What better way to celebrate a Sabres 2-1 victory over the Maple Leafs than to make another wonderful entry about the worse show on television? As you can see, I set my standards of happiness very, very low in life.
THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR YET! I don't know if you remember that, but I do.
Once again, this week's episode starts off with tons of Sean working out without a shirt on. Sweaty abs-a-plenty. This weeks dose of Sean working out wasn't nearly as long as last week's. I noticed he's wearing the same shorts as last week, so I'm pretty sure they just used extra footage from it.
We're also reminded someone is going to get taken away on a stretcher tonight.
After sweaty abs, we go to the house where Harrison re-explains the rules of the scripted dumpster fire of a show. One fake 1 on 1 date, a date where a bunch of women try to make out with Sean within minutes of each other, then another fake 1 on 1 date.Harrison then leaves the date card. Robyn, the one who is questioning of the blonde haired, blue eyed Sean likes black women starts out the quotes strong by saying, "I hope that the date card says, 'Robyn, let's ditch these bitches and go find love for real."
Needless to say, I hate my life right now.
Lesley M gets the first 1 on 1 date and wears a doily for clothing. Sean takes The Doily to The Guiness World Records Museum where Sean reveals that his dad holds the record for driving to each of the 48 states in a record amount of time. If I were Sean, I wouldn't be happy about this. I'd say "Thanks to my dad being a selfish glory hog, I never had a father growing up."
Sean then takes her out to the front of the museum where Harrison and a large group of people stand and cheer. Lesley M says she doesn't know what's going on, but Harrison reveals that they're going to try and break the world record for the longest on screen kiss.
I think Lesley M's odds just went up with winning this. If she doesn't win and Sean picks another girl, I can't imagine how that marriage would go. My guess is it would be something like "Sean, I love you." "Oh baby, I love you too. Hey, remember that I hold a world record with another girl and making out on that show that you were on too?" "We're getting a divorce."
Lesley M talks about how Hollywood is "one of the craziest places in America." I've been to Hollywood, it's really not. It's nothing more than the Walk Of Fame and a bunch of homeless people sitting outside of souvenir shops. Now that I think about it, there are no homeless people on camera throughout this scene. My guess is ABC producers sent out interns to clear the area. Good job getting that on the resume.
They finally start sticking their tongues down each other's throat and the cameraman is entirely too close. The crowd, filled with everything from a guy who looks like Snoop Dog to children sit and watch and root on as we all see tongue. They filmed and showed the 3:16 seconds in it's entirety. I thought the record time would be a lot longer than 3 minutes and 15 seconds, but once they're about a minute into it, the crowd starts to get bored realizing they're on a hideous game show. To break the ice, Harrison asks a woman in the crowd if this is weird and we hear the word "awkward" used at least 14 times in a 10 second sequence. Harrison mentions how Sean "copped a feel" to a blonde woman in the crowd. Harrison is jealous of the tongue wrestling that's going on.
As I said, the cameras never cut away and this starts to get awkward. Even my cat left the room. But eventually they break the record and confetti flies everywhere. Sean mentions how excited he is to see where things go with Lesley. Meanwhile, he will be making out with other women later on in the show.
Later on in the night, they go up on top of the Hotel Roosevelt roof. It is said that Marilyn Monroe's ghost haunts this hotel. Sean and Lesley sit and talk about how Lesley was a nerd in high school and I was hoping that Marilyns ghost would come up and scare her and she fell off the side of the building. I don't wish any harm, I just don't want to watch this anymore.
The conversation starts to get weird and Sean says, "you're one of those people I feel like I've known for years." And, not to be outdone, Lesley says "Oh my Gosh I think that's the greatest compliment you could give me." Nope. Not "hey you have a great personality." or "You are beautiful." Nor "You look like you'll look good when we're on super market tabloid papers in 3 months." Nope, the best compliment he could give her is how he feels like she's someone he could have known since he had a squeaky voice and going through puberty.
Lesley M stumbles and says random words that make no sense with each other. She then basically says she's in love with him after knowing him for a week. Sean tells her to "take control back" and she leans over and they make out while cameramen circle around them. Super happy music plays. Sean ends up giving Lesley M a rose and she calls it the "elephant in the room." Sean really could have won be over by taking offense to this and throwing the rose off of the roof and leaving the building with middle fingers in the air. But instead he gives it to her and they make out some more while more confetti is thrown in the air.
Back at the house, the girls apparently never leave each other's sight. The next date card shows up and 242 girls are going on the group date, including the paid actress Tierra.
The group date starts off with Sean at the beach and in his sweet Ray Bans he watches 2 limos full of women meet up with him. The girls then throw around a football and it wrecks one girl in the face, Sean refers to his nose as a money maker and then strips off his shirt at the delight of the women. Harrison apparently teleports to their location as he just randomly appears in the middle of the group in a pink shirt and khaki pants (he doesn't believe in wearing shorts to the beach.) and he reveals they're going to play some beach volleyball. At first, I got excited because I thought maybe the ambulance comes due to an injury on the volleyball court. But then I remember it's someone laying on the stairs at the house, so my excitement lasts 2 seconds. Anyway,the winning team gets to stay with Sean and get 1 on 1 time with him while the losing team goes back to the house and thus having no time with him. There is high stakes. Why? BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR!
Now, you may think a bunch of women playing volleyball and jumping/diving around for a ball would be kind of a turn on. It's really not. The girls have slightly more volleyball skill than a group of termites. Lots of screaming and every girl mentions "this is about getting more time with Sean" every time they're on camera. . Super dramatic music plays for the final point and the blue team wins.
The red team turns into a sack full of tears because they didn't win. One girl says, "this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me." It's right above getting bitten in half by a shark, having your hair set on fire while inside the tank of a gas truck, and playing Monopoly with extremely competitive people. Then they all pile into a van with no windows and then cry some more.
I'm actually quite shocked the ABC producers didn't have One Arm Girl on this date and playing volleyball. I'm sure they still don't have any souls, but I'm just shocked.
The Blue Team joins Sean back at "his house" and the girls brag about their victory. Then, Lindsay sits with Sean 1 on 1 and lays it on thick by talking about how Sean is psychic or something. She says he knows what she's thinking all the time. Then Lindsay and Sean make out and a super close up of Sean's tongue and lots of slurping. He then tells her he's excited to see where it goes and then sends her off so he can make out with Desiree.
Still, no ambulance and we're half way through this episode.
Desiree tries to explain to him that she's deeper than a girl in a bikini playing volleyball. She doesn't really explain how she's deeper which makes me think she's not deep at all. She just stutters through the conversation and then says she thinks they made a new connection. I hate this show.
The next date card gets read and Tierra pulls a super funny joke by saying Selma was going on the date with AshLEE, even though her name wasn't on there. The One Armed Girl takes offense to that and Tierra says it was just a joke. I don't know what's wrong with One Armed Girl, I lol'd.
Amanda, the crazy one who didn't talk at all last week, takes Sean aside and tells him that she is right for him and they will have fun if they get married. She then tells the guy who is currently dating 16 other women that she knows they're right for each other.
Back in the group, Desiree talks about how fake Amanda is. She calls her "dark and creepy". When Amanda gets back to the group, Desiree and her take verbal jabs at each other and Squeaky Kacie B looks worried. She decides to take Sean aside to tell him what's going on and in no way is this her way of trying to get a couple women off of the show.
They go to the middle of space (no joke, they look like they're in outer space because there is nothing around them) and Kacie B tells Sean that Desiree and Amanda hate each other. Sean calls Kacie B out for being the one that comes to tell him about this. Kacie B. then tells him she's not a "drama person" yet she's throwing a gas can of drama on the situation fire. Sean then calls her a crazy person and basically tells her to stop talking. Kacie B talks about how she's afraid that Sean thinks she's crazy because he called her crazy and I can't take this anymore.
When they get back to the group, Sean gives the rose to Lindsay and Kacie B. cries. She then says, "I'm not suppose to cry this early."
Ambulance count still at 0.
Broken neck count still at 0.
AshLEE prepares for her date with Sean and says this is the moment she's been waiting for. She says "everything that I crave for and everything I want, I think it's happening." Everything she's ever wanted was to date a guy who is dating 16 other women at the same time. Not to mention has already made out with 3 of them.
She then continues her quote-fest by saying, "Honestly, nothing can or will go wrong today." She does not know the ABC producers capabilities at all.
Out of nowhere, Tierra falls down a flight of stairs. A handful of girls pretend to be concerned. Sean walks into the house and looks at Tierra and says, "You ok?"
DUN DUH DUN DUH! FINALLY WE GET EMERGENCY MEDICAL PEOPLE! Although it's not an ambulance, it's actually a firetruck and the camera is sure to be outside to see it pull into the driveway. My guess is someone called 911 and the emergency responders said, "that's the house that they're filming The Bachelor at?" and just assumed one of the girls set another girl on fire.
AshLEE shows how full of heart and compassion she is by talking about how made she is that this is happening when she's suppose to be making out with Sean. Meanwhile, Tierra tries to fight with the paramedics by telling them she doesn't want to go to the hospital. AshLEE calls out Tierra for faking the injury and gets mad because Sean talks to Tierra and not AshLEE.
Sean tells Tierra he's happy they got the time together and she looks like she's totally fine. Sean tells her she should fall down the stairs more often. For once I agree with Sean because the more times she does this, the more likely I will be able to see her fall down the stairs.
After the MOST CONTROVERSIAL SEGMENT OF THE BACHELOR EVER is done. Sean and AshLEE jump into a jeep and Sean has sweet sunglasses on again. They walk into Six Flags Magic Mountain which has been shut down and just for them for the day. AshLEE pretend she's excited to potentially puke on roller coasters.
Sean talks about how he's big on charity and wants to know if AshLEE is big on charity too. He tells her it's selfish for them to have the big theme park all to themselves and AshLEE says "...ok...", knowing she's going to have to share Sean again.
Sean and Tierra hang out with 2 chronically ill children in the theme park. AshLEE manages to dance around complaining that she has to share by telling us how sweet Sean is for wanting to do this for these kids and this was in no way planned by ABC.
The 2 girls are shown going on various rides with Sean and AshLEE and they genuinely look like they're happy and having a good time.
Sean takes them to another staple Bachelor move by taking the 3 girls to a private concert of his favorite band, The Eli Young Band. I have never heard of the Eli Young band, but my guess is this is ABC's shameless endorsement and these guys will be on Jimmie Kimmel soon.
After the concert, AshLEE finally gets Sean alone and then tells us how happy she is that they're finally alone. AshLEE talks about how many kids she wants and then reveals to Sean she was adopted and was abused in one of her foster families. Nothing like using your tragic past as a bargaining chip on a scripted game show.
Seans eyes start to well up as she continues talking about her family. Sean praises AshLEE by saying, "When you meet AshLEE, you would automatically assume she must have had a wonderful childhood, and she didn't. She hasn't let any of that effect her negatively. And it just makes me admire her even more." He has so much admiration for her, he's going to make out with other women tomorrow.
He end up giving her the rose and The Eli Young Band magically appear behind them. They get up and dance. I still can't wrap my head around how awkward this has to be for these bands. Here they are playing songs they worked for months on, to come onto this show and play it for 2 people who make out the entire time. All the while, camera don't even pay attention to them. They just film the lip sucking. AshLEE then cries and talks about how bad she wants "this".
We're back at the house and (not surprisingly) all of the girls are in the same room. Sean shows up in a suit and the rest of the girls are all dressed in their Sunday's Best. It's time for alcohol to get consumed.
One Armed Girl and Sean go to the front of the house where a limo pulls up. One Armed Girl thinks that Sean is sending her home and then she dances around like a kid who has to pee but refuses to tell mom she has to. Sean tells us that he has a surprise for her.
Sean opens the door and One Armed Girl's dog, Leo, is sitting in the limo. ABC actually rented a limo for a dog. Sean giggles like a school girl and then runs around with the dog. He then hugs One Armed Girl and she tells him how happy she is that he invited her dog...in a limo. He then ditches her to go and talk to Tierra.
Tierra tells Sean her back hurts and her right eyebrow is way higher than the left. She then complains to him about how she hasn't spent more than 5 minutes with him. Desiree then comes to take Sean away and Tierra mentions physically abusing a wall. Tierra then goes back to Desiree and Sean and takes him away again.
The rest of the girls whine more about how Tierra is getting all sorts of time with him. So each of them take turns stealing him from the previous girl. I lose track of who has him when because they're all getting vicious and impatient. Who the hell is Jackie? I don't remember her. I think this is the first time she's been on camera. Kacie B talks about how she wants to just move on from him calling her crazy. Other girls come and interrupt and Kacie B complains. There's been so much complaining in the past few minutes. I've given up on this episode.
Side note: I have a pot of chili that has been cooking and is basically done. I just walked in and switched it to "Warm" and refuse to eat while watching this show. I don't want to associate chili, the greatest invention in the history of mankind, with this show. I only have 13 minutes of chili smelling torture left.
Finally we've come to the Rose Ceremony. Sean comes in and gives them all a speech about how happy he is for dating 16 women at once. He then asks Kacie B, who looks like she's wearing a scuba wet suit, to walk away from the group and have a private chat with him. Sean tells her that he thinks that they're just friends and nothing more. Kacie B gives him an awkward hug and gets into a limo. I'm so happy he decided not to dump her in front of all of the other girls and single her out for the cameras in the name of "respecting their friendship."
Sean then goes in and dumps more of the girls. A sad piano plays as Taryn cries about how she never had a chance to make a connection with him. Kristy cries uncontrollably because she got dumped and thinks she'll never find love.
This show is so incredibly awful.
Next week's preview shows Tierra having some sort of breakdown. For any other woman on this show, it would mean that they go home, but Tierra is the paid actress. So this only means that she's getting a raise for doing a good job.
Thank God this is over. Time for chili.
