Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Don't F#@k With Me. I'm A Nice Person!




In case you didn't catch it last review, the group is headed to Park City, Utah. ABC flies Ben separately from the girls so he doesn't see how they clear out the airplane's liquor cart. He flies in his own helicopter to what looks like the middle of nowhere and hangs out by a creek. Ben mentions having fun with his dead father by the creek. Meanwhile, the women pretend they know how Park City is and act excited while boarding the plane.

ABC...er...Ben says he's flown the girls to Utah to expose them to some outdoor adventure. This is probably the first sincere thing that has been said this season. I can tell that you're saying, "But Kyle! HE SAID HE WANTS THEM TO HAVE FUN OUTDOORS!!! LOL!" That's a load of crap. What I'm saying is that he's probably right in the assumption that the closest thing these girls have ever done adventurous outdoors is when they stopped to take a leak at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods store.

Side note: to write that last sentence, I paused the video. I paused it and again Elyse is making this face:

Last week, I mentioned how she made this face:

Does this woman ever have her mouth shut on camera?

Kacie B. says, "Whenever I look outside, I think this is the perfect place to fall in love." She's looking at mountains and a giant forest when saying this. I bet ABC is disappointed knowing full well they could have stuffed them in a log cabin tonight for 1/10 of the cost of this hotel suite and gotten the same result.

After Chris Harrison plugs the hotel, he once again explains the rules of the competition in season 16.

Camel Cigarettes Rachel gets the first date and this pisses off Kacie B. Kacie complains about how she didn't get the date and then leans off camera. I thought she was going to start heaving airplane liquor off the balcony, but it didn't happen. She was just upset and the producers told her she hasn't cried enough. So, she does just that.

Ben picks up the walking lung cancer in a helicopter and ABC makes sure it lifts off in front of the suite's window. The girls are told to act surprised to see a helicopter. Ben and Rachel steal a local's canoe and make out in the middle of the water with a bunch of bugs around them. I don't know about you, but any time I am out by a lake or pond, I am constantly swatting these annoying flies away. These two don't have time for that. They continue stick each other's tongues down each others throats, crushing the flies between them.

It's so romantic.

After they decide they've eaten enough bugs with their tongue bath, the come ashore and have a picnic; complete with champagne. They share many awkward moments that were even awkward for me to watch. Later on, they have dinner in a hut. Rachel shoots down one of Ben's jokes and he fires back by basically hinting that he wants to dump her for not opening up. She interrupts him and blabs on about herself. Because Ben knows he's got psychological edge on her, he gives her a rose. They walk outside to a fully roaring fire and eat marshmallows. That's bugs, champagne and now marshmallows flowing through their organs in the middle of the woods. Have fun wiping with pine cones.

Ben then approaches the girls on a horse for the group date. Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces For Make-Up is overjoyed with this. She always looks like she's desperately trying to hold in a fart whenever she talks.

I rest my case.

They go to another stream and find out they're fly fishing. The girls pretend they're excited about going into fish-infested water. Kacie, once again, complains about seeing Ben with other girls ON A GAME SHOW THAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR. I thought this girl was the odds on favorite so far, but she's coming across as annoying. She's annoying and she's on this show. I'm annoyed. I hate this show.

Courtney gets paid by ABC to start problems within the group. She looks like the very fish she's trying to catch. She lures (no pun intended, but she does belong on the end of a fishing line and nibbled on by a shark) over to a remote part of the stream and acts (probably not) like she doesn't know what she's doing. Conveniently, she catches a fish and Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces For Make-up gets mad. Bear Grylls would be super proud.

The girls attempt to make a pact that they don't interrupt each other's time with Ben. 3 seconds later Nicki realizes she has no soul and interrupts Casey T.'s 1 on 1 session. Nicki doesn't have any dead family members to mention so she talks about her dead boss. Ben replies with how one of his friends died. Because they talk about death and feel a connection, they make out.

Samantha, who I've never heard speak prior to this but sounds like her helium is currently sitting in her voice box with Occupy Voice Box signs, complains to Ben about how she doesn't understand what group dates are. Ben tells her she's a jerk and tells her she should leave. She cries because she's not going to be on camera anymore and is gone.

For the next 1 on 1 date, Ben chooses Jennif....Kacie steals Ben and again she complains to Ben about, you guessed it, how he's hanging out with other girls and how it's hard on her. They make out in an elevator.

The producers tell all the girls to strip down to their bikinis and get in the warm pool and drink lots of alcohol. The warmth thins their blood causing them to get more drunk...faster. ABC can then spend less on alcohol. Thank you, 8th grade health class.

Ben grabs Courtney in front of the girls and they go somewhere and make out. Courtney runs through the lines that the producers have given her. Because she's the only one making this season any sort of interesting, and because they paid a lot of money for her to be a bitch, ABC/Ben give Courtney a rose.

Jennifer finally gets to go on her date with Ben. They go to a giant 300 foot deep crater in the ground and Ben tells her they're going to hang above it and then drop. Jennifer mentions how terrified of heights she is, and the producers rejoice. They both strip down to their bathing suits and make the jump. I don't know how the camera guy got down there, but he films them as they start to make out. Later on they eat dinner and it starts to rain. They try to run back to the resort to avoid the rain but talk about how much they love it. Everything is lovable on the show. Once they get inside, Ben tells her how he loves trying to make her pee her pants while jumping into craters and gives her a rose.

Another musician's plug happens as there is a random concert in the middle of nowhere with a few hundred people watching. Jennifer says "It's amazing that Ben would set this up for me." I hate this show.

Time for everyone to get smashed! Emily tells Ben she's sick and tired of Courtney being around. Ben tells Emily that she's going to meet her demise and she smiles. She then complains more about Courtney and Casey defends her because ABC wants more cat fights. Casey and Courtney talk and Courtney yells, "Don't f#@k with me, I'm a nice person!"

That was my pick up line in bars from 2007-2009.

All of the girls sit down. Courtney and Emily sit on opposite sides of the room. The two trade verbal shots at eachother and the cameras show shots of the rest of the girls and it looks like their eyes are watching a ping pong match of hate. Monica pulls Emily aside and tells her to pick her teeth with her bones. (I'm sure. They just didn't show it on camera.)

At the rose ceremony, Monica is shown the snowy limo. To fill her crying clause, she complains about how she can't find love and cries.

Maybe she should stop flashing gang symbols to invisible people.

If you think I'm being hard on Monica, don't f#@k with me. I'm a nice person.