As you recall, our crack squad of soon-to-be-forgotten fame seekers are all headed to the land that brought us neutrality, pocket knives, and Roger Federer. That's right, this week we're headed to Switzerland.
Oh fiddlesticks, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before we go to Switzerland, we get a bunch of Ben talking while looking out the window of the airplane. For the first 10 minutes, Ben reviews each of the women and talks about how he loves them and can see himself with each of them. He then reminds us once again that he loves the country of Switzerland. Oh and how he's getting married to one of these women because he loves each of them.
This show is so horrendously redundant.
The 4 are in the Swiss town of Interlaken. Nicki says, "I can't imagine a more perfect place to be in love." This is the 9th place that has been mentioned as the perfect place to be in love. Based on Bachelor logic, this place has a 1 in 9 place to be the perfect place to be in love. That's a 11.11111111111111111111111% (repeating) chance of falling in love.
Bad assumption Nicki. Bad. Assumption.
The first date has Nicki and Ben being picked up by, you guessed it, A HELICOPTER! Ben actually sounds like he's mocking the repeated use of helicopters on this show when he reveals it to Nicki. But Nicki will have none of it. Nicki gets super excited at the site of the helicopter.
The two fly over mountains. Nicki talks about how beautiful this country is. Ben says flying over glaciers and sharp rocks is like being in an adventurious relationship. He also says he wouldn't want anyone else to be on this adventure but Nicki.
Just remember that over the next few days he's going to be having sex with with 2 other women.
After they're done with their stupid metaphors, they land on top of one of the mountains and Ben whips out the picnic basket. They sit to drink wine (there's no food, they're drinking on empty stomachs? Probably. Logic? They didn't blow chunks on the helicopter ride.)
Nicki rambles on about how happy she was that Ben likes her family. Then they talk about how great the conversations is that they're having. Seriously, nothing is said here. All they do is talk about talking and about how great it is to be talking. Nicki said she just wants to scream from the top of the mountain, Ben turns and "hoots" like an owl. Nicki again says she's in love with Ben after that.
They get back into the helicopter and get taken to another mountain and the helicopter leaves. Nicki says, "The view is endless. Which could be compared to our future together." Please, just someone stab me in the face with the corner of a lego piece.
The corners of Legos are sharp. I'm sure they could do some damage.
Back from break, Ben and Nicki are walking to dinner. I was hoping that the helicopters were just going to fly away and never come back. If you remember, Ben has some serious survival skills as covered by the time he was left with...um...one of them on a deserted island. I guess on this small mountain peak they couldn't hide the interns very well.
Nicki squeeks while walking. I don't even know what's going on with that.
They go to a log cabin to have dinner. Ben asks Nicki if she's thought about what their weeks and weekends are going to be like after the show. Nicki says, "I've thought about it, Ben. A lot. And it's crazy to think that our first adventures were in Sonoma (his home), San Fran, and then it's like giddy, get to know you and like 'oh this is where he lives and this is where he works!'"
Through this rambling response, as she always does, Ben gives the most unintentionally hilarious response to her:
"Yeah. That was the point."
Eventually they get on the subject of having kids. Ben says that he wants to have 4 and Nicki gives him a shocked facial expression and says she always thought to have 2. I think it would've been really great if she just said "that's too much" and got up and left. Instead, she immediately backtracks her desire for 2 and says that she'd be willing to have as many as Ben wants.
All of this making babies talk is getting Ben in the mood. He decides this is the perfect time to give a key to Nicki to invite her to spend the night discovering the spots where the bathing suit covers up. Which basically translates to, "if you want to be my 6 month wife, we must go and have sex right now at my command." Nicki says she accepts and they make out. Nicki asks when they can go up to the room and Ben reveals that he's ready to go and get laid right now.
They make their way to the Fantasy Suite and ABC makes sure they show the entire room. Just so all of us guys remember that our "hey, you wanna just get a room at Econolodge?" question sucks royall ass. And then they show the bed, to remind us of where the heavy petting is going to be happening tonight.
They sit down and talk some more. Nicki starts laying it on thick, basically telling Ben that she's the only girl in the world that will work for him. It's rather amusing how desperate she sounds. Then they move to a hot tub and make out some more.
Nicki once again says she thinks Ben and herself will be happy together for the rest of their lives. I hope she remembers saying this a million times on this show when she's arguing with Ben about how he went and bought a 6 pack when he was suppose to go to the store to get diapers for 1 of the 4 children. Two of which she will remind him she didn't even want.
The next date is with The Lying Horse Girl. I've really given up on the whole name thing. I thought it would be funny to keep adding on it, but it just got really annoying. This show is annoying. Everything is annoying. Are you still reading this?
The couple walks through the woods and Ben acts shocked when he sees that they're going to be repelling down a cliff. Because the producers didn't tell him where they were going or what they were doing. The music gets super intense as Lying Horse Girl panics. If you recall, she's terrified of heights.
Ben has the look on his face that says "I'm going to F#@$ destroy these producers." As they hang in the air, Lying Horse Girl says that hanging off a cliff is like being in a relationsh...you know what, forget it. Not only are you probably sick of the metaphor jokes, I'm sick of trying to find new jokes about them. This shit is so stupid. (I try not to swear in these so they don't get blocked by certain sites. But I can't take it anymore.)
The music turns adventurous as they risk death, because it's the only way to know if you love someone. Before they reach the ground, Ben grabs Lying Horse Girl and they make out. The producers must be glad about this because it would have been a huge waste of time and money if they didn't act like this brought them together. They get into a hot tub and Lying Horse Girl talks about how happy she is that she's here with Ben. There's more talking. It's really boring. And then they make out some more.
Back from break, the two sit down for dinner and...FART FACE MONTAGE:
What the hell is going on with her hair, anyway?
There's really nothing else exciting about this dinner. I think Lying Horse Girl professed her love for Ben, but I'm not really sure. I'm not really paying attention. Lying Horse Girl sounds like she's losing her voice.
Ben gives Lying Horse Girl a key to the Fantasy Suite and she says, "Normally I don't just, you know, go stay the night with anyone. But I would love to." It's good to know that she wouldn't normally do this, but since she wants to stay on this scripted game show, she's willing to have pre-martial sex with a guy she's known for weeks on national television. They go up to the room and they make out on the bed.
Finally, Ben is going on a date with the paid actress, Courtney. Ben is going into this date with the premise of being worries about Courtney's attitude toward the other women.
They get onto a train and Ben says that there's something romantic about riding a train. I really don't know what that could be. Especially on the train they're on. It's got hard, wooden seats and is bright yellow. If this is the basis of being a romantic thing, he could have just taken her to a booth at McDonalds.
They go to random shops in the small village and buy food for a picnic. They decide the perfect spot to consume food is near some cows. Ben asks Courtney if she's ever played the game "Hey Cow". She says no and when asked how you play, Ben tells her the rules.
"You yell "HEY COW!" at the top of your lungs and if they look at you, you win."
"Oh ok"
(Courtney turns to the cows) "HEY COW!"
(The cows don't look.)
Ben: "Well, you lost."
What a douche.
Courtney tries to apologize for being mean and demeaning to the other girls. Ben tells her that it was a concern for him for awhile. Courtney fixes her hair at least 12 times during this conversation. This episode seriously hasn't given me anything worth writing about. I'm grasping at straws here.
Courtney apologizes for being mean and wishes that she would've handled the stuff with Emily better. Ben says he thinks she's great because she was able to pretend to not be a paid shit stirer for a 2 minute confession. He offers her the Fantasy Suite Key and the chances of the producers allowing Courtney to say no to one more week of getting ratings were as about as good as the chances of this show getting cancelled in the next 2 minutes. They go back to the Fantasy Suite and make out some more in a hot tub. Ben talks about how small the hot tub is but how he enjoys it. Courtney climbs on him and they make out some more.
Because this episode just doesn't have enough content (which, I'm sure you can tell by now), they reveal this Fall's Bachelorette which is Emily Maynard from Brad's season. I know I thought it was a sure thing that the next Bachelorette was going to be Emily from this season. There's too many Emilys in my life and there isn't even an Emily in my life. I don't know any Emilys other than these two. I'm tired.
From the looks of the preview, there's going to be no change in the amount of crap this show produces. Already, Emily has reminded us 3 times that she's a single mom who wants to find happiness with a guy again.
ABC gives us a huge morale boost by having former Bachelorettes Ali and Ashley H. show up to "train" Emily on how to be the Bachelorette. This whole sequence is super nauseating. The three of them act like the Three Musketeers if the Three Musketeers only goal in life was to make America have a Russian Roulette party.
First, they walk into a store and buy Emily some clothes to wear on the show because this is absolutely neccessary to find love on a game show. After that, they go and get make-up done even though they already have make up on. And finally, ABC needs to plug Titanic 3D to help fill ABC/Paramount Pictures/Leonardo DiCaprio/Kate Winslet's pockets. So, they have the girls go to a movie theater to watch the movie. Ali says that she's excited to go and watch this movie and hopes Emily can create her own love story. Because nothing could say love more than watching a movie where one of the lovers dies.
I may have just ruined the end of that movie for some of you. If I did, too bad. I don't care. The movie came out 15 years ago. Go watch it on VHS.
So we're enticed to go to re-see this movie in the theater and give them millions, Ashley H. then reminds us that 3D movies are in 3D. She says, "I feel like I'm there. Like I could touch that." as she's making this gesture:
She must be referencing touching Kate Winslet's boob.
Back from break, Ben walks out to the balcony to reflect on who gave him the best sexual experience over the past 3 nights. Just as he's remembering his awesome experiences, Kacie B. shows up to ruin the fun and once again I have to listen to her whiney voice. Her seemingly random flight to Switzerland, cunning intuition to which hotel and hotel room he's at is all documented by the cameras and microphone operators. Ben, with the cameras in perfect place to catch, shows a state of shock when he opens the door. This show is garbage.
Kacie B flew half way around the world to accomplish what a simple phone call could have. She wants to know what happened between her and Ben. He says that after meeting her family, that he wouldn't be able to give her what she needed. He basically tells her that being interrogating by her over protective, non drinking dad was what killed her chances with a win producer who wants to marry her after knowing her for 4 weeks. That's probably a run on sentence. I don't care. Why are you still reading this? Kacie B. sucks.
Kacie B. drops the BIGGEST BACHELOR BOMB to date. She tells Ben that she doesn't like Courtney and that she's not right for Ben. She tells him that Courtney's comments have been red flags that she's not in it to marry Ben, but to win a game show. Because we all now this isn't a game show. This is a TRUE way to find love.
Kacie B. leaves the room and lays down on the floor in the hallway to get some more facetime in her "Campaign To Be the Bachelorette." More voice over of her complaining again. Ben is sitting on the couch and thinking.
Back from break, Ben stares at the pictures of the girls and contemplates Kacie B.'s return. ABC pushes Chris Harrison on camera so the two of them can sit down and talk. Ben tells Chris that Kacie B. flying half way around the world to ask him what went wrong confused the hell out of him. Chris offers to have Kacie B. come back for the Rose Ceremony but Ben declines. There's more emtional music as Ben stares at the pictures of the woman and, you guess it, this show is a steaming pile of cow turds.
The Rose Ceremony is next. Ben says some speech about love and how he has to know which person he wants to have in his life. He's basically hiding the fact that he's questioning Courtney's desire to be there. Don't worry, Ben. We all know the producer want her there.
Ben dumps Nicki. Nicki says she's happy he's dumped her and she says that she hopes he doesn't get hurt. She's pretty much implying that if he chooses Courtney that he's going to. She then gets into the limo and starts crying. I'd say she holds it together pretty good. She didn't drop the blurred mouth F-bombs like Kacie B did last week.
I can only imagine how awkward it must be in these limo rides for the cameraman. I'm sure he just turns on the light and sits there with his camera in his lap. He pretends the girl is not in the car with him and just waits for her to start to cry and have a snot infested meltdown. He must be well trained to know when the perfect time is to hit the record button. Too early and she may snap at him for being too anxious. Too late and he may not get the initial running of the mucus waterfall.
So now Ben has it down to the final two girls. Lying Horse Girl and the paid actress. The producers are really trying to throw America a curv eball this year. Usually they have the paid actress gone by now.
Next week all of the women come back for the "Women Tell All" show. I really hope they just talk about how much Ben is a douche.
I know they won't. But one can dream.
