Here we are again. Unfortunately the world did not end a few weeks ago and all of us have to be exposed to another season of the worst show on television. The Bachelor.
Sean Lowe is this years perfect toothed man. He looks like he's the brother of Anthony Michael Hall. I don't hate him yet, but his hair is ridiculously well groomed.
We start of this episode and thus this season with Anthony...err...Sean giving us the staple Bachelor lines. "I'm just from a small town." "I am so humbled to be here." "I want to find love." "I hit an old lady while driving a golf cart in the middle of local Dallas bar."
Then we already hit our first product placement (unless you count the sweet Ray Bans). Sean takes out his handy dandy Ipad and talks to a relative who never actually appears on the screen. Just a choppy picture of a child. My guess is that Apple is not to happy with the way their video chat was portrayed.
Sean then continues on about how he was just an average guy who use to work a 9-5 and now he's on a network television show. This guy is firing on all cylinders to get out as many Bachelor cliches he can in the first 10 minutes.
While talking about how he's an average guy, we're quickly exposed to his abs in the obligatory abs shot. Ton of abs, and our friend Sean working out. This man admires his muscles way too much in this shot. I'm feeling uncomfortable.
Next, our perfect teeth continues to talk about how he was heartbroken by Emily. If you don't remember (or don't care) Emily was the Bachelorette and an all around pain in the ass. I don't wish her harm, I was just kind of hoping she'd break her arm while falling off a balcony in Puerto Rico or something.
Next we see Sean on the beach. This time with a shirt on. He watches as another bride and groom are getting married on the same beach and is shown thinking a lot. He then starts to skip rocks over the waves. I was kind of hoping he was going to throw rocks at them in a pit of rage and jealousy.
Sean then takes his shirt back off and climbs a rock while reciting a well scripted by producer's speech about being a rock for a woman.
I just remembered that the Alabama vs. Notre Dame National Title game is on right now. I hate everything about this show.
Back from break, ABC has a contestant, Arie, from Emily's season come and visit Sean. Even though multiple cameras are position throughout the house Sean is at, and he's already mic'd up, Sean acts surprised and talks about how, in no way, he knew Arie was going to show up. They sit there and talk about how they both loved the same woman and both got dumped by the same woman. Then, they practice various thing that are bound to happen between Sean and the girls.
Sean then says he is nervous about having to break up with girls face to face. He says "I can't just stop texting them or talking to them." Sean is kind of a jerk.
Sean and Arie then talk about making out with someone else. Arie points out many things that Sean should do. Unless Sean has been sheltered his whole life, I'm pretty sure he knows how to kiss someone and doesn't need instruction. The abs are definitely a crowd pleaser.
The conversation gets more and more awkward. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable while watching it and start to look around the room for other things to focus on.
Back from break, we're once again exposed to the most overpaid and pointless game show host on television: Chris Harrison. Harrison comes out and explains that this season's Bachelor is READY FOR LOVE. And he FELL IN LOVE last season. This isn't anything new for season Bachelor/Bachelorette fans, but ABC decides the guy needs to start justifying his pay. So they wheeled him out on Q and make him recite his lines. All the while monkeys are defecating on sculpted cheese busts of Harrison's head behind the camera so Chris Harrison is reminded how easily he can be replaced.
Don't over think that one. Just accept it.
Harrison continues to report that Sean "wants to fall in love again, wants to find a wife. And eventually wants to become a father." Imagine that people. He came to a show that has exactly 0% success rate for marriages lasting more than a year.
Next we're introduce to some of the fame seeking women.
First is Desiree who is a wedding dress designer. Desiree is about to tell us how she sees all of these other women getting their dresses and wonders when she's going to find that man, make her own dress and walk down the isle. (If you noticed, I used the phrase "about to tell us" because I paused it and knew exactly what she was going to say.
I was right.
Next is Tierra. Tierra is a seasoned Bachelor watcher. She uses every contestant cliche possible. She talks about how she was heartbroken before and wants not just a husband but a best friend. She also is family oriented. My guess is that if she wins, she's that best friend title is going to be given to the guy who will join her backstage on her future job as a late night infomercial presenter. Then, one of the ABC producers informs her that the next Bachelor is Sean. Tierra let's out an ear piercing scream that Fran Drescher would complain about.
Next is Robyn who is in sales and marketing. Robyn is obsessed with putting Post It notes all over the place with Spanish words on them because she wants to learn Spanish. I hope she gets kicked off and stays single so I can find her. Remember, this girl works for sales and marketing. Yet apparently has no logical skills what so ever.
Next is Diana. Diana owns a hair salon and is a mother of two girls. I'm so sick of this show already. She talks about how she wants to find love and someone that she can truly love for the rest of her life and blah blah blah. She doesn't drop the "i want a father figure in my daughters' lives" just yet. She's saving that card for later.
Next is Sarah who works as a sort of graphic designer. We find out in her intro that she was born with only one arm. ABC producers no doubt will exploit this to the fullest extent for ratings.
Next is Ashley P. Yet another hair dresser. Or stylist or whatever. Ashley P. and has a giant mouth. She starts off great by saying, "I have no idea why I'm still single." She then says it's just her and her cat because all of her friends are married and boring. She's annoying, so no doubt she'll be around for awhile.
Lesley is next, Lesley works at a political consulting firm in Washington DC. She then pisses off everyone in the area by saying she hates nerds and politicians and everyone in the city is in either one of these categories. Good luck trying to get a job after this fame seek is done!
Kristy is a model and definitely the paid actress on the show. She talks about how all of the other girls are going to be jealous and don't stand a chance against her. She then punches things and we watch her work out. I'm really hoping to see some cat fights this season.
Ash-LEE (that's going to be a pain in the ass) is next. She talks about how she was adopted and went through 6 foster homes and never really felt love in her life. She already starts to cry during her intro. So my guess is the producers chose her so that they can get her to fall in love with Sean and then he tells her she needs to go home. The tears will be like Niagara Falls and their drunken laughter will be extra loud.
After another pointless chat with Harrison, Sean stands and waits as the limo full of fame seeking whores rides up. We're gifted with various sound bytes of the women in the car talking about how cute and nervous he is. Sean really does look nervous. It would be awesome if he just said, "I CAN'T DO THIS!" and runs off into the night never to be seen again.
As with last year, I'm not going to talk about every girl that gets out of the car and introduces themselves and tells Sean how they're already in love with him. I know you don't want that and I sure as hell don't want it. I'm just going to mention the memorable (aka idiotic) ones.
One girl (i don't know who and don't care enough to rewind) puts on lipstick and give Sean a kiss on the cheek. The next girl to come out is Selma who takes out a hanker chief from between her breasts that was in no way put there by ABC and wipes away the lipstick.
Daniella decides to introduce herself by doing a handshake that I see in some NFL games. I don't really know what her goal was here, but it seemed like Sean was weirded out by it. She'll be gone tonight.
Next to walk up is Kelly. Kelly has either gone to one too many spray on tan booths or got in a fight at a Cheetos plant. Kelly sings a song that the producers wrote for her. Then her orange forehead reflects moonlight and blinds Sean.
Catherine shows up and she's my early favorite to win a 6 month marriage with Season. Definitely one you should consider if you're in a Bachelor Draft. As she walks up, Sean has an ear to ear goofball smile that shows his perfect teeth.
Robyn fails at trying to do a cart wheel. I hate this show.
Paige lays out a line as dumb and statistically erroneous as an NFL coach. She talks about how she was on The Bachelor Pad and saw that "this process can work." If by work, you mean for a 6 month tabloid marriage followed by a short lived modeling career. Then yes, yes it does.
Tierra gets out of the car and Sean shocks us all by asking Harrison if he can hand out a rose right now. This is breaking the rules so bad. I screamed at my TV, "SEAN! YOU REBEL, YOU!" And then I lol'd a ton.
Tierra then walks into the fake tan infested house and all of the other girls get offended that she's already got a rose. They all hate her under their breath. Tierra is definitely going to be around for awhile to stir up the place with her goody two shoes ways.
Some girl asks Sean to have an awkward silence just to get it out of the way. This is the greatest moment in Bachelor history because no one said anything...for a whole 10 seconds. It was glorious.
More girls come out and I don't pay attention. I checked the score of the Alabama and Notre Dame game. Bama is up 28-0. I'm so glad I'm not watching it in exchange for this garbage.
I come back into hell and notice some girl has handed him a football and tells him to play center and she is the quarterback. Sean then realizes all she was trying to do was check out his buttocks. I lol'd a ton because it was so clever.
Some girl says her Dad is going to break Shawn's legs. A girl shows up in a wedding dress. This show just keeps getting less and less tolerable.
OK, I know that I have said that I hate this show many, many times. But they've reached an all knew low in tolerable level. In the season's first "shocking" turn of events. Kacie B. from Ben's season and her awful, awful southern whiny voice has returned. Kacie B. squeaks when she talks to Sean.
Apparently she's a fan favorite, but was kicked off by Ben because her parents were scary or scary looking or something. I think she should be living under the railroad bridge. I really don't know if I'm going to make it through this whole season with her around.
Screw you, ABC.
Sean walks into the house and tells the girls they're all beautiful. The camera shows lots of spray on tan smiles. Then the alcohol starts to get consumed. Then the one girl with a giant mouth suggest they all scream. I scream along with them and scare the shit out of my cat. But it was worth it. I feel so connected to this show now.
Sean sits down for his first 1 on 1 with Kacie B. He tells her how shocked he was to see her and she tells him she's from Tennesee. Then they both talk about how they met and became friends before this season and where they were both from never came up nor did Sean ever own a computer.
Desiree then talks to Sean and tells him how she really likes him after talking to him for 10 seconds. He then responds by giving her a rose. When she walks back into the house, the other women act shocked and jealous. The cauldron is slowly starting to stir. Tons of dirty looks are shown on camera.
Sean totally throws the Bachelor process overboard by handing out more roses while talking to the women 1 on 1. The fangs definitely are starting to show from all of these soulless women.
Wedding dress girl talks about how it's crazy that she wore a wedding dress there, but yet continues to weird out Sean by talking about how crazy she is. She then asks him to dance and more awkward conversation ensues. Sean then basically tells her that he's not going to give her the rose because he doesn't believe in weird women.
Ashley, the 50 shades of Grey tie Girl, clearly quite visibly drunk starts dancing around the house. She then crashes a conversation between one of the girls and Sean. She then continues to dance, clearly becoming a distraction for their conversation. Guarantee this woman stays around for a good hard run because she's so good at making an idiot of herself and that will drive ratings.
Bama up 42-7.
Finally, we're at the rose ceremony. Although Sean handed out some roses already, he still has a few left to hand out. Sean hands them out and some women look like they're about to crap their pants.
Harrison emerges for those of us who can't count and says there's 1 rose left.
A bunch of girls leave while trying to hold back tears and keep smiles on their faces. Orange faced singing girl gives the world some shallow words of wisdom by saying that you shouldn't bother with trying to find love and you should just love yourself. She then whines about how she doesn't know what he saw in the rest of the girls that he didn't see in her.
All in all, Sean looks clueless all the time. I honestly think he may not quite know where he is at all times of the day.
Get ready for this year because I sure as hell am...not.
I hate this show.
