So much drama, so many tears. So much hatred for Tierra. It's the Bachelor.
This week didn't start out with Sean working out and flexing his abs. Instead, ABC rolls out Harrison in a crisp purple shirt. He explains that Sean believes his future 5 month wife is in the room. Just like every Bachelor before him, Sean knows that 1 of his 16 girlfriends is the one.
Harrison leaves the date card and a bunch of girls smile. But before they can read it, we're treated with some abs. Sean isn't working out, but walking around in nothing but boxer briefs. It's getting really hard to find new material with this show. Welcome to The Bachelor, folks.
The date card gets read and Selma gets to go on the first date. She remarks how excited she is by saying, "I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level and then the next level and then...babies." Yep.
The other girls get mad but try to fake being positive. Leslie let's the tears flow as super sad music plays. She says she just wants to show Sean she's here for the right reasons. Which are furthering her 15 minutes of fame into a midnight poker show on ESPN. (She's a poker dealer. Don't hate. That's a reasonable guess.)
Sean picks up Selma in a limo. We're well into this season and the helicopter count is only at 1 so far and it's about to remain that way for the time being. ABC steps it up a notch by not flying the two by helicopter, but rather by private jet. Selma acts like it was Sean who rented this plane. We're 5 minutes in and I already threw my remote against the wall.
The plane finally lands in the middle of the desert and Selma passively claims that Sean is stereotyping her. She says, "I got the limo. I got the plane. And now...he took the Iraqi to the desert." She then complains about how she hates the heat and whines that she's in the desert some more.
Sean then puts on his sweet sunglasses and they hop into yet another Jeep. He takes her to Joshua Tree park. I looked up where this is because I have never heard of the place. It's in California. I don't know why they couldn't take a helicopter here. It would've saved ABC a lot of money.
They walk through the desert and Sean remarks that there are snakes around. Selma whines more about the heat and says she's starting to get "puffy". Sean then tells Selma he wants to take her up on a giant rock to get a better view. Keeping with the theme of the show, Selma asks/hopes they're taking a helicopter to the top but Sean tells her they're going to rock climb up. She looks up and complains more, but this time it's about how she hates heights. All she has done so far is complain about stuff on this date. She should've known better than to reveal to the producers that she hates heights during the audition. Of course they were going to and you know where I'm going with this.
Sean says he knows that Selma is going to have trouble with the climb. And, if need be, he'll strap her to his back and carry her up there. I really hope he attempts to do this because it'll probably result in her whining about how he's taking too long or something. Then maybe he'll drop her. I hope it's not high enough for her to fall to her death, just...you know....break a tibia.
Selma complains more about how she's super nervous as she's climbing. She then claims she has some sort of adrenaline rush and Sean somehow encourages her by saying, "this is tougher than it looks, huh?"
Sean then repeatedly asks how she is able to climb up so fast. Lots of swearing happens and they both pant in exhaustion as super dramatic music plays. The rest of it is kind of boring, but once they reach the top Selma claims she could only do it because Sean encouraged her. Whatever.
Sean then tells her how impressed he was with her accomplishment and then says they're going to go and get washed up and go out to dinner. I'm not exactly sure where they wash up in the middle of the desert because it shows them in changed clothes and not sweaty. Maybe they had a bunch of interns throw bottled water on them.
Sean takes her down a dirt road and there is no light. They go into a trailer park that looks like it was designed by a 14 year old girl. There is a bunch of trailer homes that have hot pink paint and leopard printed couches in them. Then they go and sit on a bed in the middle of the trailer park and talk. I was hoping a no-toothed, John Deere mesh hat wearing, Nascar fanatic was going to emerge out of one of the trailers and take a piss in the pool right next to them. But it never happens.
Selma talks about how she grew up in a very strict home where they weren't allowed to do much. She talks about how she wasn't even able to date. I'm sure her parents were so happy to hear how she was going on a show to date a guy with 25 other girlfriends. She then talks about how her mom would "die" if she was seen on national television kissing a dude. They end up not making out and Sean gets kind of creepy when he tries to convince her to allow him to kiss her. He's rubbing her arm a lot. He then complains about how he wants to kiss her, but can't. He gives her the rose even though. I'm convinced her days on this show are numbered. Why? Because when it comes to the overnight dates and the heavy petting, it's going to be a problem that he can't do the no pants dance.
Next is the group date. The girls chosen for the group date get into a limo and drink orange juice spiked with vodka because it's early in the morning. Lindsay says she thinks they're going to be hamsters for a day...or something. The girls walk into a warehouse and get told that they're going to be participating in a roller derby bout. Amanda, the weird girl who didn't speak a lot, totally uses a strategy that Vince Lombardi would shit his pants over. When asked if she's ever done roller derby before she say yes, and then reveals to the camera she never did, but said yes to psyche the other team out. It's a super clever move and I'm sure she'll see how effective it was when she gets hip checked and flips over a rail to the hardwood floor.
We're then treated to a series of shots of girls who fall while trying to roller skate. One Armed Girl cries because she realizes that this is going to be problem for her. AshLEE tries to assure her that she can do it. Sean then comes over and tells her he knows that she can do it, and she says that it gave her the right motivation to do so.
Amanda continues her psychotic ways by randomly laughing and giving evil looks. She says she's proud of freaking out the other team and then she finds a dead rat and bites it's head of. Not really, but I'm sure it crossed her mind.
Then out of nowhere, Amanda falls and hits her chin on the floor. This isn't shown on the camera. Sean, quick to console her, comes over and asks the girl who's holding her chin, "Where does it hurt?" She eventually goes to the hospital and Sean tells the rest of the girls they're not going to do roller derby anymore, but rather just skate around while 80's music plays. It's kind of a disappointment. ABC lied to me when they showed the girls playing roller derby in the teaser to start the show. I scissor kicked my wall.
They group then get dressed up and start to drink alcohol. They reminisce about their day and Sean pulls One Armed Girl aside to talk. The rest of the girls continue to drink and tension rises as Tierra complains about not being with Sean. Amanda comes back and she and Sean go in front of a picnic table on fire. Amanda says she's going to use the sympathy card for this conversation and the Sean kisses her on her chin. She then says she wishes she injured her tonsils so she could lick his face or something. I don't know what's going on anymore. Thanks for reading this far.
Leslie H finally can finally stop crying as she gets to go on the second 1 on 1 date. She's given a pair of earrings and it would have been awesome if she just rook them and left, completely back firing the producer's plan. But she didn't.
Back to the group date (you following me camera guy!?) Tierra and Robyn start to get into an alcohol induced argument. The rest of the girls disperse and Tierra whines about Robyn being immature to One Armed Girl. She then gets up and walks away from the group and says she wants to leave. She then goes and searches for Sean who is too busy making out with another one of his girlfriends.
She then has a nervous breakdown on camera and snorts while she talks. Conveniently, she's right at the door where Sean is walking out to the pool. She takes him aside and whines about how she deserves better than dating a guy who has 15 other girlfriends. Sean tells her he knows what she's going through and then walks back to the group and grabs the rose because the producers told him to. The rest of the girls drop their jaws in shock. I scream at my TV "SEAN! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD SEES!? COME ON!"
Leslie H has a giant mouth. I think I mentioned that in a previous review, but she really does. She dismisses all perception of her being shallow by saying she would rather have Sean for the rest of her life than the diamond earring ABC gave her. When they walk outside, Leslie let's out a "URHMAHGAWD!" that sounds like a seal in labor when she sees they're going to be driving in a sports car.
Sean parks on the side of the street with red paint on it. I'm pretty sure he parked in the fire truck zone. I hope a fire truck comes along and they have to ram his car to get the spot.
He tells Leslie they're going to go shopping for some clothes and she pretends like it's Sean funding the trip. They go into a store that is shut down just for them. Leslie tries on a bunch of dresses and then tries on shoes. They dance in the middle of the store and Leslie says, "Sean is a blond hair, blue eyed Richard Gere. And I am a tan Julia Roberts." If this is the way to win over a girl, my new pick up line is going to be "Hey, I'm a not shitty Tom Cruise. Want to go on a eat?" Chicks will be falling head over heard for me.
Then they go to a jewelry shop and super happy music plays as Leslie tries on a necklace that probably costs more than most countries. Leslie says for the 14 millionth time that she's in a fairytale. She then says she can't believe that Sean would be willing to buy all of this stuff for her. This girl is getting annoying.
Then they go to a giant building to eat dinner, but they're never really shown eating. Leslie H talks about her past relationships and the conversation is really boring. Sean talks about how great Leslie H is and then talks about how he can't see himself with her. It makes sense. Shattering some one's dreams is what all of The Bachelor is about.
They walk outside and Leslie H looks super mad. She gets into the limo Sean walks back in and some random musicians start to play a break up song, which makes sense when you know this show isn't scripted and in no way was this planned.
Next is the cocktail party. First, Sean takes AshLEE aside and tells her that even when he's not with her and making out with one of his 16 girlfriends, he's still thinking about her. Then they make out.
Robyn then gets time with Sean and asks him if he wants to try chocolate. I lol'd because she didn't mean the chocolate that she was holding, she meant she wanted to suck face with him.
There is absolutely no reason to watch this show.
Tierra walks back in the room and complains to Amanda while she has a metal cast on her finger. She then takes Robyn and Jacquie aside so she can fake apologize to them. Her brilliant way of apologizing for the way she acted on the group date is by saying, "You attacked me" to Robyn. Robyn gets mad and fires back by saying, "you acted like I don't even exist when I try to talk to you." As you can tell, the Full House sentimental moment of embracing each other is going very well.
Sean then takes Tierra to talk and the rest of the girls get together to complain about her. Sean tells Tierra that she's insecure and she tells him he's wrong. He then says to the camera that her telling him that he's wrong is a great way for him to know she's a good person and he wants to get to know her more.
Catherine gets to talk to Sean next and Sean pulls an index card from her legging. I was hoping it was an flash card like I use to make back in 5th grade for tests, but it's just a lip stick kiss. Catherine then asks Sean to go for a walk so the rest of the girls can't steal him from her. They walk out to the front of the house and talk about how comfortable they are with each other, but the conversation seems forced and really awkward. Then they make out and there's tons of slurping. I wish I had a Slurpee right now. Blueberry is the best, but I'm a big fan of mixing flavors.
At the Rose Ceremony, Sean gives a dumb speech. It's kind of boring so I remember I need to get socks out of the dryer. When I come back he's still talking. Sean is long winded. I'm just ready for this episode to be over.
Amanda gets dumped by Sean. She says she didn't expect to get dumped this quick and then starts to cry. My guess is that she probably should've not acted like such a psycho in her short time here.
The previews for next week are an absolute horror. ABC decides they hate all mankind by revealing that there will be TWO episodes of this show next week, two night in a row. Also, Tierra apparently freezes or something. Or she's crazy. I think she's crazy.
During the credits, Sean does a great endorsement for Jeep by failing to get their vehicle going. He swears everytime the car stalls. Selma then says, "your brakes are on!" Sean says right in the camera, "don't tell anyone."
Yep. See you for two episodes next week. I hate everything.
