Today we celebrate the day of love. It's Valentines Day and couples everywhere take this day to celebrate the love between them. What better way to celebrate the love that two people cherish by blogging about a man who dates multiple women on a scripted reality show? There's no other way.
ben flajnik is a douche.
Douche. Douche Douche.
Bring on the views, America!
This week The Bachelor takes us to Belize which I think is in Mexico. I don't know where it is. All I know is that it's not Sonoma and it's not Ben's home.
Our episode starts out with Ben driving a boat and talking about how important this week is. Ben has narrowed his search for fake love down to 6 women and he needs to cut it down to 4 because next week he's going to meet his future 6 month in-laws. It's such a crucial week. The stakes are high.
Then we get the women on a plane who, once again, talk about how crucial of a week it is because Ben is going home to visit the remaining contests families. Nicki says it's a crucial week and the stakes are high.
If redundancy was a federal crime, these people would get gravy dumped on them and locked in a room with rabid pitbulls.
"Our room is beautiful. But unfortunately I'm sharing it with 4 other women and a shark." Emily says this and references Courtney as being a shark. Emily says shark, I say "future QVC salesmen on late night informercials for swords." Tomato To-mah-to.
Chris Harrison shows up and explains the rules to the girls. Again. The guy is useless.
Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll gets the first date. Emily whines to the camera by making a stupid metaphor, "It's like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake and put it in front of me and then someone else takes it, says "Bye bye" and walks away...with my cheesecake. In swim trunks." That's deep, Emily. Somewhere, Plato and Socrates are attempting to die again by taking turns at headbutting concrete.
Metaphor about love count: 1.
She then makes this face:
Words cannot describe how unexcited I am for the next 2 hours.
Ben takes Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll in a helicopter to a remote location in the middle of the ocean called "The Blue Hole". It's a 500 foot deep part of the ocean that is surrounded by coral reef. Ben tells Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll that they're going to be jumping out of the helicopter and into the Blue Hole.
Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll says she's afraid of heights, which exactly why the producers put her into this position. You must face your fears and risk death in order to fall in love.
The two of them use another wonderful analogy and say this is comparable to being nervous in a relationship and then just going for it.
Metaphor about love count: 2.
"Holy sh*tballs I just jumped out of a helicopter!" exclaimed Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll. Too bad they didn't land on the coral reef and Ben's leg didn't get cut.
They both talk about how proud of one another they are and then proceed to make out. Lying Horse Woman Who I'm So Sick Of Typing The Name Of says she's in love with Ben.
Later on at dinner, Lying Horse Girl Who-screwnames... makes another fart face:
She tells Ben that she's falling for him and that she wants to bring him home to meet her family. Another fart face:
This is getting ridiculous.
Ben then reveals that he has a great idea. He takes out a pen, a piece of paper and a whiskey bottle and says they should draw something funny on one side of the paper and write something serious on the other side. Ben says it's like their relationship.
Metaphor about love count: 3
Lying Horseihatenamesthati'vecreated says they're getting the best of both words. They choose to do the serious side first and write a fairy tale that's basically the story between the two of them so far. They talk about how they met (she rode in on a horse), to when they have made out and finally how she came over her fear of heights just hours earlier by jumping out of a helicopter into the ocean. They then walk to the end of the dock and throw the bottle into the water.
Then never mention what the "funny" side of the paper was. I really wish they would've done this. I really hope that it was them mocking Chris Harrison hair like preteen girls do in high school.
Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll throws the bottle into the water and mentions how she hopes that whoever finds it gets to live the fairy tale that she's currently living. I hope that a local, who has been out fishing all day and has caught nothing finds it. Just when he thinks he's got a fish, he ends up getting this bottle stuck in his net. This will result in him getting so mad that he pees all over it and uses the note to start a fire.
Emily get chosen for the next date because ABC needs yet another plug for the Fall's Bachelorette. The helicopter pilot must've told the producers that they're sick and tired of this scripted reality show because instead of her flying in a helicopter, the producers shove her into an airplane. When she meets up with Ben, the two of them ride bicycles through the Belizian (is that right? I don't care.) streets. They stop at a local basketball court and play basketball with some guys there. Emily plays basketball in a dress because she's smart. They mention how this is such a perfect vacation at least 5 times in less than a minute. Emily rounds of the last mentioning of this perfect vacation by saying it would be even more perfect if her boyfriend wasn't dating 5 other women. She must've forgotten what show she's on. Either that or she's dumb.
Ben suggests that they kill lobsters and eat them for dinner. A local takes them out on a boat and Emily says that spontaneity is important in a relationship. She then talks about how great Ben's desire to do random things is. In this case, it's going through with ABC's planned, scripted instructions of performing their own little lobster genocide.
Lobsters are really fast underwater. Ben and Emily let us know this as they try to catch them with their hands. They struggle as the lobsters repeatedly swim away. Ben finally manages to catch one. Emily catches one short thereafter However, we're never actually shown her catching it. An intern just got hired.
After "catching" the lobsters, they make out in the water and talk about how them working together to catch the lobsters is like people working together to make a relationship work. I hope the local who took them out on his boat left them or this would be super awkward.
Metaphor about love count: 4.
Back at the resport, Lying Horse Imsotired and Courtney talk about how Ben is on a date with Emily. Courtney complains that Emily treated her bad and Ben knows this. She then says she wants to have a man that treats her good and makes her feel like she's important and wanted. Never in this whiney, crying rant does she mention how she wants a man that isn't dating 5 other women. She then says that she's not going to accept a rose from Ben if he doesn't pick her to go on a 1-on-1 date with him.
We're back to Emily's 1-on-1 date with Ben (you followin' me camera guy!?). The two them are dancing and Ben acts shocked at how much of a party this is. I'm pretty sure these are the same guys playing music when they were dancing earlier in the day. These guys must've given ABC Producer's the Payless BOGO deal.
At dinner, Emily complains more about Courtney. There's a shocking sentence. She then reveals to Ben that she's ready to bring Ben to her family. they make out and the camera zooms in to what looks like Emily licking Ben's lips. I'm not kidding. It's super awkward.
Again, back at the hotel (I'm sorry, I can't help this anymore. They're all over the place.) a table apparently delivers the date card to the remaining girls. The music is super intense as we await to see who gets the final 1-on-1 date. ABC of course gives it to the paid actress because the producers tell Ben to give it to her. The rest of the girls in the room look super annoyed. Kacie B. talks about how she wishes she could punch Courtney in the face. I was really hoping to see this happen. Instead, she says Courtney is a black widow and she wants to smash her between her hands and get spider guts all over them.
Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple, which I'm pretty sure just set in motion the apocalypse of 2012. Ben and Courtney act shocked at the size of the temple and talk about the human sacrifices that went on there. They stop about half way up and decide the location where hundreds if not thousands of people who had their hearts cutout for sacrifice would be a good place to stop and eat lunch. The music gets super intense as Courtney tells Ben that she was going to leave if he didn't give her this date. He tells her that in the group dates he's noticed Courtney. If you remember correctly, she showed her breasts.
They continue to climb to the top and Courtney says it's like them taking the steps in their relationship.
Metaphor about love count: 5.
They pretend it's some huge feat when they reach the top where a camera man is already there to film them. No one ever mentioned his struggles. They just had to carry a blanket and some alcohol. He had to carry a camera and equipment.
Courtney says "I feel like I'm on top of the world again. Actually higher." This proves that she's an alien.
Because Ben hasn't mentioned his dead father in awhile, he brings him up as they sit atop the temple. He says that his dad would be proud of what he's accomplished, which is climbing a temple and each lunch where they performed human sacrifice. Then, they make out some more.
Later on at dinner (they never show anyone eating), Courtney tells Ben that the producers want her to take him home to meet her family. Ben says he believes in soulmates, ABC says they believe in ratings.
Courtney then talks about how none of the other girls like her. She complains about how boring they all are. I can feel my IQ going down as she talks. In fact, I'm letting it play right now while I'm typing because I got so bored. She's a horrible human being.
I'm still not paying attention. I think they're fighting. ABC is frantically trying to find the "we override Ben's decision" clause in his contract.
She then goes gangsta and pretend to be shooting the rest of the girls with her fingers.
Again back at the hotel, the table delivers another date card. Kacie B, Rachel and Nicki are chosen to go on the 3-on-1 date which means this is easily going to be the most whiney, annoying date yet. Ben sneaks into the girls' room at 4am and wakes them up. Lying Whats-er-name-whatever says she's glad she slept with a shirt on. Nicki says this is the definition of sexy while she shaves her crotch and Camel Red shaves her armpits. It's a real ROTFL moment. Ben is so fun and so are these girls.
The girls claim that they got ready super fast in the darkness of 4am but the sun is well in the sky when they walk outside. Camel Red reminds us that the stakes are high right now, because we forgot in the past half hour.
All this talk about steak is making me hungry.
Camel Red talks about how excited she is to be on this date because they're doing something in the water. Ben reveals that they're going to be going shark diving. Camel Red set herself up for disaster as she now reveals she's super afraid of sharks. The look on her face says it all: "I shouldn't have told the producers that Jaws scared the living sh*t out of me."
Ben uses another metaphor about facing your fears (sharks) is like facing your fears in a relationship.
Metaphor about love count: 6.
These hacks will make anything an analogy about being in a relationship. I really want the group to go to a giant pit full of starving gerbils and be forced to go into it. Then I hear how the gerbils knawing at their skin is like being in a relationship. I really everyone to get eaten by a shark at this point.
The producers tell Kacie B. and Nicki to get out of the way for a minute so Ben and Camel Red can be alone. This is so we can get the full magnitude of Camel Red's immense fear of sharks. To get Camel Red as petrified as they possibly can, the producers throw meat into the water to attract the sharks.
Ben finally gets her to go into the water. they hold hands and swim. The other two girls don't even matter anymore because they didn't show they were afraid that they weren't going to get eaten by the sharks. Kacie whines that Camel Red is taking up all of Ben's time. She needs to talk about puking some more. No, better yet, she should just puke on a shark to get her point across that she wants more attention from Ben.
After they're done, they all sit and have drinks together. Ben takes Camel Red aside and she tells him that she wants him to come home and meet the family. Nicki reminds us that this date is crucial. I'm so sick of hearing the word crucial.
Nicki takes Ben aside and tells him how her dad would love him and she wants him to meet her dad. That was a really confusing sentence. I'm sorry. I'm so tired of this episode. I don't care anymore.
Kacie B. says she wants the rose today. Aside from puking during the Super Bowl and complaining about how he's on dates with other girls, this is seriously all this girl ever talks about. She tells Ben that she loves him and she wants him to meet her family. Do these girls have to do this individually? Can't they all just get in one room and say it in unison? It could be like one big cluster bleep version of "Heal The World". Without Dan Aykroyd.
Ben gives the date rose to Kacie B. She squeels like a rabbit that's just been poked.
Ben then says "I want to thank you girls for everything you talk about." and the 4 of them share an awkward moment of silence for a good 10 seconds.
The 3 girls say that Ben should watch out for Courtney and that she's lying to him about everything. Ben says he needs to question his decision and wonders if Courtney is really a different person behind his back. Because, you know, if it wasn't scripted this way, he can't just watch any of the footage so far.
The girls then go to some sort of bungalow bar. Nicki once again reminds us that this week is super important because 1) two girls are going home, and 2) Ben is meeting the parents next week.
I numbered them. In case you forgot.
When they sit down, Lying Horse Girl i'mnotdoingitanymoretoday says that it's super important to get a rose. Nicki says that this is a super important rose ceremony and sweet merciful God please kill me now.
Kacie B mentions how these roses given out tonight mean you're taking Ben home to meet your holy hell i'm going to start eating my keyboard.
Chris Harrison, who I'm actually considering a savior from these girls right now, shows up to explain to the girls there's not enough time to have the girls get drunk at the cocktail party. Either that or there was a miscalculation on ABC's "alcohol budget". I don't know.
The dream machine has just killed it. For the 100th time in this episode alone, Chris Harrison reminds us that everyone who gets a rose tonight is taking Ben home to meet their family and tonight was important. Thanks, Chris. Please have your face meet the business end of a wood chipper.
Ben shows up to tell two women that he doesn't want to meet their family. But first Ben throws the world a curveball by asking to take Courtney aside to talk to her. The music gets super dramatic as she rambles on and on about how she wants to be here for Ben and doesn't care about impressing the other girls.
When they walk back to the group, the mood is tense. The producers tell Ben to give Lying Horse I'vehaditwiththisepisode and to The Wizard Of Oz Castle Guard/Nicki (i've used both names and don't care enough to go back and change it to just one) so they can get suspense of the final two being the paid actress and Emily....oh and Camel Red.
They don't even show Camel Red this whole time. She's done.
Chris Harrison walks out and reminds anyone who can't count higher than 3 that there's just one rose remaining. Emily talks about how Courtney is done for.
After a solid 30 seconds of everyone just staring at each other, Ben gives the rose to Courtney.
Camel Red says she's tired of being disappointed and slightly cries on camera.
Emily cries and snot oozes out of her nose so much that she turns away from the camera, whipes snot from her noise and says "ew."
See you this fall, Emily.
