Tonight is the second half of a two-night special
of "The Bachelor." I'm still not sure why they did this. It's not
like last night's episode was any different. Still soulless women fighting for
attention both on screen and with our Bachelor Sean Lowe. Fake smiles, fake
breasts. But, REAL DRAMA!
Sean continues his search for a 6 month marriage tonight by setting the bar high. We're only 1 minute into the episode and during the montage, Sean says, "There's a woman tonight that I do not see a 'forever' with." These girls better step it up a notch, Sean is getting serious about this.
Sean Lowe and the remaining 9 girlfriends move their way north of the border and hang out in the Canadian Rockies. Sean once again talks about how must of an outdoorsy (yep, still a word) person he is. He's shown climbing up a bunch of rocks and then stands at the top to think. Cut to 2 limos, pulling up to the
The girls start out tonight the same way they left last night by complaining about Tierra still being there. Soon after, the date card enters the room. Catherine gets selected for the first 1 on 1 date and all of the girls act super happy at the fact she's going on a date with all of their mutual boyfriend. \
They stick Catherine out in the middle of a snowstorm and we all watch her facial expression go from excitement to "man, its effing cold." (effing is a word too?) Sean then pulls up in a giant snow bus. It's basically a Greyhound bus but with giant snow tires on it. Sean reveals to Catherine they're going to go and play on a glacier for the day. This seems like such a waste of money. The bus looks like it could fit 100 people on it, yet ABC wastes resources by having Sean come and pick up just Catherine. Why couldn't they at least use this on the group date? It would make sense. 10 people is better than 2 for such a giant bus. Were they afraid that One Armed Girl wouldn't be able to climb onto the bus? Maybe they were just afraid all of the silicone would freeze if they went on the bus to the aforementioned glacier.
I sense I've put too much thought into this.
They get to the glacier and Sean is already complaining about how cold and windy it is. He says, "We're getting hit in the face with snowflakes and ice flakes and it hurts! And it is freezing out here!" Despite his complaining, Catherine tries to pretend she's having fun despite not being able to feel her toes. They sled some more on flat land and roll around in the snow. Catherine says, "I never get cold with him." Even thought this is the first date and the first time she's ever been anywhere cold with him.
After they're done getting hit in the face by subzero wind chills, Sean takes Catherine for a ride on a horse drawn carriage. Catherine says, "I want to start the next level with him." I was hoping this meant he was going to take her to play video games, especially if it's Contra. But he didn't. Contra was a great game. UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT A B A B SELECT START. If the Bachelor had this cheat, the girls would be able to have 30 chances to be on the show. How come no one has thought of this until now?
Sean takes Catherine to an ice castle where they cuddle on a couch. He chips away part of the ice castle to put ice in Catherine's drink. As if she isn't cold enough.
You can't be on this show without having someone close to you die a tragic death. Catherine reveals that when she was a little kid, she watched a friend of hers die due to a tree falling on her at summer camp. This made her realize that her only purpose in life was to get married. I did not make that up.
Sean thanks her for telling him about trees falling on people and then gives her the rose. And then, they make out. They dance in their ice castle and make out some more. Sean remarks about how he was worried that dating upwards of 25 women on national television might not work for him, but Catherine has totally changed his mindset.
Next is the group date. Sean uses a not so original idea to start the group date by having all of the girls canoe. Leslie does the math and realizes that one girl is going to ride in Sean's canoe while the rest of the girls ride in 2 other canoes. Before Sean can even try to contemplate which girl should be in the canoe with him, Leslie offers herself up and he gladly accepts. One Armed Girl even has to canoe. If Sean was such an amazing gentlemen as these girls remind us every 15 seconds, he would have said One Armed Girl gets to ride with him. But he doesn't. He leaves One Armed Girl to fend for herself.
The rest of the girls get mad when Leslie stops canoeing and turns around to stare at Sean.
Sean tells the girls that they're all going to take off their clothes and swim in the cold water. Most of the girls pretend they're super excited to jump in freezing water, while a few stand in shock.
After being told the water is barely above the freezing point (which means it's just above 32 degrees....thanks science class),
Sean finally gets to take his shirt off and reveal his abs. The rest of the girls (except
For what seems like forever, there's a ton of screaming and swearing and they all jump in the water for about 3 seconds. Super triumphant music plays as all of the girls jump around and shriek about how much fun it was. But then, the music changes to a quiet dramatic tone as we find out that Tierra can't breathe. She got too cold, so they wrap her up in aluminum foil that Wendy's wraps their burgers in. The paramedic and lifeguard try to help Tierra as Sean talks about how he feels like a jerk for making the skin and bone girls jump in the water. Meanwhile, the producers are so happy they start to throw snowballs at each other....just because.
The paramedics carry Tierra all the way back to the resort. The music is super intense by now, but rather than bring her into the resort first, they put Tierra in an SUV. Minutes later, they take her out of the SUV and bring her into the resort. Desiree and Catherine watch from their private balcony and talk about how worried and confused they are. They go down to the room that Tierra was taken into and the cameras are there to make sure they pick up them entering the room. They start to talk to Tierra, so the paramedics think this is a perfect time to leave the virtually frozen solid girl alone and leave the room. Catherine then says she's worried about how the other girls are.
Cut to the hallway where the rest of the girls smile and laugh about how great jumping in cold water was. Then they all get together to talk about how Tierra almost died and she's a huge faker. Since Tierra's sole purpose on this show is to make the other girls mad, she is shown getting a royal treatment in a room by herself. Sean goes to visit her to make sure she's okay and she says he better marry her for all of the injuries she's had over the past couple weeks. I pound my hands on the table.
Next is the cocktail party. Sean and the girls go to a place called The Deer Lodge to sit on couches, complain about Tierra, and drink alcohol. First, Sean takes Leslie aside and she talks about how she never jumped in a lake full of freezing water before. I am totally shocked by this. They talk about how crazy jumping in the lake was and then they make out.
Next, One Armed Girl gets some 1 on 1 time with Sean. She shows pictures of her when she was a baby and talks about how she hopes to be able to bring Sean to meet her family someday. They don't make out and Sean talks about how meeting her family is a big step that he's worried about. My guess is that it's already been decided in his head that she's going to be gone by the end of this episode.
Later on that night, Sean shows up unannounced but again, the cameras catch it. If the girls genuinely didn't know what was going on, I can only imagine how the conversation goes between them and the camera crew that shows up. My guess is they just tell the girls, "We’re just here to get some stock footage to roll while Sean is working out. Everybody put their fake smiles on! and ACTION!"
If that's the case, then it makes Sean showing up to dump one of the girls extra intense. He shows up and takes One Armed Girl (called it!) out into another room so the rest of the girls don't have to watch him dump her. He dumps her sitting on a couch and it's super awkward. She starts to cry and tells him that it's okay as Sean stumbles through the break up. He walks her down the hallway to her room and does a great job at avoiding the stub from touching him.
Sarah goes back to the other girls and tells them she's going home. They console her and apologize for her because their boyfriend just dumped her. In once last ditch effort to be next season's Bachelorette, she then cries some more to the camera as she talks about how she's sick of being told how great she is, but never ending up the one who finds love.
Next is the final 1 on 1 date. FINALLY!
Desiree and Sean go to
Desiree says she's scared of heights. Sean relates climbing down a mountain and facing your fears with falling in love with someone. This show is running out of rock climbing metaphors as quickly as I'm running out of jokes about them.
We watch them repel down the mountain and it's super boring. Desiree whines a lot and they stop at random times to make out. And when they get to the bottom, Sean takes her to the middle of a field to eat food and talk.
After talking, Desiree challenges Sean to a tree climbing race. When they get to the top of the tree, they yell "Hello
Sean decides to put on a sweater that Stevie Wonder would criticize and he takes Desiree to a teepee (teepee is not a word, apparently). They sit on a couch and Desiree tells Sean how she use to live in a tent. She never mentions anyone dying in the tent. Without anyone dying in the tent, Sean isn't impressed, but he still gives her the rose anyway. Then, they make out some more because Desiree feels bad that ABC made him wear that sweater.
Desiree then says, "I opened up about spending part of my life in a ten and, here I am, falling in love in a teepee." If you had any doubt about me "taking one for the team" so you don't have to, you shouldn't be doubting it anymore.
Next is the cocktail party. Some of the girls get together to complain more about Tierra. Sean shows up and tells us that this cocktail is important because his decisions from her on in about who to dump are going to be difficult. He takes
Next he takes Lindsay out and she says she can't kiss him, but then constantly talks about how she wants to. She does a great job of resisting by telling Sean "Okay. Do it" and they make out. Sean says he's super happy he's got a bunch of women there that he cares about and he's glowing. He then takes AshLee out to talk (aka make out). AshLEE gives Sean a blindfold and tells him to blindfold her. She says it's like a metaphor for him leading her into the unknown....and her trusting him...or something. I don't know. I hate metaphors at this point.
He carries her out to the hotel lobby and they make out. This guy just made out with 3 girls in a matter of minutes. I don't know why they can't just do all the making out at once. The 3 girls making out would be perfect for me.
Next is the Rose Ceremony. One again, the girls talk about how they hope Tierra goes home and Sean tells them the decisions are tough now. Now that he's made out with every girl on the show (besides Daniella...I'm not even sure how she's there) he has come to the realization that with every week, there will be less women for him to make out with. It's tough for Sean. I feel his pain.
Sean
dumps Daniella (before he even got to make out with her!) and Selma Selma
Daniella cries and complains about not getting a shot with Sean and I don't care because she was never important.
Sean rejoices in the 6 girls that are left by saying, "That was extremely difficult. Because I had developed extreme feelings for both of those women. But, was overcome with a sense of clarity. And I knew that you six were the six for me." I did not make that up.
During the credits, Sean tells Ashley about how he peed in a desk drawer when he was 4 years old. Thanks for reading.
