I don't know.
Enough with explaining. Let's move on:
ABC loves to link together seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette like they're the game "Barrel Of Monkeys". I liked that game. A good one from my childhood. This show is awful. Therefore, it's destroying my childhood. Stupid ABC.
Last Bachelorette season involved a man named Ben Flajnik being denied by one of the worst people on this planet. Ben is an interesting character as he looks like the love child of J.P Losman and the guy from Law And Order. I can't think of his name right now, maybe I'll look it up later.
It's going to prove to be an interesting season. Interesting because most of the girls probably haven't thought about practicing writing the name "Flajnik"on any checks yet. I wonder if they told them this, they'd reconsider being on the show. Banks don't usually like to cash checks with a bunch of crossed out attempts at writing a name on it.
Now, onto the recap:
"I'm still lacking that person. That someone I was searching for in the last go. But the months that have followed, I've had some time to reflect. And I know what I'm looking for."
Those were the words spoken by Ben in the God awfully long voice over in the beginning. Ben is apparently looking for a money/fame seeking whore to spend the greatest 5 month marriage of his life with. Looks like you came to the right place, Ben.
ABC ships out Chris Harrison to review how hard it is to drop to one knee and get denied marriage by a woman. I paused my video and this exact point and found it to be funny:
Now we get to meet a few of the more interesting sluts of the show:
Lindzi - Age 27
Lindzi says she's 26 in the intro, but the text says she's 27. She looks much too old to be 26 or 27 and if I were ABC, I would check her drivers license. She loves horses and has been riding them since before she was able to walk. I wonder if her parents were involved in this. Child Protection should investigate. I've come to the conclusion everything about this woman should be investigated. From here on out, I'm calling her "Lying Horse Woman."
Amber T. - Age 28
Again, the text says 29. ABC needs to double check their writers for this show. Amber talks about how good she is with a shotgun and loves the outdoors. She also mentioned a strong desire to bring Ben to her home town for deer meat and beef nuts. I hope she lasts long enough for him to meet her family and they have beef nuts as promised. And by "beef nuts", they mean "fried cow balls". This is the price you pay for being on The Bachelor, Ben.
Casey Age 24
Casey says she's 24 years old. So they got one right. Casey talks about how much she enjoyed watching Ben on The Bachelorette. She must have enjoyed all the times he and Ashley made out.
Courtney - Age 28
Correct age in the text. This girl brags about how she's a model and you can just tell that she thinks her sh!t doesn't smell. "I've been a fake bride modeling so many times. I may be a real bride soon." If she thinks this show is the best way to be a "real" bride, she has more fingers than IQ points.
Jamie - Age 25
Jamie started off seemingly like she was a sincerely good person. Then she started to cry about taking care of her family when her mom couldn't do it and her dad wasn't there. It seemed forced. She's a fraud and a hack. Undoubtedly she’ll last awhile on the show.
Lyndsie - Age 29
Lyndsie is originally from London, but now resides in Arizona. Lyndsie wastes our time by showing a montage of all the different wardrobes she has from all over the world and all the languages she can speak. I'm guessing this is an attempt to get us to think she's smart. Again, she went on this show.
Jenna - Age 27
Jenna lets us know that she's a freelance writer who lives in New York City. She says she writes about love and how to get it. I'm assuming that she is totally broke and horrible at her job. If she was good at it, she wouldn't be on this show trying to find a fake forced love, nor talk in her intro about how she's always dated horrible men.
Now will be known as Bad Love Advice Jenna.
Shawn - Age 28
Shawn talks about her kid and how she wants a father figure in his life. It's a Bachelor signature move and guarantees she will be around for a good run like the ‘09-'10 Flyers.
Nicki - Age 26
Just makes stupid faces throughout her intro (as seen above). They then show her chopping onions and then a brief moment of a dog eating something off of the floor. Onions are poison for dogs. I’m calling PETA tomorrow.
Ben and Chris sit down and talk about his denial again. We're only 20 minutes into the show and the exact same story has been told 3 times now. It’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m fast forwarding through it.
It's finally time for Ben to meet the 25 women for his Kardashian-timed marriage. I'm not going to review everyone. Just the notable ones:
Erika tells Ben how she's a law student. She pulls some corny line about how he's guilty of being sexy. I wish I could go back to when I met my wife and hope that she used that line on me.
Jenna comes out and they share an awkward moment. She then tells him she loves a quote he said in the last season and then butchers the quote when repeating it. Sounds to me like it meant a lot to her. She then talks about how she slaughtered it to the other girls in the house. She then says, "she should just die" or something. I don't know. I don't remember what the exact quote was. Now I want to die too.
Shira tries to tell Ben she knows everything about wine and asks him to ask her anything about it. He does and she admits she knows nothing. Is anyone else noticing a trend with these sluts?
ABC then decides to mix things up and they pay a 72 year old actress to come onto the show to throw Ben a curve ball. You can tell he's really trying to be nice while thinking "What the F$^#!? inside. When she reveals she's there to introduce Ben to her granddaughter, who is an attractive woman, yet presumably the Devils spawn, he lets out a "REALLY!?" with a sign of relief. So Grandma gets to chill with her granddaughter in a house full of fame-seeking frauds. I wonder if she’ll get to go on the dates with Ben and her granddaughter, Brittany. I wonder if she’s going to be there when they’re on their 1-on-1 dinner dates. I wonder if she’ll be there when they start making out. This will be the most awkwardly fantastic moment in the history of television. I hate this show.
Lyndsie makes fun of her butt crack chin.
Rachel, who sounds like she's smoked one million Camel cigarettes in her day, is the first to take Ben alone in a staged 1 on 1. She reveals to him that she quit her job to come on this show. She adds "No pressure." to the end of that. Making the only thing with pressure right now is my bloodlines. I'm being harsh about the one million cigarettes. 5 Million.
Ben then sits down with Brittany and The Old Paid Actress. The other women start to get testy and drunk and criticize the move of bringing a wrinkled woman. One of them suggests that she just did it to make herself look young and beautiful. The claws are slowly coming out, people.And by "claws" I mean "grain alcohol". I've used that joke too much.
He then accompanies the Old Paid Actress out to the limo to see her on her way. There's a voice over of the Old Paid Actress saying that Ben is sincere and she's proud of her daughter. She's known Ben for a matter of minutes. Does she know what happens to these fools after the season is over?
Emily, a blonde who is definitely a paid infidel looking to stir things up, raps for Ben. She's a blonde bimbo who raps about love. She's probably has had a moderately successful modeling career, and is going to spend the next couple weeks flying in helicopters on tropical islands and getting shitfaced in a mansion all on ABC's tab. Street, yo.
Speaking of big boobed, fake, plastic blonde bullshit, Monica is insane. 100% chance she was paid by ABC to go onto this show. But instead of them telling her to stir things up, they just gave the drunken fool with 13 DWI's to their name the keys to all the cars in the dealership and said, "Have fun." She tells the Bad Love Advice Jenna she's just hear to have fun and doesn't care at all about Ben. She has no feelings for him. She's here for the booze and to cook rats on dinner candles.
For a brief moment, I thought this show was going to be awesome: Monica then gets lesbian on Blakeley. And when I say lesbian, I mean LES-BI-AN. She starts to lay on her and everything. I changed the channel and changed back to make sure I didn't change the channel to a free weekend of Cinemax or something. Bad Love Advice Jenna starts to get upset because Monica told her off and starts to cry.
Everyone gets drunk and starts to cry their tears into their empty cups. Monica then drinks their tears and sacrifices a goat. (Probably.)
Ben gives Lying Horse Woman the First Impression Rose. Her horse is probably peeing with joy somewhere.
A bunch of women are shipped off that barely made it on camera. The only one really worth noting is the Lyndsie. She said she felt like "such a loser; an absolute failure" because she got kicked off of the show. That's right, the woman who's traveled world throughout her life, learned multiple languages and cultural practices decided losing out on a 6 month marriage made her a failure.
There is no way you're still reading this far down,but Benjamin Bratt is the name of the guy from Law and Order.
