming because ABC's camera capturing this date that was booked months ago with the band's management and the studio's reps isn't a dead giveaway.
Nikki pretends that she knows who 21 is by saying they're "freaking huge". She then tells us
"One of their music videos has 21 million views. Million. That's a lot of views!"
Oh, it's 2NE1. I forgot the cool kids of today distort the English language by manipulating words with numbers and letters. Wait a minute, why the hell is this Korean group using English?
NEway, I h8 to break it 2 u. But dis part is sooper boring. Okay I can't type like this anymore.
2NE1 dance and then show the girls how to dance. You'd think this would be awesome because they're all in yoga pants and yoga pants are god's way of saying the lust sin isn't really a big problem anymore. but it's not that awesome. It's disappointing.
Then Juan Pablo dances. Then 2NE1 dance with them. It's boring. Kat says it's been her dream since childhood to be a back-up dancer. Since that life didn't work out, she's now slutting it up on a network dating show. Tomato- Tomahto.
2NE1 says they want to have Juan Pablo and his girlfriends come on stage and do a live dance performance with them. Kat gets super excited and Nikki says that this is her worst nightmare and that she's going to crap in her pants. Last week I got a girl getting hit in the face by a soccer ball. This week I may get a hot girl pooping live on stage? Ok, maybe this show isn't so bad.
What the hell did I just say?
The girls go into a rehearsal room and put on neon clothes from a 1991 Salt N Pepa video and shiny shoes. Then Nikki complains some more about going on stage. She's a pain in the ass.
Juan Pablo shows up in a jacket with a collar that even Vin Diesel's character in the Fast And The Furious series would say, "that's pretty excessive" and then he reminds us that K-pop is the next big thing.
They arrive at the venue where they're going to dance. It's a mall. This is suppose to be one of the biggest K-Pop groups in the world and they play at a mall? Then we're remind 473 more times that 2NE1 is a huge band because everyone is contractually obligated to do so.
The girls go on stage to dance. Then they dance. I went to take a dump because I sitting and watching this is my worst nightmare.
Nikki complains some more. Then the rest of the girls complain about how Kat is a natural K-Pop dancer. Then they say she's trying to steal too much of the K-pop show and she's not focused enough on Juan Pablo. That's understandable. Why would she want to stick out more than Juan Pablo's other girlfriends? That makes no sense.
The girls then remark about how it's unbelievable that no one else but them can say that they performed with 2NE1 at that show. I'm not that disappointed in myself.
Later on, the group goes to a spa...or...well, I'm not sure what this place is. But they go to it. Kat gets the first chance to sit with Juan Pablo away from the other girls so they can judge her. She tells Juan Pablo that she moved to Arizona because her dad was an alcoholic. Then, she starts to cry because she hates being vulnerable. It's her biggest fear in life. Then she asks Juan Pablo what his biggest fear is and he says it's not setting a good example for his daughter. I hope his daughter never goes down the tabloid aisle at the grocery store.
We go back to the group of girls so the camera can catch them feeling uncomfortable with Nikki. Nikki doesn't like Kat because she thinks she's fake. She says that being fake isn't going to get you anything in life which undoubtedly means she has no idea what show she's on. Then Danielle talks about how Nikki is being caddy and says she knows that's not a good thing for Camila, Juan Pablos' daughter that she's never met.
Nikki then goes and sits with Juan Pablo so that they can talk. She tells him how nervous she is around his other girlfriends. He tells her that it's fine and that she should act like herself. After they get done, Nikki tells the world about how close her and Juan Pablo are now because they talked for 4 minutes. ABC tells Juan Pablo to give Nikki the rose so they other girls can fuel their hate for Nikki. They hate Nikki some more. I hate this show.
Back at the super white Seoul hotel, Sharleen learns that she gets the 1on1 and she isn't happy about it, so the rest of the girls complain because they don't think she really likes their boyfriend. No one has screamed in awhile The screaming to minutes ratio has dropped dramatically while the caddy to minutes ratio has gone up exponentially.
Back from break, we finally get some footage of Juan Pablo taking a shower. I can only imagine how this happen. Do they make an intern stand there with a camera while naked Juan Pablo showers with the door open? Are the producers in the living room watching old K-pop videos from 6 months ago and laughing to each other about how they made the 19 year old college intern film Juan Pablo showering? That kid is never going to grow up like a real man. I hope Camila isn't watching.
They walk around a market and eat food and try on clothes. It's exciting the same way filming ants walking across the country is exciting. They sit down and talk about how Sharleen is an opera singer. Then, Juan Pablo tells her he wants to hear her sing and takes her somewhere to sing. Sharleen says she never sings for a guy this early in the relationship. So, to recap, she's willing to share her boyfriend with a bunch of other women, but sing? Out of the question.
Juan Pablo basically tells her that she can shove that idea up her ass and that she's going to sing for him. Sharleen does a good job at standing her ground by finally singing. Then there's more singing. I miss K-Pop. He tells her that she's a good singer and then, they make out. There's lots of awkward slurping.
Then, they go around the corner to sit down and eat some more on camera. Sharleen thanks Juan Pablo for the perfect date even though 3 minutes ago she said she didn't want to sing which was this date. Then they talk some more and it's just so much filler. Where is 2NE1? I want to watch some chicks in yoga pants at this point. They're still talking.
Juan Pablo asks her how many kids she wants, which is good conversation on the first date. Sharleen pauses and then says, "that's a whole other topic." the music goes from soft guitar to super dramatic. I start to sweat because I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm nervous. This is how I felt when I walked through the monkey house at the zoo.
Sharleen tells Juan Pablo she hates kids and dated a guy who had a kid before. She didn't like it. So since Juan Pablo is looking for a good mother for his daughter and a baby maker, he gives her the rose. The rose came from what looks like a broken telescope. What the hell is going on with this show? They make out some more.
Next is the second group date. Juan Pablo meets up with them in a market. Juan Pablo tells them that they're just going to explore the city of Seoul. Then he surprises the group by telling them they're going to go to a random Korean's apartment to do some karaoke. The girls pretend to be excited and then complain to the camera about how they can't sing. Then they scream into the microphone and all dance with maracas. I can literally feel a headache coming on. It's a good thing I'm not watching this on a bridge over the I-90 right now. Why won't my laptop overheat?
They walk around the city more and go more group date things. Then they take pictures. There's so much K-Pop music being played right now. Then they go on paddle boats shaped like ducks.
Juan Pablo takes the girls to a place where you put your feel in water filled with fish who eat dead skin off your feet. They put their feet in the water and there's screaming. The fish die instantly from the chemical enhancements. Just kidding. But there is screaming.
Then some of the girls complain about how Clare is always sitting next to her boyfriend who is also their boyfriend. You know, because she shouldn't compete for attention.
After their feet are free of dead skin, the group goes and eats octopus. Clare says, "this is the epitome of my fears." I know her dad is watching her right now and is thinking, "I've taught her so well."
Kelly accuses Clare of being a drama queen because she won't eat a tiny piece of octopus. She says about Clare, "I know you've swallowed bigger things than that." That's sexual innuendo people! She's so like 14. LOL! TTYL!
Later on in the night, the group goes to a hotel...or something. How come they never really explain where they are? Anyway, the go out on a patio to drink alcohol. Renee and Juan Pablo go to talk and Renee says she's ready to kiss him.
She asks Juan Pablo, "What would Camila think if she saw me kiss you?" Juan Pablo keeps his ambition in check by saying, "I don't know." Then, he tells us he wants to kiss her, but he's thinking about how he wants to set a good example for his daughter. Then he talks about how he's already kissed 6 girls in the next sentence.
Then he grabs Andi and takes her aside and doesn't kiss her. Then he takes Lauren to sit on the side of the road on a curb like they're pulled over by a cop for drunk driving. She basically begs him to kiss her, but he doesn't. Lauren cries because she got rejected by Juan Pablo. What can I say? He's a great dad because sets his limit at kissing 6 girlfriends.
Then the girls sit in a group and talk about who has and who hasn't kissed their mutual boyfriend. If this was at some no name person's house, it'd be really awkward and probably would end in bloodied noses. But this is The Bachelor. This is normal conversation.
Back from break, Clare and Juan Pablo talk about eat octopus. Then, he makes out with Clare. I guess he figured since he's already kissed her, that door has already been kicked in, so he can kiss her as much as he wants while the rest of his girlfriends cry and watch. He just wants to set a good example for Camila. Then he gives the group date rose to Andi because he remembers she sat next to him naked with dogs.
Next is another cocktail party. (WHERE THE HELL ARE THE HELICOPTERS!?) The girls get drunk and cause more drama. Clare is talking to Juan Pablo and Nikki comes and intercepts Juan Pablo. Clare gets mad and walks away.
The rest of the girls get together to complain about how fake Nikki is. Then Clare gets fed up with how Nikki calls her fake. So she confronts Nikki about how she's called her fake. Then Clare accuses Nikki of being fake. Seriously, why do you read these things? Go to bed.
Chris Harrison shows up to break the tension. Juan Pablo gives keep insight to his thought process by saying to the girls, "This is going to be a tough, tough night."
Next is the Rose Ceremony. Juan Pablo dumps two of his girlfriends: Elise and Lauren. They have to go back to the U.S. alone and just watch 2NE1 on YouTube. Don't worry though, they're the biggest K-pop group soon to be at your local mall. Remember, he didn't kiss Lauren. Maybe it was because he knew he was going to dump her. He's such a great guy.
Next week, Juan Pablo and his girlfriend are going to go to Vietnam so they can explore the jungle that were doused in Agent Orange.
