The only thing you need to take from what you're about to read is that you only need to have 2 things to be on this show. Some sort of emotional flaw, or a physical disability.....or just be absolutely insane.
ABC gets right to the point in tonight's episode by showing the obligatory abs sequence within the first 2 minutes. Tons of Sean's abs as he works out and we're even given a long sequence of him showering. Sean talks about how he knows that his future 6-month wife was in that room last night.
Next we go back to the house and all of the women sitting in one room. Harrison emerges and I think this is the first time I've noticed him not wearing a suit. Harrison tells the girls he believes that Sean will get down on one knee at the end and propose to one of the girls. Tons of smiles as the girls act like they're in love with the man they've known for 2 minutes. Harrison leaves the first date card and tells the girls that they can wrestle over it. I was kind of hoping that they would. I was hoping to see someone get up to grab it and another shameless woman does a flying leap across the table to administer an elbow to her mouth causing teeth to go down her throat. I was not happy when this didn't happen.
The date card gets read and Sarah, the girl with one arm, is lucky number 1. A few of the girls pretend they're happy for her and screech in excitement while others whine because they were not chosen.
A HELICOPTER HAS ARRIVED! We're in season 15 or whatever of this show, but the girls act surprised that a helicopter comes to pick up Sarah. Dust flies all around and presumably into the girls eyes and mouths as the helicopter lands. Kacie B. who has been on this show before and I'm pretty sure has been in a helicopter before on the show, acts shocked that a helicopter is picking Sarah up.
I'm so glad you've read this far.
Sean walks out and grabs Sarah and brings her into the helicopter. The girls pretend like it was Shawn who rented a helicopter and picked them up and in no way was this set up by ABC. Sean is so romantic when he's told what he's suppose to do.
Back from break, Sarah continues to talk about how happy she is and how she's already starting to fall in love with Shawn right in the helicopter. They land on top of a sky scraper where Sean tells Sarah that the only way for them to get to know one another is to attempt to defy death. He tells her that there is a champagne toast at ground level, 300 feet below where they currently stand. And rather than take a nice long elevator ride a nice long walk down a bunch of flight of stairs where they can get to know one another, Sean tells her that they must risk death by jumping off of the building. Sarah tells us that she wants to look courageous for Sean. Because the only way that a one armed person could ever do this is to partake in an event that is risky, and then make it even more risky by having that person be limited.
Way to go,. ABC.
Sarah relates this situation in the typical Bachelor fashion by referring this to "taking the plunge together." Hitting on all marks, she reluctantly climbs up onto the platform. Sarah says "Oh my Gosh" at least 15 thousand times. They count down and jump. Sean does his best Ric Flair impression by shouting "WOOO!" 15 times. Tons of dramatic music plays as they reach the ground; all 3 arms intact.
Tasteless joke quota filled.
Sarah says that them achieving victory on this jump was only due to Sean giving her confidence that she could do it. Even though he didn't really tell her anything more than they're doing it. Cut to break.
Back from break, Sean and Sarah share a toast to their rather pointless achievement. Sarah tells Sean a story about how when she was in Vegas with her family and she wanted to go zip-lining, but was denied because she only has 1 arm. She then says she was humiliated after that and her father (who isn't dead, no dead father's revealed just yet) told her she needs to find a strong guy who will stand by her side in times like that. She then says it was very special to her that Sean believed that she could do the free fall thing, even though it didn't require them to do anything by fall and scream, but somehow she pulls it off. She's kind of coming off as she's using this as a bargaining chip. Sean is impressed.
Back at the house, the second date card arrives. This time it will be a group date. Kristy, Amanda (who I just realized looks like Blossom from that show with Joey Lawrence....pre-Dancing With The Stars bald head.), Lesley and "Em", Kathryn, and Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Tarayn, Kacie, and Tierra. That's 12 girls. Good lord.
I don't remember "Em" from the first episode, so I tried to pause to see if I recognize her. This is where I paused it:
would.
That is my new favorite picture of all time.
Back to Sarah and Sean's date, Sean hands Sarah a rose. Sean and Sarah make out while Sarah says she loves him already.
The girls for the group date jump into a limo and toast each other with orange juice. I'm pretty sure they might be screwdrivers because they would never let someone be sober on this show for more than 1 hour. The limo pulls up to a giant mansion and Sean walks out onto the giant porch to greet the girls. They all say it's like he's a prince charming coming out of the castle. I was actually hoping we'd find people covered in horse feces, piling up mud like in Monty Python, but I was disappointed.
Sean takes them inside where he reveals to them that they're going to do a photo shoot, with one women getting to be on the cover of Harlequin books...or something. In no way is it a coincidence that the paid actress (who is also a model) is on this date and says she's so excited because this is her calling card.
Finally they start to take pictures. When it's Lesley's turn, the photographer has the genius idea of having them kiss for a picture. Some of the other girls start to get offended as if this wasn't in any way inevitable. When it's all said and done, the paid actress Kristy wins being on the cover. Didn't see that one coming.
Later on in the night, Sean decides to have the girls drink alcohol by a pool. Lesley is the first to be able to have a 1 on 1 chat with Sean where he asks her the dumbest question to date on this show. He asks her why she's here and (SHOCKINGLY) she tells him that she's there for love. Then Sean complains about how he wants to kiss Lesley, but every time he wants to, she changes the subject. Their conversation gets super awkward and Lesley complains about how Sean didn't kiss her. He then tells her that they need to go back to the group. Walking back. Lesley then stops him and they start to make out. It's still awkward afterward, but Lesley believes the rose is hers.
Sweet Jesus, Kacie B. now gets to talk to Sean 1 on 1. She tells him that they hung out a few times, and she developed a crush on him. Even though she knew she loved Ben. Kacie B. rambling on and squeaks a lot. Sean calls Kacie one of his "girlfriends". Kacie B then puts him on the spot by asking him if there is anything mutually between them and he says that he doesn't know her that well, but wants to get to know her. she then rambles on about how she wants to have the rose and then lets out an evil laugh.
Thank you for reading this far.
Sean then takes one of the girls who I don't know the name of, out onto the porch where she tells Sean, "I'm vegan, but I love the beef." At first Sean doesn't get it, and then he realizes she's clearly talking about the man downstairs if you will. She then continues on about how happy she is that she can talk to someone who is genuinely happy...apparently about his pride on the south side.
If every woman were as shallow and so thin in personality as this, life would be a lot easier for many of us.
Sean then takes Tierra and her plastic face aside to ask her why she's been so quiet on the date. She tells him that she's just there for him and not to make friends, and her eyebrows never move. She says it's weird that she has to compete with 25 other women on a game show that she applied to be on, for his affection. Once again revealing who the shows idiot is.
Katie as a giant mane of hair. She starts to complain about being on a show to compete with other women for one guys love. She then goes to talk to Sean and tells him that she needs to go home. The other girls rationalize her decision to leave and claim they are all sympathetic to her decision. The sympathy is so incredibly fake, I laugh on the inside.
Desiree, the wedding dress woman, is chosen for the second 1 on 1 date. Sean talks with Harrison who tells him that they're going to play sort of a candid camera joke on Desiree for the date. The plan is that Desiree is going to go into a museum and a million dollar piece of art is going to fall and break and she will be blamed for it. I'm not exactly sure how this helps them find if there is going to be love between the two of them, but apparently seeing if she shits her pants on camera means she might be "the one".
Desiree and Sean are taken into a private room in the museum where they see the fake art that's about to break. Sean says he is pulled away by a producer so it's just an actress pretending to be an art director and Desiree in the room. Not once does it occur to Desiree that Sean randomly left without telling her where he was going. The actress eventually leaves, leaving Desiree alone in the room. Harrison and Sean talk about how evil this plan is and how it might make her mad at him, yet they continue to laugh and enjoy how evil they are.
Another random actor and a guy who is pretending to be the artist that made the piece come in and accuse Desiree of breaking the artwork. Before anyone can start throwing shards of glass at her, Sean swoops in and makes a stupid remark about how he's always going to stand by her side in any situation. He then reveals to her that it's all a set up and they're actors. I lol'd a ton with everyone. In fact, I rewound it 13.5 times just because the prank was so good.
Sean then asks Desiree to come back to "his place" and have dinner. Back at "his house", Sean offers her a steak. I wish I had a steak right now. I wish I wasn't watching this and that I was eating a delicious steak right now. It's too late to go and get a steak, but I wish it wasn't too late so I could stop watching this and go and get a steak.
Their conversation is about their parents and how much it sounds like their parents are the same. The conversation is super boring. Then, they both get into their bathing suits and continue to talk about love and all that bullshit. You can tell they both are just trying to get to the point where they rub up on one another.
Sean tells her that she's seen the real him on this date and no other girl has seen him. Apparently the real him is setting up people to shit their pants while he watches from another room.
Sean is a douche.
Desiree is offered a rose which she accepts and then they rub up on one another in a hot tub while super dramatic music plays in the background.
Lindsay, the moron who wore a wedding dress last episode, pulls Sean aside to tell him how much of an idiot she was for wearing a wedding dress. She kind of looks like a stripper. She tells Sean that her father is a general in the army and it's "CRAAZYY COOL!" I really hope that she stays around for the meet the parents episode and her dad makes Sean run 10 miles through the mud and then do 200 push ups.
There will be a ton of abs in that episode.
The group of women in the house sit around and talk. Amanda sits by herself and doesn't talk. The other girls try to ask her opinion on Sean, but she gives them all the silent treatment. I regain my confidence that there will be a cat fight this season, but it doesn't happen yet. I'm keeping the faith, people!
Super dramatic music starts as Amanda walks away from the group. The rest of the girls talk about how weird Amanda is. Robyn then asks Sean if he likes black women. He tells her that he doesn't have a specific physical type. She helps him get out of the awkward conversation by saying to him "you have wonderful arms."
I hate everything about this show.
More gossiping with how weird Amanda is. She looks like she's on some sort of hallucinogen. I swear she seeing ninjas taking their bottles of booze. After the mood is set with the Amanda bashing, the producers tell Sean to go and talk to Amanda. Amanda, who is as still as a defective robot, gets activated by his presence. They don't really show how long they talk, but I'm sure she told him about how the movie Independence Day was "just the beginning of her attempts at taking over the world."
Finally we make it to the rose ceremony. All of the women and their fake tan happiness look tense as slowly Sean goes one by one with handing out roses. I'm so glad this guy stopped breaking the rules by handing out roses throughout the show. Handing them out at the rose ceremony is so much more dramatic and awesome.
Not really.
With the final rose, ABC tells Sean to give it to Amanda, the weirdo. Desiree shakes her head in displeasure. The two girls who got kicked off are Brooke and some other girl. Brooke talks about how Sean isn't the right guy for her. She then starts to cry because she loved him in 2 minutes. Sean tries to explain to the other girl why it didn't work, but totally stumbles through it. The other girl has a really weird nose. She's gone.
Then, the fake artist actor guy comes into the room and starts throwing ninja stars and everyone breaks their champagne glasses at the stem and stabs the guy to death while Macarena plays in the background.
the end.
Edit: Apparently someone gets put on a stretcher next week. My Cat Fight Foreshadow LIVES!
