According to Courtney, It's game on.
In this episode, our train of trousers stains get a paid trip to Vieques Island Puerto Rico. We're first shown Ben on the plane and if memory serves me correctly, this is the first time he didn't mention his dead father. Apparently he and his dead father never went to Puerto Rico.
The girls arrive at their mansion style house where, once again the hack Chris Harrison explains the rules of the game.
It's season 16. This guy needs to be fired.
Chris mentions how Ben has planned out a great set of dates. He's got two 1 on 1's and a group date planned. It's the same for the past 16 seasons. Ben, such a great planner. And, you know, ABC's producers are too.
The date card is written in Spanish and the producers chuckle, knowing fully well none of the girls have an IQ above 75. So ABC decides to tell Emily what the card says and she pretends she can translate. Nicki, who I just realized looks like the guards in the castle in the Wizard Of Oz, talks about how excited she is go to on a date with Ben. This seems to vindicate my theory that all of these girls have the intelectual capacity of the plastic that is know as my space bar.
Ben and Nicki walk around the corner and Nicki screams in excitement when she sees, you guessed it, A HELICOPTER. Just once, I want one of these girls to be so scared when they see a helicopter that they vomit. "OH MY GOD! A HELI-BLAHHHHHHH"
The helicopter drops them off in town where they go for a walk. Suddenly, it starts to down pour. Ben being the suave quick thinker that he is, decides that they should go into a shop and buy some authentic Puerto Rican clothes. Ben chooses an all white outfit and a douchey hat. Nicki says he's "muy caliente". This show is such a fraud.
The two appear to be at some sort of old military base. Nicki makes a dumb comparison about the walls standing the test of time and that's how she wants her relationship with Ben to be like. I'm sure that the soldiers who spent 20 hours a day building this wall hundreds of years ago, built it in hopes one day it would become the metaphor of everlasting love on a fake game show.
They sit at a bench and spy on a wedding taking place at a nearby church. Ben asks Nicki if she thinks they're already married. He then comments on the bride's dress. Because he's had such an in depth discussion about these things, Nicki says she thinks she could marry Ben.
Later on, they sit and chat about Nicki's divorce. That's all they talk about. Chris Harrison told the girls to use their time with Ben wisely and she talked about how much she was in love before and it resulted in divorce. Ben figures that besides talking about a dead relative, it is the next best thing and gives her a rose. Then, they start suckin' face while Nicki and Ben both gave voice overs talking about how she opened up. I can't imagine being an editor on this show. "When should we start the voice over? 3 seconds into them jamming each other's tongues down each other's throats? Sure."
Back at the house, Elyse and Blakeley get into an argument. Blakeley complains about how bad she wants to go on another 1 on 1 date. My word processor hates the name Blakeley. So long that Blakeley is around, If there are any spelling errors in these things, it's because I don't feel like going back and hitting "cancel" in the spell check on every "Blakeley" I type. It's annoying.
Elyse gives her a tall glass of shut the hell up. She says Blakeley already has been on 4 1-on-1 dates and she has only been on one date and it was a group one. Elyse then says each girl should have the opportunity to go on a 1-on-1 date with Ben. She says all of the girls should have the same thing. She's a communist.
But hey, look at it this way, she didn't stand with her mouth open during the conversation.
Ben takes the girls to Roberto Clemente stadium to play some baseball. A local team's coaches are there to show the girls how to do cartwheels, run so that their goods bounce, and how to stick their asses out as they swing a bat. Ben mentions how some girls are really good at baseball and how some suck. Finally some honesty from Ben.
"Today was a lot of fun. I love doing this stuff. And then, Chris Harrison shows up and I'm thinking 'uh oh'." I thought the same thing, Blakeley. You just made me hate your name less.
Chris doesn't hold us in suspense long. He explains to the girls that they're going to be split up into 2 teams and play a game of baseball. The winning team will get to go to beach party with Ben while the rest of the girls go back to the hotel and get hammered. Seeing that there are 9 girls on the group date, one girl is chosen by Ben to play for both teams and thus is guaranteed a spot at the beach party tonight. Ben chooses The Lying Horse Women Who Uses Feces As Make-up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart.
Courtney and Blakeley are chosen as team captains and they draft their players similar how we use to when I was a kid at the playground. The only thing that's different is that these baseball players have breasts.
Ben is the pitcher and they girls hit every ball. I wouldn't call this game baseball so much as just a giant flaming tire fire. The girls act like it's intense. Courtney calls Blakelely a stripper. (Remember this for later in the review.)
The red team ends up winning and Blakeley blames everything on her teammates; stating that they didn't want it bad enough. A helicopter comes to pick the red team up and the blue team cries in the dugout. Then they load the blue team on the bus and they cry some more. Jennifer seemed like a normal girl before this episode, but she cries and it's annoying.
At the beach party, Ben takes each girl aside to talk to them. There's no making out or talking about dead relatives, so ABC decides to show Courtney, the actress, be more of a bitch, by critiquing of each girl.
Back at the house, the blue team arrives and explain the--and Elyse's mouth is hanging open.
Back to the party Kacie finally can stop whining about not getting enough time with Ben as she gets to sit and talk with him. He gives her a rose. Because this is the perfect opportunity for the producers to rain on Kacie's parade, they have Courtney take Ben away from the girls. Courtney says they should go skinny dipping. FORESHADOW!!!!!
Elyse talks about how nervous she is about going on her date. She hasn't cried yet and notices that every girl here has cried. She thinks all of the girls should be equal so she cries on camera. Ok, Josef Stalin.
Ben takes her on a yacht and they talk about Elyse life and her past relationship. Why do all of these girls insist on talking about their past relationships while on a date with Ben? Is this a requirement? Elyse then tells Ben about how she gave up her life to be on this show, which one could interpret is some sort of guilt trip. When Ben finally decides he's heard enough of her BS, he decides to be spontaneous and suggests they jump off the boat into the water. Ben is so creative, he creates all these dates, did you know that? He pays for them too. He's so cool that he comes up with things to do on dates spontaneously. He spontaneously gets camera men to be underwater to show them jumping in.
At dinner, Ben calls out Elyse for saying she's accomplished everything she wants to in life. She explains her way out of it by saying she just meant that she's accomplished everything she wanted to while single and now she wants a relationship/marriage. Ben doesn't buy it. He looks like he's just waiting for her to stop talking to he can dump her. He does and they walk down to the beach where she gets into a boat. I can only wonder when this boat got to this scene. If she saw the boat, she had to see this coming. They show her crying and Ben watching her leave for a good 30 seconds. It's so drawn out. She continues to mumble incoherent words but ABC placed subtitles so when we hear her sucking in snot in her nose, it's really just her repeatedly saying "I don't know what I did wrong."
No more of that commie and her mouth-hanging-open shenanigans.
Again we venture back to the hotel and to the remaining sluts who claim they all gathered in one room coincidentally to talk about how they think the date is going. A guy comes in and takes Elyse's luggage. Again, this was perfectly timed when all of the girls were in one room to see it and the cameras were rolling.
"Shut. Up."
"Get out of here...!"
"No. Way!"
These girls are shocked.
Courtney, who is clearly drunk and is sitting alone on some hotel steps in front of Ben's hotel door, has a bottle of wine sitting next to her on the stairs Where I come from, this is what we liked to call a drinking problem and potential rapist.
When Ben arrives, she invites him out to the beach to go skinny dipping. Remember, she's the one who called Blakeley a stripper earlier in the episode. Ben knows that she's breaking the rules and says that it's a bad idea. It's such a bad idea that he says "let's do it." They strip down to their birthday suits and get into the water. The camera keeps showing their clothes on the beach so we know they really are naked. Courtney mentions to Ben how she hopes the other girls don't find out. Trust me, producers love this stuff. They paid her. They'll make sure the other girls know that this happened.
Ben says he feels guilty about the skinny dipping. He says that he's got connections with the other girls so he feels bad. Skinny dipping with 1 "model" = bad. Dating 9 other women, making out with a bunch of them in one night, and saying you're falling for them after knowing them for a total of 2 hours at the most = totally reasonable.
Blakeley takes Ben aside and pours her heart out to him. She doesn't come out and tell him, but she basically implies that she loves him and wants to spend a 3 month marriage with him. He thanks her, but I can already tell this didn't work. She didn't talk about a dead relative at all.
Courtney holds up her desire for the other girls to not know about the skinny dipping by implying that she went skinny dipping with Ben. The producers just got their raise to send the kids to college.
Emily realizes she hasn't been on camera that much (aside from crying in the dugout). She tells Ben that she wants to focus on him and how she wants to drop the Courtney stuff. Then tells him that Courtney is a weirdo. He tells her to knock it off and she cries. No doubt, ABC is just keeping her on the show to build up this falls' Bachelorette.
At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Jennifer and Emily. Of course Emily gets the rose because ABC hasn't built up their soon to be Bachelorette. Jennifer is kicked off the show. She cries in the van and the boogers come rolling down with the tears. Again it's drawn out. She says she wants to just find someone to love. I don't know how much more I can take of this.
As the credits roll, Ben and Kacie are shown getting into a steel tub full of melted chocolate. I don't know why this didn't make it to the show. Did Ben spontaneously decide to do this?
God, he's so spontaneous.
