How many of you sitting there right now can name the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Quick, off the top of your head. What are they're names?
If you didn't stop to try and think of them and kept reading, 1) you must be really anxious to read about this terrible show, or 2) you think I'm going to give you the answer to this.
And you're right. The correct answers are: Courtney, Kacie B, Nicki, Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll.
Now that I think about it, Lying Horse Girl's interest in horses now makes perfect sense.
That's right, people. Ben is down to the final 4 women in his journey into televised, contractually scripted dating show. Let's BRING IT!
This week is the big week where Ben is going to the town of each of the 4 women to meet their families and watch as the family's sanity is challenged when wondering why their daughter is professing love to a man they've known for weeks. In case you forgot from last week and the 5 million times it was mentioned, the stakes are super high and each minute with Ben is crucial.
We first travel to Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll hometown of Ocala, FL. She claims she's super excited to have Ben come back and meet her parents because she's only done this one time before. That one time turned out to be the guy that broke her heart. When Ben shows up, he mentions that it's super sexy to see her (i'm really just trying to prevent having to type this Godzilla-of-a-name I've created) riding on a horse. He then promptly helps her get off the horse.
Lying Apocalyptic Horse...yep, takes Ben for a ride on her horse and she says, "If Ben ends up with me then horses are going to be a part of our live." I hope this is true. Picturing these two in some sort of weird revamp of Mr. Ed would be awesome. Especially if the horse just bit them every time they came into the barn.
Lying Horse...yep, then compares getting kicked off a horse and then getting back on like getting heart broken and then going back and trying again. We're not even 5 minutes into this week's episode and she's already nailed another love analogy. I can't count this anymore, it made me want to scream at kids walking home from school.
The two stop underneath a tree where there is a blanket and some lunches put there by the producers. I'm shocked that they didn't try to play it off that the super spontaneous and awesome Ben didn't have this in some sort of backpack or something. The only conclusion I could come up as to why they wouldn't have him carry it is because they were riding on a horse carriage directly in the path of the horses' ass gas and poo bag.
Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses...HEADFAKE, talks about her past relationship and Ben compliments on how proud he is that she's finally opening up to him. He tells her how happy he is that she opened up and told him about her past relationship. And then they make out.
On the ride back to her house, she attempts to start singing "Over The River And Through The Woods". This is how that brilliant attempt went:
"Over the woods and through the..no. Over the..through the woods..through the..water." Basically, she could have just thrown monkey dookie at a 10 foot tall fan and gotten the same result.
The two head back to meet her parents. The parents act surprised when they see them ride up in the horse carriage, though cameras are sitting there to show their excitement.
The 4 of them sit down and talk about Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll (I was due) parents getting married at the exact same city hall in San Francisco that Ben and Lying Apoc-SYKE broke into a few weeks back. She acts as if she's surprised and it wasn't like the producers either knew this, or told the parents to say it.
Dad then challenges Ben in a horse race. Lying Apocalypse Horse Girl and Ben vs. her parents. Dad then Dad tells Ben that they're not allowed to run this race without trash talking.
The music gets super dramatic and starts to sound like ESPN's Sports Center theme in 1984. Dad and Ben trash talk and it's pathetic. The parents win the race and make Ben and their daughter pull them back the house. .
The next part gets super boring. Ben has a one on one chat with her mom and he mentions how he didn't realize how big horses are in Lying..yep's life. Mom mentions how they fended off boys and made her stay focused on horses. By my calculations, that means she would be on many websites for very sick individuals.
Ben then talks to her dad and he seems like he may have a few drinks in him. The producers must be so proud that their focus on intoxication on this show has now had collateral damage on parents.
They make a fire and cook smores. Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl's...wassap parents say they think she found a keeper he tells them that they raised a great girl. Dad proposes a toast and says that they would love to have Ben as their son in law after knowing him for one afternoon. After that, Ben and Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And thisiswhereIforgottherest decide they should walk away from the parents and into the dark woods to make out in celebration.
It's really quite obvious, this girl is going to win.
Next, we venture to Clarksville, Tennessee to visit the family of the girl who's voice sounds litterally like nails on a chalkboard if the nails could wine while scraping: Kacie B. I'm not sure why this show is still referring to her as Kacie B. There's no other Kacie for her to be confused with. In fact, there never was another Kacie for her to be confused with. There was a Casey S. But Casey S. spelled her name that way; the right way.
Honestly, I know the answer. I'm trying really hard to just focus on something else while Kacie B. talks.
Ben shows up to a football field where a high school marching band is playing They eventually reveal Kacie B. who is twirling a baton behind them. It appears to be raining and dreary which is why I was hoping that she would've slipped and fell at one point. I didn't get my wish.
They walk up and talk in the bleachers. Kacie B. reveals that the football field they're at was named after her grandfather. She tells Ben about how the most influential story of her life is the story of her grandparents love for each other. I'm so glad that their love story was what influenced her to go on a prime time dating show.
Kacie B reveals to Ben that her dad is a probation officer who doesn't drink. This comes as a surprise to Ben who just cracked open a bottle of wine 20 seconds prior. Kacie B. says they're in the Bible Belt and Ben says they're in the Bourbon Belt. Kacie B. lets out a super annoying laugh. I hate this show.
Ben and Kacie B. head back to her parents house to have dinner. Kacie B.'s sister, who looks like a salamander, is there as well. After dinner, Kacie B.'s dad takes Ben aside to talk. It's not so much as getting to know him as it is an interrogation. I'm convinced this guy has partners of his in the next room, checking Ben's fingerprints as they're talking.
Her father says that he hopes that if Ben realizes Kacie B. is not the one for him, that he dump her soon so that she doesn't get to involved and it crushes her in the end. The guy seriously looks like he just wants Ben to get abducted by aliens.
He then talks to her mom and she basically tells Ben he's not allowed to do anything with her daughter until they're married. If her parents aren't making the next person Ben is going to dump obvious, then I can't help you.
Kacie B. then sits down with her dad and he tells her how stupid it is to try and find love on a televised dating show. I suddenly love everything about Kacie B.'s father.
He then tells her that he wont let her marry Ben and Kacie B. gets mad. She says she knows that Ben is the right guy for her because she's been dating him with 24 other women for 8 weeks. She says she thinks that her and Ben's relationship may have just taken a bad turn and that she's scared.
Kacie B., you now know how it felt to be on the Titanic.
Next, we head to Fort Worth, Texas where Ben is meeting up with Nicki, the Wizard of Oz castle guard looking girl. Ben says he loves everything about Texas, especially Texas Nicki.
Ben and Nicki keep up the stereo-type of all Texans by going into a cowboy boot shop to buy some boots. An older man who looks like Stan Lee, if Stan Lee put on a cowboy hat and chose to wear terrible pink shirts, tells them to feel free to try anything on. I don't really have any sort of joke here, I just wanted to be able to put Stan Lee into this entry so that I get the comic book guys to come to this blog. The whole ugly pink shirt thing wasn't a joke. It's seriously a terrible shirt.
Later on they stop at a park bench and crack open the wine and drink it, which I'm pretty sure breaks public alcohol consumption laws. Nicki rambles on about how excited she is to have Ben meet her parents. Which is something we're shocked to hear.
They arrive at one of Nicki's parents house. I'm not sure which one the house belongs to because the parents are divorced.
Anyway, so they know all about what it takes to be married long term to someone. Nicki's mom pulls her into a side bedroom to talk about Ben. The camera shows her mom awkwardly rubbing her leg. It's kind of disturbing. I don't really remember what they talked about because I was trying not to focus on the weird thing that was being shown. I'm sure it was nothing more than talking about Nicki's divorce and how excited she is to love again. That's all that happens on this show. Metaphors about love and people talking about the metaphors of being in love.
That and dead relatives.
Nicki then talks to her dad and he tells her that he has to be careful this time because he may have
given her hand before he knew it was right with her last marriage. He then starts crying, Nicki starts crying. The Wicked Witch Of The West is melllllllllllllting from the tears.
Had to.
Nicki's father then says he approves of Ben and that he would love for his daughter to marry him. After dinner, Nicki takes Ben to the bedroom and professes her love to him by saying "like" 5 million times. Then, they make out.
Finally, Ben goes to the hometown of the paid actress named Courtney. Courtney lives in Scottsdale, AZ. Or, as I'm sure she calls it "the breeding ground for my scorpions."
Ben meets up with the paid actress' family which probably means they're all a bunch of paid actors and actresses as well. They sit down to have lunch (not dinner, it's too bright for dinner). Courtney's mom's chin is something that legends are made up. She looks like she doesn't even need a plate, she can just place her Caesar salad right on thing.
The rest of the lunch is super boring. Boring because Emily isn't sitting at the table for Courtney to harass and make fun of. Courtney mentions how she feels bad about making fun of the other girls. Which is good that she decided to wait until none of them were around to confess this.
Courtney's mom calls her out about being able to fall in love in 8 weeks with a guy who was dating other women on a scripted television show. I liked Kacie B.'s dad for doing this to her, but I don't like Courtney's mom. Ok, that chin looks like it could cut steel piping. I better say that I like her before it tries to cut me.
Courtney sits down to talk to her mom and her talks like she can't remember the lines that ABC has given her. Either that or she's a robot. Robots are awesome.
Ok, I like Courtney's paid actress mom because she's a robot and that bleeping chin.
They grab themselves a picnic basket and take a walk to a park to have a picnic...even though they apparently just ate at Courtney's parents house. Finally Ben is shown actually chewing. Courtney confesses that she wants to have Ben in her life but can't tell him that she loves him just yet
Minutes later, Courtney tells Ben she loves him. She find a super creative way about doing this. She takes him to a wedding alter where a Justice Of The Peace magically appears. They both write wedding vows and she makes him put on a bow tie. They put twine wedding rings on each others fingers and she says she loves him in her wedding vow. I seriously need to stop doing this.
Back from break, Chris Harrison decides to sit down with Ben back in LA and talk about the last 2 hours of the show. This show lacks so much content. It's so redundant, but they need to fill time. If they honestly wanted to entertain me, they could've just shown bonus footage of Courtney being demeaning to Emily.
I just fast fowarded through the rest of this interview.
Aty the rose ceremony, Chris re-re-re-re-re-eff my life- explains that there are only 3 roses on the table and that one girl is going home. This guy really can put "game show host" on his resume? I think we should have Chris be The Bachelor one of these years. He would just try to explain the rules to himself and then get super confused. Then he'd try to interview himself and regurgitate the same story to himself and finally tell himself that there's only one rose left on the table and yeah it's late I need to wrap this up.
Ben stands in awkard silence and then dumps Kacie B. I'm kind of surprised. I honestly thought it was going to come down to her and Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And dammit I thought I would get it this time.
Kacie B. tells Ben that she doesn't want him to be sorry that he dumped her on national TV. They share awkward silence as she cries and then she gets into a car and complains about how she thought she was what he wanted. She then sounds like she just had someone punch her in the gut in mid sentence. There's so much sobbing and squeeking going on. It making me uncomfortable.
She then asks, "WHAT THE F%#$ HAPPENED!? WHAT THE F#$@ HAPPENED!?" as if he totalled her car or something.
Ben goes back inside and makes a joke about dumping Kacie B. You're right, people. He is kind of a douche.
Then he reveals that him and the three remaining girls are going to go to Switzerland. A neutral country where Ben is going to show no bias to any of the 3 remaining women.
Next week, he's going to have sex with all of them.
No judging.
