I've been getting a lot of hits these past couple weeks because I titled one of these reviews "Monica Said Douche". The number one search that has brought people to this blog?
Check this out:
You go, America.
Just for the extra hits:
ben flajnik is a douche.
This week the group is venturing to the world of Panama City, Panama. The girls once again try to BS us by saying Ben has taken them to Los Angeles, Sonoma (which is his home and it's where he lives and he'll always call it home), San Francisco, Park City Utah, Puerto Rico and now Panama City, Panama. No wonder there are so many single men in this world, no one is as awesome as Ben.
"I honestly do not know what to expect." - Nicki. I can tell you what is going to happen, Nicki. Courtney is going to be paid to stir things up, Emily and others are going to cry and you're still going to look like a castle guard from the Wizard of Oz.
The girls arrive at a resort that looks like a giant steel vagina:
they all talk about how wonderful this place is and it's the perfect place to fall in love. I can't imagine there are too many perfect places to fall in love in this world, but according to all of these girls, Ben has managed to hit 6 of 6. Every place they've gone to so far as been the perfect place to fall in love. God Ben is so perfect.
Ben is getting some real feelings for all these woman who have already told them that they love him. He says he's halfway though this venture and he can see himself with one of these women. He then re-re-re-re-re-re-explains how this show works. One 1-on-1 date, one group date, and one 2-on-1 date where Ben remembers he's on cable TV and can't live every man's dream.
ABC tells Chris Harrison that he can go out and eat locals so they can have Ben to deliver the date card to the ladies. Kacie B gets the date card and Blakeley attempts to strangle her (not a joke.). The date card mentions how she should choose three things that are needed for survival.
Kacie B talks about how this second date could be a sign that he wants her forever. Kacie B's voice is really annoying.
They take a helicopter to a deserted island. Kacie B. talks about how excited she is to have a whole island to Ben and herself. Whenever I told women I knew for only a few weeks, that I would take them to a deserted island where we could be alone, they would tell me "That's just creepy. Go away."
Kacie reveals that she brought a green stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy to the island. There are real life survivors of real life crisis' ready to punch themselves. Ben brings a machete, a fishing net and matches.
Ben tries to be a man and chop down some coconuts from a tree. He fails and most likely an intern came in with a chainsaw to help them out. He then tries and fails miraculously at fishing with just a net. Ben says, "we may be just having coconut for dinner." Ben attempts to chop open a coconut while Kacie B. talks about how turned on she is with his determination. I shouted at my TV, "HE'S JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE, KACIE B! WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY!? ROTFL!"
The two magically get a fish in their fishnet and are magically able to chop down coconuts with ease. They start a fire and cook the fish on a piece of coconut leaf. Ben talks about how teamwork was the reason why they were able to catch this fish and drink the coconut water. I can't believe that neither person has mentioned how they should start populating the island.
They then decide they've had enough of mocking everyone who's ever been stranded in a difficult situation and call the helicopter and tell it to come and get them.
At dinner, Ben talks about how important it is to have fun in a relationship. It means a lot to him. He then bastardizes this preference by saying he wants to get serious with Kacie B at dinner. Conveniently, Kacie B. says she needs to start opening up. Kacie reveals that back in high school she had an eating disorder for a year. She says her parents caught her puking during a Super Bowl party. I bet this happened during the halftime show. Why, you ask? Because there's a good chance thiis was the half time show that featured Aerosmith, Nelly, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, and N'SYNC. No doubt Dad said, "This sucks. I'm going to take a piss before I puke on our TV." Oh the irony Mr. uh...B.
Ben talks about how Kacie B's eating disorder is something that he'd like to know about: "Kacie B.'s eating disorder is a monumental moment in her life." After this recap I'm checking if we can build a monument of Kacie B.'s stomach next to Mount Rushmore.
All of these trips that he's paying for out of pocket is really starting to add up. So the fact that he can save some money by having a "I'll just have water" woman when they go out to eat is comforting to his bank account. Very smart tactic Kacie B. But I'm onto you.
Ben gives her a rose and they walk the streets of Panama City and makes out in front of locals. Kacie says she's in love with Ben. I am now puking.
Ben is then shown cruising down the river all by himself in a boat that is at least 40 feet long. He picks up the soulless whores and Jamie talk about how manly and hot Ben is because he is driving a boat. In case you forgot how dumb Jamie is, here you go:
The group discovers some local kids playing soccer. They decide to stop and say hi, but the kids run away; which makes kids that much more awesome. They follow the kids and pretend to be shocked to see a village, as if the cameras that were already placed throughout it weren't a dead giveaway that they were going there. The tribe embraces them and takes the girls away from Ben. All I can say is, we do not have to worry about virgins being sacrificed in this group.
The girls go to get some genuine jungle people outfits. Courtney, the paid shit stir-er, decides to show some blurred boobs. The rest of the girls look shocked, but the men and boys in the tribe suddenly love everything about this show.
Ben comes out dressed in nothing but....drum roll please...a loin cloth! You see what I did right there? I held you in suspense. The Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart attempts to do the same thing, but she doesn't get a drum roll at all. Stupid Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll.
A local man gives the group paint so they can give each other paint tattoos. Courtney paints B+C=<3 on Ben's shoulder and the rest of the girls get mad. She then plays soccer with the kids and her clothing falls off. The locals are so happy that they dance in celebration of Courtney's breasts. Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll takes Ben aside and tells him that she's cried knowing her boyfriend of 3 weeks has multiple girlfriends. Ben says he knows she doesn't want to go to Dumpsville again and they make out.
I counted 4 fart faces during that conversation.
Ben steals Courtney to be alone with her because ABC tells him that this girl is getting ratings and they are getting great bang for their buck. She tells him her room number and then implies that she'll be there waiting with a bottle of wine and some physical intentions.
Jamie asks Camel Red if Ben is a good kisser. Because that's what evert girl wants to ask other women of her boyfriend. She realizes she hasn't been showing Ben affection and rambles on about it...to no end. On and on and on. ABC producers realize this is a perfect time to have Courtney stick her proverbial wolf fangs into the situation. She strips down to a bikini and Ben can't help but look. I can't say that I blame him, Jamie hasn't stopped talking this whole time. She talks about how she wants to kiss Ben but can't bring herself to do it because Courtney is swimming around in the back round.
Ben then takes Emily aside because ABC needs another plug of this Fall's Bachlorette. She pulls such a funny prank on Ben and then he asks her if she's past the issues with Courtney. She tells him that she is and then tells him that she's still got a problem with Courtney and will apologize to her.
Emily tries to apologize to a liquored up Courtney who crushes Emily's apology like the woman's hockey Slovakia vs. Bulgaria 82-0 game. Ben shows up and takes Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll aside and gives her the rose.
Courtney goes up to her room with a camera crew to talk about how she can't wait to be alone with him. She puts on some make-up and then chokes up as she talks about her sensitive side. Ben never shows up and she cries into her wine glass.
Ben takes the final two ladies, Blakeley and Camel Red onto a 2-on-1 date to a Latin dance club. This is the first date where we know that one of the girls is going to get dumped after eating dinner so the stakes are as high as the chances that Kacie B. is puking right now.
Both girls take their turns dancing with Ben. It's like a 2-on-1 tag team wrestling match. Only these girls are fighting each other for Ben's attention. Blakeley and Ben are enamored with each other to the point of where they're both sweaty. Camel Red stands to the side and complains about how much of a fraud Blakeley is. The dancing is rather boring to watch but the music gets super dramatic. Camel Red looks worried that Ben can't see the lies.
Will someone please get dumped?
The awkward date continues as the 3 of them sit down for dinner. Ben talks about how nervous he is because he's sitting with two women and one of them he's going to dump while she's eating. He takes Camel Red aside to talk to her. Apparently the police have found Chris Harrison cannibalizing Panamanians because police lights flash on Rachel face during the entire conversation. Camel Red makes a sexual pass at Ben by asking what she can do to him to convince him to keep her.
Ben then take Blakeley to talk alone. Blakeley starts crying because she didn't get the 1-on-1 date. Seeing that this is her only chance, she reveals to Ben that she can do arts and crafts. She shows him a bunch of magazine collages she made about the relationship between her and Ben.
The 3 return to the awkward dinner and Ben gives the rose to Camel Red. The music gets super dramatic as Blakeley gets up and walks out on the 2 of them. Ben follows her and tries to explain to her why he dumped her in front of another woman in the middle of dinner. For some reason ABC shows a cat, Blakeley cries some more. I jump up and down knowing fully well I can stop typing Blakeley and not have to worry about spell check putting that red line underneath it.
Chris Harrison, fresh out of custody, shows up in the girl's suite and takes Casey B with him to talk. We know from earlier in the show that she's going to be crying, so this should be good. He reveals to her that he knows she has a boyfriend named Michael. Casey B. tries to explain herself out of it by telling Chris she thinks she should go to therapy. Chris doesn't buy it and she tells him that she wants to marry Ben to get back at Michael. She reveals that she still loves Michael and Chris tells her that they should go and talk to Ben about this. Chris makes her walk up to Ben's room with no shoes on, the drama is tense and music is super dramatic as they knock on the door.
Ben opens the door and is shocked to see Casey B. and Chris Harrison. The door opening is perfect to reveal a cameraman who conveniently in the room to tape the shock on Ben's face. Casey B. tells Ben that she still loves Michael. Chris Harrison awkwardly sits to the side and watches the dramatic unfold with the rest of us. Casey realizes that her chances of convincing Ben she wants to be here are slim and resorts to crying in front of him. The conversation goes like this:
"I came into this to get over a guy I was in love with who never wanted to get married to me."
"Okay."
"And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to marry me. I want to be with someone like you who does want to get married."
"I think you should go home."
Casey cries and blows snot into Chris' shirt in the elevator. He then puts her in a van and she cries some more. It's super awkward. I pretended my power went out and the TV wasn't on until it was over.
The girls let the drinks pour at the cocktail party. Nicki dances and makes out with Ben. Courtney provides the world a ROTFL by pretending she thinks she's going home and then asks Camel Red to be a mirror. She's insane. I hate this show.
Jamie rambles on about how she's prude. I'm really starting to think this girl is a virgin; just because no one could stand her. She seems like one who would ask "don't you ever wonder why there are so many stars in the sky?" when you're trying to get your game on.
Presumptions shot! Jamie straddles Ben and rips her dress in the process, continuing to not shut up through out. They make out and Jamie says she wants to get it on with Ben, but she can't. She continues to ramble about kissing because kissing Ben is something she totally wants to do but she can't do it with out giggling in the process so she decides totell him how she is going to kiss him because she wants to kiss him but she's super nervous about kissing him because she really enjoys kissing him but she's just nervouvflhgvfuoygfdvuyvydsdsvsuivs;iotttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
i just broke my keyboard. I hate this show.
Commercial Break: Uncle Jesse from Full House just got head butted by a woman.
Jamie's rambling really did her in. The rose ceremony came down to her and Emily and she never had a chance. Emily is the next Bachelorette. A dude wearing a Dick Tracey hat drives Jamie away from the house.
During the credits, Emily raps to Ben again. I forgot that she rapped. This is awful
I hate this show.
