It's time for more misery known as watching The Bachelor. Just so you know, the Ravens-Patriots game is on right now. If you're reading this while football is on, I'm sorry.
To start this weeks disaster, we're reminded again that Ben is from Sonoma and that this place is his home. Today, they're headed to San Francisco, which is near Sonoma, which is where Ben lives and where one of these girls may live. Because Ben is never leaving Sonoma.
Ben first starts off with talking to his sister over drinks. She asks him what it's like being on the "other side of things". As if we haven't been told enough by Ben how weird it is, ABC wants us to be reminded again. Then Ben tells his sister about how he's been making out with all the girls. I'm sure his sister is proud of this. I, for one, felt awkward.
Ben's sister than tells him that "you never now where you'll find love." It's true, even a fabricated game show has it's chance for you to find love...for 3 months.
Chris Harrison re-explains the rules of the game show to the girls in season 16. That's right, 15 season prior to this, no one knows the rules. Just now, we all have to be reminded. He then leaves the date card and we find out that Emily was chosen by Ben. Emily reveals she is afraid of heights which no doubt means she is going to be doing something that will involve a ridiculous amount of height. Again, ABC producers high-fiving eachother in the spirit of being cold. One of the girl teases Emily by saying they're going sky-diving. She follows this with a taunting face:
Above: Bot-ox gone wrong.
Turns out Emily's worst nightmare has come true. Ben joins Emily and tells her they're going to climb a the Bay Bridge in San Francisco. He tells us that just climbing bridges and risking death together will only help a relationship. I hope that Emily heard this too.
They get about half way up the bridge and Emily starts to have a panic attack. The producers have to be drunk off their psychological warfare at this point. To help her overcome her fear of the situation, Ben grabs her and they start to make-out. Emily then uses a metaphor saying that a bridge brings two people together and that's what this has done for her and Ben and they make it to the top where they continue to make out. Then they probably puked realizing they're almost 600 feet in the air and a kiss doesn't mean shit when you've slipped and fallen from there.
At dinner, Emily talks about online dating, posting nude pictures of herself on the website and how she's compatible with her brother. Ben gives her the date rose and they make out underneath fireworks. Emily pretends that she didn't know about the fireworks. Bachelor-Make-Out-Session-Under-Fireworks-Quota filled.
Ben then takes a group of 11 girls out for a date, including Monica. After a shameless advertisement of the new Honda XRV and it's new features, the group walks up to a section of a street where a ski hill with snow has been created. At first, I thought to myself they should have just had the group go somewhere with real ski hills. My only thought as to why they didn't do this is because 1) This is San Francisco and this is Ben's home. He grew up here. and 2) it means the girls can't ski in bikini's in cold weather.
The girls strip down to the ultra-revealing bikinis that they all conveniently had on prior to being surprised. Monica finishes carving her skis out of human bones. Nicki says that Ben is so hot, that the snow he touched melted. It's either that or it's summer and 85 degrees in San Francisco.
The rest of the girls in the hotel room start sizing each other up. Brittney gets the second date card and the rest of the girls surround her like a pack of wolves and interrogate her. Brittney reveals she's not that happy with getting the date card and ultimately decides she needs to cry on camera and then leaves. Rachel The Camel cigarettes advertisement on the show receives the group date rose.
With Brittney's date now off, Lying Horse Woman ends up getting the date. They start a date that can only be described as a crime spree. First, they stop at an ice cream parlor with a long line. They cut everyone in line and walk right into the kitchen and demand ice cream. After that, they go to San Francisco's City Hall. Of course it's after hours, but Ben shows that he has stolen a key. Lying Horse Woman, shocked that he'd be able to do this, says "Who is this guy?" I yelled out "Bitch, he's a criminal! RUN AWAY NOW!" Then, I remember this woman is called Lying Horse Woman for a reason and I understand why she's so impressd. Coincidentally, a band is practicing in the building as well and they play a song for the two and they start to make out.
For dinner, they go to an old speak-easy which you can only access with a password and/or ABC's money. Lying Horse Woman talks about being dumped over a text message and how she thought it was awesome in doing so. Ben said he thinks it's awesome that she got dumped that way too.
ABC then throws the biggest twist to date at us. Because Brittney conveniently left (and/or got paid off), ABC calls Shawntel and tells her to pretend she has feelings for Ben. They get all of the girls nice and hammered and then have Shawntel walk into the room. A few of the girls pretend they don't know who she is, then once someone says "it's the funeral director," everyone magically remembers everything about her. Shawntel goes right for the throat and steals Ben from the girls. They all watch as she asks Ben to spend the next few weeks making out with her.
She then walks inside to the alcohol-fueled room. They all interrogate her, telling Shawntel that she doesn't know Ben and therefore can't have any feelings for him. Meanwhile, the rest of the girls have known Ben for all but 3 weeks and totally can be in love already.
Tears and rage start to flow. All of the girls say they know that Ben will see through Shawntel's lies, yet talk about leaving if he picks her. Chris Harrison walks on camera and tells the girls to stop with the bull because the rose ceremony is going to be tonight.
Ben gives the first rose to Courtney. She tells him that he's an ass for even talking to Shawntel. Good job, Courtney. Way to score points with the guy by telling him he's an idiot.
With only one rose left, Erica tries to get a last ditch attempt at attention by fainting on camera. After she's realized that she's got the full attention of Ben, she then gets back up and acts totally fine.
ABC, realizing that they overpaid to have Shawntel come back, tells Ben that he will not be giving out the final rose to any of the remaining girls, including the fake fainter and Shawntel.
Ben talks to Erica for a minute and then leaves her on a bench. He then reveals to the girls that they're going to Park City, Utah. The girls cheer in happiness, but no doubt none of them know where Utah is.
Shawntel cries and tells us that she feels embarrassed because she got rejected. I don't have any sympathy for her. She should know that talking about a dead parent is a lock to advance and she didn't do this. She should be more embarrassed about that than anything else.
By the way, New England is going back to the super bowl.
