Telling Your Girlfriend She Will Be A Hot Old Chick

"The dramatic 3-hour Bachelor event starts right now."

No words can strike fear into the heart of reality TV watchers everywhere than those words. I'm not sure which is worse, 2 straight nights of 2 hour episodes or 1 night of a 3 hour episode. It's like deciding if you want to lick the toilet seat found in the men's or women's bathroom at a dive bar. From the looks of the intro, everyone from Sean to Catherine, to Lindsay to Sean's mom is going to be crying in this episode. Why? It's because it's the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER!

Harrison comes out to a live studio audience of 449 women and 1 guy, to let us know that he is live for this historical episode. An episode that is as historical as the signing the Declaration Of Independence, the First Walk On the Moon, and the creation of the Flesh Light. Harrison says tonight will have, "...a Bachelor first which could one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history....That's right." and the crowd of women starts "woo"-ing because they believe this means that Sean will take his shirt of at least 57 times.

Then we head to Chiang Rai, Thailand to check out what's going on with our main man Sean.We're shown a bunch of random shots of Sean walking around while his voice over reminds us that he's in love with 2 women and doesn't know which one to pick. Then he stands and waits for his family to come and hang out with him on a free trip provided by ABC.

If you don't remember, Sean is a huge family guy. Family is super important to him as he reminded us all year long. So when his family arrives they all sit in a room and the little kids say they're going to help Sean decide which girl he should marry. I feel so bad for these kids, their minds are being corrupted by thinking the only way to find your husband/wife is to go on a televised dating show and date a bunch of men/women at the same time and have sex with some of them through out the few weeks that you've known them.

I paused and said a prayer for the youth of America.

Sean tells his family that they're going to meet Catherine first. He tells them that Catherine is fun and witty and they "get each other" and his family smiles way too much. They all say they're excited to meet her. Mom tells us that she knows how big of a decision this is for Sean because he's going to spend the next 6 months in a tabloid-littered engagement with whomever he chooses. She then tells Sean that he should already have the decision made up in his head and Sean says, "You'd think that, but I don't" and Mom looks worried.

Catherine shows up and Sean gives her a few pointers before she meets his family. Catherine walks in and hugs Sean's family and every one smiles some more. Then they go out on the balcony to eat lunch and drink alcohol. Wait...water?! Did ABC's Bachelor credit card finally get maxed out?! They couldn't offer alcohol so they gave them water? WHO ARE YOU ABC!?

Catherine then rambles on about the journey and how great of a person Sean is and there's so much more rambling. Then Sean's mom takes Catherine aside to grill Catherine. Catherine talks about how, since day 1 on the game show, she use to leave Sean notes about how she was thinking about him and finally he started to leave her notes by week 3. I bet this is what Ryan Fitzpatrick did to his starting offensive line every week during practice. Just to show them that he really cares for them and he's thankful that they protect him.

Catherine talks more and there's more talking. She basically tells Sean's mom that she loved Sean from that week 3 note that he left her about her nose. It's really a boring conversation. Only  2 hours and 51 minutes to go.

Next Catherine talks to Sean's dad. Dad asks Catherine if she believes in the "Bachelor process". Catherine says, "I was skeptical at first, but I want great love." Then she says, "I'm consumed by him." Which I'm pretty sure means she just declared Sean a cannibal.

They talk some more and there's more talking. This show is such crap. They barely fill 2 hours when Sean has 4-12 girlfriends. They could easily wrap this up in a hour or so and make me not want to slam my head in the refrigerator, but no. They keep going. They keep talking.

Sean's dad then says if Catherine wins this game show, he will love her like his own daughter and Catherine gets teary eyed. It's a touching moment. I've run out of tissues. Then Sean tells the family that Catherine needs to leave and Sean's dad says she doesn't have to leave and Sean should leave. Then he tells the rest of the family to leave him and Catherine alone. Then he takes his pants off. Just kidding. I'm delusional with hope that something interesting will happen.

Next Lindsay shows up to meet Sean's family. Lindsay walks in and hugs everyone and brings presents for the kids. Then they sit on the couch to talk. Sean mentions how he and Lindsay fed monkeys and Lindsay says, "that was like the coolest thing ever." I honestly thought that beating Nazi Germany or even the invention of the light bulb were the cooler than feeding monkeys. Now, since I have the insight of a scholar like Lindsay, I know I'm wrong.

Then Sean's family jokes with Lindsay about how she was wearing a wedding dress when she first met Sean and they all laugh. Then Sean's dad takes Lindsay to talk. I'm so sick of talking. I think this show would be more entertaining if these people had to speak in sign language, especially if they don't know sign language.

Sean's dad then says that since the day Sean was born, they prayed for his wife even though they clearly didn't know who she was at the time. I wonder how long it took for them to fathom the idea that he'd be going on a game show to meet his wife. Lindsay starts to cry for no reason and sad, acoustic guitar music plays. Then they realize that they have filled up enough time for talking and get ready to leave. But Lindsay says, "I have one more question for you." and the music stops abruptly. She asks Sean's dad if she can have Sean's hand in marriage and then they both laugh as super happy music plays. I lol'd a ton. So much that I drank a quart of vodka so I could black out and stop laughing.

Next Sean's mom talks to Lindsay. Lindsay talks about how great Sean is and this is so stupid. Lindsay cries some more for no reason. Sean then tells his family that Lindsay has to go. They make out before she gets into the fan and Lindsay says, "Bye baby" and drives away. Then, Sean reminds us how he is in love with two women. And he hopes that his family will help him make this decision. Tax season is almost over.

Sean then sits down with his family and they talk about how great each girl is. The guy who hasn't said a word this entire time says, "You've got 48 hours to make this decision, my friend" in a very condescending tone and they all laugh. It's kind of awkward.

Then Sean and his mom walk out to the patio to talk. Sean's mom basically tells him he better be sure he wants to be with this girl for the rest of his life, because she knows it'll last which proves Sean's mom has never read People Magazine. Sean's mom then cries. Everyone is crying. I'm convinced they filled the pond behind them with the tears of the Bachelor, Bachelor contestants and his family members. They go for a walk around the pond and the camera are strategically placed around the pond to pick up on the action. Sean hasn't taken his shirt off yet. I'm annoyed.

When Sean's family leaves, Sean walks out to the balcony to think and the music gets super dramatic and loud. Sean mentions how his family didn't help him out with making a decision on the winner of this game show. I yell, "YOU BETTER KNOW, SEAN! YOU BETTER KNOW!"

Commercial break.

Back from break we're back in the live studio with Harrison. Harrison reveals that later on they will be revealing something to the world that ABC has only learned of in the last 24 hours. One of the girls in the audience is shown wide-eyed and shocked. Or maybe she just smoked crack. I can't be sure.

Then we go back to Thailand and Sean is shown walking in a bright blue muscle shirt. He hasn't taken his shirt off yet, but there is less shirt he's wearing. I'm willing to accept this. He talks about how his decision is even harder now because his family liked both of his girlfriends.

Lindsay meets up with Sean on a random dirt road. They get onto a raft to drink alcohol and explore Thailand. ABC then says it's time to make Sean look smart, so he tells Lindsay on one side of the river is Thailand and on the other is Taiwan and Lindsay acts super surprised. I called up my girlfriend and told her "You know, on one side of the Niagara River is America and on the other side, it's Canada." She said, "Okay. Thanks for reminding me." and then she hung up.

They talk some more and it's all in mumbling voices so I can't understand. Then they pretend they're looking through binoculars, but it's just their hands. I hate this show.

They go up to a bridge to sit on a couch and talk some more. Sean tells Lindsay, "You know me." Thus disqualifying him from ever going on a day time talk show. They talk about how much of a difference there is between their heights and then Sean says the line of the season:

"I picture you as a hot, old chick."

and Lindsay replies with, "Aww really? I love you. I mean it now more than ever."

Back at the resort, Lindsay takes out some more alcohol and giant wine glasses. Sean walks in a pink v-neck shirt, and they sit down to talk more. After talking, they make out some more. Then they talk, then they make out.  There is so much filler going on, I feel like I'm watching one of the pointless episodes of Lost. Sean still hasn't taken his shirt off. They make out some more. Lindsay talks about them making out. I swan dive in my kitchen sink.

Lindsay then takes Sean outside and explains that it is a tradition of the country to write a wish on a paper lantern and then let it fly away and the dream will come true. So they write 3 wishes on 3 paper lanterns and they fly away. My guess is that they eventually land in the middle of a field and start a Taiwanese farm on fire thus starving a family of 5 for a year. Good job, ABC.

Again, we go back to the live audience where Harrison reminds us that millions are watching live. What is the point of doing this?

Back to Sean who is now in a purple v-neck shirt and walking. Catherine runs up to him and her breasts bounce. That was a good moment for me.

Sean tells Catherine that they're going to ride around on an elephant for the day and Catherine acts way too excited. They get on the elephant and Sean talks about how they need to kick the ears of the elephant in order to steer it in the right direction. I can hear PETA typing away hate mail as we speak.

They ride around on an elephant and it's super boring and pointless. They mention how beautiful Thailand is and how crazy it is to ride elephants. Then, they go into a tree house to talk and drink alcohol. Catherine just does voice over for most of their tree house make out session.  Sean keeps his shirt on.

Catherine then prepares alcohol and candles in the same room that Lindsay prepared alcohol and candles. That has to be weird. Then Sean shows up in a black v-neck shirt and they drink and talk. Then they make out. I really hate this show.

Before Sean leaves, they make out some more by the door. Catherine tells Sean that he loves her and he thanks her for the date. It was pretty awkward. Then Sean leaves and the music gets SUPER dramatic. As on, Bachelor-Super-Dramatic. Catherine then hunts Sean down so she can cry and make out with him some more. Then they hug. Sean then says, "okay" and walks away. Catherine is done.

We're an hour and 23 minutes into this episode and FINALLY Sean is shown without a shirt on. Because they made America wait so long for this, they show him with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Sean then talks about how torn he is about his decision. He looks out his window in a towel so he can think. We're shown flashbacks of stuff we've already seen between Sean and Lindsay and Sean and Catherine. Then Sean is shown walking up to a fountain in a gray v-neck sweater to think some more.

Next the ring guy comes to Sean's door to sell him a ring. He shows Sean the rings and Sean decides on one that probably would solve the sequester issue. 

Sean is getting ready to propose to one of his girlfriends and the cameras are sure to be there to see him in only some boxer briefs. Sean then cries and says, "This is more emotional than I've ever been, ever." He then leans off camera and the producers slap the cameraman on the head and tell him to move the shot so they can catch Sean crying.

Lindsay talks about how she could be getting engaged today and cries. Catherine talks about how she's not sure if Sean is going to pick her and then she cries. What is a little known fact is that ABC's producers hooked up all 3 of these people to electrical wires during interviews so they could get them to cry for no reason.

Sean walks up to a small dock with too many flowers on it. He says, "You can't understand the gravity of the situation." And I hope that Issac Newton is somewhere watching this and saying, "uh, yes I do."

We're back and back with Harrison so he can reminds us that millions of people are watching this episode live. The crowd cheers way more of Catherine than for Lindsay. Too bad this crowd is stupid. 

Harrison reveals that some of Sean's girlfriends have joined them tonight to talk about Catherine and Lindsay, in what will be their last ditch effort to try and get some face time. First Harrison interviews Lesley. Lesley talks about how she became good friends with Catherine, which must be weird considering she holds the world record for on camera make out with Catherine's boyfriend. She says she thinks that Catherine will win.

Next is One Armed Girl. Since Lesley said she thinks Catherine will win, the producers tell One Armed Girl to say she thinks Lindsay will win. I was hoping Harrison would ask her how hard it is to canoe with one arm, but he never did. Hack.

Next AshLEE gets interview. I was hoping I would never have to type her name again. Her eye isn't twitching. Why isn't Tierra there? They should have interviewed her eyebrow. 

Jacquie gets interviewed and it's stupid. She was on camera for like 20 minutes. Her opinion doesn't matter.

As we leave the live audience, the audience is show clapping and the camera make sure they show One Armed Girl clapping with her nub.

Back from break, more of Harrison reminding us that Sean has a big decision to make. He says that Sean may not propose at all and a girl in the audience behind Harrison crosses both of her fingers. I debate if she meant this as she hopes he doesn't or she hopes that he does. I wish I was drunk.

Sean is then showing thinking on the dock some more. He then talks about how hurt he will be when he dumps one of his girlfriends. More dramatic orchestra music plays.

First to meet up with Sean is Lindsay. She walks up to Sean on the dock. They talk as elevator music plays. Sean talks about how great Lindsay is and then he dumps her. She handles it well by ripping her hands away from his and saying, "It's okay. Stop." Then she cries uncontrollably. It's awkward. I start to read the ingredients on the bag of Fritos next to me.

Sean then walks her out and stops her one last time to tell her how much he feels blessed to have met her. She says, "Good luck" and walks away. Because she knows that getting picked for a future Bachelorette is important for her career, she does a classy thing and takes off her expensive shoes that ABC bought so they don't get scuffed up on the stones.

Harrison helps her get into the dump mobile and tries desperately to hold back tears and complains about how she's felt this 100 times, which I'm pretty sure makes her a slut. But whatever. She whines more but manages to hold back the snot. She says she was tricked by being told she wouldn't be dumped by a guy who is dating 25 women.

We're finally at the MOST SHOCKING point this season. The letter that we've heard all about has finally been shown. Harrison tells Sean it's from Catherine and he starts to read. Rather than just get to the point and tells us what the letter says, we have to go back and see stupid Harrison with the live audience. A bunch of random shots of girls laughing and looking shocked about the letter. Then they applaud for how great of a person Lindsay is. To prevent myself from having a nervous breakdown about the letter, I chug 10 bottles of Nyquil.

Back from break, Sean is still reading the letter. They start out with him doing a voice over of the reading and then it fades to Catherine reading it. Then they go back to Sean, then to Catherine. What the hell is going on? It sounds like a satanic worship ritual or something.

Catherine walks up to Harrison which means that she is ready for their 6 month engagement. Happy piano music transitions to dramatic piano music. There's so much transitioning going on. The editors must be proud. When she walks up to Sean, he gives her a long speech about how great she is. 

Then he proposes to her. Boom! Catherine is the game show winner of a tabloid engagement! I THINK I JUST SHIT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111erlibvaeirbvuhbepiubvpi

Catherine then asks, "Is this for real?" Good way to handle it. Then they make out some more. And triumphant movie music plays. They get on an elephant, which is conveniently right there even though no one knew who Sean was going to pick. Catherine says, "I get this? I get this?!" Because she will get elephant rides in Taiwan for the rest of her life as opposed to screaming at Sean because he peed on the toilet seat and didn't wipe it off.


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And now, the After The Final Rose talking session where they talk about everything we just watched for absolutely no reason.

Sean comes out first to talk to Harrison. A girl in the audience yells "TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!" and all of the girls in the audience do a line of coke and applaud. Sean says, "Not gonna happen!" and I start to cry. They talk about Lindsay and Sean says he's not a crier. He says that dumping her was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do, which I'm sure Catherine was happy to hear.

Back from break, Lindsay walks out to confront Sean about him dumping her. She asks him why he dumped her and he says he prayed to God to tell him who to dump. God apparently told him to dump Lindsay, which must make her feel real great. 

Lindsay doesn't look too good. She looks like she's spent 23 hours a day in a tanning booth. This dumping must've been hard on her. Lindsay then says she's happy that Sean dumped her. And there's closure. Harrison then continues to ask her questions trying to make her cry. It works. He's a jerk.

Next Catherine gets to come out to hang out with Harrison and Sean. Harrison calls Sean, "my man." He's so hip.

Catherine then comes out and talks. She says she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him when she had a mental picture of seeing him as an old man. I did not make that up.

Catherine then talks more and it's boring. They finally show the one guy in the audience. He smiles and nods his head, looking around at which of these women he'd like to stand in front of and take off his shirt.

Back from break, they talk more about how great they are together. Then they replay Sean's proposal that we just watched 20 minutes ago. This show is a redundant pile of turds.

After that's done, Sean is shown crying because he's not a crier. Then Catherine rambles on about how great Sean is and cries. Everyone is crying except Harrison. He's not contractually obligated to cry.

Sean then reveals the secret we're all been waiting for since the secret of who Sean picked that we've all been waiting for. Since him and Catherine met on a game show on national television, and got engaged because Catherine won the game show. They're going to get married on national television and this is in no way a tactic to have ABC cover the tab. I really hope they break up before then so I don't have to watch it. .

Then they talk more about when they first met. Why are you still reading this?

In the final segment of the most boring After The Final Rose redundant pile of monkey feces, we're revealed the next Bachelorette.

Desiree! (Or Dez.) Is she Desiree? or is she Dez now? 

She cries after talking to Harrison for 30 seconds. I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate this show. I wish I was dead.

See you this summer.

Having Sex With Your Boyfriend Right After He Had Sex With His Girlfriend After Having Sex With His Other Girlfriend

I noticed this week that ABC decide to show a graphic of Tweets during the show. Most of the tweets shown were about how great each of the girls are and how Sean should pick them and if he doesn't, said tweeter is never going to watch again. Sentences like "Catherine is so perfect." and "AshLEE deserves Sean. They're perfect for each other."

Had I known they were going to do this, I wish I would have watched this episode live so I could send in all my tweets. I'd tweet a hyperlink to this blog and tell people how perfect this show is. No I wouldn't, I would tweet "If you love this show, you love to crap on chests."

Sean is down to just 3 girlfriends, AshLEE, Catherine and Lindsay. This is the week Sean has been looking forward to because this is the week he gets to have premartial sex with each of his three girlfriends 3 nights in a row. Even though it's the 21st century and kids are being given condoms in school, this may be frowned upon by some people in the world. But then again if you're reading this, you must have some sort of interest in this show, so you must not really care.

Anyway, on top the heavy petting. It's The Fantasy Suite Date Edition!

ABC sends Sean and his 3 girlfriends to Si Kao, Thailand and right off the bat, we're shown Sean sitting in a boat and thinking. He then talks about how tough this week is going to be because he's now thinking about not just who is going to stay, but who is going to be with him for the rest of his life. We're shown a ton of Sean thinking, he's laying in a hammock and thinking, then they show him sitting on a fountain and thinking with his sweet Ray Bans on. He continues to talk about how nervous he is about getting "alone" time with each girl. Maybe he forgot to bring condoms? Do they not sell condoms in Thailand? Who watches this garbage?

Next where graced with just recapping what we've seen already in this season because ABC knows that they can't pack any substantial stuff in 2 hours with Tierra's eyebrow gone. The clips are filled with Sean making out with multiple women and him without a shirt on. I guess one way or another, they're going to figure out ways to remind us that Sean loves not having a shirt on.

Sean says Catherine and him have a great connection because they're both weird and nerdy. The music is super quirky and fun. But then when Sean talks about Catherine's serious side, the music turns to dinner music/piano-ey. They show a brief clip of when Catherine said seeing her friend get crushed by a tree made her want to get married. This again. Whatever. I've said what I needed to say.

Sean says AshLEE and he have the strongest relationship there. More recapping. More making out. More of AshLEE reminding us she was adopted as she cries. Moving on.

Sean says, "I almost sent Lindsay home the first night because I thought she was crazy. And...not the good kind of crazy." If you don't remember, she wore the wedding dress the first night.

We're only 8 minutes in and I'm already considering sticking my hand on a Bunsen burner. Good thing I don't have one.

Lindsay gets the first date in Thailand. Lindsay talks about how excited she is for this date because last week she told Sean she was falling in love with him, and just 6 days later she's realized she is in love with him. It's really touching.

They get into a Thai motorcycle buggy thing and drive around while kidding. The driver is sitting right next to them, so that must be awkward. Not to mention the drive looks like Bernie from Weekend At Bernies.

They go to a Thai marketplace where Sean pretends he's Thai Marketplace Knowledgeable by telling Lindsay that this "is where Thai people get there food and stuff." Sean then asks her if she wants to have some fun and Lindsay says, "Yes, but I won't eat a bug." She just set herself up for bug eating. I'm sure she'll some how make it into a metaphor for love.

They walk up to a bunch of boxes full of colored chickens and pet them. Then they're showing buying various foods and other items. It's actually pretty boring. But that might be self-inflicted because I'm just waiting for the fantasy suite make out session.

Then they walk over to a tent that serves bugs to eat (I'm way too good at this.) Lindsay is still reluctant to eat bugs, but then she mentions how brave Sean is for eating bugs so she decides to eat bugs. Lindsay looks like she wants to puke. She says, "Oh my God, I just ate a bug. That was totally out of control." It's right up there with a car with broken brakes on the highway, and Shannon Sharpe talking.

Then they eat bigger bugs. Sean says he wants to have fun in his life and he needs a partner who is adventurous. He then says he knows that Lindsay would fit this role because she ate bugs. and a chicken foot. True love is mechanical steel pig riding, push-ups with people on your back and eating bugs.

Then they take a boat to a beach and talk. They talk some more about how much they care for each other. Then Sean tells us how much he cares about Lindsay. Then Lindsay tells us about how much she loves Sean.
This is awful. Then they start to make out. There's a lot of lip smacking and Sean grunts.

They they both get into their bathing suits and walk down the beach and act surprised when they see wild monkeys right next to their cameraman. Then they feed the monkeys and I was hoping the poop flinging would start.

Then the sun starts to set so they take this opportunity to make out in the water. The monkeys are still hanging out around them. I want to shield the monkey's eyes from the make out session. Lindsay mentions how she hasn't told Sean she loves him yet. Her day is almost up, she better do it before they have sex. Because, seriously, who does that after they have sex? Ridiculous.

Later on that night, they walk up to a couple of parade floats that look like they're straight out of the Vegas strip. They sit down between the floats and drink wine from giant glasses. Then Sean asks Lindsay if she would be willing to movie to Texas and of course she says yes because she loves Sean and she loves being a part of a 6 month celebrity tabloid engagement. More emotional piano music plays and then Lindsay talks about how she loves Sean but she can't tell him. She then rambles on and on about how much she wants to be with Sean. Sean tries to pry the words "I love you" out of her, but she doesn't say it.

ABC producers then attempt to drag out the suspense by bringing out a bunch of dancers with long fingernails and people playing instruments to break the awkward moments. I was so much on the edge of my seat I fell off.

Sean knows Lindsay wants to say she loves him, so he decides this is a perfect time to give her the "Invitation To My Room To Have Sex Envelope". It's a letter and a key from Harrison. The letter says that Lindsay and Sean can spend the night together touching each other where the bathing suit covers up. Although Lindsay can't tell Sean she loves him, she's more than willing to spend the night doing the horizontal no pants dance with him in merely days before she might be getting dumped.

They walk into the fantasy suite and sit down on a couch to talk some more. I'm so sick of talking between these two. It's gotten so bad, that they're not letting them have sex so that they can fill time with more talking.  Lindsay finally says, "I love you" and super loud Disney music plays. It blast through the speakers so much that my neighbor just said, "I CRIED IN THAT PART OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST TOO!"

Next date is AshLEE's. AshLEE has already told Sean she loves him, so hopefully there conversations will have a little bit more substance (don't plan on it.) AshLEE talks about how happy she is that ABC...er...Sean rather took her on so many adventures.

Then they get into a boat and AshLEE continues to remind us how much she loves Sean, even though she says she can't describe how much she loves Sean. Sean has the sweet Ray Bans on again.

Sean tells AshLEE that they're going to hang out on a beach for the day, but there's a catch. ABC realizes they haven't had AshLEE have a nervous breakdown about her control issue yet, so they have Sean tell her that, in order to get to the aforementioned beach, they have to swim through a dark cave. The music gets super intense. Sean's just excited to be able to take his shirt off again.

AshLEE once again reminds us how her parents didn't want her and she compares swimming in a dark cave to making herself "vulnerable" and falling in love. I don't get it. Why am I doing this to myself?

And again, she reminds us about how caves aren't her thing and that she was adopted when she was a kid and she was scared, like being in a dark cave and I hate everything about everything. Even caves. Caves were cool. Now I hate them. I hate AshLEE's stupid analogies.

They swim through the dark cave and it's boring. Sean says he's happy that he gets to be the protector of AshLEE in the cave where it's just the two of them....oh and that cameraman, boom mic operator, oh and most likely some medical personnel on the boat following them. But besides all of those people, he's protecting her all by himself.

They finally make it to the other side and make out. AshLEE talks about how swimming through the cave has made her a changed woman. And about how she no longer needs to worry about being abandoned because they swam 50 feet in the dark. If she no longer has to be afraid of her history, then she should have to stop talking about it. She then says she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with Sean, the guy who just had sex with another girl and is about to have sex with another one tomorrow. AshLEE sucks.

AshLEE says, "Every part of my being wants to be engaged to Sean next week" which means, by default, her rectum wants to be with Sean.

They sit in a small hut on the beach and drink alcohol. AshLEE basically tells us that, even though she's willing to spend the night with him, she isn't going to have sex with him. Then they talk about being engaged and how serious of a commitment that is. Sean tells AshLEE how amazing she is. AshLEE is quick to counter with telling Sean how great of guy he is and he says, "Stop it."

Then Sean says, "If I get down on one knee, that means I'm spending the rest of my life with you." I hope he goes back and watches this episode either before or after it's revealed in a supermarket tabloid that he's cheating on this game shows winner.

Then they make out some more as Ashley talks about love....you know what? No.

Sean then takes out Harrison's invitation to the sex room. Which, now that I think about is kind of creepy. Sean then says how he doesn't want AshLEE to get the wrong idea of what the invitation means. Going to a room to spend the night alone where there's a bed, alcohol and no camera crew watching your every move? Yeah, I'm sure she won't get any ideas. Still, he assures her that he just wants to hang out and talk with her and she says she's afraid of what being in a room alone with a bed and alcohol and no camera crew, could mean, but still says "Yep. I'm in."

They go to the room and talk some more about not having sex and just talking. AshLEE tells Sean what kind of ring she wants and her ring size. Then, they make out some more. Sean is a liar. He told us that they would just talk.

Back from break, ABC doesn't mess around and puts happy piano music on full blast to the point of where I had to turn down my volume. Then, the cameraman stands right in Sean's line of sight to capture Catherine run up and grab unsuspecting Sean. Sean acts surprised. It's really fun.

They get into a boat to sail around Thailand. At this point, I'm sure Lindsay is really happy that all AshLEE has to do was swim, and Catherine gets to just ride in a sailboat while she had to eat bugs.

They drink alcohol from basketball-sized champagne glasses and talk about how silly they are together. Then Catherine talks about how she has a serious side, but the serious side is because she's so weird most of the time. Then she says she's serious, but she's weird and fun. Don't you have taxes to file or something? It's tax season. Stop reading this and do your taxes.

Catherine rambles on more about how she's ready to be married. She said one of her best friends is married and she can tell her friend anything because her friend is married. Then they talk more about being quirky and weird together. They make out.

Sean then decides that they should put their fun/quirky/not-so-serious-but-serious-in-a-fun-way relationship to the test and be takes his shirt off. Catherine mentions how she hasn't told Sean she's falling in love with him. But since Sean didn't take her to a mountain to climb, she settles for relating jumping into the water to jumping into love. I just ordered a bear trap so I can stick my head in it. In 5-7 days, I can blame Catherine for being mortally wounded.

They snorkel around and make out while standing in the water. I was hoping a jellyfish would come and sting Sean so Catherine would have to pee on the wound, but instead I'm graced with more of them making out during a thunderstorm.

They walk up to their dinner table where food is already sitting (and probably cold) waiting for them. Catherine talks about how she hasn't told Sean she loves him yet (again). It's like she's not even trying.

They talk about being married and it's super boring. The Catherine talks about how nervous she was to come on this show because she knew that there was a possibility that she would be offered a night with Sean in the Fantasy Suite. She talks about how she wants Sean to know that she's "not like that" (aka a slut) and that she wants to be seen as a lady. Then she says, "But I know it's not about that, it's about just spending time with you." Also, to make out with a guy who has just spent the night with 2 other women.

Sean gives Catherine the sex offer (or, you know, just another room to "talk in") Catherine is shocked there is a key in the envelope even though she just talked about how she knew this day may come for her. Sean reassures her of his "intentions" and without even thinking about it, Catherine says "I'm in." They make out some more.

So, all of the dates and all of the sex is over and there's still 40 minutes of this shit left. To fill this time, we're shown a sneak peak at Oz: The Great And Powerful. Although this movie looks like an unholy pile of CGI cow turds, I'm happy they're not using this filler time to review stuff we just watched on the Bachelor. I miss Tierra's eyebrow.

Back from break, Sean talks about how he doesn't know who to pick and who to dump while he gels up his hair with standing in nothing but a towel. He then puts on a crisp purple shirt and some dress pants and walks up to Harrison for a pointless interview.

They sit and Sean tells Harrison about how hard it was to send Desiree home last week, and it's going to be even tougher to dump one of his girlfriends this week. Random shots of Harrison as he shows his "I'm interested" face. Harrison then asks if Sean thinks that his wife is still on the game show, and Sean says yes. Harrison pretends he's shocked and excited, even though he's done this for like 25 years now and every relationship turned into a tabloid tire fire.

Harrison then tells Sean that each of his 3 girlfriends have made a video for Sean. Not that kind of video, you weirdo. Just a video to show how much they love the guy they've known for a month and a half and beg him not to dump them.

Back from break, Sean is still staring at the pictures of the women and talking about how he thinks he knows who he is sending home, even though he lied to Harrison and said he knew who he was sending home. He's like the Brett Favre of The Bachelor. He's certain about his future, and then changes his mind. I say a prayer that Sean is here for love and not for fame.

The video messages are stupid. All of the girls just talk about how great everything they did with Sean with music from Charlie Chaplain movies playing. Of course, AshLEE can't get through her 1 minute video without crying uncontrollably. ABC must've just fired their intern video editors because they decided to leave in the snot and sobbing. Even Sean looks annoyed. I'm starting to sense AshLEE is going home. Sean then stands to think and there's more thinking.

On to the Rose Ceremony. It's raining and Sean says the rain brings a depressing mood, so ABC buys the licensing to dramatic piano music and hits play. Then Harrison tells the girls that Sean is about to come and dump one of them because they've never been to a Rose Ceremony before. He also mentions that Sean is contractually obligated to get down on one knee next week and propose to one of the women.

Sean comes out and gives some pointless speech about how much he appreciated having sex with each of the women this past week. Then he talks about how he can relate to the girl that is about to get dumped because this was the week that he got dumped by Emily. It's super dramatic and a violin drains out the rest of the orchestra.

Sean picked up the first rose and of course we're shown a solid minute of people just looking around. Then, he picks up the second rose and we're treated with what seems like 8 minutes of people looking around. Then, Sean dumps AshLEE. Boom goes the dynamite! I just fell off my chair again! I LOVE THIS SHOW! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111

AshLEE walks away without saying good bye to the girls. Sean tries to walk after her, but she tells him to not bother. Because she realizes she's contractually obligated to hear Sean's reasoning, so she stops. Sean gives a long, drawn out speech about how he never wanted to hurt AshLEE and that he still thinks she's an amazing person. She stops being mad about being dumped and totally 180's by smiling and saying, "Go get 'em, Sean. Your wife is in there."

Just kidding. She says, "Alright." and gets into the snot-fest van. She then goes on an angered rant and her eye starts to twitch and I'm pretty sure she may try to cut the cameraman. She then says that this scripted game show where the contestants date a man who has 25 other girl friends that he makes out with multiple times on any given night and then dumps them later on only to tell the remaining girls that they're the "right girls for him" was no joke to her. She took this seriously.

She then turns away from the camera so we don't see her cry over being dumped by Sean. Sean is then shown being sad about dumping AshLEE in front of another fountain...in the rain. Oh my God I love this show.

During the credits, Catherine and Sean talk about how much of nerds they are by talking about math stuff. I hate math. Next week, it's another recap of this season as it is the "Women Tell All" Episode. Or as sane America will refer to it as "The Episode Where Every Women Takes A Last Ditch Effort For Publicity By Attempting To Talk Over Everyone Else And Hate On Tierra" I don't know if I'll review it. You can't force me. I can only force myself. I hope Sean gets diarrhea.

Asking For Your Daughter's Hand In Marriage While Dating 3 Other Women

Another season of The Bachelor is (not so quick)ly coming to an end. Sean Lowe has just 4 girlfriends left (AshLEE, Desiree, Catherine and Lindsay) and this week, he will be going to all of their hometown's to meet their families; most notably their fathers. Is that the right use of a semi-colon? I don't know. Never do anything "semi", folks. Go all the way, or go no way at all.

Anyway, Sean will ask "Hey Dad, I know I'm dating 3 other women besides your daughter, but I want to ask if it's ok to have your daughters hand in marriage if I decide to take her over my other aforementioned girlfriends."

AshLEE gets the first visit and it's in Houston, Texas. Before Sean gets to meet AshLEE's parents, he meets up with AshLEE and her dog Bailey, to sit on a blanket, and talk in the middle of a field to drink alcohol. 

AsLEE says, “To bring home this man, I’ve been excited about this for as far back as I can 

remember.” When did she think about this? When she was 3? 4? That’s impressive considering

 there’s a good chance that she was sitting in her poppy diaper watching Sesame Street at this 

age.

AshLEE and Sean continue to talk about how much they have in common. Both of their fathers 

are preachers at churches. So, I’m sure when they both told their respective fathers they were 

going on this show, it went over well.

AshLEe then reminds Sean about how great of a person he is because he’s like her adoptive 

father and then puts her hand on his leg near his crotch. It’s awkward. Even Bailey looks like he’s

 ready to run from the moment. Sean responds by telling her how amazing she is, and she says,

 “God, you amaze me. Everytime.” There’s so much amazement between these two that they 

make out. AshLEE says she full trusts Sean with her heart now. Last week, she was worried that

 Sean thought she was a drama queen, but all of that’s gone now because he said she’s 

amazing.

Finally, Sean gets to meet his first family. AshLEE's dad is a tall man with hair that looks like a bird just got tangled up in it and a mustache that deserves it's own area code.

They eat lunch at a table in the middle of a field, which is kind of weird. AshLEE's father wants to talk about the journey they've had so far. AshLEE brings up the polar bear plunge in Canada and tries to make it a metaphor about falling in love. Her dad doesn't look impressed. Probably because he just realized his adopted daughter's boyfriend had a bunch of women swimming around in freezing water with him and immediately assumed that Sean helped them "warm up". It's just what dad's do.

AshLEE then makes the conversation even more tense by telling her parents that when they were in St. Croix there was "a lot of romance." Her dad scoffs and her mom looks like she wants to cut off Sean's ear with an olive fork. She warns Sean that they need to talk. Sean tries to relieve their worries of their daughter's nationally televisied relationship by saying, "all in good fun, of course." but dad does not seem convinced. This could be a sign that I can finally stop typing AshLEE soon.

AshLEE's mom takes Sean so they can talk. She asks Sean if he's going to break AshLEE's heart and he says, "I don't plan too." Which is probably the answer she was looking for. AshLEE's mom recites the adoptive story that we've already her a dozen times and then they hug.

Next Sean sits down with AshLEE's dad and he implies that if Sean doesn't pick his daughter, it's a good thing he live in another city or he'd beat Sean up. This better be match 1 if they ever do that celebrity boxing again. 

Sean asks AshLEE's dad if he can marry his daughter and her dad says "yes." I do a fist pump. Her Dad then tells the world that he knows Sean would make a good son-in-law and is a nice fit for his daughter. Which is impressive since he's known him for all of a matter of hours.

AshLEE's (I'm so sick of doing this!) dad talks about meeting AshLEE for the first time. He said when she walked in the room he had an immediate connection with her and fell in love with her. Her mother then says, "hey, remember me?" no not really. But then dad starts to cry, and so does AshLEE. I think Dad just realized he has a daughter who doesn't spell her name right.

Next Sean goes to Seattle to hang out with Catherine and her family. They meet up in the city and give each other a big hug and kiss and then go and ride a mechanical pig. It's from this moment on that I get full clarity on what love is. It's mechanical pig riding. 

Then they walk up to the fish market and watch guys throw fish back and forth at each other. Then the one fish guy throws fish at Sean and he catches them. Catherine jumps up and down and makes noises like a Tomagachi.

Next Catherine is forced to catch fish. Sean tells us that Catherine has never caught a fish before and somehow, her lacking in blue collar labor isn't news to me.

The fish guy throws a fish at Catherine and she drops it, but fish guy yells "IT'S OKAY!!!!!" They forgive her and tell her she gets another chance to catch the fish. The moment is so tense, I pause the show to say a prayer. They throw the fish again and she catches it. What a hero.

We're then treated to a montage of things that they do including walking around and playing games. They both laugh a lot. Then they both chew gum and stick it to a giant wall that is covered in people's bubblegum. I watch for one of them to bust out the hand sanitizer, but neither does. They both must have the clap now.

Then they sit down for lunch and for the first time this year, Sean and whatever-girlfriend are shown actually consuming food. Catherine warns Sean about her mom and grandmother. She mentions a Philippine tradition that if an "elder" offers you their hand, you do not kiss it, but put it on your forehead. I attempt to do research on this but then remember what show I'm watching and there's a Sabres game on in 6 minutes. Moving on.

They go to Catherine's family's house and the family acts super surprised when they see them even though cameras were already in the room. Then Sean does the hand to the forehead thing for her grandma, I pump my fist twice and yell, "WAY TO REMEMBER, SEANIE!"

Then they drink giant glasses of wine and Catherine talks about how surprised she is that Sean got along so well with her family in the 30 seconds he's been near them. He then puts on an apron and makes food with her mom. He then does push-ups with Catherine on his back to the delight of her family. I change my previous statement, robotic pigs and push-ups with your love on your back are two ways to know you've found love.

Now, in the preview, they make it look like Catherine's sisters grill her about Sean. They ask her tough questions such as:

"So, do you like him?" 

"Can you see yourself with him and like, a family?"

"Would you say yes to him if he proposed to you?"

I called Bill O'Reilly's studio to make sure he didn't provide them with such tough questions.

Her sisters continue to talk to her sisters and the conversation is super boring. Because she hasn't filled her "traumatic experience" quota yet, Catherine reminds us of what she went through with her dad.

Next Sean sits down to talk to Catherine's sisters, he asks them if they think she's ready for marriage and the only sister that talks ever says, "she goes in 100 percent with guys." Sean gets a smirk on his face because he knows he's going to get some action on the over night date.

Next Sean talks to Catherine's mom in the kitchen. She tells Sean she doesn't want her daughter get hurt. Sean then asks her if he would be able to marry her daughter and she says, "We'll see" Sean talks about how disappointed he is. My guess is because he was so excited to know she puts out, only to find out moments later that her mom didn't give him permission to feel her up in the overnight episode. She won't even make it to that episode.

Next, Sean gets to make out...her...hang out with Lindsay. He travels to Fort Wood, Missouri to meet up with Lindsay at the military base. ABC decides this would be the perfect time to cash in on that permit to use "military style" triumphant music and we watch guys going through obstacle courses. 

Then, Sean and Lindsay walk around town and it's really boring. Then, they drink beer which looks delicious. Then, they buy a cupcake. Then Sean asks her if he should call her dad "General" when they meet and she says "call him Mark." Then they giggle and playfully argue over what he should call her dad.  I don't even know why you're reading this. Lindsay has a zit on her jaw.

Then they go outside and Lindsay makes Sean gets down and do push ups and makes him do more basic training stuff while a bunch of rockin' guitar music plays. then when he gets done, she spanks him. I hate this show.

They finally arrive at Lindsay's house and her brother looks like he's stone out of his mind. (It must just be his mentality. In case we forgot in the past 14 seconds, Sean tells us Lindsay's dad is a 2-star general.)

Everyone knows General Dads are intimidated and ABC knows that too. The producers tell Lindsay's dad to be as intimidating and stand-off as possible during their first conversation. He doesn't say a word and just stares at Sean the whole time.

Then Sean and her mom go into another room to talk and she has perfect teeth. Lindsay's mom asks Sean if he's in love with her daughter and he says he isn't sure if he does yet. She thanks him for not being in love with her daughter and then they talk some more about Lindsay.

Next Sean talks to the General Dad. He fulfills the producers request to be a passive jerk to Sean for the whole conversation. Sean asks Lindsay's dad if he can marry his daughter, and her dad says, "Are you asking me for my blessing now? Well that's kind of tough, I....um....umm.....I've never been asked a tougher question in my life." He then says yes...i think. I don't know, he goes into a ramble about marriage is like jumping out of an airplane or something. He accepts Sean and turns super smiley and bubbly. The music is super easy and happy. I cry.

Lindsay's dad gives Seans some dog tags and he hugs the man's wife. Then he hugs the son. The son still looks lost. 

Then in the driveway, Lindsay tells Sean that she's falling in love with him because her dad said she could. I spike my remote control in excitement.

Finally, the date with Desiree or Dez. Dez reminds me of Dez Bryant. Sean isn't dating a Dallas Cowboy. It's Desiree. I'm bored.

Sean goes to Los Angeles and Desiree runs up into his arms. She then says their date is going to consist of them being casually like it's just another Saturday afternoon. I'm going to make myself something to eat because this is a clear indication that the next 20 minutes is going to be filler. They just shows the smog that covers Los Angeles. I just signed up for an environmentalist group's website and posted "BACHELOR MAY DIE OF LA SMOG! TAKE A STAND NOW!"

They go back to Desiree's apartment and hear a knock at the door and the cameras are in perfect position outside to see this seemingly random act of a man walk up to the door. Sean thinks it's her brother, but it turns out to be her ex-boyfriend. He yells at her about how she won't return his calls or text messages and she tells him she's been busy on a scripted dating show.

He then yells at the camera crew and Sean and I feel like I'm watching Cheaters. This guy has little more acting talent than a fly. Sean gets angry and the camera shows him balling up his fist, ready to start swinging.

Desiree then reveals to Sean it's all one big joke. It was her revenge for the prank that Sean pulled on her on their first date. Happy music plays...or at least I think it did. I don't know. I went to my bathroom to puke from laughing so hard.

They go to Desiree's parents house and apparently wait for them to come home. Mom, Dad and Desiree's brother walk in and they're all smiling way too much. They all sit down and smile with each other some more. Desiree talks about milking a goat and drinking the milk. Then they laugh some more. It's so fun. I smile with them.

Sean talks to Desiree's dad and she talks with her mom. They don't really show either of these conversations and for once, I thank the producers. Then Desiree sits down to talk with her brother. She's worried because she never talked to her brother about dating a guy with 3 other girlfriends.

He's a tough guy. He's got a tattoo on his hand, so he must be tough. He acts like a jerk. He's skeptical of the whole dating on a national TV show thing. He tells her that this show is stupid. Super dramatic music plays as he reiterates that he thinks this show is stupid. Every time he calls this show stupid, it's super awesome.

Before the commercial break, I learned that "tomorrow night" is Sean's tell all talk. That's going on right now because it's Tuesday. (I couldn't muster the strength to do this last night.) I just yelled obscenities and punted a frying pan through my window. I hate what this show has done to me.

Next Desiree's brother takes Sean outside to talk. He looks like his face is melting. They sit on stares so her brother can be mean to Sean. He tells Sean that from what he's seen, he doesn't believe Sean is that into his sister, which is interesting because he's only known the guy for about an hour. 

Sean tells her brother that he's crazy about Desiree and her brother replies with a quick, "you're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" Even though this guy is being shown as a jerk, he's completely correct.

Then they share a moment of awkward silence. The brother then calls Sean a playboy and says "you're just having fun with the circumstances and whatever comes along, you just have fun there. And then you just move on to the next one." Even though this guy is being shown as a jerk, he's completely correct.

They go back inside and Desiree's brother continues to be a jerk. Desiree yells at him for being correct about Sean and this show's concept. They share an awkward dinner and talk about the weather. When dinner is done, they walk outside and Sean tells us that he's got his doubt about being able to have a brother in law who is honest. It's The Bachelor.

She then goes back inside to sit at the table. Mom and Dad tell the brother (why can't they tell us his name?) that he's not right at all about hating Sean because they've known him for just as long as they think he's a great guy. A random person walks past the window in the back ground. Who the hell was that and why do they get to leave when I have to stay and continue to watch these people?

Next we watch Sean get dressed and his abs are once again in full view. When he's done getting dressed, he stands out on a mountain to think as some happenin' music plays. Then Harrison sits down to talk with Sean about what we just watched for the past hour and a half. The conversation is so redundant. It's annoying. There's a Sabres game on so I fast forward through the conversation. When the conversation is done, Sean walks over to the pictures of the girls so he can think about who he is going to dump. 

Finally, at the Rose Ceremony. Harrison comes out to talk to the girls and then Sean comes out and gives a speech about family. Family is important to Sean. It's so important that he tells them that family is important to him.

When Sean picks up the rose, Desiree stops him and asks him to talk in private. By private, I mean cameras follow them to the next room. Desiree apologizes for the way her brother was super honest with Sean. He tells her to not apologize and she cries. She then continues to apologize with a whispery, choppy voice. Whispery isn't a word.

Sean gets down to the final rose. He needs to drag out the final few minutes of my life, so he puts the rose down and walks into another room. Harrison and a camera crew run out after him to make sure he doesn't try to jump off a cliff or something. Sean stares at pictures some more.

Harrison gives Sean advice that Freud would be proud of. He says, "My advice? Get it right." I just shit my pants. Mind. Blown.

Sean walks back into the room where the ladies are complaining about their feet hurting from standing too long in high heels. He then gives the rose to Catherine and dumps Desiree.

She hugs her now ex-boyfriend's girlfriends and then Sean walks with her outside. They sit on a bench and Sean tries to explain to her that he's worried that he might be making a mistake. She agrees with him and tells him she knows 100%, not 99%, but 100% that this is a mistake. He says, "uh" and then they walk to the car. 

Desiree hugs Sean and blows snot onto his shoulder while telling him she should stay. Then she gets into the car and blows snot out of her nose for a solid 3 minutes.

My guess is that she's going to go home and castrate her brother with a broken beer bottle.

During the credits, we're graced with Lindsay and Sean eating cupcakes. They smash cupcakes in each other's faces. I love this show.

I Can't Control My Eyebrow

This week is important for Sean and his girlfriends. It's important for Sean because Sean is starting to love these women. It's important to the ladies because this is the last time they get to hang out with him before 4 girls take him home to meet their families. Considering how important the stakes are, this episode was super boring.

Sean Lowe and his 6 remaining girlfriends are headed to what Sean is contractually obligated to call "the most beautiful place in the world", St. Croix. St. Croix is in the Virgin Islands, which is hilarious because by the end of this season, I guarantee there will be no virgins women on this show, once Sean gets done with them.

Just kidding, there weren't any virgins to begin with.

Sean does a little self-recap by talking about how when he was in Montana, he was unsure that his future 6 month wife was one of his girlfriends at the time. But then he went to Canada and realized that his wife is in the room. No man can enter Canada with 9 girlfriends and walk out without knowing one of them is his future wife. No one.

When the girls arrive to their resort, Tierra starts off with a quote we all can enjoy: "I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriend, I'm just not." I wonder if anyone has told her that they're all dating her boyfriend and have made out with him on multiple occasions. She then proceeds to brings out a bed that is similar to ones found in most camping cottages out to the living room and says she just wants to not be near the rest of the girls. My guess is that she is referencing to when she's sleeping, and therefore unconscious which makes sense, because the producers will make sure she's around them the rest of the time.

AshLEE gets the first 1 on 1 date. Sean and AshLEE walk down the beach and there is a boat out in the water. Sean says that the boat is going to take them to a private island, but first he and AshLEE must swim out to the boat. We're 5 minutes into tonight's episode and FINALLY Sean gets to reveal his abs. He had to wait a long time to do so last week, so I'm sure he feels so much more comfortable this week.

Because no one on this show can go 6 minutes without talking about a traumatic experience they had growing up, AshLEE takes this opportunity to remind the world that she had a tragic past. She remind us all that she was never loved by a family when she was a kid, because she was an orphan. AshLEE starts to cry and I cry along with her. Everybody is crying. I pause the show for a minute so I can wipe away the tears...

They both jump off of the boat and into the water and the music is touching. AshLEE says, "I'm happy. Through the tears, I am happy." Me too, Ash. Me too...

Back at the resort, all of the girls except Tierra hang out on the beach and drink alcohol. They start to complain about Tierra and comment about how she's sleeping on a cot. Lesley says, "I want to roll away her roll away bed into the freaking ocean." Then they all talk over each other and complain about Tierra's complaining. That's right, they take this time to complain about someone else complaining. I hate this show.

Then Lesley says, "I don't know what makes her think she has the right to be such a spoiled brat." If you remember, they're sitting in one of the "most beautiful places in the world" and is staying in a resort that cost more per night than what 80% of America citizens make in a month... all on ABC's tab. Yet she is complaining about someone else being spoiled.

Back at the date, AshLEE takes this as a perfect time to open up to Sean about how annoying Tierra is. She rambles on about everything that is bothering her and then Seans talks about how great AshLEE is for hating Tierra. Then they go out near the water and lay in the sand and make out.

We go back to the resort and find out that Tierra gets the second 1 on 1 date. The card says that Sean wants to take Tierra out and walk the streets of St. Croix. Because Tierra's sole purpose on this show is to make the other girls and the viewers angry, she complains about how much the 1 on 1 date disappoints her. She complains that there is going to be bugs and how the heat is going to make her sweaty and her make up run. I run outside into the street and yell, "TIERRA, IS NOTHING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!?"

Sean takes AshLEE to dinner out on the beach, which must make her really happy to walk through sand in high heels. Sean drops a bomb on AshLEE by asking if there is anything he should know about AshLEE's family before he potentially meets them. AshLEE looks shocked by the question and then proceeds stall as much as possible before telling them. She rambles on and then finally tells him that when she was 17, she married a guy. Sean takes this information well by saying, "You were a married junior? That's young." She then says she cried the night before she got married, but then told herself that she needed to do it in order to not fight with her adoptive mother. I don't get how getting married at such a young age would have helped that situation. But whatever, this show is garbage.

Sean tells her that she isn't "broken" and she thanks him for thinking she's not an idiot. And then they make out some more. AshLEE then gets up on her chair and yells, "HELLO ST. CROIX!" and Sean does the same. Way to steal Catherine's idea, AshLEE.

BUT WAIT! I immediately retract that statement, because then AshLEE raises the bar by saying "I LOVE SEAN!" and super happy piano music plays. It's so emotional. I love it. I love everything about this show. I was wrong. It's so perfect.

Next is the second 1 on 1 date. Sean is shown standing on a dock in some sweet Converse and he talks about how he needs to talk to Tierra about how evil she is. Tierra complains about how sweaty and thirsty she is and then they walk the streets and shop. Tierra talks about how much Sean knows her because he took her shopping, yet 1 minute ago she was complaining about having to go shopping. Then a parade comes down the street and Sean and Tierra dance with the people in the parade, because Tierra loves doing things that encourage her to perspire. It would've been awesome if she became a hot sweaty mess like old men in a sauna and Sean says, "easy on the the water bullets there. You know what? I'm done."

They buy snowcones and sit on some stairs to talk. Sean asks her about why she's so crazy when he's not around and she tells him she thinks all of the other girls are jealous of her. He then asks her if she would handle the girls hating her differently and she said no. She could be gone.

They go to eat dinner and Tierra complains about how Sean has been acting distant on their date, even though they danced and made out in the street. He says he agrees with her that he was distant, but it was because he was told by AshLEE how crazy she is.

Then they go out to a dock and sit to talk and Tierra talks about how mad she is for the other girls conspiring against her. She says "I can play the game too". She then tells Sean that she's falling in love with him and then they lick each other's tongues. I'm not kidding, it looks like they're licking each other when they make out. Sean then does a complete 180 because he realizes that Tierra loves him and thus will get it on with him.

Sean then gets a super fun idea that he stole from Ben (or was it Brad? Jake? I don't remember. I've watched too much of this show) and goes to the girl's room at 4:42 in the morning to take pictures of them and take them on an early morning group date. The girls complain about how they smell. Catherine says she's low maintenance and just needs to pee and then is ready to go. Lindsay talks about how she hasn't shaved her armpits in awhile. This is such an awesome show.

Sean and the girls jump into yet another Jeep and drive out to the farthest point east in the United States so that they can be the first to see the sunrise. I was hoping there would be a few fishermen out by them who heard Sean say this because it would have been awesome if said fisherman waited until the last second and then jumped in front of them and said, "Now we're the first ones to see the sunrise! Suck it, you blue eyed smiley freak!"

Anyway, the girls pretend that this was Sean's idea and talk about how great Sean is for coming up with it. They all celebrate the sunrise by drinking orange juice out of champagne glasses and Desiree complains about having to share watching it with her boyfriend and his other 2 girlfriends. Sean then said they're going to drive around the island and explore on their way to the other side so they can see the sunset.

Sean and his 3 girlfriends drive to various landmarks on the island and it's super boring. They stop at various places and comment about how great this road trip is. They go to a tree house in the middle of the jungle and pretend to be Tarzans and I regret my TV being able to have sound. Then Sean and Desiree (or Dez) go to some vines and Dez ties Sean's hands together. The other two girls complain because their boyfriend is hanging out with another girl and it's not fair. I hate this show.

They finally make it to the other side of the island and hang out on the beach. Sean decides it's time to let loose some abs, so he suggest they all go swimming. They take off their clothes and jump in the water.

Lindsay and Sean sit on the beach and talk. Sean tells her that she was crazy for wearing a wedding dress the first night and she laughs because she'll do anything to make him happy so he keeps her on the show. He then says that on the first night, he wasn't sure if he should keep her because she was wearing a friggin' wedding dress, but he knows he made the right choice by doing so and then they make out. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities of this show.

Sean then throws her aside and takes Catherine to talk. To fill her "Traumatic Experience Reveal" clause, Catherine talks about how her dad won't be there if Sean comes to visit her family next week. The music gets super sad as she talks about how her dad is fighting depression and she barely talks to him. Sean thanks her for telling him about her depressed father and then they see a dolphin in the water. I don't know whether it's the depressed father story or the dolphin, but it puts both of them in the mood and they make out.

Finally, Sean takes Dez to be alone and talk. Sean asks her about her family and she starts to cry for no reason. Realizing this is her last chance to show emotion before someone is given the rose, she then tells Sean and the rest of us how important her family is to her. She then talks about how great her parents love is and how bad she wants that. I pause to ponder if Desiree's parents found true love by going on a scripted dating show where her father dated multiple women at the same time. Just kidding, I just needed some relief from her crying for no reason.

Sean then takes out the rose and gives it to Lindsay. The other two girls pretend to be happy that their boyfriend likes another girl more than them and then they all go out to watch the sunset.

Lesley M gets the final 1 on 1 date. She talks about how she's known him for so long (or, you know, 6 weeks) and she still gets nervous when she sees him. I can relate, I get similarly nervous when I see chocolate peanut butter pie that's 6 weeks old, because I don't know if it's still good or not. Or the commercial with Natalie Portman in it. That's a good time for me.

Sean tells Lesley that they're going to go and pick fruit. Lesley produces more cliches in 10 seconds than Jason Pominville. She refers to Mount Washington as "gorgeous" and says "It's like Sean and I have our own private garden. It's a dream come true. It's amazing." Sean then tells her that they're mangos in the garden and she is shocked for no reason.

Lesley them talks about how she's watched this show in the past and thought the girls were fools for saying "I love you". But since she was able to get onto the show and has this shallow chance at fame, she proceeds to say how the girls aren't fools and she understands where they're coming from because she feels the same.

They sit down to have a picnic and Lesley literally says literally like literally like 14 times when she literally is like talking literally about her family and how literally great Sean will literally fit right in with them. Literally.

She then says she wants to tell Sean she is falling in love with him, but couldn't tell him today because it didn't feel right. She's a goner.

Sean complains about how he and Lesley haven't made out enough so far on the date. Lesley tells him that her expectations have been exceeded so far on the date even though they haven't done anything but walk and talk. Sean has the clear look of "why don't you stop talking and let's make out" on his face. Lesley better get the message or he's going to put her on the fast track to state fair saleswoman. She looks like a skeleton.

Lesley then talks about how she wants Sean to meet her family and it'll be a slap in the face if he doesn't want to. Which makes sense because it's not a slap in the face that her boyfriend is dating 4 other women.

The next day, Sean is pacing around on yet another dock in another button down shirt and shorts. There's so much dock walking that I feel the need to go to the beach and walk on one by myself too. He then acts surprised when his sister Shay shows up and then talks about how she's the one who signed him up for the show. Because this is a great way to find everlasting love. They sit down and drink alcohol and talk and the conversation is super scripted. Shay says she just wants her brother to make sure that he picks the right one because some Bachelors in the past have picked the wrong one and the marriage hasn't worked out. Which, based on my calculations is every Bachelor, but whatever.

Back at the resort, the producers put Tierra and AshLEE in a room so that they can fight, but make sure the cameras are there to see. Tierra talks about how Sean acted distant on their date and how she believes that AshLEE is trying to sabotage her relationship with their mutual boyfriend.

Tierra then says "Men love me" which I'm sure is something Sean will want to hear later. Tierra then walks away but the producers throw her back into the bedroom with AshLEE and the rest of the girls so they can fight some more. The fighting is incredibly annoying and incoherent. They both just talk over each other while Lesley and Catherine watch.  Tierra then goes into a rant about how she can't control her eyebrow. I lol'd a ton and then high fived my cat because she mentioned it.

Back from break, the girls are still fighting. Tierra yells about how great of a person she is and the rest of the girls are jerks. Sean then shows up and all of the girls smile and pretend like nothing has happened. Sean goes to Tierra's room and she is crying. She whines to him about how she thinks that AshLEE stabotaged their date. Super dramatic music plays as Tierra confesses to Sean about how sad she is. Sean tells her he knows that she cares and then Sean goes outside to think.

When he comes back in, Sean tells her how much he cares about her and then he dumps her. She apologizes for being so dramatic and then he walks her out. She gets in the car that is conveniently waiting for this random dumping, and she whines more about how the girls sabotaged her relationship. When the car drives away, we see a bunch of producers hanging out in front of the resort so they can give Tierra her last paycheck before they send her on her way. Sean goes back to his sister he dumped her and she congratulates him for dodging the psychopath.

The other girls get together to complain about and mock Tierra some more. You know, Tierra is a horribly shallow idiot with a messed up eyebrow, but for girls who claim they're super nice and super understanding, they sure do enjoy complaining a lot.

Sean shows up and tells the rest of the girls about Tierra leaving and then tells them he doesn't want a dramatic girl for a wife. AshLEE talks about how he looked at her when he said this, and now she's worried.  The producers decide to play some quiet piano music as the girls talk about how AshLEE may have screwed things up. the producers are heard saying, "you're damn right you did!"

Next is the Rose Ceremony. AshLEE is already crying and being dramatic because she's worried that Sean thinks she's dramatic. I hate this show.

Sean dumps Lesley and I'm sure she's really happy they're in the books for longest kiss on camera. Lesley then cries to the camera and says rejection is a horrible thing. Catherine, who got rose cries and complains about getting a rose because....I don't know. Whatever. I'm done.