This week is important for Sean and his girlfriends. It's important for Sean because Sean is starting to love these women. It's important to the ladies because this is the last time they get to hang out with him before 4 girls take him home to meet their families. Considering how important the stakes are, this episode was super boring.
Sean Lowe and his 6 remaining girlfriends are headed to what Sean is contractually obligated to call "the most beautiful place in the world", St. Croix. St. Croix is in the Virgin Islands, which is hilarious because by the end of this season, I guarantee there will be no virgins women on this show, once Sean gets done with them.
Just kidding, there weren't any virgins to begin with.
Sean does a little self-recap by talking about how when he was in Montana, he was unsure that his future 6 month wife was one of his girlfriends at the time. But then he went to Canada and realized that his wife is in the room. No man can enter Canada with 9 girlfriends and walk out without knowing one of them is his future wife. No one.
When the girls arrive to their resort, Tierra starts off with a quote we all can enjoy: "I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriend, I'm just not." I wonder if anyone has told her that they're all dating her boyfriend and have made out with him on multiple occasions. She then proceeds to brings out a bed that is similar to ones found in most camping cottages out to the living room and says she just wants to not be near the rest of the girls. My guess is that she is referencing to when she's sleeping, and therefore unconscious which makes sense, because the producers will make sure she's around them the rest of the time.
AshLEE gets the first 1 on 1 date. Sean and AshLEE walk down the beach and there is a boat out in the water. Sean says that the boat is going to take them to a private island, but first he and AshLEE must swim out to the boat. We're 5 minutes into tonight's episode and FINALLY Sean gets to reveal his abs. He had to wait a long time to do so last week, so I'm sure he feels so much more comfortable this week.
Because no one on this show can go 6 minutes without talking about a traumatic experience they had growing up, AshLEE takes this opportunity to remind the world that she had a tragic past. She remind us all that she was never loved by a family when she was a kid, because she was an orphan. AshLEE starts to cry and I cry along with her. Everybody is crying. I pause the show for a minute so I can wipe away the tears...
They both jump off of the boat and into the water and the music is touching. AshLEE says, "I'm happy. Through the tears, I am happy." Me too, Ash. Me too...
Back at the resort, all of the girls except Tierra hang out on the beach and drink alcohol. They start to complain about Tierra and comment about how she's sleeping on a cot. Lesley says, "I want to roll away her roll away bed into the freaking ocean." Then they all talk over each other and complain about Tierra's complaining. That's right, they take this time to complain about someone else complaining. I hate this show.
Then Lesley says, "I don't know what makes her think she has the right to be such a spoiled brat." If you remember, they're sitting in one of the "most beautiful places in the world" and is staying in a resort that cost more per night than what 80% of America citizens make in a month... all on ABC's tab. Yet she is complaining about someone else being spoiled.
Back at the date, AshLEE takes this as a perfect time to open up to Sean about how annoying Tierra is. She rambles on about everything that is bothering her and then Seans talks about how great AshLEE is for hating Tierra. Then they go out near the water and lay in the sand and make out.
We go back to the resort and find out that Tierra gets the second 1 on 1 date. The card says that Sean wants to take Tierra out and walk the streets of St. Croix. Because Tierra's sole purpose on this show is to make the other girls and the viewers angry, she complains about how much the 1 on 1 date disappoints her. She complains that there is going to be bugs and how the heat is going to make her sweaty and her make up run. I run outside into the street and yell, "TIERRA, IS NOTHING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!?"
Sean takes AshLEE to dinner out on the beach, which must make her really happy to walk through sand in high heels. Sean drops a bomb on AshLEE by asking if there is anything he should know about AshLEE's family before he potentially meets them. AshLEE looks shocked by the question and then proceeds stall as much as possible before telling them. She rambles on and then finally tells him that when she was 17, she married a guy. Sean takes this information well by saying, "You were a married junior? That's young." She then says she cried the night before she got married, but then told herself that she needed to do it in order to not fight with her adoptive mother. I don't get how getting married at such a young age would have helped that situation. But whatever, this show is garbage.
Sean tells her that she isn't "broken" and she thanks him for thinking she's not an idiot. And then they make out some more. AshLEE then gets up on her chair and yells, "HELLO ST. CROIX!" and Sean does the same. Way to steal Catherine's idea, AshLEE.
BUT WAIT! I immediately retract that statement, because then AshLEE raises the bar by saying "I LOVE SEAN!" and super happy piano music plays. It's so emotional. I love it. I love everything about this show. I was wrong. It's so perfect.
Next is the second 1 on 1 date. Sean is shown standing on a dock in some sweet Converse and he talks about how he needs to talk to Tierra about how evil she is. Tierra complains about how sweaty and thirsty she is and then they walk the streets and shop. Tierra talks about how much Sean knows her because he took her shopping, yet 1 minute ago she was complaining about having to go shopping. Then a parade comes down the street and Sean and Tierra dance with the people in the parade, because Tierra loves doing things that encourage her to perspire. It would've been awesome if she became a hot sweaty mess like old men in a sauna and Sean says, "easy on the the water bullets there. You know what? I'm done."
They buy snowcones and sit on some stairs to talk. Sean asks her about why she's so crazy when he's not around and she tells him she thinks all of the other girls are jealous of her. He then asks her if she would handle the girls hating her differently and she said no. She could be gone.
They go to eat dinner and Tierra complains about how Sean has been acting distant on their date, even though they danced and made out in the street. He says he agrees with her that he was distant, but it was because he was told by AshLEE how crazy she is.
Then they go out to a dock and sit to talk and Tierra talks about how mad she is for the other girls conspiring against her. She says "I can play the game too". She then tells Sean that she's falling in love with him and then they lick each other's tongues. I'm not kidding, it looks like they're licking each other when they make out. Sean then does a complete 180 because he realizes that Tierra loves him and thus will get it on with him.
Sean then gets a super fun idea that he stole from Ben (or was it Brad? Jake? I don't remember. I've watched too much of this show) and goes to the girl's room at 4:42 in the morning to take pictures of them and take them on an early morning group date. The girls complain about how they smell. Catherine says she's low maintenance and just needs to pee and then is ready to go. Lindsay talks about how she hasn't shaved her armpits in awhile. This is such an awesome show.
Sean and the girls jump into yet another Jeep and drive out to the farthest point east in the United States so that they can be the first to see the sunrise. I was hoping there would be a few fishermen out by them who heard Sean say this because it would have been awesome if said fisherman waited until the last second and then jumped in front of them and said, "Now we're the first ones to see the sunrise! Suck it, you blue eyed smiley freak!"
Anyway, the girls pretend that this was Sean's idea and talk about how great Sean is for coming up with it. They all celebrate the sunrise by drinking orange juice out of champagne glasses and Desiree complains about having to share watching it with her boyfriend and his other 2 girlfriends. Sean then said they're going to drive around the island and explore on their way to the other side so they can see the sunset.
Sean and his 3 girlfriends drive to various landmarks on the island and it's super boring. They stop at various places and comment about how great this road trip is. They go to a tree house in the middle of the jungle and pretend to be Tarzans and I regret my TV being able to have sound. Then Sean and Desiree (or Dez) go to some vines and Dez ties Sean's hands together. The other two girls complain because their boyfriend is hanging out with another girl and it's not fair. I hate this show.
They finally make it to the other side of the island and hang out on the beach. Sean decides it's time to let loose some abs, so he suggest they all go swimming. They take off their clothes and jump in the water.
Lindsay and Sean sit on the beach and talk. Sean tells her that she was crazy for wearing a wedding dress the first night and she laughs because she'll do anything to make him happy so he keeps her on the show. He then says that on the first night, he wasn't sure if he should keep her because she was wearing a friggin' wedding dress, but he knows he made the right choice by doing so and then they make out. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities of this show.
Sean then throws her aside and takes Catherine to talk. To fill her "Traumatic Experience Reveal" clause, Catherine talks about how her dad won't be there if Sean comes to visit her family next week. The music gets super sad as she talks about how her dad is fighting depression and she barely talks to him. Sean thanks her for telling him about her depressed father and then they see a dolphin in the water. I don't know whether it's the depressed father story or the dolphin, but it puts both of them in the mood and they make out.
Finally, Sean takes Dez to be alone and talk. Sean asks her about her family and she starts to cry for no reason. Realizing this is her last chance to show emotion before someone is given the rose, she then tells Sean and the rest of us how important her family is to her. She then talks about how great her parents love is and how bad she wants that. I pause to ponder if Desiree's parents found true love by going on a scripted dating show where her father dated multiple women at the same time. Just kidding, I just needed some relief from her crying for no reason.
Sean then takes out the rose and gives it to Lindsay. The other two girls pretend to be happy that their boyfriend likes another girl more than them and then they all go out to watch the sunset.
Lesley M gets the final 1 on 1 date. She talks about how she's known him for so long (or, you know, 6 weeks) and she still gets nervous when she sees him. I can relate, I get similarly nervous when I see chocolate peanut butter pie that's 6 weeks old, because I don't know if it's still good or not. Or the commercial with Natalie Portman in it. That's a good time for me.
Sean tells Lesley that they're going to go and pick fruit. Lesley produces more cliches in 10 seconds than Jason Pominville. She refers to Mount Washington as "gorgeous" and says "It's like Sean and I have our own private garden. It's a dream come true. It's amazing." Sean then tells her that they're mangos in the garden and she is shocked for no reason.
Lesley them talks about how she's watched this show in the past and thought the girls were fools for saying "I love you". But since she was able to get onto the show and has this shallow chance at fame, she proceeds to say how the girls aren't fools and she understands where they're coming from because she feels the same.
They sit down to have a picnic and Lesley literally says literally like literally like 14 times when she literally is like talking literally about her family and how literally great Sean will literally fit right in with them. Literally.
She then says she wants to tell Sean she is falling in love with him, but couldn't tell him today because it didn't feel right. She's a goner.
Sean complains about how he and Lesley haven't made out enough so far on the date. Lesley tells him that her expectations have been exceeded so far on the date even though they haven't done anything but walk and talk. Sean has the clear look of "why don't you stop talking and let's make out" on his face. Lesley better get the message or he's going to put her on the fast track to state fair saleswoman. She looks like a skeleton.
Lesley then talks about how she wants Sean to meet her family and it'll be a slap in the face if he doesn't want to. Which makes sense because it's not a slap in the face that her boyfriend is dating 4 other women.
The next day, Sean is pacing around on yet another dock in another button down shirt and shorts. There's so much dock walking that I feel the need to go to the beach and walk on one by myself too. He then acts surprised when his sister Shay shows up and then talks about how she's the one who signed him up for the show. Because this is a great way to find everlasting love. They sit down and drink alcohol and talk and the conversation is super scripted. Shay says she just wants her brother to make sure that he picks the right one because some Bachelors in the past have picked the wrong one and the marriage hasn't worked out. Which, based on my calculations is every Bachelor, but whatever.
Back at the resort, the producers put Tierra and AshLEE in a room so that they can fight, but make sure the cameras are there to see. Tierra talks about how Sean acted distant on their date and how she believes that AshLEE is trying to sabotage her relationship with their mutual boyfriend.
Tierra then says "Men love me" which I'm sure is something Sean will want to hear later. Tierra then walks away but the producers throw her back into the bedroom with AshLEE and the rest of the girls so they can fight some more. The fighting is incredibly annoying and incoherent. They both just talk over each other while Lesley and Catherine watch. Tierra then goes into a rant about how she can't control her eyebrow. I lol'd a ton and then high fived my cat because she mentioned it.
Back from break, the girls are still fighting. Tierra yells about how great of a person she is and the rest of the girls are jerks. Sean then shows up and all of the girls smile and pretend like nothing has happened. Sean goes to Tierra's room and she is crying. She whines to him about how she thinks that AshLEE stabotaged their date. Super dramatic music plays as Tierra confesses to Sean about how sad she is. Sean tells her he knows that she cares and then Sean goes outside to think.
When he comes back in, Sean tells her how much he cares about her and then he dumps her. She apologizes for being so dramatic and then he walks her out. She gets in the car that is conveniently waiting for this random dumping, and she whines more about how the girls sabotaged her relationship. When the car drives away, we see a bunch of producers hanging out in front of the resort so they can give Tierra her last paycheck before they send her on her way. Sean goes back to his sister he dumped her and she congratulates him for dodging the psychopath.
The other girls get together to complain about and mock Tierra some more. You know, Tierra is a horribly shallow idiot with a messed up eyebrow, but for girls who claim they're super nice and super understanding, they sure do enjoy complaining a lot.
Sean shows up and tells the rest of the girls about Tierra leaving and then tells them he doesn't want a dramatic girl for a wife. AshLEE talks about how he looked at her when he said this, and now she's worried. The producers decide to play some quiet piano music as the girls talk about how AshLEE may have screwed things up. the producers are heard saying, "you're damn right you did!"
Next is the Rose Ceremony. AshLEE is already crying and being dramatic because she's worried that Sean thinks she's dramatic. I hate this show.
Sean dumps Lesley and I'm sure she's really happy they're in the books for longest kiss on camera. Lesley then cries to the camera and says rejection is a horrible thing. Catherine, who got rose cries and complains about getting a rose because....I don't know. Whatever. I'm done.
