On A Fake Dating Show, I Just Want To Know What I Did Wrong!

According to Courtney, It's game on.

In this episode, our train of trousers stains get a paid trip to Vieques Island Puerto Rico. We're first shown Ben on the plane and if memory serves me correctly, this is the first time he didn't mention his dead father. Apparently he and his dead father never went to Puerto Rico.

The girls arrive at their mansion style house where, once again the hack Chris Harrison explains the rules of the game.

It's season 16. This guy needs to be fired.

Chris mentions how Ben has planned out a great set of dates. He's got two 1 on 1's and a group date planned. It's the same for the past 16 seasons. Ben, such a great planner. And, you know, ABC's producers are too.

The date card is written in Spanish and the producers chuckle, knowing fully well none of the girls have an IQ above 75. So ABC decides to tell Emily what the card says and she pretends she can translate. Nicki, who I just realized looks like the guards in the castle in the Wizard Of Oz, talks about how excited she is go to on a date with Ben. This seems to vindicate my theory that all of these girls have the intelectual capacity of the plastic that is know as my space bar.

Ben and Nicki walk around the corner and Nicki screams in excitement when she sees, you guessed it, A HELICOPTER. Just once, I want one of these girls to be so scared when they see a helicopter that they vomit. "OH MY GOD! A HELI-BLAHHHHHHH"

The helicopter drops them off in town where they go for a walk. Suddenly, it starts to down pour. Ben being the suave quick thinker that he is, decides that they should go into a shop and buy some authentic Puerto Rican clothes. Ben chooses an all white outfit and a douchey hat. Nicki says he's "muy caliente". This show is such a fraud.

The two appear to be at some sort of old military base. Nicki makes a dumb comparison about the walls standing the test of time and that's how she wants her relationship with Ben to be like. I'm sure that the soldiers who spent 20 hours a day building this wall hundreds of years ago, built it in hopes one day it would become the metaphor of everlasting love on a fake game show.

They sit at a bench and spy on a wedding taking place at a nearby church. Ben asks Nicki if she thinks they're already married. He then comments on the bride's dress. Because he's had such an in depth discussion about these things, Nicki says she thinks she could marry Ben.

Later on, they sit and chat about Nicki's divorce. That's all they talk about. Chris Harrison told the girls to use their time with Ben wisely and she talked about how much she was in love before and it resulted in divorce. Ben figures that besides talking about a dead relative, it is the next best thing and gives her a rose. Then, they start suckin' face while Nicki and Ben both gave voice overs talking about how she opened up. I can't imagine being an editor on this show. "When should we start the voice over? 3 seconds into them jamming each other's tongues down each other's throats? Sure."

Back at the house, Elyse and Blakeley get into an argument. Blakeley complains about how bad she wants to go on another 1 on 1 date. My word processor hates the name Blakeley. So long that Blakeley is around, If there are any spelling errors in these things, it's because I don't feel like going back and hitting "cancel" in the spell check on every "Blakeley" I type. It's annoying.

Elyse gives her a tall glass of shut the hell up. She says Blakeley already has been on 4 1-on-1 dates and she has only been on one date and it was a group one. Elyse then says each girl should have the opportunity to go on a 1-on-1 date with Ben. She says all of the girls should have the same thing. She's a communist.

But hey, look at it this way, she didn't stand with her mouth open during the conversation.

Ben takes the girls to Roberto Clemente stadium to play some baseball. A local team's coaches are there to show the girls how to do cartwheels, run so that their goods bounce, and how to stick their asses out as they swing a bat. Ben mentions how some girls are really good at baseball and how some suck. Finally some honesty from Ben.

"Today was a lot of fun. I love doing this stuff. And then, Chris Harrison shows up and I'm thinking 'uh oh'." I thought the same thing, Blakeley. You just made me hate your name less.

Chris doesn't hold us in suspense long. He explains to the girls that they're going to be split up into 2 teams and play a game of baseball. The winning team will get to go to beach party with Ben while the rest of the girls go back to the hotel and get hammered. Seeing that there are 9 girls on the group date, one girl is chosen by Ben to play for both teams and thus is guaranteed a spot at the beach party tonight. Ben chooses The Lying Horse Women Who Uses Feces As Make-up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart.

Courtney and Blakeley are chosen as team captains and they draft their players similar how we use to when I was a kid at the playground. The only thing that's different is that these baseball players have breasts.

Ben is the pitcher and they girls hit every ball. I wouldn't call this game baseball so much as just a giant flaming tire fire. The girls act like it's intense. Courtney calls Blakelely a stripper. (Remember this for later in the review.)

The red team ends up winning and Blakeley blames everything on her teammates; stating that they didn't want it bad enough. A helicopter comes to pick the red team up and the blue team cries in the dugout. Then they load the blue team on the bus and they cry some more. Jennifer seemed like a normal girl before this episode, but she cries and it's annoying.

At the beach party, Ben takes each girl aside to talk to them. There's no making out or talking about dead relatives, so ABC decides to show Courtney, the actress, be more of a bitch, by critiquing of each girl.

Back at the house, the blue team arrives and explain the--and Elyse's mouth is hanging open.

Back to the party Kacie finally can stop whining about not getting enough time with Ben as she gets to sit and talk with him. He gives her a rose. Because this is the perfect opportunity for the producers to rain on Kacie's parade, they have Courtney take Ben away from the girls. Courtney says they should go skinny dipping. FORESHADOW!!!!!

Elyse talks about how nervous she is about going on her date. She hasn't cried yet and notices that every girl here has cried. She thinks all of the girls should be equal so she cries on camera. Ok, Josef Stalin.

Ben takes her on a yacht and they talk about Elyse life and her past relationship. Why do all of these girls insist on talking about their past relationships while on a date with Ben? Is this a requirement? Elyse then tells Ben about how she gave up her life to be on this show, which one could interpret is some sort of guilt trip. When Ben finally decides he's heard enough of her BS, he decides to be spontaneous and suggests they jump off the boat into the water. Ben is so creative, he creates all these dates, did you know that? He pays for them too. He's so cool that he comes up with things to do on dates spontaneously. He spontaneously gets camera men to be underwater to show them jumping in.

At dinner, Ben calls out Elyse for saying she's accomplished everything she wants to in life. She explains her way out of it by saying she just meant that she's accomplished everything she wanted to while single and now she wants a relationship/marriage. Ben doesn't buy it. He looks like he's just waiting for her to stop talking to he can dump her. He does and they walk down to the beach where she gets into a boat. I can only wonder when this boat got to this scene. If she saw the boat, she had to see this coming. They show her crying and Ben watching her leave for a good 30 seconds. It's so drawn out. She continues to mumble incoherent words but ABC placed subtitles so when we hear her sucking in snot in her nose, it's really just her repeatedly saying "I don't know what I did wrong."

No more of that commie and her mouth-hanging-open shenanigans.

Again we venture back to the hotel and to the remaining sluts who claim they all gathered in one room coincidentally to talk about how they think the date is going. A guy comes in and takes Elyse's luggage. Again, this was perfectly timed when all of the girls were in one room to see it and the cameras were rolling.

"Shut. Up."

"Get out of here...!"

"No. Way!"

These girls are shocked.

Courtney, who is clearly drunk and is sitting alone on some hotel steps in front of Ben's hotel door, has a bottle of wine sitting next to her on the stairs Where I come from, this is what we liked to call a drinking problem and potential rapist.

When Ben arrives, she invites him out to the beach to go skinny dipping. Remember, she's the one who called Blakeley a stripper earlier in the episode. Ben knows that she's breaking the rules and says that it's a bad idea. It's such a bad idea that he says "let's do it." They strip down to their birthday suits and get into the water. The camera keeps showing their clothes on the beach so we know they really are naked. Courtney mentions to Ben how she hopes the other girls don't find out. Trust me, producers love this stuff. They paid her. They'll make sure the other girls know that this happened.

Ben says he feels guilty about the skinny dipping. He says that he's got connections with the other girls so he feels bad. Skinny dipping with 1 "model" = bad. Dating 9 other women, making out with a bunch of them in one night, and saying you're falling for them after knowing them for a total of 2 hours at the most = totally reasonable.

Blakeley takes Ben aside and pours her heart out to him. She doesn't come out and tell him, but she basically implies that she loves him and wants to spend a 3 month marriage with him. He thanks her, but I can already tell this didn't work. She didn't talk about a dead relative at all.

Courtney holds up her desire for the other girls to not know about the skinny dipping by implying that she went skinny dipping with Ben. The producers just got their raise to send the kids to college.

Emily realizes she hasn't been on camera that much (aside from crying in the dugout). She tells Ben that she wants to focus on him and how she wants to drop the Courtney stuff. Then tells him that Courtney is a weirdo. He tells her to knock it off and she cries. No doubt, ABC is just keeping her on the show to build up this falls' Bachelorette.

At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Jennifer and Emily. Of course Emily gets the rose because ABC hasn't built up their soon to be Bachelorette. Jennifer is kicked off the show. She cries in the van and the boogers come rolling down with the tears. Again it's drawn out. She says she wants to just find someone to love. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

As the credits roll, Ben and Kacie are shown getting into a steel tub full of melted chocolate. I don't know why this didn't make it to the show. Did Ben spontaneously decide to do this?

God, he's so spontaneous.

Don't F#@k With Me. I'm A Nice Person!

In case you didn't catch it last review, the group is headed to Park City, Utah. ABC flies Ben separately from the girls so he doesn't see how they clear out the airplane's liquor cart. He flies in his own helicopter to what looks like the middle of nowhere and hangs out by a creek. Ben mentions having fun with his dead father by the creek. Meanwhile, the women pretend they know how Park City is and act excited while boarding the plane.

ABC...er...Ben says he's flown the girls to Utah to expose them to some outdoor adventure. This is probably the first sincere thing that has been said this season. I can tell that you're saying, "But Kyle! HE SAID HE WANTS THEM TO HAVE FUN OUTDOORS!!! LOL!" That's a load of crap. What I'm saying is that he's probably right in the assumption that the closest thing these girls have ever done adventurous outdoors is when they stopped to take a leak at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods store.

Side note: to write that last sentence, I paused the video. I paused it and again Elyse is making this face:

Last week, I mentioned how she made this face:

Does this woman ever have her mouth shut on camera?

Kacie B. says, "Whenever I look outside, I think this is the perfect place to fall in love." She's looking at mountains and a giant forest when saying this. I bet ABC is disappointed knowing full well they could have stuffed them in a log cabin tonight for 1/10 of the cost of this hotel suite and gotten the same result.

After Chris Harrison plugs the hotel, he once again explains the rules of the competition in season 16.

Camel Cigarettes Rachel gets the first date and this pisses off Kacie B. Kacie complains about how she didn't get the date and then leans off camera. I thought she was going to start heaving airplane liquor off the balcony, but it didn't happen. She was just upset and the producers told her she hasn't cried enough. So, she does just that.

Ben picks up the walking lung cancer in a helicopter and ABC makes sure it lifts off in front of the suite's window. The girls are told to act surprised to see a helicopter. Ben and Rachel steal a local's canoe and make out in the middle of the water with a bunch of bugs around them. I don't know about you, but any time I am out by a lake or pond, I am constantly swatting these annoying flies away. These two don't have time for that. They continue stick each other's tongues down each others throats, crushing the flies between them.

It's so romantic.

After they decide they've eaten enough bugs with their tongue bath, the come ashore and have a picnic; complete with champagne. They share many awkward moments that were even awkward for me to watch. Later on, they have dinner in a hut. Rachel shoots down one of Ben's jokes and he fires back by basically hinting that he wants to dump her for not opening up. She interrupts him and blabs on about herself. Because Ben knows he's got psychological edge on her, he gives her a rose. They walk outside to a fully roaring fire and eat marshmallows. That's bugs, champagne and now marshmallows flowing through their organs in the middle of the woods. Have fun wiping with pine cones.

Ben then approaches the girls on a horse for the group date. Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces For Make-Up is overjoyed with this. She always looks like she's desperately trying to hold in a fart whenever she talks.

I rest my case.

They go to another stream and find out they're fly fishing. The girls pretend they're excited about going into fish-infested water. Kacie, once again, complains about seeing Ben with other girls ON A GAME SHOW THAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR. I thought this girl was the odds on favorite so far, but she's coming across as annoying. She's annoying and she's on this show. I'm annoyed. I hate this show.

Courtney gets paid by ABC to start problems within the group. She looks like the very fish she's trying to catch. She lures (no pun intended, but she does belong on the end of a fishing line and nibbled on by a shark) over to a remote part of the stream and acts (probably not) like she doesn't know what she's doing. Conveniently, she catches a fish and Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces For Make-up gets mad. Bear Grylls would be super proud.

The girls attempt to make a pact that they don't interrupt each other's time with Ben. 3 seconds later Nicki realizes she has no soul and interrupts Casey T.'s 1 on 1 session. Nicki doesn't have any dead family members to mention so she talks about her dead boss. Ben replies with how one of his friends died. Because they talk about death and feel a connection, they make out.

Samantha, who I've never heard speak prior to this but sounds like her helium is currently sitting in her voice box with Occupy Voice Box signs, complains to Ben about how she doesn't understand what group dates are. Ben tells her she's a jerk and tells her she should leave. She cries because she's not going to be on camera anymore and is gone.

For the next 1 on 1 date, Ben chooses Jennif....Kacie steals Ben and again she complains to Ben about, you guessed it, how he's hanging out with other girls and how it's hard on her. They make out in an elevator.

The producers tell all the girls to strip down to their bikinis and get in the warm pool and drink lots of alcohol. The warmth thins their blood causing them to get more drunk...faster. ABC can then spend less on alcohol. Thank you, 8th grade health class.

Ben grabs Courtney in front of the girls and they go somewhere and make out. Courtney runs through the lines that the producers have given her. Because she's the only one making this season any sort of interesting, and because they paid a lot of money for her to be a bitch, ABC/Ben give Courtney a rose.

Jennifer finally gets to go on her date with Ben. They go to a giant 300 foot deep crater in the ground and Ben tells her they're going to hang above it and then drop. Jennifer mentions how terrified of heights she is, and the producers rejoice. They both strip down to their bathing suits and make the jump. I don't know how the camera guy got down there, but he films them as they start to make out. Later on they eat dinner and it starts to rain. They try to run back to the resort to avoid the rain but talk about how much they love it. Everything is lovable on the show. Once they get inside, Ben tells her how he loves trying to make her pee her pants while jumping into craters and gives her a rose.

Another musician's plug happens as there is a random concert in the middle of nowhere with a few hundred people watching. Jennifer says "It's amazing that Ben would set this up for me." I hate this show.

Time for everyone to get smashed! Emily tells Ben she's sick and tired of Courtney being around. Ben tells Emily that she's going to meet her demise and she smiles. She then complains more about Courtney and Casey defends her because ABC wants more cat fights. Casey and Courtney talk and Courtney yells, "Don't f#@k with me, I'm a nice person!"

That was my pick up line in bars from 2007-2009.

All of the girls sit down. Courtney and Emily sit on opposite sides of the room. The two trade verbal shots at eachother and the cameras show shots of the rest of the girls and it looks like their eyes are watching a ping pong match of hate. Monica pulls Emily aside and tells her to pick her teeth with her bones. (I'm sure. They just didn't show it on camera.)

At the rose ceremony, Monica is shown the snowy limo. To fill her crying clause, she complains about how she can't find love and cries.

Maybe she should stop flashing gang symbols to invisible people.

If you think I'm being hard on Monica, don't f#@k with me. I'm a nice person.

Bachelor Review - Risking Death Together Brings Everlasting Love

It's time for more misery known as watching The Bachelor. Just so you know, the Ravens-Patriots game is on right now. If you're reading this while football is on, I'm sorry.

To start this weeks disaster, we're reminded again that Ben is from Sonoma and that this place is his home. Today, they're headed to San Francisco, which is near Sonoma, which is where Ben lives and where one of these girls may live. Because Ben is never leaving Sonoma.

Ben first starts off with talking to his sister over drinks. She asks him what it's like being on the "other side of things". As if we haven't been told enough by Ben how weird it is, ABC wants us to be reminded again. Then Ben tells his sister about how he's been making out with all the girls. I'm sure his sister is proud of this. I, for one, felt awkward.

Ben's sister than tells him that "you never now where you'll find love." It's true, even a fabricated game show has it's chance for you to find love...for 3 months.

Chris Harrison re-explains the rules of the game show to the girls in season 16. That's right, 15 season prior to this, no one knows the rules. Just now, we all have to be reminded. He then leaves the date card and we find out that Emily was chosen by Ben. Emily reveals she is afraid of heights which no doubt means she is going to be doing something that will involve a ridiculous amount of height. Again, ABC producers high-fiving eachother in the spirit of being cold. One of the girl teases Emily by saying they're going sky-diving. She follows this with a taunting face:

Above: Bot-ox gone wrong.

Turns out Emily's worst nightmare has come true. Ben joins Emily and tells her they're going to climb a the Bay Bridge in San Francisco. He tells us that just climbing bridges and risking death together will only help a relationship. I hope that Emily heard this too.

They get about half way up the bridge and Emily starts to have a panic attack. The producers have to be drunk off their psychological warfare at this point. To help her overcome her fear of the situation, Ben grabs her and they start to make-out. Emily then uses a metaphor saying that a bridge brings two people together and that's what this has done for her and Ben and they make it to the top where they continue to make out. Then they probably puked realizing they're almost 600 feet in the air and a kiss doesn't mean shit when you've slipped and fallen from there.

At dinner, Emily talks about online dating, posting nude pictures of herself on the website and how she's compatible with her brother. Ben gives her the date rose and they make out underneath fireworks. Emily pretends that she didn't know about the fireworks. Bachelor-Make-Out-Session-Under-Fireworks-Quota filled.

Ben then takes a group of 11 girls out for a date, including Monica. After a shameless advertisement of the new Honda XRV and it's new features, the group walks up to a section of a street where a ski hill with snow has been created. At first, I thought to myself they should have just had the group go somewhere with real ski hills. My only thought as to why they didn't do this is because 1) This is San Francisco and this is Ben's home. He grew up here. and 2) it means the girls can't ski in bikini's in cold weather.

The girls strip down to the ultra-revealing bikinis that they all conveniently had on prior to being surprised. Monica finishes carving her skis out of human bones. Nicki says that Ben is so hot, that the snow he touched melted. It's either that or it's summer and 85 degrees in San Francisco.

The rest of the girls in the hotel room start sizing each other up. Brittney gets the second date card and the rest of the girls surround her like a pack of wolves and interrogate her. Brittney reveals she's not that happy with getting the date card and ultimately decides she needs to cry on camera and then leaves. Rachel The Camel cigarettes advertisement on the show receives the group date rose.

With Brittney's date now off, Lying Horse Woman ends up getting the date. They start a date that can only be described as a crime spree. First, they stop at an ice cream parlor with a long line. They cut everyone in line and walk right into the kitchen and demand ice cream. After that, they go to San Francisco's City Hall. Of course it's after hours, but Ben shows that he has stolen a key. Lying Horse Woman, shocked that he'd be able to do this, says "Who is this guy?" I yelled out "Bitch, he's a criminal! RUN AWAY NOW!" Then, I remember this woman is called Lying Horse Woman for a reason and I understand why she's so impressd. Coincidentally, a band is practicing in the building as well and they play a song for the two and they start to make out.

For dinner, they go to an old speak-easy which you can only access with a password and/or ABC's money. Lying Horse Woman talks about being dumped over a text message and how she thought it was awesome in doing so. Ben said he thinks it's awesome that she got dumped that way too.

ABC then throws the biggest twist to date at us. Because Brittney conveniently left (and/or got paid off), ABC calls Shawntel and tells her to pretend she has feelings for Ben. They get all of the girls nice and hammered and then have Shawntel walk into the room. A few of the girls pretend they don't know who she is, then once someone says "it's the funeral director," everyone magically remembers everything about her. Shawntel goes right for the throat and steals Ben from the girls. They all watch as she asks Ben to spend the next few weeks making out with her.

She then walks inside to the alcohol-fueled room. They all interrogate her, telling Shawntel that she doesn't know Ben and therefore can't have any feelings for him. Meanwhile, the rest of the girls have known Ben for all but 3 weeks and totally can be in love already.

Tears and rage start to flow. All of the girls say they know that Ben will see through Shawntel's lies, yet talk about leaving if he picks her. Chris Harrison walks on camera and tells the girls to stop with the bull because the rose ceremony is going to be tonight.

Ben gives the first rose to Courtney. She tells him that he's an ass for even talking to Shawntel. Good job, Courtney. Way to score points with the guy by telling him he's an idiot.

With only one rose left, Erica tries to get a last ditch attempt at attention by fainting on camera. After she's realized that she's got the full attention of Ben, she then gets back up and acts totally fine.

ABC, realizing that they overpaid to have Shawntel come back, tells Ben that he will not be giving out the final rose to any of the remaining girls, including the fake fainter and Shawntel.

Ben talks to Erica for a minute and then leaves her on a bench. He then reveals to the girls that they're going to Park City, Utah. The girls cheer in happiness, but no doubt none of them know where Utah is.

Shawntel cries and tells us that she feels embarrassed because she got rejected. I don't have any sympathy for her. She should know that talking about a dead parent is a lock to advance and she didn't do this. She should be more embarrassed about that than anything else.

By the way, New England is going back to the super bowl.

Stripping Yourself Down To Your Underwear In Front Of Children

I watch this show streaming on the internet. Due to viewing restrictions, I attempted to see if the episode was on YouTube. Unfortunately I couldn't find it, but the number 1 result was a video of a group of women watching The Bachelor. Are you kidding me? One of them actually thought that showing them watching the show would be entertaining?

I'm not kidding. Look it up.

Ben returns home and jumps into a truck and talks about his dead father and how he wishes that he was there to judge the women. It's a classic Bachelor move, yet I'm sure his father would say

"get rid of 'em" and is probably saying that from the heavens above.

ABC, err, Ben invites all 18 women to his hometown, which is Sonoma. Ben lives in Sonoma and they're in his home town. For starters, they show the 18 sluts on a plane laughing and having a good time, mentioning how they're headed to Sonoma. I'd imagine that they all have drained the drink cart of all it's liquor, while headed to Sonoma.

Just in case you forgot, Ben lives in Sonoma.

Sonoma.

Kacie gets the first date card. Ben takes Kacie out for a night to explore, you guess it, Sonoma. Kacie talks about how she can be herself around Ben. He buys her a steel lunchbox. Kacie pretends that she forgot to buy something and runs back into the small store and buys a baton. For a moment, I thought she was going to come out and beat Ben with it, but she instead hides it from him. He comments by saying, "What have you got there?" She replies with "...Nothing..."

I wonder what Ben would've thought of Kacie walked out with a gun? Would he be nervous? How about a knife? What if it were a knife and she showed it to him? Would that dissolve his nervousness? What if she licked the blade and said "Having fun yet?" I'm guessing if she mentioned she was in Sonoma, Ben would be fine with it....

She reveals to Ben that she use to twirl a baton when she was a kid. They walk into the middle of the street and she tries to teach him how to twirl it. Why they had to do this in the middle of the street, I don't know. But I was hoping a random car drove past them and the driver gave them the finger.

Ben and Kacie walk around the corner and Ben revels her to the restaurant that they're going to be eating at. It's funny because there are hardly any people in Sonoma. It almost looked like the set of a zombie movie. How I wish a horde of blood thirsty zombies attacked the couple.

Then then sit down for dinner and talk about Ben's parents and Kacie reveals that she's a hopeless romantic. He says he needs to meet the south, but will never move anywhere else. He wants to stay in Sonoma. He gives Kacie a rose, because he wants her to stay in Sonoma. Because Sonoma is where he lives. Sonoma is his home.

They then make their way to an empty movie theatre, because they're not contractually obligated to watch a movie with other people in the room. They watch old home movies of themselves when they were babies. Because nothing says "falling in love" like watching yourself in a poopy diaper with the one you "love". They get emotional over Ben's dead father. Kacie cries as she talks about how emotional it was. They quickly get over it and make out.

A date card arrives at the house and we find out that 11 women will be going on a group date with Ben. The camera shows each person as their name is called out. Monica is included in this list and while the other girls smile, Monica appears to flash a gang symbol to an invisible friend. She's insane.

Ben once again reminds us that Sonoma is a really small town and community and family important to him. I know this joke is overused, but if this was a drinking game and the phrase "small town that is dear to me" is the trigger phrase, I'd be calling in hung over for a month.

The group date is Ben making the women act with kids in a play. Once again, we're reminded that they're in Sonoma as one girl has "Sonoma" on her shirt. Ben mentions how this small town is based on families. The kids then talk about dancing sexy and the big chested women. I hope someone went to jail for this.

"I'm so excited for this. This was a production by 5th and 7th graders. I mean, their imaginations? They're not like adults, they're way cooler than us." You got that right, Monica. She then swallows the souls of one of the children.

Ben and the girls act out an entire play after only reciting lines for at best, a couple of hours. Ben then shows a room full of audience members (aka children) how to kiss multiple women and then strips down to his underwear.

Again, I hope someone went to jail for this.

They all meet up back at Ben's house and drink incredible amounts of alcohol. The producers place the rose on the table. It's like putting fresh meat into a tank of sharks. Blakeley starts to tell the other girls how she's going to get the night's rose. Samantha runs away and cries about Blakeley. Courtney, clearly inebriated, talks about how she's going to make out with Ben. The other girls get mad. They show how mad they are by getting in their bikinis and drinking more in a pool.

Jennifer, who I am pretty sure has not been on camera for more than 3 seconds prior to this segment, decides to earn her paycheck, I mean, develop a relationship. She drags Ben to an indoor part of the pool. This seemingly random encounter is lined with candles around the pool. They make out. The producers tell her to go away and tell Blakeley to go and make out with Ben right in front of Jen. They then tell Ben to give the rose to Blakeley in front of all of the girls to piss them off more.

Ben brings his dog to meet the girls. The dog runs right past them; concluding they can smell evil. They get the dog to howl in the woods and then make out while he howls. It's a touching moment.

They eat dinner in the middle of a vineyard. The conversation goes like this:

"It's tough to find someone."

"Yeah. It's tough."

"Yeah."

"It's tough."

'Yeah."

"Yeah. Tough."

"Yeah."

He gives her a rose and she rubs it against herself. It just gets awkward.

Lying Horse Girl tells Ben she wears dirt as make-up. That's not a joke. She prides herself as growing up on a farm and with horses and said she used dirt as make-up. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 99% chance horse poop was on her face at some point.

Blakelely pounds back another bottle of wine and destroys a date.

Bad Love Advice Jenna tells Ben she's a guy. She then slurs her words to the camera and cries. Somewhere, ABC producers are high-fiving each other and figuring out what else they could do to get Bad Love Advice Jen to have a mental breakdown. It's working. She's saying she's a dude.

Ben find Blakeley in the fetal position hiding in the corner, telling Ben everything is fine. Ben finds Bad Love Advice Jenna hiding underneath a blanket in the bedroom. I was waiting for one of the girls to be hiding in a closet talking about how good blades of grass taste.

Bad Love Advice Jenna gets kicked off. She blurts out random phrases to the camera as she...wait for it...cries. Congratulations to ABC again. I think we can officially say she had a meltdown.

Bachelor Ben Flajnik - Monica said "Douche"

If you clicked on this link, you're probably wondering what a 26 year old male is doing watching what is absolutely the worst show on television.

I don't know.

Enough with explaining. Let's move on:

ABC loves to link together seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette like they're the game "Barrel Of Monkeys". I liked that game. A good one from my childhood. This show is awful. Therefore, it's destroying my childhood. Stupid ABC.

Last Bachelorette season involved a man named Ben Flajnik being denied by one of the worst people on this planet. Ben is an interesting character as he looks like the love child of J.P Losman and the guy from Law And Order. I can't think of his name right now, maybe I'll look it up later.

It's going to prove to be an interesting season. Interesting because most of the girls probably haven't thought about practicing writing the name "Flajnik"on any checks yet. I wonder if they told them this, they'd reconsider being on the show. Banks don't usually like to cash checks with a bunch of crossed out attempts at writing a name on it.

Now, onto the recap:

"I'm still lacking that person. That someone I was searching for in the last go. But the months that have followed, I've had some time to reflect. And I know what I'm looking for."

Those were the words spoken by Ben in the God awfully long voice over in the beginning. Ben is apparently looking for a money/fame seeking whore to spend the greatest 5 month marriage of his life with. Looks like you came to the right place, Ben.

ABC ships out Chris Harrison to review how hard it is to drop to one knee and get denied marriage by a woman. I paused my video and this exact point and found it to be funny:

Now we get to meet a few of the more interesting sluts of the show:

Lindzi - Age 27

Lindzi says she's 26 in the intro, but the text says she's 27. She looks much too old to be 26 or 27 and if I were ABC, I would check her drivers license. She loves horses and has been riding them since before she was able to walk. I wonder if her parents were involved in this. Child Protection should investigate. I've come to the conclusion everything about this woman should be investigated. From here on out, I'm calling her "Lying Horse Woman."

Amber T. - Age 28

Again, the text says 29. ABC needs to double check their writers for this show. Amber talks about how good she is with a shotgun and loves the outdoors. She also mentioned a strong desire to bring Ben to her home town for deer meat and beef nuts. I hope she lasts long enough for him to meet her family and they have beef nuts as promised. And by "beef nuts", they mean "fried cow balls". This is the price you pay for being on The Bachelor, Ben.

Casey Age 24

Casey says she's 24 years old. So they got one right. Casey talks about how much she enjoyed watching Ben on The Bachelorette. She must have enjoyed all the times he and Ashley made out.

Courtney - Age 28

Correct age in the text. This girl brags about how she's a model and you can just tell that she thinks her sh!t doesn't smell. "I've been a fake bride modeling so many times. I may be a real bride soon." If she thinks this show is the best way to be a "real" bride, she has more fingers than IQ points.

Jamie - Age 25

Jamie started off seemingly like she was a sincerely good person. Then she started to cry about taking care of her family when her mom couldn't do it and her dad wasn't there. It seemed forced. She's a fraud and a hack. Undoubtedly she’ll last awhile on the show.

Lyndsie - Age 29

Lyndsie is originally from London, but now resides in Arizona. Lyndsie wastes our time by showing a montage of all the different wardrobes she has from all over the world and all the languages she can speak. I'm guessing this is an attempt to get us to think she's smart. Again, she went on this show.

Jenna - Age 27

Jenna lets us know that she's a freelance writer who lives in New York City. She says she writes about love and how to get it. I'm assuming that she is totally broke and horrible at her job. If she was good at it, she wouldn't be on this show trying to find a fake forced love, nor talk in her intro about how she's always dated horrible men.

Now will be known as Bad Love Advice Jenna.

Shawn - Age 28

Shawn talks about her kid and how she wants a father figure in his life. It's a Bachelor signature move and guarantees she will be around for a good run like the ‘09-'10 Flyers.

Nicki - Age 26

Just makes stupid faces throughout her intro (as seen above). They then show her chopping onions and then a brief moment of a dog eating something off of the floor. Onions are poison for dogs. I’m calling PETA tomorrow.

Ben and Chris sit down and talk about his denial again. We're only 20 minutes into the show and the exact same story has been told 3 times now. It’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m fast forwarding through it.

It's finally time for Ben to meet the 25 women for his Kardashian-timed marriage. I'm not going to review everyone. Just the notable ones:

Erika tells Ben how she's a law student. She pulls some corny line about how he's guilty of being sexy. I wish I could go back to when I met my wife and hope that she used that line on me.

Jenna comes out and they share an awkward moment. She then tells him she loves a quote he said in the last season and then butchers the quote when repeating it. Sounds to me like it meant a lot to her. She then talks about how she slaughtered it to the other girls in the house. She then says, "she should just die" or something. I don't know. I don't remember what the exact quote was. Now I want to die too.

Shira tries to tell Ben she knows everything about wine and asks him to ask her anything about it. He does and she admits she knows nothing. Is anyone else noticing a trend with these sluts?

ABC then decides to mix things up and they pay a 72 year old actress to come onto the show to throw Ben a curve ball. You can tell he's really trying to be nice while thinking "What the F$^#!? inside. When she reveals she's there to introduce Ben to her granddaughter, who is an attractive woman, yet presumably the Devils spawn, he lets out a "REALLY!?" with a sign of relief. So Grandma gets to chill with her granddaughter in a house full of fame-seeking frauds. I wonder if she’ll get to go on the dates with Ben and her granddaughter, Brittany. I wonder if she’s going to be there when they’re on their 1-on-1 dinner dates. I wonder if she’ll be there when they start making out. This will be the most awkwardly fantastic moment in the history of television. I hate this show.

Lyndsie makes fun of her butt crack chin.

Lying Horse Woman defies logic (and by "logic", I mean "sanity") by riding a horse up to the house to meet Ben. I don't think I need to really make a joke here. This woman is a joke in of herself. Not only does she have a history of lying about her age, now we know she's also lying about herself. What woman would think smelling like horse shit would be a good first impression? Creative? No. Insane? Yes. "Insane Lying Horse Woman".

Rachel, who sounds like she's smoked one million Camel cigarettes in her day, is the first to take Ben alone in a staged 1 on 1. She reveals to him that she quit her job to come on this show. She adds "No pressure." to the end of that. Making the only thing with pressure right now is my bloodlines. I'm being harsh about the one million cigarettes. 5 Million.

Ben then sits down with Brittany and The Old Paid Actress. The other women start to get testy and drunk and criticize the move of bringing a wrinkled woman. One of them suggests that she just did it to make herself look young and beautiful. The claws are slowly coming out, people.And by "claws" I mean "grain alcohol". I've used that joke too much.

He then accompanies the Old Paid Actress out to the limo to see her on her way. There's a voice over of the Old Paid Actress saying that Ben is sincere and she's proud of her daughter. She's known Ben for a matter of minutes. Does she know what happens to these fools after the season is over?

Emily, a blonde who is definitely a paid infidel looking to stir things up, raps for Ben. She's a blonde bimbo who raps about love. She's probably has had a moderately successful modeling career, and is going to spend the next couple weeks flying in helicopters on tropical islands and getting shitfaced in a mansion all on ABC's tab. Street, yo.

Speaking of big boobed, fake, plastic blonde bullshit, Monica is insane. 100% chance she was paid by ABC to go onto this show. But instead of them telling her to stir things up, they just gave the drunken fool with 13 DWI's to their name the keys to all the cars in the dealership and said, "Have fun." She tells the Bad Love Advice Jenna she's just hear to have fun and doesn't care at all about Ben. She has no feelings for him. She's here for the booze and to cook rats on dinner candles.

For a brief moment, I thought this show was going to be awesome: Monica then gets lesbian on Blakeley. And when I say lesbian, I mean LES-BI-AN. She starts to lay on her and everything. I changed the channel and changed back to make sure I didn't change the channel to a free weekend of Cinemax or something. Bad Love Advice Jenna starts to get upset because Monica told her off and starts to cry.

Everyone gets drunk and starts to cry their tears into their empty cups. Monica then drinks their tears and sacrifices a goat. (Probably.)

Ben gives Lying Horse Woman the First Impression Rose. Her horse is probably peeing with joy somewhere.

A bunch of women are shipped off that barely made it on camera. The only one really worth noting is the Lyndsie. She said she felt like "such a loser; an absolute failure" because she got kicked off of the show. That's right, the woman who's traveled world throughout her life, learned multiple languages and cultural practices decided losing out on a 6 month marriage made her a failure.

There is no way you're still reading this far down,but Benjamin Bratt is the name of the guy from Law and Order.