I remember growing up being taught that talking over someone or interrupting someone was rude. You should wait your turn while listening to what that person had to say. The contestants on The Bachelor were never taught this rule. In their dying, one last chance at spending a few more weeks in the super market tabloids, these women took the stage for the Women Tell All Episode to argue and throw verbal jabs at one another. These women know no ceiling in the house of disgust. "Bitch" is a term that was thrown around more times than one is willing to count.
The Women Tell All Episode is the creme de la creme when it comes to garbage television. Most of my readers already are seasoned veterans to The Bachelor. But for the rest of you who have a life that doesn't involve glutton for pain, I will lay it all out.
ABC has brought back the 23 girls that Ben has dumped this year in order for them to sit on stage and argue with each other while a crowd full of hundreds of women and 1 guy watch and applaud everything.
He's only smiling because he ran out of tears.
The show starts out with Chris Harrison recapping the entire season. He drops the bombshell that Courtney is going to be there tonight to "defend herself" The crowd of hundres of women and 1 guy act shocked and start to applaud. I'm warning you right now, this is going to be the format for this review. One girl starts to talk and the rest of the girls argue with that person, and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud.
After that, we venture into a shameless plug for Bachelor Pad. Everything about this promo is terrible. All it was, was 10 minutes of people talking about how they want to have sex with a bunch of people in the room. Ali, who was once considered the proof that this show worked, is on here. She apparently broke the engagement with Roberto. She's got a voice that sounds like someone jammed one of those New Years Eve noise makers down her trachea.
Back from break, we're shown more review footage from the season, because everyone would be watching this if they didn't watch the season. Chris decides to get the girls to gang up on Blakeley first. Blakeley made it very well known on the show that she wasn't there to make friends, she was just there to be with Ben. The rest of the girls saw this as mean and they talk over her to let her know how much of a jerk she was. Samantha is the first girl to grab face time by going on a huge rant about how Blakeley is horrible person. This girl's voice sounds like someone gave a smoke alarm an English dictionary. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud and the rest of the women start to talk all at once realizing that Samantha's voice has taken over.
Next, Britney talks about leaving the show and Samantha cuts her off to continue the Minnie Mouse-voiced rant. I turned down the volume because her voice is intolerable. Samantha is clearly trying to apply to be The Bachelorette. I pray this never happens. There's no way that anyone can listen to her talk without their ears starting to bleed. This might have been the most controversial season of The Bachelor, but this episode is the worst 2 hours of my life. Britney tells Samantha off and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud. Chris says that there's so much more to get to and the cuts it to break.
Next is the verbal slaughtering of Shawntel. If you remember Shawntel crashed the show conveniently when Britney left and said she was in love with Ben. All of the girls saw her as poisonous venom that just got injected into their fake love veins. Ben dumped her within minutes. A recap of all the horrible things that the girls have said about Shawntel is shown while she watches and looks mad. After the recap, the studio is super silent as Shawntel explains that it was hard to hear what the girls were saying behind her back. It's good to know that this show is on national television and teaching today's youth that the best way to handle any curve balls life throws at you is by immediately judging the person and making fun of their physical features.
Emily apologizes and tells Shawntel that she's beautiful and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud. The rest of the girls apologize for being rude to her and you can tell everyone gets nice and warm in their smiles. It's super heartfelt and touching. I get flashbacks of episodes of Full House.
Emily sits in the hot seat next. We're reminded that she can rap, even though it's the loosest, whitest form of rap ever. She has a PHD yet thought it would be smart to go on this show. Footage shows Emily and Ben laughing as they plug one of her 30 analogies of love on the show. Then, things take a turn for the entertaining as they show the struggles between Emily and Courtney.
Emily complained a lot. Holy shit. She basically tries to rationalize her hatred for Courtney. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud and Chris Harrison nods a lot. Emily quotes Ben by saying "He said, 'tread lightly and you make not know me as well as you think you do." The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy gasp and the camera shows a woman who was shocked like this was the first time she heard it. Even though they just played that scene 30 seconds ago. Thanks for reading this far.
Emily finishes her face time by basically saying Ben is an idiot for choosing Courtney over her and he's an idiot if he chooses her. Chris reminds us that Courtney is there, just to make sure you don't change the channel.
Next is the Wizard Of Oz castle guard looking chick named Nicki. Again, footage is shown of Nicki's venture. The square in the bottom left corner shows Nicki's face as she's watching herself being dumped. Her expression doesn't change. She's a castle guard. It's final.
In case you don't remember, Nicki made herself known to the Bachelor Reviews as the woman who rambles on. She takes no exception while being in the hot seat. She talks about how confident she was in her love with Ben. She points out what we all knew: she was shocked when she got dumped. She said that she was just herself and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 man cheer her on. Screw Sesame Street, get your kids to watch this horror.
Next, Kacie B. takes the hot seat. Again, footage of the Kacie B's experience is shown. Her squealing in the limo after being dumped is shown. It's even more awkward to watch than the first time. There's so much sobbing and snot, holy crap balls. I notice, however, that they edited out her blurred mouth F-bombs. I guess they figured that was enough teaching preteen girls about the real world.
Camera comes back and shows a woman in the crowd whipping a tear away from her eye. The 1 guy must've farted. Either that or she must've felt a personal connection with Kacie B. the same way that Kacie B. knew she loved Ben after knowing him for 3 weeks. Another woman is shown taking her glasses off. I don't get why this was shown. What the hell is the point of this episode?
Kacie B. is like a presidential candidate hellbent on winning the election to be the next Bachelorette. The interview basically takes a turn to imply she's going to be. She said that she's ready to find love again and is going to make sure it will be with the right person this time. I can already hear this being uttered over and over again in 2 years.
When we come back from break, it's time to hate the slut of the hour; the paid actress Courtney. Each girl realizes we're in the home stretch of their last time on this show and they all need to find the most creative way they can to describe how much they hate Courtney. Everyone talks over each other. Casey S is asked about Courtney and she defends her because she was a friend of hers. A lot of girls are talking while she talks and Emily makes a ton of faces. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud the girls for all hating Courtney in their own special way.
Chris drops the episode's bomb by saying that Courtney is there to defend herself. The women act shocked and disgusted even though this has been mentioned in every segment so far.
Courtney walks out to a crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy reluctantly clapping. The producers make sure that Emily is shown glaring at Courtney. The mood is super tense as she sits down. Courtney apologizes and says she wishes that she handled things on the show differently. I'm not sure if this is a sign that she won or lost. The crowd is so quiet that you can hear a fan running in the background.
The girls are basically in a 23 on 1 tag team match at this point. Each girl takes their shot at showing Courtney how horrible of a person she is. They all ask her questions as to why she was so mean and while she tries to explain herself, the cameras show Emily and she looks ready to introduce Courtney to a pack of rabid wolves.
Courtney is working the scene great. She's apologizing to everyone and they're all getting frustrated with how she's not being a jerk like she was on the show. Everyone starts fighting and swearing at each other and Courtney just sits back and watches. They're all making Courtney look better and better. Courtney needs to go into a sales job. She'd have the rest of the companies reps fighting with each other at the conference while she's shaking hands with the investors.
Holy crap! I just realized that Blakeley looks like the aliens from "They Live":
I joke, you decide.
Courtney let's go and cries her devil eyes out and unleashes paid actress fury. The room goes silent. As she leaves, the girls continue to talk under the breath but into their microphones about how much they think she's a fraud. But hey, this show isn't.
Finally, Ben comes out and sits in the hot seat. Each girl takes their chance to ask why Ben dumped them. Jennifer basically tells Ben she was disgusted that Ben chose to keep Blakeley over her. Emily whines some more. Jamie tells Ben that if it doesn't work out with whoever he picks that she's still available and would love to have sex with him.
In case you don't remember, she's this smart:
Intelligence absent.
Ben takes this well by just saying "ok." and shows that he'd like to move on.
After that awkward moment, we're treated with the lighter LOL side of The Bachelor. Chris reveals that they have a blooper reel prepared for tonight's episode. It's a great great sequence. Ben gets scared by a small bird, Emily declares some one should go "Casar Milan on a dog's ass" and a cow tries to eat a cameraman.
To end this putrid episode, ABC shows us a preview of next's weeks season finale. Ben must pick between Courtney, the paid actress and Lying Horse Girl Who Has Too Many Names. We're promised that next week's episode is going to be packed with drama and a shocking twist. Translation: There will be 10 minutes of content and 110 minutes of redundancy and people standing on balconies and thinking.
