Having A Mental Breakdown Gets You A Husband

So much drama, so many tears. So much hatred for Tierra. It's the Bachelor.

This week didn't start out with Sean working out and flexing his abs. Instead, ABC rolls out Harrison in a crisp purple shirt. He explains that Sean believes his future 5 month wife is in the room. Just like every Bachelor before him, Sean knows that 1 of his 16 girlfriends is the one.

Harrison leaves the date card and a bunch of girls smile. But before they can read it, we're treated with some abs. Sean isn't working out, but walking around in nothing but boxer briefs. It's getting really hard to find new material with this show. Welcome to The Bachelor, folks.

The date card gets read and Selma gets to go on the first date. She remarks how excited she is by saying, "I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level and then the next level and then...babies." Yep.

The other girls get mad but try to fake being positive. Leslie let's the tears flow as super sad music plays. She says she just wants to show Sean she's here for the right reasons. Which are furthering her 15 minutes of fame into a midnight poker show on ESPN. (She's a poker dealer. Don't hate. That's a reasonable guess.)

Sean picks up Selma in a limo. We're well into this season and the helicopter count is only at 1 so far and it's about to remain that way for the time being. ABC steps it up a notch by not flying the two by helicopter, but rather by private jet. Selma acts like it was Sean who rented this plane. We're 5 minutes in and I already threw my remote against the wall.

The plane finally lands in the middle of the desert and Selma passively claims that Sean is stereotyping her. She says, "I got the limo. I got the plane. And now...he took the Iraqi to the desert." She then complains about how she hates the heat and whines that she's in the desert some more.

Sean then puts on his sweet sunglasses and they hop into yet another Jeep. He takes her to Joshua Tree park. I looked up where this is because I have never heard of the place. It's in California. I don't know why they couldn't take a helicopter here. It would've saved ABC a lot of money.

They walk through the desert and Sean remarks that there are snakes around. Selma whines more about the heat and says she's starting to get "puffy". Sean then tells Selma he wants to take her up on a giant rock to get a better view. Keeping with the theme of the show, Selma asks/hopes they're taking a helicopter to the top but Sean tells her they're going to rock climb up. She looks up and complains more, but this time it's about how she hates heights. All she has done so far is complain about stuff on this date. She should've known better than to reveal to the producers that she hates heights during the audition. Of course they were going to and you know where I'm going with this.

Sean says he knows that Selma is going to have trouble with the climb. And, if need be, he'll strap her to his back and carry her up there. I really hope he attempts to do this because it'll probably result in her whining about how he's taking too long or something. Then maybe he'll drop her. I hope it's not high enough for her to fall to her death, just...you know....break a tibia.

Selma complains more about how she's super nervous as she's climbing. She then claims she has some sort of adrenaline rush and Sean somehow encourages her by saying, "this is tougher than it looks, huh?"

Sean then repeatedly asks how she is able to climb up so fast. Lots of swearing happens and they both pant in exhaustion as super dramatic music plays. The rest of it is kind of boring, but once they reach the top Selma claims she could only do it because Sean encouraged her. Whatever.

Sean then tells her how impressed he was with her accomplishment and then says they're going to go and get washed up and go out to dinner. I'm not exactly sure where they wash up in the middle of the desert because it shows them in changed clothes and not sweaty. Maybe they had a bunch of interns throw bottled water on them.

Sean takes her down a dirt road and there is no light. They go into a trailer park that looks like it was designed by a 14 year old girl. There is a bunch of trailer homes that have hot pink paint and leopard printed couches in them. Then they go and sit on a bed in the middle of the trailer park and talk. I was hoping a no-toothed, John Deere mesh hat wearing, Nascar fanatic was going to emerge out of one of the trailers and take a piss in the pool right next to them. But it never happens.

Selma talks about how she grew up in a very strict home where they weren't allowed to do much. She talks about how she wasn't even able to date. I'm sure her parents were so happy to hear how she was going on a show to date a guy with 25 other girlfriends. She then talks about how her mom would "die" if she was seen on national television kissing a dude. They end up not making out and Sean gets kind of creepy when he tries to convince her to allow him to kiss her. He's rubbing her arm a lot. He then complains about how he wants to kiss her, but can't. He gives her the rose even though. I'm convinced her days on this show are numbered. Why? Because when it comes to the overnight dates and the heavy petting, it's going to be a problem that he can't do the no pants dance.

Next is the group date. The girls chosen for the group date get into a limo and drink orange juice spiked with vodka because it's early in the morning. Lindsay says she thinks they're going to be hamsters for a day...or something. The girls walk into a warehouse and get told that they're going to be participating in a roller derby bout. Amanda, the weird girl who didn't speak a lot, totally uses a strategy that Vince Lombardi would shit his pants over. When asked if she's ever done roller derby before she say yes, and then reveals to the camera she never did, but said yes to psyche the other team out. It's a super clever move and I'm sure she'll see how effective it was when she gets hip checked and flips over a rail to the hardwood floor.

We're then treated to a series of shots of girls who fall while trying to roller skate. One Armed Girl cries because she realizes that this is going to be problem for her. AshLEE tries to assure her that she can do it. Sean then comes over and tells her he knows that she can do it, and she says that it gave her the right motivation to do so.

Amanda continues her psychotic ways by randomly laughing and giving evil looks. She says she's proud of freaking out the other team and then she finds a dead rat and bites it's head of. Not really, but I'm sure it crossed her mind.

Then out of nowhere, Amanda falls and hits her chin on the floor. This isn't shown on the camera. Sean, quick to console her, comes over and asks the girl who's holding her chin, "Where does it hurt?" She eventually goes to the hospital and Sean tells the rest of the girls they're not going to do roller derby anymore, but rather just skate around while 80's music plays. It's kind of a disappointment. ABC lied to me when they showed the girls playing roller derby in the teaser to start the show. I scissor kicked my wall.

They group then get dressed up and start to drink alcohol. They reminisce about their day and Sean pulls One Armed Girl aside to talk. The rest of the girls continue to drink and tension rises as Tierra complains about not being with Sean. Amanda comes back and she and Sean go in front of a picnic table on fire. Amanda says she's going to use the sympathy card for this conversation and the Sean kisses her on her chin. She then says she wishes she injured her tonsils so she could lick his face or something. I don't know what's going on anymore. Thanks for reading this far.

Leslie H finally can finally stop crying as she gets to go on the second 1 on 1 date. She's given a pair of earrings and it would have been awesome if she just rook them and left, completely back firing the producer's plan. But she didn't.

Back to the group date (you following me camera guy!?) Tierra and Robyn start to get into an alcohol induced argument. The rest of the girls disperse and Tierra whines about Robyn being immature to One Armed Girl. She then gets up and walks away from the group and says she wants to leave. She then goes and searches for Sean who is too busy making out with another one of his girlfriends.

She then has a nervous breakdown on camera and snorts while she talks. Conveniently, she's right at the door where Sean is walking out to the pool. She takes him aside and whines about how she deserves better than dating a guy who has 15 other girlfriends. Sean tells her he knows what she's going through and then walks back to the group and grabs the rose because the producers told him to. The rest of the girls drop their jaws in shock. I scream at my TV "SEAN! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD SEES!? COME ON!"

Leslie H has a giant mouth. I think I mentioned that in a previous review, but she really does. She dismisses all perception of her being shallow by saying she would rather have Sean for the rest of her life than the diamond earring ABC gave her. When they walk outside, Leslie let's out a "URHMAHGAWD!" that sounds like a seal in labor when she sees they're going to be driving in a sports car.

Sean parks on the side of the street with red paint on it. I'm pretty sure he parked in the fire truck zone. I hope a fire truck comes along and they have to ram his car to get the spot.

He tells Leslie they're going to go shopping for some clothes and she pretends like it's Sean funding the trip. They go into a store that is shut down just for them. Leslie tries on a bunch of dresses and then tries on shoes. They dance in the middle of the store and Leslie says, "Sean is a blond hair, blue eyed Richard Gere. And I am a tan Julia Roberts." If this is the way to win over a girl, my new pick up line is going to be "Hey, I'm a not shitty Tom Cruise. Want to go on a eat?" Chicks will be falling head over heard for me.

Then they go to a jewelry shop and super happy music plays as Leslie tries on a necklace that probably costs more than most countries. Leslie says for the 14 millionth time that she's in a fairytale. She then says she can't believe that Sean would be willing to buy all of this stuff for her. This girl is getting annoying.

Then they go to a giant building to eat dinner, but they're never really shown eating. Leslie H talks about her past relationships and the conversation is really boring. Sean talks about how great Leslie H is and then talks about how he can't see himself with her. It makes sense. Shattering some one's dreams is what all of The Bachelor is about.

They walk outside and Leslie H looks super mad. She gets into the limo Sean walks back in and some random musicians start to play a break up song, which makes sense when you know this show isn't scripted and in no way was this planned.

Next is the cocktail party. First, Sean takes AshLEE aside and tells her that even when he's not with her and making out with one of his 16 girlfriends, he's still thinking about her. Then they make out.

Robyn then gets time with Sean and asks him if he wants to try chocolate. I lol'd because she didn't mean the chocolate that she was holding, she meant she wanted to suck face with him.

There is absolutely no reason to watch this show.

Tierra walks back in the room and complains to Amanda while she has a metal cast on her finger. She then takes Robyn and Jacquie aside so she can fake apologize to them. Her brilliant way of apologizing for the way she acted on the group date is by saying, "You attacked me" to Robyn. Robyn gets mad and fires back by saying, "you acted like I don't even exist when I try to talk to you." As you can tell, the Full House sentimental moment of embracing each other is going very well.

Sean then takes Tierra to talk and the rest of the girls get together to complain about her. Sean tells Tierra that she's insecure and she tells him he's wrong. He then says to the camera that her telling him that he's wrong is a great way for him to know she's a good person and he wants to get to know her more.

Catherine gets to talk to Sean next and Sean pulls an index card from her legging. I was hoping it was an flash card like I use to make back in 5th grade for tests, but it's just a lip stick kiss. Catherine then asks Sean to go for a walk so the rest of the girls can't steal him from her. They walk out to the front of the house and talk about how comfortable they are with each other, but the conversation seems forced and really awkward. Then they make out and there's tons of slurping. I wish I had a Slurpee right now. Blueberry is the best, but I'm a big fan of mixing flavors.

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean gives a dumb speech. It's kind of boring so I remember I need to get socks out of the dryer. When I come back he's still talking. Sean is long winded. I'm just ready for this episode to be over.

Amanda gets dumped by Sean. She says she didn't expect to get dumped this quick and then starts to cry. My guess is that she probably should've not acted like such a psycho in her short time here.

The previews for next week are an absolute horror. ABC decides they hate all mankind by revealing that there will be TWO episodes of this show next week, two night in a row. Also, Tierra apparently freezes or something. Or she's crazy. I think she's crazy.

During the credits, Sean does a great endorsement for Jeep by failing to get their vehicle going. He swears everytime the car stalls. Selma then says, "your brakes are on!" Sean says right in the camera, "don't tell anyone."

Yep. See you for two episodes next week. I hate everything.

Don't Ever Read My Name On A Date Card As A Joke

What better way to celebrate a Sabres 2-1 victory over the Maple Leafs than to make another wonderful entry about the worse show on television? As you can see, I set my standards of happiness very, very low in life.

THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR YET! I don't know if you remember that, but I do.

Once again, this week's episode starts off with tons of Sean working out without a shirt on. Sweaty abs-a-plenty. This weeks dose of Sean working out wasn't nearly as long as last week's. I noticed he's wearing the same shorts as last week, so I'm pretty sure they just used extra footage from it.

We're also reminded someone is going to get taken away on a stretcher tonight. 

After sweaty abs, we go to the house where Harrison re-explains the rules of the scripted dumpster fire of a show. One fake 1 on 1 date, a date where a bunch of women try to make out with Sean within minutes of each other, then another fake 1 on 1 date.Harrison then leaves the date card. Robyn, the one who is questioning of the blonde haired, blue eyed Sean likes black women starts out the quotes strong by saying, "I hope that the date card says, 'Robyn, let's ditch these bitches and go find love for real."

Needless to say, I hate my life right now.

Lesley M gets the first 1 on 1 date and wears a doily for clothing. Sean takes The Doily to The Guiness World Records Museum where Sean reveals that his dad holds the record for driving to each of the 48 states in a record amount of time. If I were Sean, I wouldn't be happy about this. I'd say "Thanks to my dad being a selfish glory hog, I never had a father growing up."

Sean then takes her out to the front of the museum where Harrison and a large group of people stand and cheer. Lesley M says she doesn't know what's going on, but Harrison reveals that they're going to try and break the world record for the longest on screen kiss.

I think Lesley M's odds just went up with winning this. If she doesn't win and Sean picks another girl, I can't imagine how that marriage would go. My guess is it would be something like "Sean, I love you." "Oh baby, I love you too. Hey, remember that I hold a world record with another girl and making out on that show that you were on too?" "We're getting a divorce."

Lesley M talks about how Hollywood is "one of the craziest places in America." I've been to Hollywood, it's really not. It's nothing more than the Walk Of Fame and a bunch of homeless people sitting outside of souvenir shops. Now that I think about it, there are no homeless people on camera throughout this scene. My guess is ABC producers sent out interns to clear the area. Good job getting that on the resume.

They finally start sticking their tongues down each other's throat and the cameraman is entirely too close. The crowd, filled with everything from a guy who looks like Snoop Dog to children sit and watch and root on as we all see tongue. They filmed and showed the 3:16 seconds in it's entirety. I thought the record time would be a lot longer than 3 minutes and 15 seconds, but once they're about a minute into it, the crowd starts to get bored realizing they're on a hideous game show. To break the ice, Harrison asks a woman in the crowd if this is weird and we hear the word "awkward" used at least 14 times in a 10 second sequence. Harrison mentions how Sean "copped a feel" to a blonde woman in the crowd. Harrison is jealous of the tongue wrestling that's going on.

As I said, the cameras never cut away and this starts to get awkward. Even my cat left the room. But eventually they break the record and confetti flies everywhere. Sean mentions how excited he is to see where things go with Lesley. Meanwhile, he will be making out with other women later on in the show.

Later on in the night, they go up on top of the Hotel Roosevelt roof. It is said that Marilyn Monroe's ghost haunts this hotel. Sean and Lesley sit and talk about how Lesley was a nerd in high school and I was hoping that Marilyns ghost would come up and scare her and she fell off the side of the building. I don't wish any harm, I just don't want to watch this anymore.

The conversation starts to get weird and Sean says, "you're one of those people I feel like I've known for years." And, not to be outdone, Lesley says "Oh my Gosh I think that's the greatest compliment you could give me." Nope. Not "hey you have a great personality." or "You are beautiful." Nor "You look like you'll look good when we're on super market tabloid papers in 3 months." Nope, the best compliment he could give her is how he feels like she's someone he could have known since he had a squeaky voice and going through puberty.

Lesley M stumbles and says random words that make no sense with each other. She then basically says she's in love with him after knowing him for a week. Sean tells her to "take control back" and she leans over and they make out while cameramen circle around them. Super happy music plays. Sean ends up giving Lesley M a rose and she calls it the "elephant in the room." Sean really could have won be over by taking offense to this and throwing the rose off of the roof and leaving the building with middle fingers in the air. But instead he gives it to her and they make out some more while more confetti is thrown in the air.

Back at the house, the girls apparently never leave each other's sight. The next date card shows up and 242 girls are going on the group date, including the paid actress Tierra.

The group date starts off with Sean at the beach and in his sweet Ray Bans he watches 2 limos full of women meet up with him. The girls then throw around a football and it wrecks one girl in the face, Sean refers to his nose as a money maker and then strips off his shirt at the delight of the women. Harrison apparently teleports to their location as he just randomly appears in the middle of the group in a pink shirt and khaki pants (he doesn't believe in wearing shorts to the beach.) and he reveals they're going to play some beach volleyball. At first, I got excited because I thought maybe the ambulance comes due to an injury on the volleyball court. But then I remember it's someone laying on the stairs at the house, so my excitement lasts 2 seconds. Anyway,the winning team gets to stay with Sean and get 1 on 1 time with him while the losing team goes back to the house and thus having no time with him. There is high stakes. Why? BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR!

Now, you may think a bunch of women playing volleyball and jumping/diving around for a ball would be kind of a turn on. It's really not. The girls have slightly more volleyball skill than a group of termites. Lots of screaming and every girl mentions "this is about getting more time with Sean" every time they're on camera. . Super dramatic music plays for the final point and the blue team wins.

The red team turns into a sack full of tears because they didn't win. One girl says, "this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me." It's right above getting bitten in half by a shark, having your hair set on fire while inside the tank of a gas truck, and playing Monopoly with extremely competitive people. Then they all pile into a van with no windows and then cry some more.

 I'm actually quite shocked the ABC producers didn't have One Arm Girl on this date and playing volleyball. I'm sure they still don't have any souls, but I'm just shocked.

The Blue Team joins Sean back at "his house" and the girls brag about their victory. Then, Lindsay sits with Sean 1 on 1 and lays it on thick by talking about how Sean is psychic or something. She says he knows what she's thinking all the time. Then Lindsay and Sean make out and a super close up of Sean's tongue and lots of slurping. He then tells her he's excited to see where it goes and then sends her off so he can make out with Desiree.

Still, no ambulance and we're half way through this episode.

Desiree tries to explain to him that she's deeper than a girl in a bikini playing volleyball. She doesn't really explain how she's deeper which makes me think she's not deep at all. She just stutters through the conversation and then says she thinks they made a new connection. I hate this show.

The next date card gets read and Tierra pulls a super funny joke by saying Selma was going on the date with AshLEE, even though her name wasn't on there. The One Armed Girl takes offense to that and Tierra says it was just a joke. I don't know what's wrong with One Armed Girl, I lol'd.

Amanda, the crazy one who didn't talk at all last week, takes Sean aside and tells him that she is right for him and they will have fun if they get married. She then tells the guy who is currently dating 16 other women that she knows they're right for each other. 

Back in the group, Desiree talks about how fake Amanda is. She calls her "dark and creepy". When Amanda gets back to the group, Desiree and her take verbal jabs at each other and Squeaky Kacie B looks worried. She decides to take Sean aside to tell him what's going on and in no way is this her way of trying to get a couple women off of the show.

They go to the middle of space (no joke, they look like they're in outer space because there is nothing around them) and Kacie B tells Sean that Desiree and Amanda hate each other. Sean calls Kacie B out for being the one that comes to tell him about this. Kacie B. then tells him she's not a "drama person" yet she's throwing a gas can of drama on the situation fire. Sean then calls her a crazy person and basically tells her to stop talking. Kacie B talks about how she's afraid that Sean thinks she's crazy because he called her crazy and I can't take this anymore.

When they get back to the group, Sean gives the rose to Lindsay and Kacie B. cries. She then says, "I'm not suppose to cry this early."

Ambulance count still at 0. 
Broken neck count still at 0.

AshLEE prepares for her date with Sean and says this is the moment she's been waiting for. She says "everything that I crave for and everything I want, I think it's happening." Everything she's ever wanted was to date a guy who is dating 16 other women at the same time. Not to mention has already made out with 3 of them.

She then continues her quote-fest by saying, "Honestly, nothing can or will go wrong today." She does not know the ABC producers capabilities at all.

Out of nowhere, Tierra falls down a flight of stairs. A handful of girls pretend to be concerned. Sean walks into the house and looks at Tierra and says, "You ok?" 

DUN DUH DUN DUH! FINALLY WE GET EMERGENCY MEDICAL PEOPLE! Although it's not an ambulance, it's actually a firetruck and the camera is sure to be outside to see it pull into the driveway. My guess is someone called 911 and the emergency responders said, "that's the house that they're filming The Bachelor at?" and just assumed one of the girls set another girl on fire.

AshLEE shows how full of heart and compassion she is by talking about how made she is that this is happening when she's suppose to be making out with Sean. Meanwhile, Tierra tries to fight with the paramedics by telling them she doesn't want to go to the hospital. AshLEE calls out Tierra for faking the injury and gets mad because Sean talks to Tierra and not AshLEE.

Sean tells Tierra he's happy they got the time together and she looks like she's totally fine. Sean tells her she should fall down the stairs more often. For once I agree with Sean because the more times she does this, the more likely I will be able to see her fall down the stairs.

After the MOST CONTROVERSIAL SEGMENT OF THE BACHELOR EVER is done. Sean and AshLEE jump into a jeep and Sean has sweet sunglasses on again. They walk into Six Flags Magic Mountain which has been shut down and just for them for the day. AshLEE pretend she's excited to potentially puke on roller coasters.
Sean talks about how he's big on charity and wants to know if AshLEE is big on charity too. He tells her it's selfish for them to have the big theme park all to themselves and AshLEE says "...ok...", knowing she's going to have to share Sean again.

Sean and Tierra hang out with 2 chronically ill children in the theme park. AshLEE manages to dance around complaining that she has to share by telling us how sweet Sean is for wanting to do this for these kids and this was in no way planned by ABC.

The 2 girls are shown going on various rides with Sean and AshLEE and they genuinely look like they're happy and having a good time. 

Sean takes them to another staple Bachelor move by taking the 3 girls to a private concert of his favorite band, The Eli Young Band. I have never heard of the Eli Young band, but my guess is this is ABC's shameless endorsement and these guys will be on Jimmie Kimmel soon.

After the concert, AshLEE finally gets Sean alone and then tells us how happy she is that they're finally alone.  AshLEE talks about how many kids she wants and then reveals to Sean she was adopted and was abused in one of her foster families. Nothing like using your tragic past as a bargaining chip on a scripted game show.

Seans eyes start to well up as she continues talking about her family. Sean praises AshLEE by saying, "When you meet AshLEE, you would automatically assume she must have had a wonderful childhood, and she didn't. She hasn't let any of that effect her negatively. And it just makes me admire her even more." He has so much admiration for her, he's going to make out with other women tomorrow.

He end up giving her the rose and The Eli Young Band magically appear behind them. They get up and dance. I still can't wrap my head around how awkward this has to be for these bands. Here they are playing songs they worked for months on, to come onto this show and play it for 2 people who make out the entire time. All the while, camera don't even pay attention to them. They just film the lip sucking. AshLEE then cries and talks about how bad she wants "this". 

We're back at the house and (not surprisingly) all of the girls are in the same room. Sean shows up in a suit and the rest of the girls are all dressed in their Sunday's Best. It's time for alcohol to get consumed.

One Armed Girl and Sean go to the front of the house where a limo pulls up. One Armed Girl thinks that Sean is sending her home and then she dances around like a kid who has to pee but refuses to tell mom she has to. Sean tells us that he has a surprise for her.

Sean opens the door and One Armed Girl's dog, Leo, is sitting in the limo. ABC actually rented a limo for a dog. Sean giggles like a school girl and then runs around with the dog. He then hugs One Armed Girl and she tells him how happy she is that he invited her dog...in a limo. He then ditches her to go and talk to Tierra.

Tierra tells Sean her back hurts and her right eyebrow is way higher than the left. She then complains to him about how she hasn't spent more than 5 minutes with him. Desiree then comes to take Sean away and Tierra mentions physically abusing a wall. Tierra then goes back to Desiree and Sean and takes him away again.

The rest of the girls whine more about how Tierra is getting all sorts of time with him. So each of them take turns stealing him from the previous girl. I lose track of who has him when because they're all getting vicious and impatient. Who the hell is Jackie? I don't remember her. I think this is the first time she's been on camera. Kacie B talks about how she wants to just move on from him calling her crazy. Other girls come and interrupt and Kacie B complains. There's been so much complaining in the past few minutes. I've given up on this episode.

Side note: I have a pot of chili that has been cooking and is basically done. I just walked in and switched it to "Warm" and refuse to eat while watching this show. I don't want to associate chili, the greatest invention in the history of mankind, with this show. I only have 13 minutes of chili smelling torture left.

Finally we've come to the Rose Ceremony. Sean comes in and gives them all a speech about how happy he is for dating 16 women at once. He then asks Kacie B, who looks like she's wearing a scuba wet suit, to walk away from the group and have a private chat with him. Sean tells her that he thinks that they're just friends and nothing more. Kacie B gives him an awkward hug and gets into a limo. I'm so happy he decided not to dump her in front of all of the other girls and single her out for the cameras in the name of "respecting their friendship."

Sean then goes in and dumps more of the girls. A sad piano plays as Taryn cries about how she never had a chance to make a connection with him. Kristy cries uncontrollably because she got dumped and thinks she'll never find love. 

This show is so incredibly awful.

Next week's preview shows Tierra having some sort of breakdown. For any other woman on this show, it would mean that they go home, but Tierra is the paid actress. So this only means that she's getting a raise for doing a good job.


Thank God this is over. Time for chili.

Before We Get To Know Each Other, I Want To See If You'll $hit Your Pants.

The only thing you need to take from what you're about to read is that you only need to have 2 things to be on this show. Some sort of emotional flaw, or a physical disability.....or just be absolutely insane.

ABC gets right to the point in tonight's episode by showing the obligatory abs sequence within the first 2 minutes. Tons of Sean's abs as he works out and we're even given a long sequence of him showering. Sean talks about how he knows that his future 6-month wife was in that room last night.

Next we go back to the house and all of the women sitting in one room. Harrison emerges and I think this is the first time I've noticed him not wearing a suit. Harrison tells the girls he believes that Sean will get down on one knee at the end and propose to one of the girls. Tons of smiles as the girls act like they're in love with the man they've known for 2 minutes. Harrison leaves the first date card and tells the girls that they can wrestle over it. I was kind of hoping that they would. I was hoping to see someone get up to grab it and another shameless woman does a flying leap across the table to administer an elbow to her mouth causing teeth to go down her throat. I was not happy when this didn't happen.

The date card gets read and Sarah, the girl with one arm, is lucky number 1. A few of the girls pretend they're happy for her and screech in excitement while others whine because they were not chosen.

A HELICOPTER HAS ARRIVED! We're in season 15 or whatever of this show, but the girls act surprised that a helicopter comes to pick up Sarah. Dust flies all around and presumably into the girls eyes and mouths as the helicopter lands. Kacie B. who has been on this show before and I'm pretty sure has been in a helicopter before on the show, acts shocked that a helicopter is picking Sarah up.

I'm so glad you've read this far.

Sean walks out and grabs Sarah and brings her into the helicopter. The girls pretend like it was Shawn who rented a helicopter and picked them up and in no way was this set up by ABC. Sean is so romantic when he's told what he's suppose to do.

Back from break, Sarah continues to talk about how happy she is and how she's already starting to fall in love with Shawn right in the helicopter. They land on top of a sky scraper where Sean tells Sarah that the only way for them to get to know one another is to attempt to defy death. He tells her that there is a champagne toast at ground level, 300 feet below where they currently stand. And rather than  take a nice long elevator ride a nice long walk down a bunch of flight of stairs where they can get to know one another, Sean tells her that they must risk death by jumping off of the building. Sarah tells us that she wants to look courageous for Sean. Because the only way that a one armed person could ever do this is to partake in an event that is risky, and then make it even more risky by having that person be limited.

Way to go,. ABC.

Sarah relates this situation in the typical Bachelor fashion by referring this to "taking the plunge together." Hitting on all marks, she reluctantly climbs up onto the platform. Sarah says "Oh my Gosh" at least 15 thousand times. They count down and jump. Sean does his best Ric Flair impression by shouting "WOOO!" 15 times. Tons of dramatic music plays as they reach the ground; all 3 arms intact.

Tasteless joke quota filled.

Sarah says that them achieving victory on this jump was only due to Sean giving her confidence that she could do it. Even though he didn't really tell her anything more than they're doing it. Cut to break.

Back from break, Sean and Sarah share a toast to their rather pointless achievement. Sarah tells Sean a story about how when she was in Vegas with her family and she wanted to go zip-lining, but was denied because she only has 1 arm. She then says she was humiliated after that and her father (who isn't dead, no dead father's revealed just yet) told her she needs to find a strong guy who will stand by her side in times like that. She then says it was very special to her that Sean believed that she could do the free fall thing, even though it didn't require them to do anything by fall and scream, but somehow she pulls it off. She's kind of coming off as she's using this as a bargaining chip. Sean is impressed.

Back at the house, the second date card arrives. This time it will be a group date. Kristy, Amanda (who I just realized looks like Blossom from that show with Joey Lawrence....pre-Dancing With The Stars bald head.), Lesley and "Em", Kathryn, and Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Tarayn, Kacie, and Tierra. That's 12 girls. Good lord.

I don't remember "Em" from the first episode, so I tried to pause to see if I recognize her. This is where I paused it:

                                                                             



























                         would.

That is my new favorite picture of all time.

Back to Sarah and Sean's date, Sean hands Sarah a rose. Sean and Sarah make out while Sarah says she loves him already.

The girls for the group date jump into a limo and toast each other with orange juice. I'm pretty sure they might be screwdrivers because they would never let someone be sober on this show for more than 1 hour. The limo pulls up to a giant mansion and Sean walks out onto the giant porch to greet the girls. They all say it's like he's a prince charming coming out of the castle. I was actually hoping we'd find people covered in horse feces, piling up mud like in Monty Python, but I was disappointed.

Sean takes them inside where he reveals to them that they're going to do a photo shoot, with one women getting to be on the cover of Harlequin books...or something. In no way is it a coincidence that the paid actress (who is also a model) is on this date and says she's so excited because this is her calling card.

Finally they start to take pictures. When it's Lesley's turn, the photographer has the genius idea of having them kiss for a picture. Some of the other girls start to get offended as if this wasn't in any way inevitable. When it's all said and done, the paid actress Kristy wins being on the cover. Didn't see that one coming.

Later on in the night, Sean decides to have the girls drink alcohol by a pool. Lesley is the first to be able to have a 1 on 1 chat with Sean where he asks her the dumbest question to date on this show. He asks her why she's here and (SHOCKINGLY) she tells him that she's there for love. Then Sean complains about how he wants to kiss Lesley, but every time he wants to, she changes the subject.  Their conversation gets super awkward and Lesley complains about how Sean didn't kiss her. He then tells her that they need to go back to the group. Walking back. Lesley then stops him and they start to make out. It's still awkward afterward, but Lesley believes the rose is hers.

Sweet Jesus, Kacie B. now gets to talk to Sean 1 on 1. She tells him that they hung out a few times, and she developed a crush on him. Even though she knew she loved Ben. Kacie B. rambling on and squeaks a lot. Sean calls Kacie one of his "girlfriends". Kacie B then puts him on the spot by asking him if there is anything mutually between them and he says that he doesn't know her that well, but wants to get to know her. she then rambles on about how she wants to have the rose and then lets out an evil laugh.

Thank you for reading this far.

Sean then takes one of the girls who I don't know the name of, out onto the porch where she tells Sean, "I'm vegan, but I love the beef." At first Sean doesn't get it, and then he realizes she's clearly talking about the man downstairs if you will. She then continues on about how happy she is that she can talk to someone who is genuinely happy...apparently about his pride on the south side.

If every woman were as shallow and so thin in personality as this, life would be a lot easier for many of us.

Sean then takes Tierra and her plastic face aside to ask her why she's been so quiet on the date. She tells him that she's just there for him and not to make friends, and her eyebrows never move. She says it's weird that she has to compete with 25 other women on a game show that she applied to be on, for his affection. Once again revealing who the shows idiot is.

Katie as a giant mane of hair. She starts to complain about being on a show to compete with other women for one guys love. She then goes to talk to Sean and tells him that she needs to go home. The other girls rationalize her decision to leave and claim they are all sympathetic to her decision. The sympathy is so incredibly fake, I laugh on the inside.

Desiree, the wedding dress woman, is chosen for the second 1 on 1 date. Sean talks with Harrison who tells him that they're going to play sort of a candid camera joke on Desiree for the date. The plan is that Desiree is going to go into a museum and a million dollar piece of art is going to fall and break and she will be blamed for it. I'm not exactly sure how this helps them find if there is going to be love between the two of them, but apparently seeing if she shits her pants on camera means she might be "the one".

Desiree and Sean are taken into a private room in the museum where they see the fake art that's about to break. Sean says he is pulled away by a producer so it's just an actress pretending to be an art director and Desiree in the room. Not once does it occur to Desiree that Sean randomly left without telling her where he was going. The actress eventually leaves, leaving Desiree alone in the room. Harrison and Sean talk about how evil this plan is and how it might make her mad at him, yet they continue to laugh and enjoy how evil they are.

Another random actor and a guy who is pretending to be the artist that made the piece come in and accuse Desiree of breaking the artwork. Before anyone can start throwing shards of glass at her, Sean swoops in and makes a stupid remark about how he's always going to stand by her side in any situation. He then reveals to her that it's all a set up and they're actors. I lol'd a ton with everyone. In fact, I rewound it 13.5 times just because the prank was so good.

Sean then asks Desiree to come back to "his place" and have dinner. Back at "his house", Sean offers her a steak. I wish I had a steak right now. I wish I wasn't watching this and that I was eating a delicious steak right now. It's too late to go and get a steak, but I wish it wasn't too late so I could stop watching this and go and get a steak.

Their conversation is about their parents and how much it sounds like their parents are the same. The conversation is super boring. Then, they both get into their bathing suits and continue to talk about love and all that bullshit. You can tell they both are just trying to get to the point where they rub up on one another.

Sean tells her that she's seen the real him on this date and no other girl has seen him. Apparently the real him is setting up people to shit their pants while he watches from another room.

Sean is a douche.

Desiree is offered a rose which she accepts and then they rub up on one another in a hot tub while super dramatic music plays in the background.

Lindsay, the moron who wore a wedding dress last episode, pulls Sean aside to tell him how much of an idiot she was for wearing a wedding dress. She kind of looks like a stripper. She tells Sean that her father is a general in the army and it's "CRAAZYY COOL!" I really hope that she stays around for the meet the parents episode and her dad makes Sean run 10 miles through the mud and then do 200 push ups.

There will be a ton of abs in that episode.

The group of women in the house sit around and talk. Amanda sits by herself and doesn't talk. The other girls try to ask her opinion on Sean, but she gives them all the silent treatment. I regain my confidence that there will be a cat fight this season, but it doesn't happen yet. I'm keeping the faith, people!

Super dramatic music starts as Amanda walks away from the group. The rest of the girls talk about how weird Amanda is. Robyn then asks Sean if he likes black women. He tells her that he doesn't have a specific physical type. She helps him get out of the awkward conversation by saying to him "you have wonderful arms."

I hate everything about this show.

More gossiping with how weird Amanda is. She looks like she's on some sort of hallucinogen. I swear she seeing ninjas taking their bottles of booze. After the mood is set with the Amanda bashing, the producers tell Sean to go and talk to Amanda. Amanda, who is as still as a defective robot, gets activated by his presence. They don't really show how long they talk, but I'm sure she told him about how the movie Independence Day was "just the beginning of her attempts at taking over the world."

Finally we make it to the rose ceremony. All of the women and their fake tan happiness look tense as slowly Sean goes one by one with handing out roses. I'm so glad this guy stopped breaking the rules by handing out roses throughout the show. Handing them out at the rose ceremony is so much more dramatic and awesome.

Not really.

With the final rose, ABC tells Sean to give it to Amanda, the weirdo. Desiree shakes her head in displeasure. The two girls who got kicked off are Brooke and some other girl. Brooke talks about how Sean isn't the right guy for her. She then starts to cry because she loved him in 2 minutes. Sean tries to explain to the other girl why it didn't work, but totally stumbles through it. The other girl has a really weird nose. She's gone.

Then, the fake artist actor guy comes into the room and starts throwing ninja stars and everyone breaks their champagne glasses at the stem and stabs the guy to death while Macarena plays in the background.

the end.

Edit: Apparently someone gets put on a stretcher next week. My Cat Fight Foreshadow LIVES!

The Return Of Squeaky Mouse Kacie B Makes My Want To Submit My Head To A Wood Chipper

Here we are again. Unfortunately the world did not end a few weeks ago and all of us have to be exposed to another season of the worst show on television. The Bachelor.

Sean Lowe is this years perfect toothed man. He looks like he's the brother of Anthony Michael Hall. I don't hate him yet, but his hair is ridiculously well groomed.

We start of this episode and thus this season with Anthony...err...Sean giving us the staple Bachelor lines. "I'm just from a small town." "I am so humbled to be here." "I want to find love." "I hit an old lady while driving a golf cart in the middle of local Dallas bar."

Then we already hit our first product placement (unless you count the sweet Ray Bans). Sean takes out his handy dandy Ipad and talks to a relative who never actually appears on the screen. Just a choppy picture of a child. My guess is that Apple is not to happy with the way their video chat was portrayed.

Sean then continues on about how he was just an average guy who use to work a 9-5 and now he's on a network television show. This guy is firing on all cylinders to get out as many Bachelor cliches he can in the first 10 minutes.

While talking about how he's an average guy, we're quickly exposed to his abs in the obligatory abs shot. Ton of abs, and our friend Sean working out. This man admires his muscles way too much in this shot. I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Next, our perfect teeth continues to talk about how he was heartbroken by Emily. If you don't remember (or don't care) Emily was the Bachelorette and an all around pain in the ass. I don't wish her harm, I was just kind of hoping she'd break her arm while falling off a balcony in Puerto Rico or something.

Next we see Sean on the beach. This time with a shirt on. He watches as another bride and groom are getting married on the same beach and is shown thinking a lot. He then starts to skip rocks over the waves. I was kind of hoping he was going to throw rocks at them in a pit of rage and jealousy.

Sean then takes his shirt back off and climbs a rock while reciting a well scripted by producer's speech about being a rock for a woman.

I just remembered that the Alabama vs. Notre Dame National Title game is on right now. I hate everything about this show.

Back from break, ABC has a contestant, Arie, from Emily's season come and visit Sean. Even though multiple cameras are position throughout the house Sean is at, and he's already mic'd up, Sean acts surprised and talks about how, in no way, he knew Arie was going to show up. They sit there and talk about how they both loved the same woman and both got dumped by the same woman. Then, they practice various thing that are bound to happen between Sean and the girls. 

Sean then says he is nervous about having to break up with girls face to face. He says "I can't just stop texting them or talking to them." Sean is kind of a jerk.

Sean and Arie then talk about making out with someone else. Arie points out many things that Sean should do. Unless Sean has been sheltered his whole life, I'm pretty sure he knows how to kiss someone and doesn't need instruction. The abs are definitely a crowd pleaser.

The conversation gets more and more awkward. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable while watching it and start to look around the room for other things to focus on.

Back from break, we're once again exposed to the most overpaid and pointless game show host on television: Chris Harrison. Harrison comes out and explains that this season's Bachelor is READY FOR LOVE. And he FELL IN LOVE last season. This isn't anything new for season Bachelor/Bachelorette fans, but ABC decides the guy needs to start justifying his pay. So they wheeled him out on Q and make him recite his lines. All the while monkeys are defecating on sculpted cheese busts of Harrison's head behind the camera so Chris Harrison is reminded how easily he can be replaced.

Don't over think that one. Just accept it.

Harrison continues to report that Sean "wants to fall in love again, wants to find a wife. And eventually wants to become a father." Imagine that people. He came to a show that has exactly 0% success rate for marriages lasting more than a year. 

Next we're introduce to some of the fame seeking women. 

First is Desiree who is a wedding dress designer. Desiree is about to tell us how she sees all of these other women getting their dresses and wonders when she's going to find that man, make her own dress and walk down the isle. (If you noticed, I used the phrase "about to tell us" because I paused it and knew exactly what she was going to say.

I was right.

Next is Tierra. Tierra is a seasoned Bachelor watcher. She uses every contestant cliche possible. She talks about how she was heartbroken before and wants not just a husband but a best friend. She also is family oriented. My guess is that if she wins, she's that best friend title is going to be given to the guy who will join her backstage on her future job as a late night infomercial presenter. Then, one of the ABC producers informs her that the next Bachelor is Sean. Tierra let's out an ear piercing scream that Fran Drescher would complain about.

Next is Robyn who is in sales and marketing. Robyn is obsessed with putting Post It notes all over the place with Spanish words on them because she wants to learn Spanish. I hope she gets kicked off and stays single so I can find her. Remember, this girl works for sales and marketing. Yet apparently has no logical skills what so ever.

Next is Diana. Diana owns a hair salon and is a mother of two girls. I'm so sick of this show already. She talks about how she wants to find love and someone that she can truly love for the rest of her life and blah blah blah. She doesn't drop the "i want a father figure in my daughters' lives" just yet. She's saving that card for later.

Next is Sarah who works as a sort of graphic designer. We find out in her intro that she was born with only one arm. ABC producers no doubt will exploit this to the fullest extent for ratings.

Next is Ashley P. Yet another hair dresser. Or stylist or whatever. Ashley P. and has a giant mouth. She starts off great by saying, "I have no idea why I'm still single." She then says it's just her and her cat because all of her friends are married and boring. She's annoying, so no doubt she'll be around for awhile.

Lesley is next, Lesley works at a political consulting firm in Washington DC. She then pisses off everyone in the area by saying she hates nerds and politicians and everyone in the city is in either one of these categories. Good luck trying to get a job after this fame seek is done!

Kristy is a model and definitely the paid actress on the show. She talks about how all of the other girls are going to be jealous and don't stand a chance against her. She then punches things and we watch her work out. I'm really hoping to see some cat fights this season.

Ash-LEE (that's going to be a pain in the ass) is next. She talks about how she was adopted and went through 6 foster homes and never really felt love in her life. She already starts to cry during her intro. So my guess is the producers chose her so that they can get her to fall in love with Sean and then he tells her she needs to go home. The tears will be like Niagara Falls and their drunken laughter will be extra loud.

After another pointless chat with Harrison, Sean stands and waits as the limo full of fame seeking whores rides up. We're gifted with various sound bytes of the women in the car talking about how cute and nervous he is. Sean really does look nervous. It would be awesome if he just said, "I CAN'T DO THIS!" and runs off into the night never to be seen again.

As with last year, I'm not going to talk about every girl that gets out of the car and introduces themselves and tells Sean how they're already in love with him. I know you don't want that and I sure as hell don't want it. I'm just going to mention the memorable (aka idiotic) ones.

One girl (i don't know who and don't care enough to rewind) puts on lipstick and give Sean a kiss on the cheek. The next girl to come out is Selma who takes out a hanker chief from between her breasts that was in no way put there by ABC and wipes away the lipstick.

Daniella decides to introduce herself by doing a handshake that I see in some NFL games. I don't really know what her goal was here, but it seemed like Sean was weirded out by it. She'll be gone tonight.

Next to walk up is Kelly. Kelly has either gone to one too many spray on tan booths or got in a fight at a Cheetos plant. Kelly sings a song that the producers wrote for her. Then her orange forehead reflects moonlight and blinds Sean.

Catherine shows up and she's my early favorite to win a 6 month marriage with Season. Definitely one you should consider if you're in a Bachelor Draft. As she walks up, Sean has an ear to ear goofball smile that shows his perfect teeth. 

Robyn fails at trying to do a cart wheel. I hate this show.

Paige lays out a line as dumb and statistically erroneous as an NFL coach. She talks about how she was on The Bachelor Pad and saw that "this process can work." If by work, you mean for a 6 month tabloid marriage followed by a short lived modeling career. Then yes, yes it does.

Tierra gets out of the car and Sean shocks us all by asking Harrison if he can hand out a rose right now. This is breaking the rules so bad. I screamed at my TV, "SEAN! YOU REBEL, YOU!" And then I lol'd a ton.

Tierra then walks into the fake tan infested house and all of the other girls get offended that she's already got a rose. They all hate her under their breath. Tierra is definitely going to be around for awhile to stir up the place with her goody two shoes ways.

Some girl asks Sean to have an awkward silence just to get it out of the way. This is the greatest moment in Bachelor history because no one said anything...for a whole 10 seconds. It was glorious.

More girls come out and I don't pay attention. I checked the score of the Alabama and Notre Dame game. Bama is up 28-0. I'm so glad I'm not watching it in exchange for this garbage.

I come back into hell and notice some girl has handed him a football and tells him to play center and she is the quarterback. Sean then realizes all she was trying to do was check out his buttocks. I lol'd a ton because it was so clever.

Some girl says her Dad is going to break Shawn's legs. A girl shows up in a wedding dress. This show just keeps getting less and less tolerable.

OK, I know that I have said that I hate this show many, many times. But they've reached an all knew low in tolerable level. In the season's first "shocking" turn of events. Kacie B. from Ben's season and her awful, awful southern whiny voice has returned.  Kacie B. squeaks when she talks to Sean.

Apparently she's a fan favorite, but was kicked off by Ben because her parents were scary or scary looking or something. I think she should be living under the railroad bridge. I really don't know if I'm going to make it through this whole season with her around.

Screw you, ABC.

Sean walks into the house and tells the girls they're all beautiful. The camera shows lots of spray on tan smiles. Then the alcohol starts to get consumed. Then the one girl with a giant mouth suggest they all scream. I scream along with them and scare the shit out of my cat. But it was worth it. I feel so connected to this show now.

Sean sits down for  his first 1 on 1 with Kacie B. He tells her how shocked he was to see her and she tells him she's from Tennesee. Then they both talk about how they met and became friends before this season and where they were both from never came up nor did Sean ever own a computer.

Desiree then talks to Sean and tells him how she really likes him after talking to him for 10 seconds. He then responds by giving her a rose. When she walks back into the house, the other women act shocked and jealous. The cauldron is slowly starting to stir. Tons of dirty looks are shown on camera.

Sean totally throws the Bachelor process overboard by handing out more roses while talking to the women 1 on 1. The fangs definitely are starting to show from all of these soulless women.

Wedding dress girl talks about how it's crazy that she wore a wedding dress there, but yet continues to weird out Sean by talking about how crazy she is. She then asks him to dance and more awkward conversation ensues. Sean then basically tells her that he's not going to give her the rose because he doesn't believe in weird women.

Ashley, the 50 shades of Grey tie Girl, clearly quite visibly drunk starts dancing around the house. She then crashes a conversation between one of the girls and Sean. She then continues to dance, clearly becoming a distraction for their conversation. Guarantee this woman stays around for a good hard run because she's so good at making an idiot of herself and that will drive ratings.

Bama up 42-7.

Finally, we're at the rose ceremony. Although Sean handed out some roses already, he still has a few left to hand out. Sean hands them out and some women look like they're about to crap their pants.

Harrison emerges for those of us who can't count and says there's 1 rose left.

A bunch of girls leave while trying to hold back tears and keep smiles on their faces. Orange faced singing girl gives the world some shallow words of wisdom by saying that you shouldn't bother with trying to find love and you should just love yourself. She then whines about how she doesn't know what he saw in the rest of the girls that he didn't see in her.

All in all, Sean looks clueless all the time. I honestly think he may not quite know where he is at all times of the day.

Get ready for this year because I sure as hell am...not.

I hate this show.