Quit Your Job And Sell Your Soul To K-Pop Or Die.

I have no intro for this episode. Why? Because K-Pop is coming. It's coming to America. And not like Eddie Murphy who's looking for a wife. No, it's coming to take over.

When they invade, they'll use MC Hammer's wardrobe and hide

amongst the columns in Lasertron.

We're a few episodes in and I haven't seen very much crying on this show. We did have the one girl who said that she hates Juan Pablo and hope he dies. But for the most part, that has been it. I am not quite sure who the paid actress is!! And it's driving me insane. You know that routine. One of the girls is a former local commercial actress whose only claim to fame is walking through the door in the background for a restaurant.  Who is it? I don't know.

The opening montage gets us ready for 2 hours of horror that would make Chuckie say, "yeah, i think you can just kill me now." Juan Pablo has taken his 13 girlfriends to Korea so that they can pretend they have feelings for him while other girls are concerned because they care about him so much that they just want to make sure he ends up with the right girl.  Run on sentences get the job done quicker.

Tonight starts out with Juan Pablo cuddling Camila and complains about how he hates leaving the ones that he loves. He gives her a kiss and said he knows she will be in good hands when he's in Korea and search for the momma/baby making tabloid machine. Then he hugs his parents and fixes his daughters wedgie. Juan Pablo is such a good dad.

We go to the mansion and Harrison lays down the rules for tonight's game show. Tonight there is two group dates and one 1on1 date. He then tells them to get their passports and they all scream like girls who just did lines and are listening to a Justin Bieber song. And he finishes it off with saying they're going to South Korea. The girls scream and hug each other because they're all dating Juan Pablo and they're friends because of it.

Clare looks like she's about to have a panic attack and is wearing a ring that wouldn't let her finger move. She just keeps saying "KOREA!  I MEAN.....KOREA!" It's deep.

Juan Pablo arrives in Seoul (which is pronounced like "soul" which is ironic because no one on this should has a soul.) and the camera catch him walking around and thinking. He thinks and thinks some more and thinks about love in between thinking. Then the girls arrive and they scream some more as they walk around the city of Seoul. Then they get to their hotel and scream at how nice their hotel is. There's so much screaming and we're only 8 minutes in.

Finally the producers decide for us who we want to hate. Nikki gets picked to be on the first group date and she complains about how she doesn't want to share her boyfriend with other women while their half way around the world. She just wants to be alone with Juan Pablo. Where does she think she is? On a dating game show?

Juan Pablo then explains to use what K-Pop is. It stand for "Korean Pop". I wish Juan Pablo would just explain to us why he can't talk. He tells us that K-Pop is taking over America. I did a Google search of "What is a K-pop song?" and the first result was "The Best K-Pop Songs of 2013". I had a listen to Heo Young Saeng's "The Age Of Seduction".  I listened for 4 seconds and then realized that this makes complete sense for this show to feature K-Pop. It's torture. This is one step short of them coming to my house and putting fire ants underneath my fingernails.

Anyway, back to Juan Pablo and Seoul-less girlfriends. As we see the girls all getting ready to see their man, Nikki is shown that she's pissed off. What a turdy turd.

Juan takes his girlfriends to go and dance with a K-pop group known as 21. He tip toes into the studio so 21 doesn't hear them coming because ABC's camera capturing this date that was booked months ago with the band's management and the studio's reps isn't a dead giveaway.

Nikki pretends that she knows who 21 is by saying they're "freaking huge". She then tells us
"One of their music videos has 21 million views. Million. That's a lot of views!" 

Oh, it's 2NE1. I forgot the cool kids of today distort the English language by manipulating words with numbers and letters. Wait a minute, why the hell is this Korean group using English?

NEway, I h8 to break it 2 u. But dis part is sooper boring. Okay I can't type like this anymore.

2NE1 dance and then show the girls how to dance. You'd think this would be awesome because they're all in yoga pants and yoga pants are god's way of saying the lust sin isn't really a big problem anymore. but it's not that awesome. It's disappointing. 

Then Juan Pablo dances. Then 2NE1 dance with them. It's boring. Kat says it's been her dream since childhood to be a back-up dancer. Since that life didn't work out, she's now slutting it up on a network dating show. Tomato- Tomahto.

2NE1 says they want to have Juan Pablo and his girlfriends come on stage and do a live dance performance with them. Kat gets super excited and Nikki says that this is her worst nightmare and that she's going to crap in her pants. Last week I got a girl getting hit in the face by a soccer ball. This week I may get a hot girl pooping live on stage? Ok, maybe this show isn't so bad.

What the hell did I just say?

The girls go into a rehearsal room and put on neon clothes from a 1991 Salt N Pepa video and shiny shoes. Then Nikki complains some more about going on stage. She's a pain in the ass.

Juan Pablo shows up in a jacket with a collar that even Vin Diesel's character in the Fast And The Furious series would say, "that's pretty excessive" and then he reminds us that K-pop is the next big thing. 

They arrive at the venue where they're going to dance. It's a mall. This is suppose to be one of the biggest K-Pop groups in the world and they play at a mall? Then we're remind 473 more times that 2NE1 is a huge band because everyone is contractually obligated to do so. 

The girls go on stage to dance. Then they dance. I went to take a dump because I sitting and watching this is my worst nightmare.

Nikki complains some more. Then the rest of the girls complain about how Kat is a natural K-Pop dancer. Then they say she's trying to steal too much of the K-pop show and she's not focused enough on Juan Pablo. That's understandable. Why would she want to stick out more than Juan Pablo's other girlfriends? That makes no sense.

The girls then remark about how it's unbelievable that no one else but them can say that they performed with 2NE1 at that show. I'm not that disappointed in myself.

Later on, the group goes to a spa...or...well, I'm not sure what this place is. But they go to it. Kat gets the first chance to sit with Juan Pablo away from the other girls so they can judge her. She tells Juan Pablo that she moved to Arizona because her dad was an alcoholic. Then, she starts to cry because she hates being vulnerable. It's her biggest fear in life. Then she asks Juan Pablo what his biggest fear is and he says it's not setting a good example for his daughter. I hope his daughter never goes down the tabloid aisle at the grocery store.

We go back to the group of girls so the camera can catch them feeling uncomfortable with Nikki. Nikki doesn't like Kat because she thinks she's fake. She says that being fake isn't going to get you anything in life which undoubtedly means she has no idea what show she's on. Then Danielle talks about how Nikki is being caddy and says she knows that's not a good thing for Camila, Juan Pablos' daughter that she's never met. 

Nikki then goes and sits with Juan Pablo so that they can talk. She tells him how nervous she is around his other girlfriends. He tells her that it's fine and that she should act like herself. After they get done, Nikki tells the world about how close her and Juan Pablo are now because they talked for 4 minutes. ABC tells Juan Pablo to give Nikki the rose so they other girls can fuel their hate for Nikki. They hate Nikki some more. I hate this show.

Back at the super white Seoul hotel, Sharleen learns that she gets the 1on1 and she isn't happy about it, so the rest of the girls complain because they don't think she really likes their boyfriend. No one has screamed in awhile The screaming to minutes ratio has dropped dramatically while the caddy to minutes ratio has gone up exponentially.

Back from break, we finally get some footage of Juan Pablo taking a shower. I can only imagine how this happen. Do they make an intern stand there with a camera while naked Juan Pablo showers with the door open? Are the producers in the living room watching old K-pop videos from 6 months ago and laughing to each other about how they made the 19 year old college intern film Juan Pablo showering? That kid is never going to grow up like a real man. I hope Camila isn't watching.

They walk around a market and eat food and try on clothes. It's exciting the same way filming ants walking across the country is exciting. They sit down and talk about how Sharleen is an opera singer. Then, Juan Pablo tells her he wants to hear her sing and takes her somewhere to sing. Sharleen says she never sings for a guy this early in the relationship. So, to recap, she's willing to share her boyfriend with a bunch of other women, but sing? Out of the question.

Juan Pablo basically tells her that she can shove that idea up her ass and that she's going to sing for him. Sharleen does a good job at standing her ground by finally singing. Then there's more singing. I miss K-Pop. He tells her that she's a good singer and then, they make out. There's lots of awkward slurping. 

Then, they go around the corner to sit down and eat some more on camera. Sharleen thanks Juan Pablo for the perfect date even though 3 minutes ago she said she didn't want to sing which was this date. Then they talk some more and it's just so much filler. Where is 2NE1? I want to watch some chicks in yoga pants at this point. They're still talking.

Juan Pablo asks her how many kids she wants, which is good conversation on the first date. Sharleen pauses and then says, "that's a whole other topic." the music goes from soft guitar to super dramatic. I start to sweat because I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm nervous. This is how I felt when I walked through the monkey house at the zoo.

Sharleen tells Juan Pablo she hates kids and dated a guy who had a kid before. She didn't like it. So since Juan Pablo is looking for a good mother for his daughter and a baby maker, he gives her the rose. The rose came from what looks like a broken telescope. What the hell is going on with this show? They make out some more.

Next is the second group date. Juan Pablo meets up with them in a market. Juan Pablo tells them that they're just going to explore the city of Seoul. Then he surprises the group by telling them they're going to go to a random Korean's apartment to do some karaoke. The girls pretend to be excited and then complain to the camera about how they can't sing. Then they scream into the microphone and all dance with maracas. I can literally feel a headache coming on. It's a good thing I'm not watching this on a bridge over the I-90 right now. Why won't my laptop overheat?

They walk around the city more and go more group date things. Then they take pictures. There's so much K-Pop music being played right now. Then they go on paddle boats shaped like ducks.

Juan Pablo takes the girls to a place where you put your feel in water filled with fish who eat dead skin off your feet. They put their feet in the water and there's screaming. The fish die instantly from the chemical enhancements. Just kidding. But there is screaming.

Then some of the girls complain about how Clare is always sitting next to her boyfriend who is also their boyfriend. You know, because she shouldn't compete for attention.

After their feet are free of dead skin, the group goes and eats octopus. Clare says, "this is the epitome of my fears." I know her dad is watching her right now and is thinking, "I've taught her so well."

Kelly accuses Clare of being a drama queen because she won't eat a tiny piece of octopus. She says about Clare, "I know you've swallowed bigger things than that." That's sexual innuendo people! She's so like 14. LOL! TTYL!

Later on in the night, the group goes to a hotel...or something. How come they never really explain where they are? Anyway, the go out on a patio to drink alcohol. Renee and Juan Pablo go to talk and Renee says she's ready to kiss him.

She asks Juan Pablo, "What would Camila think if she saw me kiss you?" Juan Pablo keeps his ambition in check by saying, "I don't know." Then, he tells us he wants to kiss her, but he's thinking about how he wants to set a good example for his daughter. Then he talks about how he's already kissed 6 girls in the next sentence. 

Then he grabs Andi and takes her aside and doesn't kiss her. Then he takes Lauren to sit on the side of the road on a curb like they're pulled over by a cop for drunk driving. She basically begs him to kiss her, but he doesn't. Lauren cries because she got rejected by Juan Pablo. What can I say? He's a great dad because sets his limit at kissing 6 girlfriends.

Then the girls sit in a group and talk about who has and who hasn't kissed their mutual boyfriend. If this was at some no name person's house, it'd be really awkward and probably would end in bloodied noses. But this is The Bachelor. This is normal conversation.

Back from break, Clare and Juan Pablo talk about eat octopus. Then, he makes out with Clare. I guess he figured since he's already kissed her, that door has already been kicked in, so he can kiss her as much as he wants while the rest of his girlfriends cry and watch. He just wants to set a good example for Camila. Then he gives the group date rose to Andi because he remembers she sat next to him naked with dogs.

Next is another cocktail party. (WHERE THE HELL ARE THE HELICOPTERS!?) The girls get drunk and cause more drama. Clare is talking to Juan Pablo and Nikki comes and intercepts Juan Pablo. Clare gets mad and walks away. 

 The rest of the girls get together to complain about how fake Nikki is. Then Clare gets fed up with how Nikki calls her fake. So she confronts Nikki about how she's called her fake. Then Clare accuses Nikki of being fake. Seriously, why do you read these things? Go to bed.

Chris Harrison shows up to break the tension. Juan Pablo gives keep insight to his thought process by saying to the girls, "This is going to be a tough, tough night."

Next is the Rose Ceremony. Juan Pablo dumps two of his girlfriends: Elise and Lauren. They have to go back to the U.S. alone and just watch 2NE1 on YouTube. Don't worry though, they're the biggest K-pop group soon to be at your local mall. Remember, he didn't kiss Lauren. Maybe it was because he knew he was going to dump her. He's such a great guy.

Next week, Juan Pablo and his girlfriend are going to go to Vietnam so they can explore the jungle that were doused in Agent Orange.

Making Out With Multiple Women Is Setting A Good Fatherly Example

Why can't the girls play shirts and skins for once?

Every season we're told about how this season is going to be the most controversial yet and each season I'm reminded why this is true. Unfortunately this season hasn't been very controversial, but that might be just because nobody can understand a man who has an intellectual skill as a grown up who can't put together a 6-piece puzzle.

Tonight's episode gets right kickin' busy real quick by a bunch the girls talking about who they think is going to get this week's 1-on-1 dates and people who whine about wanting to be on a date. We're a few episodes in which means that I can finally find a bunch of reasons to hate a bunch of women. Kelly says, "Juan Pablo and I may be that new story." because she understands that if they win, they're going to be National Enquirer fodder during their 6 month marriage.

Harrison then shows up in a shirt freshly stolen from Garth Brook's 1994 closest and the women act surprised. He explains the rules to the women because he couldn't be bothered to do anything last week and then gives them the date card.

Cassandra gets the first 1-on-1 date. But before Juan Pablo drives up in a car he clearly doesn't own, he decides to kill some time by hanging out and speaking Spanish to his daughter. They eat chicken and then Juan Pablo tells his parents and his daughter to go away so he can hang out with 1 of his 15 girlfriends.

Cassandra and the meat stick get into a giant jeep (but Cassandra says it's not a Jeep) and they drive around. Cassandra tells us about how she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years, so I'm sure she's super excited her first one in awhile is with a guy who is going to make out with multiple women right in front of her later.

Then Juan Pablo gets supa-crazy by driving the vehicle into a lake and it turns into a boat. ABC finds this to be the perfect time to play their happy pop music from one of those NOW! CDs and I start to hope that Cassandra tells Juan Pablo she gets seasick easily and pukes up a burger eaten in 1998. Instead, Juan Pablo and Cassandra yell and make funny noises and the cameras catch random people watching to see if Batman is going to jump out. Cassandra also says she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years. After they squeak and yell some more, they pull the boat-car up to a yacht to strip to their bathing suits and jump in the water. Then they swim over to the car-boat and make out.

Later on in the night, Juan Pablo brings Cassandra (by the way, she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years) back to his house and talks about how his daughter is staying with his parents, thus implying that they have the house all to themselves. Finally, Juan Pablo is using the excited sexual implications of a 16 year old to explain his plans for being home alone.

They drink alcohol and then Juan Pablo teaches her how to cook. Cassandra (by the way, she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years) reminds us again that she hasn't been on a first date in 3 years. And she says, "the last time a guy cooked for me was....never." I passed out and hit my face on the corner of my table from laughing so hard at her joke.

Then they dance and is pointless and stupid. This whole show is stupid. They're still dancing and I just ran outside and dove head first into the snow. 

Then they sit down to eat dinner and Cassandra hasn't had a first date in 3 years. Then they eat candy and chocolate and Cassandra (who hasn't had a first date in 3 years) mumbles with her mouth full so Juan Pablo can understand what it's like to listen to him. Then they look at pictures of Cassandra's (who hasn't been on a first date in 3 years) kid and then they look at Juan Pablo's kid. Still an hour and 40 minutes of this show left.

They talk more about their kids and then they talk more about being parents. Cassandra (no first date in 3 years) has a butt crack chin. Juan Pablo then tells Cassandra (no date in 3 years) he has to start making big decisions while on this show and acts like he's not going to give her the rose. And then he gives her the rose. And then they make out. And then I eat barbed wire.

Next is the group date. Juan Pablo takes his surgically enhanced girlfriends to the soccer pitch so he can hang out them and the LA Galaxy. ABC goes straight up rockin' metal for the Juan Pablo playing soccer sequence and he hasn't even taken his shirt off.

The girls show up and they gawk at Juan Pablo who is "sweaty" and "doing what he loves the most" which automatically means hanging out with his daughter is secondary.

Andi says, "This is where David Beckham played!" because I'm sure she watched 2 seconds of one of his games.

The girls get change into some soccer shoes and some get excited to play while others complain. One of the girls asks if it hurts to get hit with the soccer ball and another says, "well if you get hit in the face..." I move slightly closer to the edge of my couch in preparation for the best Bachelor moment ever.

The girls then do a skills competition of sorts and then they go back and change into their soccer jerseys. There is team red and team blue and all of the girls wear eye black. I'm a fan of some of the girls wearing eye black while I wish some others would just get "general soreness" and leave.

The girls play soccer at a level that would make most 12 year old's look like Pelee. Then Nikki talks about how she gets too competitive and she kicks a ball and hits Sharleen in the shoulder. Then they show Sharleen getting hit in the face by the ball and I am one happy camper. She still looks good in eye black.

The red team is killing the blue team, so Juan Pablo decides he's going to be the dad who comes in and makes things more fair. He starts to play for the blue team and kicks the ball between girls legs. I'm glad he didn't put any eye black on.

Back from break. Juan Pablo says, "it's very cool to be in a soccer stadium with no people" which I'm sure is what the LA Galaxy always said. 

They go up to the seats to talk and drink alcohol. Nikki gets to take Juan Pablo aside first to talk. Nikki tells him she gets nervous when she has to open up and Juan Pablo tells her that she can tell him anything. Nikki then thanks him for telling her that she can tell him anything and then she tells the cameras she knows she can tell him everything now because spend 20 seconds to tell her that she could tell him anything.

An hour and 21 minutes left.

Next Juan Pablo takes Andi to a concession stand so they can both drink fruit punch. They go into the kitchen of the concession stand and Juan Pablo asks her if she wants to cook something. She says yes...and then they make out. Let that sink in. They go to the kitchen of a sporting venue concession stand that sells stale soft pretzels, peanuts, and warm beer so they can make out. All these years later and I've wasted so much money on expensive dinners when they "make out in a concession kitchen" was right there for the taking.

Juan Pablo then takes other girls from the group date aside to talk in various parts of the stadium and this part is boring. I mean, even on Bachelor standards this is boring. I'm fast forwarding. (RHYMING! WOOHA!)

Sharleen and Juan Pablo then go to center pitch (that's right, pitch hate-mailers) to talk. And then, they make out in the middle of the pitch and the other girls watch. Andi is mad because she just made out with Juan Pablo, but now she has to sit there and watch her boyfriend, who  is on a date with 12 of his other girlfriends, make out with Sharleen. Then Juan Pablo gives Nikki the rose.

Next is the final 1 on 1 date and great squirrel turds there is still an hour of this show left.

Juan Pablo comes to pick up Chelsie at the house. But, first he apologizes to Elise because she didn't get a date and she has way too many teeth. Elise then say she feels confident that Juan Pablo has feelings for her because they have known each other for a few days.

Even my mom doesn't read this far down.

Chelsie and Juan Pablo get into the car and rock out to some Venezuelan music because ABC bought the right for it for 14 cents. Then they go to get some to eat at a Venezuelan restaurant. Juan Pablo talks about how trust is key to a 6 month marriage from The Bachelor.

Juan Pablo then takes Chelsie up to the top of a bridge for the all important "trust date" exercise. Because no one is allowed to trust someone else in a relationship with not scaring the crap out of them by some level of torture, Juan Pablo reveals that he and Chelsie are going to bungee jump off a bridge.

Chelsie then says "Oh my God. I can't do this. I can't" about 45,000 times and Juan Pablo shows compassion by saying "You ready?". We go to a commercial break and when we come back, Chelsie says, "We just jump and it's terrifying and then we just jump and we jump." and the camera catches the instructor looking annoyed. I was hoping he was just going to roundhouse kick them both off of the ledge, but he doesn't. I want someone to get hit in the face with a soccer ball again.

They talk more and Chesie says she doesn't want to do it. Juan Pablo tells her it's okay if she doesn't want to do it because her contract says she has to. Then she tells the camera that because he told her that she doesn't have to jump, she realizes that she can trust him and she can jump. So she is removed of all fear from jumping and they jump. They they make out while hanging from the bridge like bats because they just jumped. I'm sick of typing the word "jump". I'm done with this date. I just want to eat shaving cream laced with rabbit turds.

Chelsie then fills another Bachelor quota by saying jumping with Juan Pablo is like jumping into love. And since they were able to trust each other with bungee jumping, they can do anything together. This is very important for Chelsie to remember in 10 years when they're getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner and she's yelling at Juan Pablo about how his aunt always talks with food stuck in her teeth and his uncle always farts and blames it on the dog.

They go to Pasadena's City Hall so they can eat dinner and talk. Chelsie says the city hall is "crazy beautiful" and I'm waiting for the mayor to come out and yell at them about how it closes at 5pm.

Chelsie asks Juan Pablo what his biggest fear is and he says it's not setting a good example for his daughter. Which makes sense for a man who is dating 15 women right now on a game show and has made out with 3 of them within the past 24 hours. Then Chelsie goes on a ramble about what she's afraid of and I don't really care. I let it play while I was typing this and I'm not going back. You can't make me!

He gives Chelsie the rose and I explain to my cat that it's like a metaphor for the time McDonald's gave me my first happy meal. Then they go running over to a stage so they can dance in front of a rock band who plays for only them. Chelsie then pretends she remembers the words to the song she's never heard before by ABC told her to pretend she knows. Then she says, "Best. Date. Ever!" and they dance some more.

44 minutes left.

We're back from the commercial break that I was hoping would be 43 minutes and 59 seconds longer, to find Juan Pablo show up at the mansion while everyone is still sleeping. 

Since Juan Pablo is such super romantic, he cooks breakfast for the girls. He just wants to set a good example for his daughter, remember? So this is the best way to do it. Make breakfast for your 15 girlfriends.

The girls pretend it's a good thing that he sees them in pajamas and without make up. They tell the cameras that they're sure that he just wanted to come and see them in their natural setting, because ABC didn't have a part in it. 

They all eat breakfast together and the Juan Pablo tells them they're going to skip the cocktail party and just have a pool party...where they drink alcohol. Juan Pablo finally takes off his shirt and mumbles something to the camera and jumps into the water. The producers are heard in the back ground screaming obscenities and telling each small child who rides by on their bike that Santa isn't real out of frustration.

Then some of the contestants complain to each other about it stinks that they're not getting enough attention from their boyfriend because he's too busy giving other contestants attention. Then Sharleen essentially talks about how it's sad that the girls have to resort to being whores to get his attention. She says, "it's not like I don't like to have fun. I like to have fun. I just think people's definition of fun....differs from person to person." I'm glad she realizes that taking the moral high ground by making out with him on the first date was a good idea.

Then Sharleen takes Juan Pablo aside to tell him she's annoyed with cameras always being in her face. Didn't she sign up for this? How can you go onto this show and not expect a camera there when you have no make-up on and/or pooping? You have to. Whenever I go to the strip club, I expect it to be slightly awkward when I have to explain that I'm changing the TV to the Disney Channel because I'm babysitting. There's just some risk you have to accept, Sharleen.

Then Sharleen cries and Juan Pablo hugs her because he's such a good guy. She thanks him for understanding that she doesn't like cameras in her face when they're making out. So she starts to make out with him on camera. It's a real family moment.

The rest of the girls then all get together in a group so they can complain about how their boyfriend is making out with Sharleen. Clare complains about how it isn't fair that one of his other girlfriends is making out with her boyfriend. Don't you have any better to do than read this?

She runs and hides in a closest and Renee comes and agrees with her that it's disappointing to see their mutual boyfriend make out with other women. And then she tells her it's going to be okay though.

Then ABC tells Juan Pablo to take Clare aside so they can talk. Clare says a bunch of fragmented half sentences that all start with "like".  And basically tells him she's mad he's going on dates with other women. He apologizes to her for going on dates with other women and she says, "it's okay you did." Then she says she feels better because he went on dates with other women. Harrison shows up in a crisp picnic blanket shirt and takes Juan Pablo away from the women. 

Next is the Rose Ceremony. Juan Pablo tells the girls how great they are....whatever.

Juan Pablo gives a bunch of girls roses and then dumps the homeless hippie girl and some other blond girl I didn't even know was on the show. Hippie girl cries because she won't get to walk a dog naked on ABC anymore. This show sucks.

We're reminded how Sean and Catherine's wedding is going to be live next Sunday. I'm not going to watch because I live in the now and now says Juan Pablo's lack of Hooked On Phonics ass is more important than Ray Bands and The Idiot. Ray Bands And The Idiots is a great band name.

And Cassandra hasn't had a first date in 3 years.

I Expect Nothing Less Than Full Nudity For My Motherly Figure

You will show me you want to be a mom, by showing off the good to the world.

Juan Pablo is looking for a mom for his daughter and son and other daughter. He can't find it at the local bar because that would be a severe lack in dignity. So instead, he decides to make some potential moms get naked. More on that later....

Tonight we start out with a bunch of women who are already in make-up pretending to get ready by putting more make up on and talking about how excited they are for the dates on a game show. Clare tells the camera, "It's all so surreal to me. A few months ago I was at home, and going to work, grabbing myself dinner. Just an average, mundane life. I'm not the kind of person that goes to bars." So naturally I'm waiting for TMZ reveals a video of her out at a club dancing on the bar and slurring words about her hatred for Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo arrives at the house in a car that is probably worth more than most economies, funded by ABC,  so he can pick up some girlfriends and take them to places where they can make out. He walks in with a stupid look on his face and his head tilted sideways like the girl from The Exorcist. The girls pretend to be surprised.

Juan Pablo takes Clare outside and then tells the camera that he likes surprises...or something. He keeps talking like he's out of breath and makes dumb faces. Then ABC tells the rest of the girls to go outside so they can watch as he blindfolds Clare. By the way, it's totally not serial killer-ey to blindfold a girl for the first date. Not at all.

Clare asks repeatedly where they are going and Juan Pablo says, "I like to chill....chillin'." As you can see, he's a Harvard scholar. Then Clare says, "I can't see anything, so all I can do is smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle." If she wins, I can't wait to hear about how they were arguing in a Sears parking lot about how he isn't enough of a gentleman to wait until they get out of the car before he farts. He'll be like "what? I was chill. Chillin'!"

Juan Pablo then tells us he planned this date for them, because ABC never fabricate them. Unfortunately The Bachelor producers must have budget restraints this time around because they take them to a snow park in L.A. as opposed to taking them to a place that is actually snowy. (For those who doubted if they could play the outdoor hockey game in L.A., it's been confirmed it's possible by a fake dating show. I hope you're happy.)

Juan Pablo tells her to get on his back walk through a snowstorm in the middle of trees and lights and Juan Pablo doesn't have a jacket on. The dudes a stud.

He puts her down in the snow which I'm sure she's happy about having frozen ass crack and then takes the blindfold off. The camera catches this right behind her in a position where it looks like she's about to get busy with her lips in his crotch. Then the camera quickly cuts to a distant birds eye shot. Now, this means that they set up the camera behind her and filmed this, then put the blindfold back on and filmed it from afar and told her act surprised twice. It's The Bachelor.

Clare pretends she's super excited about being able to see her breath. It's fun. They go sledding and it's fun. Then Clare says, "This is unreal. This is unreal." I stop to check my email and find that the Nigerian Prince is ready to deposit a million dollars into my back account. So I give him my account number and pin number and say, "THIS IS UNREAL! THIS IS UNREAL!"

They run around and throw snowballs at each other and then ice skate. And by ice skate, I mean Clare pretends to fall a lot so Juan Pablo can catch her. So, blind folding a girl is okay as long as you take her to a place that doesn't have snow. Remember that, gents.

The camera quickly goes back to the house to show a couple girls hanging out in the hot tub and Homeless Free Spirit girl is naked. ABC censored it though. What a sham.


On to the next date. ABC reminds us that one of the girls brought her dog there by having the dog bring the date card to the girls. I haven't seen Harrison yet. Is he okay? Did he slip and fall down a well somewhere? Maybe he's participating in a celebrity hot dog eating contest?

We see Juan Pablo and Clare chasing each other around. Clare says she's never felt so alive with a guy which is interesting because she's known him for all of a matter of days. That's a bold statement on her part. She's gettin' dangerously jiggy wit it. 

Anyway, it didn't work because I don't remember which girl brought the dog. But I was hoping that when he brought it inside, he dropped it on the ground and peed on it. Unfortunately, he didn't and I eat forks to try and cause internal organ damage.

Kat gets picked for the next date and it occurs to me they have the dog bring in the cat card. That's irony by ABC. I wonder if they're going to have the dog cuddling with a cat soon.

Because he's contractually obligated to take off his shirt in front of rolling camera's, Juan Pablo does so and gets into a hot tub with Clare and they talk a lot and then there's more talking to the camera. Clare talks about her dead father and then Juan Pablo asks her about her necklace and she talks more about her dead father. Then she says her fathers dead and then she said she's looking for someone who is like her dead father.

Because she talked so much about how her father is dead and she wants to find someone who is like her dead father, Juan Pablo gives her the rose. And then, they make out. She tells Juan Pablo he tastes like snow. I hate this show.

Then they get out of the hot tub so they can make out in front of a guy playing guitar. I don't remember his name, but I don't care to rewind to find out. Clare remarks how ABC made it snow and she doesn't know where it came from because they're in L.A and it doesn't snow there. Then, they make out some more while dancing in their bathing suits in the snow. Clare talks about how she knows her dad is watching down and is so proud of her for dancing in the snow half naked with a man she's know for a few hours who is also dating 16 other women.

Back from break, Kat talks about how she can't believe this is real life because she's on a fake dating show and going on dates. Juan Pablo comes to the mansion to pick her up, but doesn't blindfold her. He must not like her. But just to fill more time, he takes her to an airport where he can drive on the runway. He pulls up to a private jet (no HELICOPTER!?!?!) and they both get on. Please keep in mind that he plans all of these dates and pays for them all.

Juan Pablo then leaves her at her seat and then goes and changes into a jogging outfit with a hear that lights up. She pretends it's the greatest thing ever by laughing, even though there's nothing special about it. Kat puts on a neon outfit that could be used to land planes on a runaway at night and then Juan Pablo puts on neon glasses he clearly got from Kanye.

The plane lands in Salt Lake City and they end up going to a rave, but ABC doesn't show them trying to get people to take acid. Not even ecstasy. It's dumb. 

ABC planned a bunch of people to run with them with glow sticks. They run 5K. That's kind of mean for a first date. I mean, exercise? Most first dates are dinner at an Applebees or taking down an entire bucket of popcorn at a movie she wants to see, but you really don't.

They get to the finish line and of course ABC makes Juan Pablo and Kat go up on stage so they can dance like morons in front of a crowd. Kat mentions how she sees the rose on stage and says, "When I see that rose, I get excited, anxious, nervous, jittery" and I'm convinced maybe ABC did make her do ecstasy. He asks if she will take the rose and I hope that she says no and it would make this a super awkward party. But she does take the rose and I spike my water bottle. 

Next is the group date. This is the date where 13 of Juan Pablo's girlfriends get to fight for his attention at the same time while the girls who didn't get picked get to stay at the mansion and get drunk and complain about how they don't get to see the guy with his other girlfriends. The homeless hippie wonders how she can get Juan Pablo's attention and then flashes the camera. It's blocked out and I'm angry.

Kelly says, "The day card says cheese. I'm assuming it's a photo shoot, but maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both." Kelly never needed education.

The girls meet up with Juan Pablo at a garage. I was hoping he was going to tell them that they were going to spend the day driving around in a garbage truck and pick up poopy diapers and rotten food, but instead they're at a photo shoot. There's a guy who has a turquoise goatee who tells them they're going to pose in bikinis with dogs.

Then, they go into the next room and see a whole bunch of dogs running around. The girls play with dogs and they pee and poop everywhere. It's touching.

More girls talk about how exited they are. Then, because ABC tries to make these girls have as much of a mental breakdown as they can, the turquoise goatee guy reveals to Elise (the first grade teacher, mind you) that she isn't going to be wearing anything but a cardboard sign. Basically it's going to be a naked photo shoot. I now wish this show was on Cinemax.

The naked photo shoot is awesome except for the part where this is the only way that Juan Pablo is going to find a motherly figure for his daughter and other son and daughter. They can't just hang out with kids at a daycare or something. No, the only way Juan Pablo is going to know that he has finally found the one is by destroying her dignity by having her lady parts photographed.

Camilla must be watching with Juan Pablo's parents. They must be so excited to see that their future step mom is willing to pose naked with their dad. I hope they use the money they win on this show for shrinks.

The picture get taken and the other girls watch while their boyfriend kisses his other girlfriends. It's magical.

Andi still doesn't want to get naked because she still has enough pride to date on a game show. Juan Pablo goes over to tell her it's okay if she doesn't want to take her clothes off on the first date. But Andi eventually decides she's going to take off her clothes for pictures because Juan Pablo made her more comfortable. Future moms everywhere. Take note.

They all pose in their nakedness for the naked pictures and heartwarming music plays because Andi overcame her fear of taking her clothes off. The girls talk about how great they are for getting naked so dogs get adopted. We still got an hour left.

Later on in the group date, Juan Pablo and his 13 girlfriends go to drink alcohol by a pool on a roof. Then Juan Pablo takes Cassandra to a balcony so they can talk. She tells him how she has a two year old son and he gets super excited. Juan wants more kids, so this makes him happy. She then says she feels closer to him because they spent 2 minutes on a balcony where she tells him she has a kid. It makes sense.

Then he takes another girl to a rooftop and tells her how his daughter makes "i"s that looks like his fingers. She tells us that she was their first kiss on that rooftop. Then they say how fun it is to stand on top of a building at least 15 times. Then she tells him he was close to kissing her while they were taking pictures with dogs. She must be getting impatient He avoids to kissing her and then she tries to kiss him and he dodges it again. She's done for.

Victoria has had a little too much to drink. She talks about how she wants to straddle him for the rest of her life. That's what being a mom is all about. Gettin' drunk and declaring you want to straddle someone for the rest of your life. 

Victoria is really slurring her words and it's entertaining. ABC even knows it's entertaining because they're playing their awkward entertainment music. The other girls are laughing at her, but one of the girls is concerned. She's drunk, but she can still walk. 

Juan Pablo pulls Nikki side so they can sit on a couch and talk. Meanwhile, Victoria is still drunk and slurring her words and she decides to go and find Juan Pablo because she's drunk and thinks she'll get his attention. Then Victoria says, "I gave him the hyman maneuver earlier. I saved his life. I should get a rose for that." I'm not sure if the alcohol made her really believe she saved his life or if she's being sarcastic. I hope she really thinks she's saved his life by giving him the hyman maneuver. Where were drunk lifeguards at the village pool when I was a kid?

Victoria says, "Whose leg do I have to hump to get some 1 on 1 time?" That's going to be my new pick up line.

Victoria walks by Nikki and Juan Pablo but doesn't say anything to them. Then, because she's drunk and on this show, she runs to the bathroom so she can be drunk and cry. There's lots of sobbing and it's awkward.

One of Juan Pablo's other girlfriends goes into the bathroom to console Victoria who continues to cry and slur her words. The camera man shoots underneath the stall door, fulfilling my suspicion that all Bachelor cameramen were voyeur cameramen at some point.

There's more crying and snot bombs. After more yelling and snot, Victoria tries to go home. One of the ABC producers who has wasted having a perfectly good beard by being on this show tells Victoria she doesn't have shoes on so she can't leave. He also tells her that he has to book her a flight so she can't leave. Then he says, "You're a drunken mess, so I want you to stay here." Not really, but you know he's thinking it.

Victoria yells more and then runs to another bathroom but makes sure she lets the cameraman follow her. Lucy comes and tells Juan Pablo about the snot filled drunken crying that's going on. He goes into the women's bathroom to console Victoria, which in some parts would have him arrested. Juan Pablo doesn't say much and she cries more. I'm starting to think she's not stable enough to be a mom for his daughter and other son and other daughter. Then he tells her he'll be outside and walks away.

Juan takes the group date rose and gives it to Kelly and the other girls pretend they're happy for Kelly who is dating their boyfriend. I can't say I hate Kelly yet. But, it's early. It's only the first group date. She has plenty of time to turn my hate-bomb on. Juan Pablo then leaves and tells the girls that Victoria is their problem. He's a gentleman.

Shawntel and Chelsie then talks about how great Juan Pablo is for taking 2 minutes to sit with Victoria in a bathroom stall while she's crying and then walking away from her. They said he's a great guy because he didn't say good bye or see if she needed her hair held while puking.

The next day, Victoria is gone. ABC send Juan Pablo to visit Victoria and she apologizes for being a drunken mess. He accepts her apology but tells her maybe she isn't cut out to be a mom to his daughter and son and other daughter. He only wants girls who will pose naked with dogs, not a girl who got drunk.

Next we have the cocktail party because if Victoria was any sort of indication, alcohol makes good things happen on this show. There's a bunch of talking and then Juan Pablo explains to the girls that he sent Victoria home because she drinks too much. They should have had Victoria drink before she did the photo shoot.

Amy, the reporter, interviews Juan Pablo and it's super funny. It's so funny that I had to call my doctor to give me emergency medication so that I stop laughing. Like reverse laughing gas. I paused the show and went to his office so I could take the reverse laughing gas. I'm so exhausted with this episode.

Opera singer apologizes to Juan Pablo for acting like she didn't want the rose last week. She must've just received her electric bill at home and it was more than expected, so she needs to stay on the show to get more money. Have we figured out where she's from yet?

Since Cassandra hasn't gotten enough camera time, she starts crying about how she feels bad that she abandoned her son to come on the show. She should've known better and brought him to hang out with Juan Pablo's daughter and his parents. 

Renee comes over to hug Cassandra and tell her it's okay that she left her kid for a few weeks of fame on a fake dating show. She says she wants what's best for the girl who is dating her current boyfriend. Renee says she should stay in L.A. and to not worry about her kid. 

I hope you didn't skip down this far or you REALLY would be missing out.

Juan Pablo comes over to talk to Cassandra about how she missing her son. There's sad piano music playing I think they should just have live musicians playing in the back ground during these times. They should have them sitting on a piano while talking about these things. 

Juan Pablo assures Cassandra it's going to be okay if she stays in LA and doesn't go back to her son because, in due time he'll dump her and she'll be able to be with her son again. She thanks him and then there's more snot coming out her nose.

I fast forwarded through the commercial break but saw something about Catherine and Sean. Going back and watching what the hell that was all about would mean I had to find out what the hell that was all about. Also, only about 16 minutes left of the show. I'm not that much of a glutton for pain.

Back from break, Harrison finally comes on screen so he can get that paycheck. He's like the quarterback that wants to keep his starting streak going when the team is 13-1, so he comes out for one series and then sits on the sidelines. But Harrison is all about the BenJuanmins.

You see what I did there?

Anyway, it's the rose ceremony and Juan Pablo dumps some of his girlfriends. The crazy Amy girl is send home and she's mad. She doesn't interview herself on why she got dumped by a guy who is dating 16 other women so I get upset and shed a tear. Shawntel or Chantel or whatever gets sent home. I think she put on the black skull cap to look like the dog she was holding. She should've offered to be naked, then she probably would've stayed around. Oh well. Feel free to throw a running lawnmower at me while I sleep.

Bachelor Review - True Love Is All About Rubbing Tomato Juice And Baking Soda On Your Dog

There is a horrendous event that started only a few hours ago. Something that will leave you sad, cold, depressed, and angry. Something that has dipped down into the lows of the country and has left everyone frozen in frustration. I'm not talking about the Polar Vortex, I'm talking about the recommencement of 'The Bachelor'.

Hello my faithful 13 readers! It's time for another installment of the worst show in the history of television, which is already claiming it's the craziest season yet. 

Latin hottie Juan Pablo is this season's newest muscle-headed pop up animal. I'm not so sure this guy ever graduated from 4th grade vocabulary school. He just repeats whatever the person he's talking to just said and then adds an accent and some sort of distortion of a word here and there. It's great. You know what else is great? Sudden attacks by yetis.

He's in search for a motherly figure for his son, his daughter and another son that doesn't get much attention apparently. Because there is no way Juan Pablo is so incredibly attractive that he couldn't easily go to the closest Applebee's practically bang a woman on the table there (right next to the sampler platter), ABC tries to help out this guy by giving him well auditioned, well maintained desperate drama queens to go on rehearsed and fully paid for dates with cameras everywhere. It's The Bachelor.

I fast forwarded through the montage to open the show. I wished the show was this short and to the point, but it's not. From the looks of it, we're going to have a lot of love, a lot of making out, a lot of crying, and a lot of plastic surgery. It's The Bachelor.

Our newest season starts out with Juan Pablo getting a bunch of pictures taken with him holding roses with his shirt off and making super cute faces. He seems like he's a funny guy, like super fun wow LAWL funny. Not really.

Next we're treated to Juan Pablo shirtless running, shirtless volleyball, and then he talks about how he's a sports consultant or something. And then ABC shows a highlight of him playing soccer for a few seconds. But because they haven't shown him doing enough things without his shirt on, we're then treated with Juan jumping into a pool without his shirt on and with his daughter. It's a good thing he isn't hanging out shirtless in Buffalo right now or he'd be cold.

Next we get Juan Pablo walking around LA and ABC plays some rockin' music to let us know it's about to get real. He walks around the Santa Monica Pier and says, "I speak the language of LUUUHVE". The -35 degree windchill making snow hit me in the face made me less angry.

Juan Pablo goes and picks up his daughter, Camila, from the airport because they must fly separate so we can see him coming to pick her up at the airport....or something. His dad talks about how he wants Camila to be in an environment where she's comfortable, which I guess means flying her out to a rented mansion and watching her father make out with multiple women while dating other women. It'll be a family moment.

Juan Pablo says he wants to have 2 more kids and have one big family while we see more of him running shirtless. Then he walks with his shirt off and daughter on his shoulders. Then they tell the kid to get out of the way so they can show more of him running shirtless. I'm starting to feel like I'm watching a gladiator movie.

Back from break, Juan Pablo is pushing his daughter on a swing and he's finally put a shirt on. Former Bachelor Sean Lowe shows up and Juan Pablo acts surprised to see the mic'd up guy who the camera, right next to him, was filming walking up the driveway. Sean has his standard issued Ray Bans on. I thought I'd never see Sean and his Ray Bans again. I want to find out what bleach tastes like.

They greet each other with a bro hug and then go inside to talk. Juan Pablo talks about how he called Sean himself to set up this perfectly mic'd up, well produced conversation about dating 25 women with cameras around to capture every word.

Sean gives a ton of good advice to Juan Pablo, including telling him how he can prevent war in the Middle East and help cure AIDS. Just kidding, Sean gets to super important stuff like asking Juan Pablo what his strategy is with kissing 25 girlfriends. Sean says to not kiss one in front of his other girlfriends because then the other girlfriends will get mad about how someone is kissing their boyfriend. So, of course ABC will make sure this happens all the time.

Sean then tells Juan Pablo to trust his gut with picking the right women to keep around on the game show. He then continues on talking about how he didn't pay much attention to Catherine (his season's game show winner) for the first few weeks, which I'm sure is something she probably wanted to hear. But then he fell for her. He then talks about how he knew Catherine was the one because they had to scrub their dog with tomato juice and baking soda at 2am because it got sprayed by a skunk. I did not make that up.

Juan Pablo then throws on a suit and walks around to think. Then he says goodbye to his daughter and she jumps into bed. Because Juan has to go and meet his 25 girlfriends, he can't be bothered to tuck his own daughter in, he walks away and his dad does it, with the camera watching. It's a weird moment, but then I realize we're only 17 minutes in.

Finally, we're 22 minutes in and we get to see the greatest, overpaid, 5-dollar game show host, Chris Harrison. Harrison talks about how Juan Pablo generated a ton of interest from the fans, the second he got out of the limo on last season of The Bachelorette. Then there's more talking about how much of a hunk he is because he plays soccer and has an accent that makes everything "a little more romantic". Then, Harrison says, "Juan Pablo-fever has reached epidemic proportions." For what it's worth, Yellow Fever was an epidemic, so was SARS, and Bird Flu. Is Harrison saying that Juan Pablo-fever is horrible like those? I wouldn't disagree.

Next we get to meet some of his plastic meat sticks:

Chelsie - 24 - Science Educator - She says she's super silly and then she speaks Spanish. Then she says she was to at least get a hug from Juan Pablo. She's silly and giggles. It's silly.

Renee - 32 - Real Estate Agent - She lives in Sarasota, FL because she can paddle board and roller blade there. She can't do this anywhere else in America, apparently. She has a son and he's everything to her, which makes sense why she's going on a fake dating show to find more in life. She talks about how she wants more in life some more. Then she walks around a lot.

Andi - 26 - Assistant District Attorney - Actually, she tells us that she is a gang prosecutor. ABC let's us know this is for real by putting their cameras in the court room for a court hearing with a gang member there. This is in no way staged for ABC to show us how serious she is, and in no way was this a conflict of interest for this court case. She talks about how she's a hopeless romantic. Then she stares off into the distance to show us how much she's a hopeless romantic. I'm staring off into the distance now so I can relate to her.

Amy J. - 31 - Massage Therapist - Makes weird sexual faces while giving people massages. Talks about how she likes to find muscles and figure them out. Then she talks straight to the camera and does the airplane thing with a fork and some food and pretends to feed Juan Pablo. She seems normal.

Nikki - 26 - Pediatric Nurse - Babbles on while we watching she's walking in a field. Then they drastically shake things up by showing her sitting in the field and thinking. I love this show.

Lauren - 25 - Mineral Coordinator - How do you coordinate minerals? Anyway, she smiles a lot. Then some more. She talks about how she met a guy over a year ago and was "all in" and sad piano music plays. They got engaged and then 6 weeks later he told her they were done. She says that's something you never get over which means she'll do okay on a show where her boyfriend dates 25 other women.

Valerie -26 - Personal Trainer - Says she's pretty and is willing to fight other women. She'll stick around for awhile.

Lacy - 25 - Nursing Home Owner - Looks like she is trying to hold in a turd during her intro. She comes from a family of 13. 9 of the 13 are special needs people. She's definitely going to be the innocent one who the fans fall in love with. I'm falling in with her breasts. Those things are lookin' good when she's throwing a football.

Clare - 32 - Hairstylist - She hangs out with her family a lot. She's part Mexican. She talks about how her dad died and ABC exploits this by filming her sitting on a bench and looking at pictures of him. Her dad made a DVD for her future husband to watch. No one has ever watched it. She hopes Juan Pablo is the one who's watches it. Is that supposed to be a tease? Why wouldn't she? 

Harrison comes back and says that Juan Pablo is about to show up and I scare my cat by screaming "FINALLY!" The two of them talk. It's boring.

Harrison drops the first controversial moment on Juan Pablo and tells him that due to the outpouring demand to date Juan Pablo while he dates other women, there is going to be 27 girlfriends and not 25. I jump out of my chair. I mean, I can understand someone dating 25 women at once, but 27? GET OUT OF THE CITY!

The limo's full of women finally arrive and there's already screaming. Then, they talk about how hot he is. I wipe the sweat from my brow. This is a nervous time for me.

I'm not going to talk about each girl, just the ones who do stupid "memorable" things:

I just noticed Juan Pablo make the face like he just took 5 shots of whiskey at 4am in the morning and regretted eating that chili.

One of the girls gives his daughter a bracelet. He acts overjoyed and I cry a little. 

The Pediatric nurse contestant makes Juan Pablo listen to her heart beat with a stethoscope. That's clever. Dumb. But clever.

A girl named Chantel talks about how people had trouble pronouncing Juan Pablo last season. She then teaches him how to say her name, even though he says it fine the first time. She's trying to be memorable. What a trickster.

Victoria is hot. I hope he doesn't pick her. I want to give her a call.

Lucy's job is listed as 'Free Spirit' which means "homeless" in most parts. She didn't wear shoes because she's tall and didn't want to be taller. I hope she tries to get the other girls to drop acid.

One of the girls has a dress that looked like it got dipped in a pool of tar. She pulls a staple Bachelor tactic and tells him they need to have 1 on 1 time inside after she's tipped a few shots back. It's smart.

Lauren rides up on grand piano on wheels and plays a song. Juan Pablo looks freaked out. She's toast.

Chelsie tells Juan Pablo some stupid science joke involving stupid safety glasses and how they should stupidly have chemistry between them stupidly. I'm not even sure if that makes sense but I don't care. I hate her.

Ashley sounds like she's trying really hard to sound like she's from one of those late night sex chat phone lines.

We leave with a teaser of a pregnant woman getting out of a limo. Uh oh.

During the commercial, we're shown a weather report by Aaron Mentkowski. The local weather report over ran over the return of the pregnant woman's chat with Juan Pablo so I can't even do a joke on this. Thank you, Aaron.

Amy, the crazy massage therapist shows up and says something in Spanish. ABC puts "I'll see you inside" in the subtitles, but I'm pretty sure she actually said, "I want to see what your insides look like". 

One girl brings him a fish hook. Another girl brings her dog. Another girl gives him fake prescription drugs and I'm sick of seeing women get out of a car. Why can't a piano bike fall on me right now?

One girl says she's from Ottawa and Germany. I'm not sure how that works, but she's an opera singer. I'm going to have to hear her sing like an opera singer at some point. I'm going to need to swan dive down the stairs at that time.

Harrison (we're still on a last name basis as far as I'm concerned) comes out and lays down the rules for Juan Pablo (I'm already hating typing his name). He tells him there's a first impression rose because he's never been on this show, then sends him inside.

Juan Pablo walks in and all of the girls try to scream louder than the rest so they stick out. Problem is they all stick out in my head because I want a hatchet.

That joke probably didn't work, but if I got you thinking how it wasn't funny, it means you're still reading. Thanks.

He gives some sort of commencement speech, I think. I'm not really sure. I can't understand him. But they don't want to look disinterested so everyone laughs so there probably wasn't a joke. These sentences aren't even right anymore. 

They drink alcohol and there's more alcohol being consumed. Then they have a dance party. Then they take pictures in a photo booth with funny hats and sunglasses. Clearly these girls aren't drunk enough because ABC shows them getting along.

Nikki pulls him aside so they can talk about how he forgot her name. He has made, like, 4 references to how he isn't good with names. Then, they talk more. Juan Pablo tells her they should leave right now. I get excited because I think this season will be cut short. Then he laughs because he pulled a funny. I'm tired.

The homeless girl babbles on and asks him if he's nervous when she puts her face right in his. Juan looks like he's had too much champagne and just saw a blue face ninja attack his nostril.

Things get a little dicey when ABC's producers make sure there's a massage table waiting outside and order Juan Pablo to walk out there with Amy. Amy gives him a rape and practically massages him (intended). She then talks about how she wants to rip his clothes off and dump oil on him. She does more whining and more moaning. She says she's "pushing through his suit". She then tells the camera that she should marry him right now. That's subtle.

The girls then all gather in one room and then break up into smaller groups so they can talk about each other and how bad they want the first impression rose. Then some girls sit and pout because they haven't gotten any 1 on 1 time with their man. They other girls talk about how nervous they are. It's snowing outside.

Chelsie sits with Juan Pablo in a photo booth and asks if he remembers her name. He says no, and she laughs to pretend it's cute. He asks her how many children she wants to have and she says, "all of them." Then they talk about how they can't figure out how to use a photo booth. This is so fun.

Then some girl name Elise (who is Elise? Even I can't remember their names.) talks with Juan Pablo about her dead mother. She says her dead mother was there and in Juan Pablo's brain and she is going to make sure that he sees Elise as his future wife. I didn't make that up and that is in no way creepy.

More girls complain about how they haven't gotten any alone time with him. The alcohol is finally starting to make things more interesting and we have our first meltdown. There's one girl who I thought was alright, but now I hate her. That doesn't help you, so how about this: The one who told us during her intro that her engagement was broken after 6 weeks starts crying to the camera about how she can't get his attention. I feel my brain falling out of my rectum. 

Everyone knows the best way to get attention on a fake dating show is by portraying how stable you are by crying on camera. It works. Juan Pablo finally finds her and gives her that alone time. Well done, stable girl. Well done. I hate her. This is stupid.

Then there's a montage of him talking to the rest of the girls, because they're boring and don't matter.

Juan Pablo then talks to the opera singer from Ottawa and Germany. I still haven't figured this out, but the anxiety is making me chew on my arm. He gives her the first impression rose and she looks disappointed. She complains they didn't have instant chemistry. Apparently she wasn't one of the millions of people who got Juan Pablo-fever. Maybe she has yellow fever. I yell, "SHE HAS YELLOW FEVER AND SHE'S NOT AMERICAN! SHE'S OTTAGERMAN! OR GERMATTAWA!" Sorry.

I think she might be the paid actress who ABC tells Juanny P he's contractually obligated to keep giving a rose to make the other girls mad. It's standard practice. It's The Bachelor.

Finally we're at the Rose Ceremony and the snow has stopped so I guess I'll watch it. Juan Pablo dumps a bunch of his 27 girlfriends because they were boring. Or maybe they didn't get enough camera time. I don't care anymore.

The notables that go home are the girl who cried because she wasn't in love and lost her engagement months ago and the crazy massage woman Amy who eat baby seals while listening to those Kenny G songs backwards for satanic messages. I've run out of jokes.

She cries and says he was going to be her husband. ABC edits out her finishing that with "...whether he likes it or not! Master 6-Toes says it's true!"

After that is done, then we're treated with a preview of this season. It's filled with laughing and love and crying and heartache and drama. So much drama. I have a feeling I'm going to hate this season if for nothing more than I'm already sick of having to type out "Juan Pablo" This sucks. Why am I doing this?