There's An 11.1% Chance Your City's Hot Tubs Are Where To Find Love

As you recall, our crack squad of soon-to-be-forgotten fame seekers are all headed to the land that brought us neutrality, pocket knives, and Roger Federer. That's right, this week we're headed to Switzerland.

Oh fiddlesticks, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before we go to Switzerland, we get a bunch of Ben talking while looking out the window of the airplane. For the first 10 minutes, Ben reviews each of the women and talks about how he loves them and can see himself with each of them. He then reminds us once again that he loves the country of Switzerland. Oh and how he's getting married to one of these women because he loves each of them.

This show is so horrendously redundant.

The 4 are in the Swiss town of Interlaken. Nicki says, "I can't imagine a more perfect place to be in love." This is the 9th place that has been mentioned as the perfect place to be in love. Based on Bachelor logic, this place has a 1 in 9 place to be the perfect place to be in love. That's a 11.11111111111111111111111% (repeating) chance of falling in love.

Bad assumption Nicki. Bad. Assumption.

The first date has Nicki and Ben being picked up by, you guessed it, A HELICOPTER! Ben actually sounds like he's mocking the repeated use of helicopters on this show when he reveals it to Nicki. But Nicki will have none of it. Nicki gets super excited at the site of the helicopter.

The two fly over mountains. Nicki talks about how beautiful this country is. Ben says flying over glaciers and sharp rocks is like being in an adventurious relationship. He also says he wouldn't want anyone else to be on this adventure but Nicki.

Just remember that over the next few days he's going to be having sex with with 2 other women.

After they're done with their stupid metaphors, they land on top of one of the mountains and Ben whips out the picnic basket. They sit to drink wine (there's no food, they're drinking on empty stomachs? Probably. Logic? They didn't blow chunks on the helicopter ride.)

Nicki rambles on about how happy she was that Ben likes her family. Then they talk about how great the conversations is that they're having. Seriously, nothing is said here. All they do is talk about talking and about how great it is to be talking. Nicki said she just wants to scream from the top of the mountain, Ben turns and "hoots" like an owl. Nicki again says she's in love with Ben after that.

They get back into the helicopter and get taken to another mountain and the helicopter leaves. Nicki says, "The view is endless. Which could be compared to our future together." Please, just someone stab me in the face with the corner of a lego piece.

The corners of Legos are sharp. I'm sure they could do some damage.

Back from break, Ben and Nicki are walking to dinner. I was hoping that the helicopters were just going to fly away and never come back. If you remember, Ben has some serious survival skills as covered by the time he was left with...um...one of them on a deserted island. I guess on this small mountain peak they couldn't hide the interns very well.

Nicki squeeks while walking. I don't even know what's going on with that.

They go to a log cabin to have dinner. Ben asks Nicki if she's thought about what their weeks and weekends are going to be like after the show. Nicki says, "I've thought about it, Ben. A lot. And it's crazy to think that our first adventures were in Sonoma (his home), San Fran, and then it's like giddy, get to know you and like 'oh this is where he lives and this is where he works!'"

Through this rambling response, as she always does, Ben gives the most unintentionally hilarious response to her:

"Yeah. That was the point."

Eventually they get on the subject of having kids. Ben says that he wants to have 4 and Nicki gives him a shocked facial expression and says she always thought to have 2. I think it would've been really great if she just said "that's too much" and got up and left. Instead, she immediately backtracks her desire for 2 and says that she'd be willing to have as many as Ben wants.

All of this making babies talk is getting Ben in the mood. He decides this is the perfect time to give a key to Nicki to invite her to spend the night discovering the spots where the bathing suit covers up. Which basically translates to, "if you want to be my 6 month wife, we must go and have sex right now at my command." Nicki says she accepts and they make out. Nicki asks when they can go up to the room and Ben reveals that he's ready to go and get laid right now.

They make their way to the Fantasy Suite and ABC makes sure they show the entire room. Just so all of us guys remember that our "hey, you wanna just get a room at Econolodge?" question sucks royall ass. And then they show the bed, to remind us of where the heavy petting is going to be happening tonight.

They sit down and talk some more. Nicki starts laying it on thick, basically telling Ben that she's the only girl in the world that will work for him. It's rather amusing how desperate she sounds. Then they move to a hot tub and make out some more.

Nicki once again says she thinks Ben and herself will be happy together for the rest of their lives. I hope she remembers saying this a million times on this show when she's arguing with Ben about how he went and bought a 6 pack when he was suppose to go to the store to get diapers for 1 of the 4 children. Two of which she will remind him she didn't even want.

The next date is with The Lying Horse Girl. I've really given up on the whole name thing. I thought it would be funny to keep adding on it, but it just got really annoying. This show is annoying. Everything is annoying. Are you still reading this?

The couple walks through the woods and Ben acts shocked when he sees that they're going to be repelling down a cliff. Because the producers didn't tell him where they were going or what they were doing. The music gets super intense as Lying Horse Girl panics. If you recall, she's terrified of heights.

Ben has the look on his face that says "I'm going to F#@$ destroy these producers." As they hang in the air, Lying Horse Girl says that hanging off a cliff is like being in a relationsh...you know what, forget it. Not only are you probably sick of the metaphor jokes, I'm sick of trying to find new jokes about them. This shit is so stupid. (I try not to swear in these so they don't get blocked by certain sites. But I can't take it anymore.)

The music turns adventurous as they risk death, because it's the only way to know if you love someone. Before they reach the ground, Ben grabs Lying Horse Girl and they make out. The producers must be glad about this because it would have been a huge waste of time and money if they didn't act like this brought them together. They get into a hot tub and Lying Horse Girl talks about how happy she is that she's here with Ben. There's more talking. It's really boring. And then they make out some more.

Back from break, the two sit down for dinner and...FART FACE MONTAGE:

What the hell is going on with her hair, anyway?

There's really nothing else exciting about this dinner. I think Lying Horse Girl professed her love for Ben, but I'm not really sure. I'm not really paying attention. Lying Horse Girl sounds like she's losing her voice.

Ben gives Lying Horse Girl a key to the Fantasy Suite and she says, "Normally I don't just, you know, go stay the night with anyone. But I would love to." It's good to know that she wouldn't normally do this, but since she wants to stay on this scripted game show, she's willing to have pre-martial sex with a guy she's known for weeks on national television. They go up to the room and they make out on the bed.

Finally, Ben is going on a date with the paid actress, Courtney. Ben is going into this date with the premise of being worries about Courtney's attitude toward the other women.

They get onto a train and Ben says that there's something romantic about riding a train. I really don't know what that could be. Especially on the train they're on. It's got hard, wooden seats and is bright yellow. If this is the basis of being a romantic thing, he could have just taken her to a booth at McDonalds.

They go to random shops in the small village and buy food for a picnic. They decide the perfect spot to consume food is near some cows. Ben asks Courtney if she's ever played the game "Hey Cow". She says no and when asked how you play, Ben tells her the rules.

"You yell "HEY COW!" at the top of your lungs and if they look at you, you win."

"Oh ok"

(Courtney turns to the cows) "HEY COW!"

(The cows don't look.)

Ben: "Well, you lost."

What a douche.

Courtney tries to apologize for being mean and demeaning to the other girls. Ben tells her that it was a concern for him for awhile. Courtney fixes her hair at least 12 times during this conversation. This episode seriously hasn't given me anything worth writing about. I'm grasping at straws here.

Courtney apologizes for being mean and wishes that she would've handled the stuff with Emily better. Ben says he thinks she's great because she was able to pretend to not be a paid shit stirer for a 2 minute confession. He offers her the Fantasy Suite Key and the chances of the producers allowing Courtney to say no to one more week of getting ratings were as about as good as the chances of this show getting cancelled in the next 2 minutes. They go back to the Fantasy Suite and make out some more in a hot tub. Ben talks about how small the hot tub is but how he enjoys it. Courtney climbs on him and they make out some more.

Because this episode just doesn't have enough content (which, I'm sure you can tell by now), they reveal this Fall's Bachelorette which is Emily Maynard from Brad's season. I know I thought it was a sure thing that the next Bachelorette was going to be Emily from this season. There's too many Emilys in my life and there isn't even an Emily in my life. I don't know any Emilys other than these two. I'm tired.

From the looks of the preview, there's going to be no change in the amount of crap this show produces. Already, Emily has reminded us 3 times that she's a single mom who wants to find happiness with a guy again.

ABC gives us a huge morale boost by having former Bachelorettes Ali and Ashley H. show up to "train" Emily on how to be the Bachelorette. This whole sequence is super nauseating. The three of them act like the Three Musketeers if the Three Musketeers only goal in life was to make America have a Russian Roulette party.

First, they walk into a store and buy Emily some clothes to wear on the show because this is absolutely neccessary to find love on a game show. After that, they go and get make-up done even though they already have make up on. And finally, ABC needs to plug Titanic 3D to help fill ABC/Paramount Pictures/Leonardo DiCaprio/Kate Winslet's pockets. So, they have the girls go to a movie theater to watch the movie. Ali says that she's excited to go and watch this movie and hopes Emily can create her own love story. Because nothing could say love more than watching a movie where one of the lovers dies.

I may have just ruined the end of that movie for some of you. If I did, too bad. I don't care. The movie came out 15 years ago. Go watch it on VHS.

So we're enticed to go to re-see this movie in the theater and give them millions, Ashley H. then reminds us that 3D movies are in 3D. She says, "I feel like I'm there. Like I could touch that." as she's making this gesture:

She must be referencing touching Kate Winslet's boob.

Back from break, Ben walks out to the balcony to reflect on who gave him the best sexual experience over the past 3 nights. Just as he's remembering his awesome experiences, Kacie B. shows up to ruin the fun and once again I have to listen to her whiney voice. Her seemingly random flight to Switzerland, cunning intuition to which hotel and hotel room he's at is all documented by the cameras and microphone operators. Ben, with the cameras in perfect place to catch, shows a state of shock when he opens the door. This show is garbage.

Kacie B flew half way around the world to accomplish what a simple phone call could have. She wants to know what happened between her and Ben. He says that after meeting her family, that he wouldn't be able to give her what she needed. He basically tells her that being interrogating by her over protective, non drinking dad was what killed her chances with a win producer who wants to marry her after knowing her for 4 weeks. That's probably a run on sentence. I don't care. Why are you still reading this? Kacie B. sucks.

Kacie B. drops the BIGGEST BACHELOR BOMB to date. She tells Ben that she doesn't like Courtney and that she's not right for Ben. She tells him that Courtney's comments have been red flags that she's not in it to marry Ben, but to win a game show. Because we all now this isn't a game show. This is a TRUE way to find love.

Kacie B. leaves the room and lays down on the floor in the hallway to get some more facetime in her "Campaign To Be the Bachelorette." More voice over of her complaining again. Ben is sitting on the couch and thinking.

Back from break, Ben stares at the pictures of the girls and contemplates Kacie B.'s return. ABC pushes Chris Harrison on camera so the two of them can sit down and talk. Ben tells Chris that Kacie B. flying half way around the world to ask him what went wrong confused the hell out of him. Chris offers to have Kacie B. come back for the Rose Ceremony but Ben declines. There's more emtional music as Ben stares at the pictures of the woman and, you guess it, this show is a steaming pile of cow turds.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Ben says some speech about love and how he has to know which person he wants to have in his life. He's basically hiding the fact that he's questioning Courtney's desire to be there. Don't worry, Ben. We all know the producer want her there.

Ben dumps Nicki. Nicki says she's happy he's dumped her and she says that she hopes he doesn't get hurt. She's pretty much implying that if he chooses Courtney that he's going to. She then gets into the limo and starts crying. I'd say she holds it together pretty good. She didn't drop the blurred mouth F-bombs like Kacie B did last week.

I can only imagine how awkward it must be in these limo rides for the cameraman. I'm sure he just turns on the light and sits there with his camera in his lap. He pretends the girl is not in the car with him and just waits for her to start to cry and have a snot infested meltdown. He must be well trained to know when the perfect time is to hit the record button. Too early and she may snap at him for being too anxious. Too late and he may not get the initial running of the mucus waterfall.

So now Ben has it down to the final two girls. Lying Horse Girl and the paid actress. The producers are really trying to throw America a curv eball this year. Usually they have the paid actress gone by now.

Next week all of the women come back for the "Women Tell All" show. I really hope they just talk about how much Ben is a douche.

I know they won't. But one can dream.

Bachelor Review - Please Come And Meet My Robot Mother

How many of you sitting there right now can name the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Quick, off the top of your head. What are they're names?

If you didn't stop to try and think of them and kept reading, 1) you must be really anxious to read about this terrible show, or 2) you think I'm going to give you the answer to this.

And you're right. The correct answers are: Courtney, Kacie B, Nicki, Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll.

Now that I think about it, Lying Horse Girl's interest in horses now makes perfect sense.

That's right, people. Ben is down to the final 4 women in his journey into televised, contractually scripted dating show. Let's BRING IT!

This week is the big week where Ben is going to the town of each of the 4 women to meet their families and watch as the family's sanity is challenged when wondering why their daughter is professing love to a man they've known for weeks. In case you forgot from last week and the 5 million times it was mentioned, the stakes are super high and each minute with Ben is crucial.

We first travel to Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll hometown of Ocala, FL. She claims she's super excited to have Ben come back and meet her parents because she's only done this one time before. That one time turned out to be the guy that broke her heart. When Ben shows up, he mentions that it's super sexy to see her (i'm really just trying to prevent having to type this Godzilla-of-a-name I've created) riding on a horse. He then promptly helps her get off the horse.

Lying Apocalyptic Horse...yep, takes Ben for a ride on her horse and she says, "If Ben ends up with me then horses are going to be a part of our live." I hope this is true. Picturing these two in some sort of weird revamp of Mr. Ed would be awesome. Especially if the horse just bit them every time they came into the barn.

Lying Horse...yep, then compares getting kicked off a horse and then getting back on like getting heart broken and then going back and trying again. We're not even 5 minutes into this week's episode and she's already nailed another love analogy. I can't count this anymore, it made me want to scream at kids walking home from school.

The two stop underneath a tree where there is a blanket and some lunches put there by the producers. I'm shocked that they didn't try to play it off that the super spontaneous and awesome Ben didn't have this in some sort of backpack or something. The only conclusion I could come up as to why they wouldn't have him carry it is because they were riding on a horse carriage directly in the path of the horses' ass gas and poo bag.

Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses...HEADFAKE, talks about her past relationship and Ben compliments on how proud he is that she's finally opening up to him. He tells her how happy he is that she opened up and told him about her past relationship. And then they make out.

On the ride back to her house, she attempts to start singing "Over The River And Through The Woods". This is how that brilliant attempt went:

"Over the woods and through the..no. Over the..through the woods..through the..water." Basically, she could have just thrown monkey dookie at a 10 foot tall fan and gotten the same result.

The two head back to meet her parents. The parents act surprised when they see them ride up in the horse carriage, though cameras are sitting there to show their excitement.

The 4 of them sit down and talk about Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll (I was due) parents getting married at the exact same city hall in San Francisco that Ben and Lying Apoc-SYKE broke into a few weeks back. She acts as if she's surprised and it wasn't like the producers either knew this, or told the parents to say it.

Dad then challenges Ben in a horse race. Lying Apocalypse Horse Girl and Ben vs. her parents. Dad then Dad tells Ben that they're not allowed to run this race without trash talking.

The music gets super dramatic and starts to sound like ESPN's Sports Center theme in 1984. Dad and Ben trash talk and it's pathetic. The parents win the race and make Ben and their daughter pull them back the house. .

The next part gets super boring. Ben has a one on one chat with her mom and he mentions how he didn't realize how big horses are in Lying..yep's life. Mom mentions how they fended off boys and made her stay focused on horses. By my calculations, that means she would be on many websites for very sick individuals.

Ben then talks to her dad and he seems like he may have a few drinks in him. The producers must be so proud that their focus on intoxication on this show has now had collateral damage on parents.

They make a fire and cook smores. Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl's...wassap parents say they think she found a keeper he tells them that they raised a great girl. Dad proposes a toast and says that they would love to have Ben as their son in law after knowing him for one afternoon. After that, Ben and Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And thisiswhereIforgottherest decide they should walk away from the parents and into the dark woods to make out in celebration.

It's really quite obvious, this girl is going to win.

Next, we venture to Clarksville, Tennessee to visit the family of the girl who's voice sounds litterally like nails on a chalkboard if the nails could wine while scraping: Kacie B. I'm not sure why this show is still referring to her as Kacie B. There's no other Kacie for her to be confused with. In fact, there never was another Kacie for her to be confused with. There was a Casey S. But Casey S. spelled her name that way; the right way.

Honestly, I know the answer. I'm trying really hard to just focus on something else while Kacie B. talks.

Ben shows up to a football field where a high school marching band is playing They eventually reveal Kacie B. who is twirling a baton behind them. It appears to be raining and dreary which is why I was hoping that she would've slipped and fell at one point. I didn't get my wish.

They walk up and talk in the bleachers. Kacie B. reveals that the football field they're at was named after her grandfather. She tells Ben about how the most influential story of her life is the story of her grandparents love for each other. I'm so glad that their love story was what influenced her to go on a prime time dating show.

Kacie B reveals to Ben that her dad is a probation officer who doesn't drink. This comes as a surprise to Ben who just cracked open a bottle of wine 20 seconds prior. Kacie B. says they're in the Bible Belt and Ben says they're in the Bourbon Belt. Kacie B. lets out a super annoying laugh. I hate this show.

Ben and Kacie B. head back to her parents house to have dinner. Kacie B.'s sister, who looks like a salamander, is there as well. After dinner, Kacie B.'s dad takes Ben aside to talk. It's not so much as getting to know him as it is an interrogation. I'm convinced this guy has partners of his in the next room, checking Ben's fingerprints as they're talking.

Her father says that he hopes that if Ben realizes Kacie B. is not the one for him, that he dump her soon so that she doesn't get to involved and it crushes her in the end. The guy seriously looks like he just wants Ben to get abducted by aliens.

He then talks to her mom and she basically tells Ben he's not allowed to do anything with her daughter until they're married. If her parents aren't making the next person Ben is going to dump obvious, then I can't help you.

Kacie B. then sits down with her dad and he tells her how stupid it is to try and find love on a televised dating show. I suddenly love everything about Kacie B.'s father.

He then tells her that he wont let her marry Ben and Kacie B. gets mad. She says she knows that Ben is the right guy for her because she's been dating him with 24 other women for 8 weeks. She says she thinks that her and Ben's relationship may have just taken a bad turn and that she's scared.

Kacie B., you now know how it felt to be on the Titanic.

Next, we head to Fort Worth, Texas where Ben is meeting up with Nicki, the Wizard of Oz castle guard looking girl. Ben says he loves everything about Texas, especially Texas Nicki.

Ben and Nicki keep up the stereo-type of all Texans by going into a cowboy boot shop to buy some boots. An older man who looks like Stan Lee, if Stan Lee put on a cowboy hat and chose to wear terrible pink shirts, tells them to feel free to try anything on. I don't really have any sort of joke here, I just wanted to be able to put Stan Lee into this entry so that I get the comic book guys to come to this blog. The whole ugly pink shirt thing wasn't a joke. It's seriously a terrible shirt.

Later on they stop at a park bench and crack open the wine and drink it, which I'm pretty sure breaks public alcohol consumption laws. Nicki rambles on about how excited she is to have Ben meet her parents. Which is something we're shocked to hear.

They arrive at one of Nicki's parents house. I'm not sure which one the house belongs to because the parents are divorced.

Anyway, so they know all about what it takes to be married long term to someone. Nicki's mom pulls her into a side bedroom to talk about Ben. The camera shows her mom awkwardly rubbing her leg. It's kind of disturbing. I don't really remember what they talked about because I was trying not to focus on the weird thing that was being shown. I'm sure it was nothing more than talking about Nicki's divorce and how excited she is to love again. That's all that happens on this show. Metaphors about love and people talking about the metaphors of being in love.

That and dead relatives.

Nicki then talks to her dad and he tells her that he has to be careful this time because he may have

given her hand before he knew it was right with her last marriage. He then starts crying, Nicki starts crying. The Wicked Witch Of The West is melllllllllllllting from the tears.

Had to.

Nicki's father then says he approves of Ben and that he would love for his daughter to marry him. After dinner, Nicki takes Ben to the bedroom and professes her love to him by saying "like" 5 million times. Then, they make out.

Finally, Ben goes to the hometown of the paid actress named Courtney. Courtney lives in Scottsdale, AZ. Or, as I'm sure she calls it "the breeding ground for my scorpions."

Ben meets up with the paid actress' family which probably means they're all a bunch of paid actors and actresses as well. They sit down to have lunch (not dinner, it's too bright for dinner). Courtney's mom's chin is something that legends are made up. She looks like she doesn't even need a plate, she can just place her Caesar salad right on thing.

The rest of the lunch is super boring. Boring because Emily isn't sitting at the table for Courtney to harass and make fun of. Courtney mentions how she feels bad about making fun of the other girls. Which is good that she decided to wait until none of them were around to confess this.

Courtney's mom calls her out about being able to fall in love in 8 weeks with a guy who was dating other women on a scripted television show. I liked Kacie B.'s dad for doing this to her, but I don't like Courtney's mom. Ok, that chin looks like it could cut steel piping. I better say that I like her before it tries to cut me.

Courtney sits down to talk to her mom and her talks like she can't remember the lines that ABC has given her. Either that or she's a robot. Robots are awesome.

Ok, I like Courtney's paid actress mom because she's a robot and that bleeping chin.

They grab themselves a picnic basket and take a walk to a park to have a picnic...even though they apparently just ate at Courtney's parents house. Finally Ben is shown actually chewing. Courtney confesses that she wants to have Ben in her life but can't tell him that she loves him just yet

Minutes later, Courtney tells Ben she loves him. She find a super creative way about doing this. She takes him to a wedding alter where a Justice Of The Peace magically appears. They both write wedding vows and she makes him put on a bow tie. They put twine wedding rings on each others fingers and she says she loves him in her wedding vow. I seriously need to stop doing this.

Back from break, Chris Harrison decides to sit down with Ben back in LA and talk about the last 2 hours of the show. This show lacks so much content. It's so redundant, but they need to fill time. If they honestly wanted to entertain me, they could've just shown bonus footage of Courtney being demeaning to Emily.

I just fast fowarded through the rest of this interview.

Aty the rose ceremony, Chris re-re-re-re-re-eff my life- explains that there are only 3 roses on the table and that one girl is going home. This guy really can put "game show host" on his resume? I think we should have Chris be The Bachelor one of these years. He would just try to explain the rules to himself and then get super confused. Then he'd try to interview himself and regurgitate the same story to himself and finally tell himself that there's only one rose left on the table and yeah it's late I need to wrap this up.

Ben stands in awkard silence and then dumps Kacie B. I'm kind of surprised. I honestly thought it was going to come down to her and Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And dammit I thought I would get it this time.

Kacie B. tells Ben that she doesn't want him to be sorry that he dumped her on national TV. They share awkward silence as she cries and then she gets into a car and complains about how she thought she was what he wanted. She then sounds like she just had someone punch her in the gut in mid sentence. There's so much sobbing and squeeking going on. It making me uncomfortable.

She then asks, "WHAT THE F%#$ HAPPENED!? WHAT THE F#$@ HAPPENED!?" as if he totalled her car or something.

Ben goes back inside and makes a joke about dumping Kacie B. You're right, people. He is kind of a douche.

Then he reveals that him and the three remaining girls are going to go to Switzerland. A neutral country where Ben is going to show no bias to any of the 3 remaining women.

Next week, he's going to have sex with all of them.

No judging.

It Took Every Frickin' Fiber Of My Being To Not Spring Across The Room And Punch Her In The Face.

Today we celebrate the day of love. It's Valentines Day and couples everywhere take this day to celebrate the love between them. What better way to celebrate the love that two people cherish by blogging about a man who dates multiple women on a scripted reality show? There's no other way.

ben flajnik is a douche.

Douche. Douche Douche.

Bring on the views, America!

This week The Bachelor takes us to Belize which I think is in Mexico. I don't know where it is. All I know is that it's not Sonoma and it's not Ben's home.

Our episode starts out with Ben driving a boat and talking about how important this week is. Ben has narrowed his search for fake love down to 6 women and he needs to cut it down to 4 because next week he's going to meet his future 6 month in-laws. It's such a crucial week. The stakes are high.

Then we get the women on a plane who, once again, talk about how crucial of a week it is because Ben is going home to visit the remaining contests families. Nicki says it's a crucial week and the stakes are high.

If redundancy was a federal crime, these people would get gravy dumped on them and locked in a room with rabid pitbulls.

"Our room is beautiful. But unfortunately I'm sharing it with 4 other women and a shark." Emily says this and references Courtney as being a shark. Emily says shark, I say "future QVC salesmen on late night informercials for swords." Tomato To-mah-to.

Chris Harrison shows up and explains the rules to the girls. Again. The guy is useless.

Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll gets the first date. Emily whines to the camera by making a stupid metaphor, "It's like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake and put it in front of me and then someone else takes it, says "Bye bye" and walks away...with my cheesecake. In swim trunks." That's deep, Emily. Somewhere, Plato and Socrates are attempting to die again by taking turns at headbutting concrete.

Metaphor about love count: 1.

She then makes this face:

Words cannot describe how unexcited I am for the next 2 hours.

Ben takes Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll in a helicopter to a remote location in the middle of the ocean called "The Blue Hole". It's a 500 foot deep part of the ocean that is surrounded by coral reef. Ben tells Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll that they're going to be jumping out of the helicopter and into the Blue Hole.

Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll says she's afraid of heights, which exactly why the producers put her into this position. You must face your fears and risk death in order to fall in love.

The two of them use another wonderful analogy and say this is comparable to being nervous in a relationship and then just going for it.

Metaphor about love count: 2.

"Holy sh*tballs I just jumped out of a helicopter!" exclaimed Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll. Too bad they didn't land on the coral reef and Ben's leg didn't get cut.

They both talk about how proud of one another they are and then proceed to make out. Lying Horse Woman Who I'm So Sick Of Typing The Name Of says she's in love with Ben.

Later on at dinner, Lying Horse Girl Who-screwnames... makes another fart face:

She tells Ben that she's falling for him and that she wants to bring him home to meet her family. Another fart face:

This is getting ridiculous.

Ben then reveals that he has a great idea. He takes out a pen, a piece of paper and a whiskey bottle and says they should draw something funny on one side of the paper and write something serious on the other side. Ben says it's like their relationship.

Metaphor about love count: 3

Lying Horseihatenamesthati'vecreated says they're getting the best of both words. They choose to do the serious side first and write a fairy tale that's basically the story between the two of them so far. They talk about how they met (she rode in on a horse), to when they have made out and finally how she came over her fear of heights just hours earlier by jumping out of a helicopter into the ocean. They then walk to the end of the dock and throw the bottle into the water.

Then never mention what the "funny" side of the paper was. I really wish they would've done this. I really hope that it was them mocking Chris Harrison hair like preteen girls do in high school.

Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll throws the bottle into the water and mentions how she hopes that whoever finds it gets to live the fairy tale that she's currently living. I hope that a local, who has been out fishing all day and has caught nothing finds it. Just when he thinks he's got a fish, he ends up getting this bottle stuck in his net. This will result in him getting so mad that he pees all over it and uses the note to start a fire.

Emily get chosen for the next date because ABC needs yet another plug for the Fall's Bachelorette. The helicopter pilot must've told the producers that they're sick and tired of this scripted reality show because instead of her flying in a helicopter, the producers shove her into an airplane. When she meets up with Ben, the two of them ride bicycles through the Belizian (is that right? I don't care.) streets. They stop at a local basketball court and play basketball with some guys there. Emily plays basketball in a dress because she's smart. They mention how this is such a perfect vacation at least 5 times in less than a minute. Emily rounds of the last mentioning of this perfect vacation by saying it would be even more perfect if her boyfriend wasn't dating 5 other women. She must've forgotten what show she's on. Either that or she's dumb.

Ben suggests that they kill lobsters and eat them for dinner. A local takes them out on a boat and Emily says that spontaneity is important in a relationship. She then talks about how great Ben's desire to do random things is. In this case, it's going through with ABC's planned, scripted instructions of performing their own little lobster genocide.

Lobsters are really fast underwater. Ben and Emily let us know this as they try to catch them with their hands. They struggle as the lobsters repeatedly swim away. Ben finally manages to catch one. Emily catches one short thereafter However, we're never actually shown her catching it. An intern just got hired.

After "catching" the lobsters, they make out in the water and talk about how them working together to catch the lobsters is like people working together to make a relationship work. I hope the local who took them out on his boat left them or this would be super awkward.

Metaphor about love count: 4.

Back at the resport, Lying Horse Imsotired and Courtney talk about how Ben is on a date with Emily. Courtney complains that Emily treated her bad and Ben knows this. She then says she wants to have a man that treats her good and makes her feel like she's important and wanted. Never in this whiney, crying rant does she mention how she wants a man that isn't dating 5 other women. She then says that she's not going to accept a rose from Ben if he doesn't pick her to go on a 1-on-1 date with him.

We're back to Emily's 1-on-1 date with Ben (you followin' me camera guy!?). The two them are dancing and Ben acts shocked at how much of a party this is. I'm pretty sure these are the same guys playing music when they were dancing earlier in the day. These guys must've given ABC Producer's the Payless BOGO deal.

At dinner, Emily complains more about Courtney. There's a shocking sentence. She then reveals to Ben that she's ready to bring Ben to her family. they make out and the camera zooms in to what looks like Emily licking Ben's lips. I'm not kidding. It's super awkward.

Again, back at the hotel (I'm sorry, I can't help this anymore. They're all over the place.) a table apparently delivers the date card to the remaining girls. The music is super intense as we await to see who gets the final 1-on-1 date. ABC of course gives it to the paid actress because the producers tell Ben to give it to her. The rest of the girls in the room look super annoyed. Kacie B. talks about how she wishes she could punch Courtney in the face. I was really hoping to see this happen. Instead, she says Courtney is a black widow and she wants to smash her between her hands and get spider guts all over them.

Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple, which I'm pretty sure just set in motion the apocalypse of 2012. Ben and Courtney act shocked at the size of the temple and talk about the human sacrifices that went on there. They stop about half way up and decide the location where hundreds if not thousands of people who had their hearts cutout for sacrifice would be a good place to stop and eat lunch. The music gets super intense as Courtney tells Ben that she was going to leave if he didn't give her this date. He tells her that in the group dates he's noticed Courtney. If you remember correctly, she showed her breasts.

They continue to climb to the top and Courtney says it's like them taking the steps in their relationship.

Metaphor about love count: 5.

They pretend it's some huge feat when they reach the top where a camera man is already there to film them. No one ever mentioned his struggles. They just had to carry a blanket and some alcohol. He had to carry a camera and equipment.

Courtney says "I feel like I'm on top of the world again. Actually higher." This proves that she's an alien.

Because Ben hasn't mentioned his dead father in awhile, he brings him up as they sit atop the temple. He says that his dad would be proud of what he's accomplished, which is climbing a temple and each lunch where they performed human sacrifice. Then, they make out some more.
Later on at dinner (they never show anyone eating), Courtney tells Ben that the producers want her to take him home to meet her family. Ben says he believes in soulmates, ABC says they believe in ratings.

Courtney then talks about how none of the other girls like her. She complains about how boring they all are. I can feel my IQ going down as she talks. In fact, I'm letting it play right now while I'm typing because I got so bored. She's a horrible human being.

I'm still not paying attention. I think they're fighting. ABC is frantically trying to find the "we override Ben's decision" clause in his contract.

She then goes gangsta and pretend to be shooting the rest of the girls with her fingers.

Again back at the hotel, the table delivers another date card. Kacie B, Rachel and Nicki are chosen to go on the 3-on-1 date which means this is easily going to be the most whiney, annoying date yet. Ben sneaks into the girls' room at 4am and wakes them up. Lying Whats-er-name-whatever says she's glad she slept with a shirt on. Nicki says this is the definition of sexy while she shaves her crotch and Camel Red shaves her armpits. It's a real ROTFL moment. Ben is so fun and so are these girls.

The girls claim that they got ready super fast in the darkness of 4am but the sun is well in the sky when they walk outside. Camel Red reminds us that the stakes are high right now, because we forgot in the past half hour.

All this talk about steak is making me hungry.

Camel Red talks about how excited she is to be on this date because they're doing something in the water. Ben reveals that they're going to be going shark diving. Camel Red set herself up for disaster as she now reveals she's super afraid of sharks. The look on her face says it all: "I shouldn't have told the producers that Jaws scared the living sh*t out of me."
Ben uses another metaphor about facing your fears (sharks) is like facing your fears in a relationship.

Metaphor about love count: 6.

These hacks will make anything an analogy about being in a relationship. I really want the group to go to a giant pit full of starving gerbils and be forced to go into it. Then I hear how the gerbils knawing at their skin is like being in a relationship. I really everyone to get eaten by a shark at this point.

The producers tell Kacie B. and Nicki to get out of the way for a minute so Ben and Camel Red can be alone. This is so we can get the full magnitude of Camel Red's immense fear of sharks. To get Camel Red as petrified as they possibly can, the producers throw meat into the water to attract the sharks.

Ben finally gets her to go into the water. they hold hands and swim. The other two girls don't even matter anymore because they didn't show they were afraid that they weren't going to get eaten by the sharks. Kacie whines that Camel Red is taking up all of Ben's time. She needs to talk about puking some more. No, better yet, she should just puke on a shark to get her point across that she wants more attention from Ben.

After they're done, they all sit and have drinks together. Ben takes Camel Red aside and she tells him that she wants him to come home and meet the family. Nicki reminds us that this date is crucial. I'm so sick of hearing the word crucial.

Nicki takes Ben aside and tells him how her dad would love him and she wants him to meet her dad. That was a really confusing sentence. I'm sorry. I'm so tired of this episode. I don't care anymore.

Kacie B. says she wants the rose today. Aside from puking during the Super Bowl and complaining about how he's on dates with other girls, this is seriously all this girl ever talks about. She tells Ben that she loves him and she wants him to meet her family. Do these girls have to do this individually? Can't they all just get in one room and say it in unison? It could be like one big cluster bleep version of "Heal The World". Without Dan Aykroyd.

Ben gives the date rose to Kacie B. She squeels like a rabbit that's just been poked.

Ben then says "I want to thank you girls for everything you talk about." and the 4 of them share an awkward moment of silence for a good 10 seconds.

The 3 girls say that Ben should watch out for Courtney and that she's lying to him about everything. Ben says he needs to question his decision and wonders if Courtney is really a different person behind his back. Because, you know, if it wasn't scripted this way, he can't just watch any of the footage so far.

The girls then go to some sort of bungalow bar. Nicki once again reminds us that this week is super important because 1) two girls are going home, and 2) Ben is meeting the parents next week.

I numbered them. In case you forgot.

When they sit down, Lying Horse Girl i'mnotdoingitanymoretoday says that it's super important to get a rose. Nicki says that this is a super important rose ceremony and sweet merciful God please kill me now.

Kacie B mentions how these roses given out tonight mean you're taking Ben home to meet your holy hell i'm going to start eating my keyboard.

Chris Harrison, who I'm actually considering a savior from these girls right now, shows up to explain to the girls there's not enough time to have the girls get drunk at the cocktail party. Either that or there was a miscalculation on ABC's "alcohol budget". I don't know.

The dream machine has just killed it. For the 100th time in this episode alone, Chris Harrison reminds us that everyone who gets a rose tonight is taking Ben home to meet their family and tonight was important. Thanks, Chris. Please have your face meet the business end of a wood chipper.

Ben shows up to tell two women that he doesn't want to meet their family. But first Ben throws the world a curveball by asking to take Courtney aside to talk to her. The music gets super dramatic as she rambles on and on about how she wants to be here for Ben and doesn't care about impressing the other girls.

When they walk back to the group, the mood is tense. The producers tell Ben to give Lying Horse I'vehaditwiththisepisode and to The Wizard Of Oz Castle Guard/Nicki (i've used both names and don't care enough to go back and change it to just one) so they can get suspense of the final two being the paid actress and Emily....oh and Camel Red.

They don't even show Camel Red this whole time. She's done.

Chris Harrison walks out and reminds anyone who can't count higher than 3 that there's just one rose remaining. Emily talks about how Courtney is done for.

After a solid 30 seconds of everyone just staring at each other, Ben gives the rose to Courtney.
Camel Red says she's tired of being disappointed and slightly cries on camera.

Emily cries and snot oozes out of her nose so much that she turns away from the camera, whipes snot from her noise and says "ew."

See you this fall, Emily.

Showing Your Love For Someone By Rambling On About How You Want To Kiss Them.

I've been getting a lot of hits these past couple weeks because I titled one of these reviews "Monica Said Douche". The number one search that has brought people to this blog?

Check this out:

You go, America.

Just for the extra hits:

ben flajnik is a douche.

This week the group is venturing to the world of Panama City, Panama. The girls once again try to BS us by saying Ben has taken them to Los Angeles, Sonoma (which is his home and it's where he lives and he'll always call it home), San Francisco, Park City Utah, Puerto Rico and now Panama City, Panama. No wonder there are so many single men in this world, no one is as awesome as Ben.

"I honestly do not know what to expect." - Nicki. I can tell you what is going to happen, Nicki. Courtney is going to be paid to stir things up, Emily and others are going to cry and you're still going to look like a castle guard from the Wizard of Oz.

The girls arrive at a resort that looks like a giant steel vagina:

they all talk about how wonderful this place is and it's the perfect place to fall in love. I can't imagine there are too many perfect places to fall in love in this world, but according to all of these girls, Ben has managed to hit 6 of 6. Every place they've gone to so far as been the perfect place to fall in love. God Ben is so perfect.

Ben is getting some real feelings for all these woman who have already told them that they love him. He says he's halfway though this venture and he can see himself with one of these women. He then re-re-re-re-re-re-explains how this show works. One 1-on-1 date, one group date, and one 2-on-1 date where Ben remembers he's on cable TV and can't live every man's dream.

ABC tells Chris Harrison that he can go out and eat locals so they can have Ben to deliver the date card to the ladies. Kacie B gets the date card and Blakeley attempts to strangle her (not a joke.). The date card mentions how she should choose three things that are needed for survival.

Kacie B talks about how this second date could be a sign that he wants her forever. Kacie B's voice is really annoying.

They take a helicopter to a deserted island. Kacie B. talks about how excited she is to have a whole island to Ben and herself. Whenever I told women I knew for only a few weeks, that I would take them to a deserted island where we could be alone, they would tell me "That's just creepy. Go away."

Kacie reveals that she brought a green stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy to the island. There are real life survivors of real life crisis' ready to punch themselves. Ben brings a machete, a fishing net and matches.

Ben tries to be a man and chop down some coconuts from a tree. He fails and most likely an intern came in with a chainsaw to help them out. He then tries and fails miraculously at fishing with just a net. Ben says, "we may be just having coconut for dinner." Ben attempts to chop open a coconut while Kacie B. talks about how turned on she is with his determination. I shouted at my TV, "HE'S JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE, KACIE B! WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY!? ROTFL!"

The two magically get a fish in their fishnet and are magically able to chop down coconuts with ease. They start a fire and cook the fish on a piece of coconut leaf. Ben talks about how teamwork was the reason why they were able to catch this fish and drink the coconut water. I can't believe that neither person has mentioned how they should start populating the island.

They then decide they've had enough of mocking everyone who's ever been stranded in a difficult situation and call the helicopter and tell it to come and get them.

At dinner, Ben talks about how important it is to have fun in a relationship. It means a lot to him. He then bastardizes this preference by saying he wants to get serious with Kacie B at dinner. Conveniently, Kacie B. says she needs to start opening up. Kacie reveals that back in high school she had an eating disorder for a year. She says her parents caught her puking during a Super Bowl party. I bet this happened during the halftime show. Why, you ask? Because there's a good chance thiis was the half time show that featured Aerosmith, Nelly, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, and N'SYNC. No doubt Dad said, "This sucks. I'm going to take a piss before I puke on our TV." Oh the irony Mr. uh...B.

Ben talks about how Kacie B's eating disorder is something that he'd like to know about: "Kacie B.'s eating disorder is a monumental moment in her life." After this recap I'm checking if we can build a monument of Kacie B.'s stomach next to Mount Rushmore.

All of these trips that he's paying for out of pocket is really starting to add up. So the fact that he can save some money by having a "I'll just have water" woman when they go out to eat is comforting to his bank account. Very smart tactic Kacie B. But I'm onto you.

Ben gives her a rose and they walk the streets of Panama City and makes out in front of locals. Kacie says she's in love with Ben. I am now puking.

Ben is then shown cruising down the river all by himself in a boat that is at least 40 feet long. He picks up the soulless whores and Jamie talk about how manly and hot Ben is because he is driving a boat. In case you forgot how dumb Jamie is, here you go:

The group discovers some local kids playing soccer. They decide to stop and say hi, but the kids run away; which makes kids that much more awesome. They follow the kids and pretend to be shocked to see a village, as if the cameras that were already placed throughout it weren't a dead giveaway that they were going there. The tribe embraces them and takes the girls away from Ben. All I can say is, we do not have to worry about virgins being sacrificed in this group.

The girls go to get some genuine jungle people outfits. Courtney, the paid shit stir-er, decides to show some blurred boobs. The rest of the girls look shocked, but the men and boys in the tribe suddenly love everything about this show.

Ben comes out dressed in nothing but....drum roll please...a loin cloth! You see what I did right there? I held you in suspense. The Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart attempts to do the same thing, but she doesn't get a drum roll at all. Stupid Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll.

A local man gives the group paint so they can give each other paint tattoos. Courtney paints B+C=<3 on Ben's shoulder and the rest of the girls get mad. She then plays soccer with the kids and her clothing falls off. The locals are so happy that they dance in celebration of Courtney's breasts. Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll takes Ben aside and tells him that she's cried knowing her boyfriend of 3 weeks has multiple girlfriends. Ben says he knows she doesn't want to go to Dumpsville again and they make out.

I counted 4 fart faces during that conversation.

Ben steals Courtney to be alone with her because ABC tells him that this girl is getting ratings and they are getting great bang for their buck. She tells him her room number and then implies that she'll be there waiting with a bottle of wine and some physical intentions.

Jamie asks Camel Red if Ben is a good kisser. Because that's what evert girl wants to ask other women of her boyfriend. She realizes she hasn't been showing Ben affection and rambles on about it...to no end. On and on and on. ABC producers realize this is a perfect time to have Courtney stick her proverbial wolf fangs into the situation. She strips down to a bikini and Ben can't help but look. I can't say that I blame him, Jamie hasn't stopped talking this whole time. She talks about how she wants to kiss Ben but can't bring herself to do it because Courtney is swimming around in the back round.

Ben then takes Emily aside because ABC needs another plug of this Fall's Bachlorette. She pulls such a funny prank on Ben and then he asks her if she's past the issues with Courtney. She tells him that she is and then tells him that she's still got a problem with Courtney and will apologize to her.

Emily tries to apologize to a liquored up Courtney who crushes Emily's apology like the woman's hockey Slovakia vs. Bulgaria 82-0 game. Ben shows up and takes Lying Horse Woman Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll aside and gives her the rose.

Courtney goes up to her room with a camera crew to talk about how she can't wait to be alone with him. She puts on some make-up and then chokes up as she talks about her sensitive side. Ben never shows up and she cries into her wine glass.

Ben takes the final two ladies, Blakeley and Camel Red onto a 2-on-1 date to a Latin dance club. This is the first date where we know that one of the girls is going to get dumped after eating dinner so the stakes are as high as the chances that Kacie B. is puking right now.

Both girls take their turns dancing with Ben. It's like a 2-on-1 tag team wrestling match. Only these girls are fighting each other for Ben's attention. Blakeley and Ben are enamored with each other to the point of where they're both sweaty. Camel Red stands to the side and complains about how much of a fraud Blakeley is. The dancing is rather boring to watch but the music gets super dramatic. Camel Red looks worried that Ben can't see the lies.

Will someone please get dumped?

The awkward date continues as the 3 of them sit down for dinner. Ben talks about how nervous he is because he's sitting with two women and one of them he's going to dump while she's eating. He takes Camel Red aside to talk to her. Apparently the police have found Chris Harrison cannibalizing Panamanians because police lights flash on Rachel face during the entire conversation. Camel Red makes a sexual pass at Ben by asking what she can do to him to convince him to keep her.

Ben then take Blakeley to talk alone. Blakeley starts crying because she didn't get the 1-on-1 date. Seeing that this is her only chance, she reveals to Ben that she can do arts and crafts. She shows him a bunch of magazine collages she made about the relationship between her and Ben.

The 3 return to the awkward dinner and Ben gives the rose to Camel Red. The music gets super dramatic as Blakeley gets up and walks out on the 2 of them. Ben follows her and tries to explain to her why he dumped her in front of another woman in the middle of dinner. For some reason ABC shows a cat, Blakeley cries some more. I jump up and down knowing fully well I can stop typing Blakeley and not have to worry about spell check putting that red line underneath it.

Chris Harrison, fresh out of custody, shows up in the girl's suite and takes Casey B with him to talk. We know from earlier in the show that she's going to be crying, so this should be good. He reveals to her that he knows she has a boyfriend named Michael. Casey B. tries to explain herself out of it by telling Chris she thinks she should go to therapy. Chris doesn't buy it and she tells him that she wants to marry Ben to get back at Michael. She reveals that she still loves Michael and Chris tells her that they should go and talk to Ben about this. Chris makes her walk up to Ben's room with no shoes on, the drama is tense and music is super dramatic as they knock on the door.

Ben opens the door and is shocked to see Casey B. and Chris Harrison. The door opening is perfect to reveal a cameraman who conveniently in the room to tape the shock on Ben's face. Casey B. tells Ben that she still loves Michael. Chris Harrison awkwardly sits to the side and watches the dramatic unfold with the rest of us. Casey realizes that her chances of convincing Ben she wants to be here are slim and resorts to crying in front of him. The conversation goes like this:

"I came into this to get over a guy I was in love with who never wanted to get married to me."

"Okay."

"And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to marry me. I want to be with someone like you who does want to get married."

"I think you should go home."

Casey cries and blows snot into Chris' shirt in the elevator. He then puts her in a van and she cries some more. It's super awkward. I pretended my power went out and the TV wasn't on until it was over.

The girls let the drinks pour at the cocktail party. Nicki dances and makes out with Ben. Courtney provides the world a ROTFL by pretending she thinks she's going home and then asks Camel Red to be a mirror. She's insane. I hate this show.

Jamie rambles on about how she's prude. I'm really starting to think this girl is a virgin; just because no one could stand her. She seems like one who would ask "don't you ever wonder why there are so many stars in the sky?" when you're trying to get your game on.

Presumptions shot! Jamie straddles Ben and rips her dress in the process, continuing to not shut up through out. They make out and Jamie says she wants to get it on with Ben, but she can't. She continues to ramble about kissing because kissing Ben is something she totally wants to do but she can't do it with out giggling in the process so she decides totell him how she is going to kiss him because she wants to kiss him but she's super nervous about kissing him because she really enjoys kissing him but she's just nervouvflhgvfuoygfdvuyvydsdsvsuivs;iotttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

i just broke my keyboard. I hate this show.

Commercial Break: Uncle Jesse from Full House just got head butted by a woman.

Jamie's rambling really did her in. The rose ceremony came down to her and Emily and she never had a chance. Emily is the next Bachelorette. A dude wearing a Dick Tracey hat drives Jamie away from the house.

During the credits, Emily raps to Ben again. I forgot that she rapped. This is awful

I hate this show.