I watch this show streaming on the internet. Due to viewing restrictions, I attempted to see if the episode was on YouTube. Unfortunately I couldn't find it, but the number 1 result was a video of a group of women watching The Bachelor. Are you kidding me? One of them actually thought that showing them watching the show would be entertaining?
I'm not kidding. Look it up.
Ben returns home and jumps into a truck and talks about his dead father and how he wishes that he was there to judge the women. It's a classic Bachelor move, yet I'm sure his father would say
"get rid of 'em" and is probably saying that from the heavens above.
ABC, err, Ben invites all 18 women to his hometown, which is Sonoma. Ben lives in Sonoma and they're in his home town. For starters, they show the 18 sluts on a plane laughing and having a good time, mentioning how they're headed to Sonoma. I'd imagine that they all have drained the drink cart of all it's liquor, while headed to Sonoma.
Just in case you forgot, Ben lives in Sonoma.
Sonoma.
Kacie gets the first date card. Ben takes Kacie out for a night to explore, you guess it, Sonoma. Kacie talks about how she can be herself around Ben. He buys her a steel lunchbox. Kacie pretends that she forgot to buy something and runs back into the small store and buys a baton. For a moment, I thought she was going to come out and beat Ben with it, but she instead hides it from him. He comments by saying, "What have you got there?" She replies with "...Nothing..."
I wonder what Ben would've thought of Kacie walked out with a gun? Would he be nervous? How about a knife? What if it were a knife and she showed it to him? Would that dissolve his nervousness? What if she licked the blade and said "Having fun yet?" I'm guessing if she mentioned she was in Sonoma, Ben would be fine with it....
Kacie gets the first date card. Ben takes Kacie out for a night to explore, you guess it, Sonoma. Kacie talks about how she can be herself around Ben. He buys her a steel lunchbox. Kacie pretends that she forgot to buy something and runs back into the small store and buys a baton. For a moment, I thought she was going to come out and beat Ben with it, but she instead hides it from him. He comments by saying, "What have you got there?" She replies with "...Nothing..."
I wonder what Ben would've thought of Kacie walked out with a gun? Would he be nervous? How about a knife? What if it were a knife and she showed it to him? Would that dissolve his nervousness? What if she licked the blade and said "Having fun yet?" I'm guessing if she mentioned she was in Sonoma, Ben would be fine with it....
She reveals to Ben that she use to twirl a baton when she was a kid. They walk into the middle of the street and she tries to teach him how to twirl it. Why they had to do this in the middle of the street, I don't know. But I was hoping a random car drove past them and the driver gave them the finger.
Ben and Kacie walk around the corner and Ben revels her to the restaurant that they're going to be eating at. It's funny because there are hardly any people in Sonoma. It almost looked like the set of a zombie movie. How I wish a horde of blood thirsty zombies attacked the couple.
Then then sit down for dinner and talk about Ben's parents and Kacie reveals that she's a hopeless romantic. He says he needs to meet the south, but will never move anywhere else. He wants to stay in Sonoma. He gives Kacie a rose, because he wants her to stay in Sonoma. Because Sonoma is where he lives. Sonoma is his home.
They then make their way to an empty movie theatre, because they're not contractually obligated to watch a movie with other people in the room. They watch old home movies of themselves when they were babies. Because nothing says "falling in love" like watching yourself in a poopy diaper with the one you "love". They get emotional over Ben's dead father. Kacie cries as she talks about how emotional it was. They quickly get over it and make out.
A date card arrives at the house and we find out that 11 women will be going on a group date with Ben. The camera shows each person as their name is called out. Monica is included in this list and while the other girls smile, Monica appears to flash a gang symbol to an invisible friend. She's insane.
Ben once again reminds us that Sonoma is a really small town and community and family important to him. I know this joke is overused, but if this was a drinking game and the phrase "small town that is dear to me" is the trigger phrase, I'd be calling in hung over for a month.
The group date is Ben making the women act with kids in a play. Once again, we're reminded that they're in Sonoma as one girl has "Sonoma" on her shirt. Ben mentions how this small town is based on families. The kids then talk about dancing sexy and the big chested women. I hope someone went to jail for this.
"I'm so excited for this. This was a production by 5th and 7th graders. I mean, their imaginations? They're not like adults, they're way cooler than us." You got that right, Monica. She then swallows the souls of one of the children.
Ben and the girls act out an entire play after only reciting lines for at best, a couple of hours. Ben then shows a room full of audience members (aka children) how to kiss multiple women and then strips down to his underwear.
Again, I hope someone went to jail for this.
They all meet up back at Ben's house and drink incredible amounts of alcohol. The producers place the rose on the table. It's like putting fresh meat into a tank of sharks. Blakeley starts to tell the other girls how she's going to get the night's rose. Samantha runs away and cries about Blakeley. Courtney, clearly inebriated, talks about how she's going to make out with Ben. The other girls get mad. They show how mad they are by getting in their bikinis and drinking more in a pool.
Jennifer, who I am pretty sure has not been on camera for more than 3 seconds prior to this segment, decides to earn her paycheck, I mean, develop a relationship. She drags Ben to an indoor part of the pool. This seemingly random encounter is lined with candles around the pool. They make out. The producers tell her to go away and tell Blakeley to go and make out with Ben right in front of Jen. They then tell Ben to give the rose to Blakeley in front of all of the girls to piss them off more.
Ben brings his dog to meet the girls. The dog runs right past them; concluding they can smell evil. They get the dog to howl in the woods and then make out while he howls. It's a touching moment.
They eat dinner in the middle of a vineyard. The conversation goes like this:
"It's tough to find someone."
"Yeah. It's tough."
"Yeah."
"It's tough."
'Yeah."
"Yeah. Tough."
"Yeah."
He gives her a rose and she rubs it against herself. It just gets awkward.
Lying Horse Girl tells Ben she wears dirt as make-up. That's not a joke. She prides herself as growing up on a farm and with horses and said she used dirt as make-up. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 99% chance horse poop was on her face at some point.
Blakelely pounds back another bottle of wine and destroys a date.
Bad Love Advice Jenna tells Ben she's a guy. She then slurs her words to the camera and cries. Somewhere, ABC producers are high-fiving each other and figuring out what else they could do to get Bad Love Advice Jen to have a mental breakdown. It's working. She's saying she's a dude.
Ben find Blakeley in the fetal position hiding in the corner, telling Ben everything is fine. Ben finds Bad Love Advice Jenna hiding underneath a blanket in the bedroom. I was waiting for one of the girls to be hiding in a closet talking about how good blades of grass taste.
Bad Love Advice Jenna gets kicked off. She blurts out random phrases to the camera as she...wait for it...cries. Congratulations to ABC again. I think we can officially say she had a meltdown.
