Bachelor Review - If Your Marriage Doesn't Work Out, Call Me.

Ben is down to just 2 women. The last sentence in last week's review mentioned how this episode was going to be 10 minutes of content and 110 minutes of pure redundancy. I am warning you right now, I must be Ms. [expletive] Cleo.

By the way, I haven't edited this one bit. It's 2am now and I'm done.

But honestly who hasn't stayed up every night this week and thought, "I will not feed the children until I can find out if Ben found love?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!?????????!"

??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!krejbre0iohrpiuwrb

We start our final journey with Ben by showing him riding on a monorail and super dramatic music is played by ABC. Ben talks about how much of a good time he has when hanging out with Lying Horse Girl. He says, "The one thing I need from Lindzi is more time. I hope there is more time." No doubt Ben is a believer in the 2012 apocalypse.
Next he talks about Courtney and how he still has questions about her. He wonders why all of the girls keep warning him about her. I can't stand this show anymore. I just want to reach into my TV and grab Ben's ear and say "BEN! JUST GO BACK AND WATCH THE FOOTAGE THAT WE GOT ALL SEASON LONG OF HER BEING MEAN TO THE OTHER GIRLS! LOL!"

Courtney is shown petting a random cat and drinking coffee. Ben reminds us that this is a difficult decision as dramatic music is played. Then, we get a solid 30 seconds of people walking out to balconies and thinking. Ben mentions about how he hopes the Matterhorn helps him make his decision. Matterhorn is the name of the mountain that Ben is staring at. No doubt ABC slipped him a note before he walked out on the balcony that read "Walk outside, look pensive, stare at the mountain. Call it "the Matterhorn."

ABC flies Ben's mom and sister out to meet up with him by the Matterhorn so they can embrace Lying Horse Girl and criticize Courtney (presumably). He never mentions that his father is dead and how he wishes he could be there to judge the girls as well.

They show up and Ben cries when he sees them, claiming that he hasn't seen them in so long. I had to stop and grab a tissue. I'm starting to well up. For those of you who think that Ben is a douche, I hope you feel bad now. He loves his mom and his sister.

Ben mentions how this has been an emotional ride and he just wants to feel like he's home. To do this, he gives them a hug and they all sit down in his $10,000 per night suite to talk.

Ben tells his mom and sister that they're going to meet/critique Lying Horse Girl first. Ben's mom looks like she's trying to remember the lines that ABC gave her while they talk. She ends up never saying anything and Ben's sister questions if Ben even likes Lying Horse Girl. Then they start talking about Courtney and Ben's sister tells him to watch out. It's clear that the producers made her watch the footage from earlier episodes, just so they can get her to bash Courtney like the rest of the women.

Lying Horse Girl shows up to his "feelslikehomeluxurysuite" and they talk about how Lying Horse Girl rode a horse up to meet Ben in episode 1. Let that last sentence sink in.

The 4 of them sit down to each lunch and Lying Horse Girl tells us how nervous she is. She keeps dropping things and Ben's mom is shown chewing a long. Quirky fun music is being play and they all awkwardly laugh. Lying Horse Girl may be making herself her own fake marriage grave.

Finally mom starts talking. She pulls Lying Horse Girl aside and asks her what she sees in Ben. Tons of fart faces occur. She rambles on by saying, "Ben is such a great guy" in 17 different ways. It's 11:35 and I'm only 10 minutes into this. There's so much talking going on right now.

Next. Lying Horse Girl and Ben's sister go out on a balcony with wine glasses the size of basketballs. I'm sorry, I don't remember her name and don't care enough about her to go back and find out what it is. I'm just going to call her Michael Keaton from now on.

They talk a lot about how much Lying Horse Girl likes Ben, because we haven't heard it enough times yet. Then, the producers tell Michael Keaton to ask Lying Horse Girl about Courtney. Lying Horse Girl tells MK (you see what I did right there?! Michael Keaton's initials. Not Mortal Kombat.) that Courtney is the devil and MK believes so too. She tells Lying Horse Girl that she'd be happy to have her as a sister in law for 6 months.

Ben and Michael Keaton talk and I just heard him say to her, "Thanks Jule" Pronounced Jewell. I probably didn't need to tell you that. I guess her name is Julia? Fine.

Only 68 minutes to go.

Next is Courtney's meeting with JULIA and Mom. First, we're treated to more voice over and Ben thinking on a balcony. Then, Ben's sister reminds us again that she's not going to like Courtney, because 1) she's a model and 2) because of what Lying Horse Girl said. Ben's mom looks like she doesn't know where she is, all the time.

Courtney and Ben meet outside to talk and make out a little. Courtney says she's going to be on her best behavior. Ben sounds nervous. He knows that Courtney could walk in and her and his sister could turn into monsters and fight each other. It'd be like BattleBots, just no robots. Robots are still so awesome.

They walk in and Ben says, "What I need my mom and my sister to do is not to prejudge her." Too late, Ben. Sis has already sharpened a knife of hate. They talk a lot, I don't pay attention.

JULIA takes Courtney out to the balcony to talk more about how she was hated by everyone on this show but Ben. Courtney says that she made her fair share of mistakes, but never mentions how she was a paid actress hired to keep driving ratings. Courtney mentions how she hopes that JULIA doesn't judge her for being mean. Which I think is totally reasonable to ask for when you're talking to your possible future in-law.

Next, Courtney sits down with mom and tells mom about how funny Ben is. She says that her cheeks are sore after hanging out with Ben because she laughs the whole time. Ben's mom seriously looks like she just wants to go home. Heartwarming music is played.

Ben and Julia sit down to talk about Courtney. Ben asks her for her first impression and Julia replies with "Shocked." The music gets super dramatic and she sounds like she's about to go down the "get out before she stabs you with past boyfriend's bones" path, but then says she thinks Courtney is a really nice girl. The music instantly lightens and is heartwarming. So, so much heartwarming music on this show. Yanni is probably getting teary eyed somewhere.

JULIA says she feels like she really got to know Courtney in the 90 second conversation and tells Ben she thinks that Courtney would be a good fit. I can't believe this. This just isn't fair. There's still 60 minutes left of this garbage and I know it's just going to be filled with Ben reminding us that this is such a tough decision and it's even tougher now that his sister likes both girls. They hug and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, Ben is sitting on a couch with his arms around his sister and mom. Mom puts her leg over Ben's and I look away in discomfort. They talk more about the two girls and what mom and sis thought of them. I'm out of jokes about this. I hate this show.

They mention the dead father again. Quota filled.

After they're done talking Ben walks his mom and sis out of their luxury suite so they can talk more outside. Ben tries to give his mom a kiss but she turns her head away at the last second like a child does when their mom tries to feed them green beans.

Back from break and onto the the last dates each girl will have with Ben until he dumps one of them. Ben takes Lying Horse girl on a date first. They take a horse and carriage through town and there's super dramatic music. Ben reveals to her that they're going to go skiing on the Matterhorn. I don't know if this is suppose to be subliminal advertising or not, but it's working. I want to visit the Matterhorn.

Ben says "It's crazy, right!?" Skiing in Switzerland?" No, Ben. It's not really that crazy at all.

They get onto the gondola to ride to the top of the Matterhorn. Lying Horse Girl talks about how skiing down a mountain is like being in a relationship. I feel sick.

The gondola "unexpectedly" stalls and they show no concern. Lying Horse Girl says, "Now it's just me and Ben". Besides the cameraman and microphone operator, she's right.

I expected her to say, "being stuck on a gondola is like being stuck in a relationship" but instead she says that being stuck on the gondola is the perfect time to open up and does just that. Ben tells her that he's proud of how much she's opened up and she talks about how talking about opening up has really made her comfortable to open up.

After they're done talking, they ski down the Alps. It's not quite risking death so Lying Horse Girl doesn't talk about overcoming a fear.

Back from commercial, Ben goes up to Lying Horse Girls room to talk. They talk about how talking is so good for them and then they make out. Then they talk some more about relationships and how they want to be happy and they want to find someone who they can love forever and wow I'm not even half way through this.

Lying Horse Girl rambles on and then tells Ben that she loves him. He replied, "That's good." and thanks her for opening up again. They go out onto the balcony and Lying Horse Girl talks about how sure she is about their love. She's "100 percent sure". Ben seems disinterested. She's a goner.

Next, Ben walks down some traintracks toward Courtney. No train hits Ben or Courtney. I am disappointed.

Ben tells Courtney he's got a surprise for her on their final date. The surprise? They're flying around in a helicopter! Never saw this one coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben tells Courtney that they're going to fly over the mountains to Italy. I don't know what the securty levels are at this border but I'm hoping a military helicopter flies in and shoots them down.

The helicopter lands in Italy. I am disappointed.

They get out of the helicopter and talk about Courtney meeting with his mom and sister. There's so much talking. They fall backward to make snow angels. It's a real cute moment. The music gets super happy and dramatic. Next, they sled down the Matterhorn because we haven't seem this thing enough times. Then, they make out because they need to fill......44 MINUTES?!

Ben visits Courtney's hotel room and they make out. She gives him a gift and it's a photo album that the producers made for her. She tells Ben she's been working on it for awhile now, even though many of the pictures shown were distance shots. She reads him a love letter that the producers wrote for her. She reads the entire thing and we have to sit through it all. After she's gone, Ben says, "That's really nice. Talk about being vulnerable!" I don't think that was the right choice of words, but he lunges in for a kiss. So maybe they were.

They go back to the couch and sit down to talk about how crappy of a person Courtney is. The music gets dramatic as Ben defends being worried about Courtney. After they're done filling this crap of a segment in this crap of a show, Ben leaves. Courtney cries because she thinks she might be losing Ben. Cut to commercial.

Back from commercial, Ben reviews his relationships with Courtney and Horse Girl for the 40th time tonight. I'm not going to lie, I fast forwarded. This isn't fun anymore.

Ben mentions his dead father and how he wishes he could be there to tell him that he likes both of the girls and the fact that dad likes both of the girls is going to make it even harder on him. Again, sentences are probably not making sense anymore. I don't care.

Lying Horse Girl is shown thinking while laying in bed. Then, she is shown thinking while walking around Next, we're shown Courtney thinking while looking through the window. And then she's shown thinking while walking around.

Ben is shown thinking while walking around. Flashbacks of each girl making out with Ben in hot tubs are played during voice overs about how great Ben is.

Again, thanks for reading.

Ben meets with a ring dealer on a balcony. The ring dealer mocks how this is Ben's second time doing this. Ben talks about how excited he is while holding these rings because ABC is paying for it.

19 minutes! We're almost home!

Both girls get picked up in 2 different helicopters. I was really hoping they'd both get picked up by the same one so we can watch the aftermath where Ben sits with one of the girls on one side of the helicopter and the other girl cries.

First, we get the helicopter with the contestant that's going to be dumped. The helicopter touches down and Chris Harrison's hair is shown blowing mightily in the wind. It's Lying Horse Girl and she's wearing a giant cape.

They make her walk forever up a mountain in high heels while a voice over plays. She talks about how excited she is to be marrying Ben and how much she loves him. This is reality show exploitation and cruelty at it's finest.

Lying Horse Girl brings a new meaning to the term rambling. Ben gives her a huge speech about how perfect she is for him and then dumps her on the spot. Lying Horse Girl takes this well and doesn't cry. She actually looks kind of digusted. Kacie B. is now in Tennessee and wanted for murder.

Ben walks her back to her own helicopter and tells Ben to not feel bad because she knows it's her fault. She then says, "If it doesn't work out. Call me?" which is funny. She then puts her cape back on and gets onto the helicopter. Dramatic music is played but Lying Horse Girl doesn't turn into a snot fest.

The final segment, only 8 minutes left. Courtney is brought to the mountaintop where Ben and Chris (of course) stand. Courtney says, "I'm a good person and good things happen to good people." If this show is any sort of indication, good things happen to bad, bad serpents.

Courntey walks toward Ben and he gives her an incredibly long speech about how great it's been to date a paid actress while dating 24 other women. He then says "BUT!" and the music gets super dramatic as if he's about to dump Courtney as well.

Ben just gave us a huge LOL. It's 1:46am and I just laughed out loud to the point of scaring my dog across the room. He ends up proposing to Courtney and the music gets super happy. Courtney acts super excited as Ben drops to his knee. She now knows she can bring the Omen onto the world.

Both of them declare that they will love each other forever. Forever is only 6 months and a "Bachelor Pad" season away.

It's over. The whole damn thing is over. I can sleep on Tuesday nights now. I really don't know what to say other than I can sleep on Tuesday nights now and not hate myself.

Oh, and one thing I forgot about is the "After The Final Rose" episode which plays right after the finale. It's just going to be more reviewing the reviewing of the show. I'm not going to review this.

There's no joke here. I'm just not doing it. Leave me alone.

A Last Ditch Effort To Get Face Time On National Television

I remember growing up being taught that talking over someone or interrupting someone was rude. You should wait your turn while listening to what that person had to say. The contestants on The Bachelor were never taught this rule. In their dying, one last chance at spending a few more weeks in the super market tabloids, these women took the stage for the Women Tell All Episode to argue and throw verbal jabs at one another. These women know no ceiling in the house of disgust. "Bitch" is a term that was thrown around more times than one is willing to count.

The Women Tell All Episode is the creme de la creme when it comes to garbage television. Most of my readers already are seasoned veterans to The Bachelor. But for the rest of you who have a life that doesn't involve glutton for pain, I will lay it all out.

ABC has brought back the 23 girls that Ben has dumped this year in order for them to sit on stage and argue with each other while a crowd full of hundreds of women and 1 guy watch and applaud everything.

He's only smiling because he ran out of tears.

The show starts out with Chris Harrison recapping the entire season. He drops the bombshell that Courtney is going to be there tonight to "defend herself" The crowd of hundres of women and 1 guy act shocked and start to applaud. I'm warning you right now, this is going to be the format for this review. One girl starts to talk and the rest of the girls argue with that person, and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud.

After that, we venture into a shameless plug for Bachelor Pad. Everything about this promo is terrible. All it was, was 10 minutes of people talking about how they want to have sex with a bunch of people in the room. Ali, who was once considered the proof that this show worked, is on here. She apparently broke the engagement with Roberto. She's got a voice that sounds like someone jammed one of those New Years Eve noise makers down her trachea.

Back from break, we're shown more review footage from the season, because everyone would be watching this if they didn't watch the season. Chris decides to get the girls to gang up on Blakeley first. Blakeley made it very well known on the show that she wasn't there to make friends, she was just there to be with Ben. The rest of the girls saw this as mean and they talk over her to let her know how much of a jerk she was. Samantha is the first girl to grab face time by going on a huge rant about how Blakeley is horrible person. This girl's voice sounds like someone gave a smoke alarm an English dictionary. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud and the rest of the women start to talk all at once realizing that Samantha's voice has taken over.

Next, Britney talks about leaving the show and Samantha cuts her off to continue the Minnie Mouse-voiced rant. I turned down the volume because her voice is intolerable. Samantha is clearly trying to apply to be The Bachelorette. I pray this never happens. There's no way that anyone can listen to her talk without their ears starting to bleed. This might have been the most controversial season of The Bachelor, but this episode is the worst 2 hours of my life. Britney tells Samantha off and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud. Chris says that there's so much more to get to and the cuts it to break.

Next is the verbal slaughtering of Shawntel. If you remember Shawntel crashed the show conveniently when Britney left and said she was in love with Ben. All of the girls saw her as poisonous venom that just got injected into their fake love veins. Ben dumped her within minutes. A recap of all the horrible things that the girls have said about Shawntel is shown while she watches and looks mad. After the recap, the studio is super silent as Shawntel explains that it was hard to hear what the girls were saying behind her back. It's good to know that this show is on national television and teaching today's youth that the best way to handle any curve balls life throws at you is by immediately judging the person and making fun of their physical features.

Emily apologizes and tells Shawntel that she's beautiful and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud. The rest of the girls apologize for being rude to her and you can tell everyone gets nice and warm in their smiles. It's super heartfelt and touching. I get flashbacks of episodes of Full House.

Emily sits in the hot seat next. We're reminded that she can rap, even though it's the loosest, whitest form of rap ever. She has a PHD yet thought it would be smart to go on this show. Footage shows Emily and Ben laughing as they plug one of her 30 analogies of love on the show. Then, things take a turn for the entertaining as they show the struggles between Emily and Courtney.

Emily complained a lot. Holy shit. She basically tries to rationalize her hatred for Courtney. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud and Chris Harrison nods a lot. Emily quotes Ben by saying "He said, 'tread lightly and you make not know me as well as you think you do." The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy gasp and the camera shows a woman who was shocked like this was the first time she heard it. Even though they just played that scene 30 seconds ago. Thanks for reading this far.

Emily finishes her face time by basically saying Ben is an idiot for choosing Courtney over her and he's an idiot if he chooses her. Chris reminds us that Courtney is there, just to make sure you don't change the channel.

Next is the Wizard Of Oz castle guard looking chick named Nicki. Again, footage is shown of Nicki's venture. The square in the bottom left corner shows Nicki's face as she's watching herself being dumped. Her expression doesn't change. She's a castle guard. It's final.

In case you don't remember, Nicki made herself known to the Bachelor Reviews as the woman who rambles on. She takes no exception while being in the hot seat. She talks about how confident she was in her love with Ben. She points out what we all knew: she was shocked when she got dumped. She said that she was just herself and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 man cheer her on. Screw Sesame Street, get your kids to watch this horror.

Next, Kacie B. takes the hot seat. Again, footage of the Kacie B's experience is shown. Her squealing in the limo after being dumped is shown. It's even more awkward to watch than the first time. There's so much sobbing and snot, holy crap balls. I notice, however, that they edited out her blurred mouth F-bombs. I guess they figured that was enough teaching preteen girls about the real world.

Camera comes back and shows a woman in the crowd whipping a tear away from her eye. The 1 guy must've farted. Either that or she must've felt a personal connection with Kacie B. the same way that Kacie B. knew she loved Ben after knowing him for 3 weeks. Another woman is shown taking her glasses off. I don't get why this was shown. What the hell is the point of this episode?

Kacie B. is like a presidential candidate hellbent on winning the election to be the next Bachelorette. The interview basically takes a turn to imply she's going to be. She said that she's ready to find love again and is going to make sure it will be with the right person this time. I can already hear this being uttered over and over again in 2 years.

When we come back from break, it's time to hate the slut of the hour; the paid actress Courtney. Each girl realizes we're in the home stretch of their last time on this show and they all need to find the most creative way they can to describe how much they hate Courtney. Everyone talks over each other. Casey S is asked about Courtney and she defends her because she was a friend of hers. A lot of girls are talking while she talks and Emily makes a ton of faces. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud the girls for all hating Courtney in their own special way.

Chris drops the episode's bomb by saying that Courtney is there to defend herself. The women act shocked and disgusted even though this has been mentioned in every segment so far.

Courtney walks out to a crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy reluctantly clapping. The producers make sure that Emily is shown glaring at Courtney. The mood is super tense as she sits down. Courtney apologizes and says she wishes that she handled things on the show differently. I'm not sure if this is a sign that she won or lost. The crowd is so quiet that you can hear a fan running in the background.

The girls are basically in a 23 on 1 tag team match at this point. Each girl takes their shot at showing Courtney how horrible of a person she is. They all ask her questions as to why she was so mean and while she tries to explain herself, the cameras show Emily and she looks ready to introduce Courtney to a pack of rabid wolves.

Courtney is working the scene great. She's apologizing to everyone and they're all getting frustrated with how she's not being a jerk like she was on the show. Everyone starts fighting and swearing at each other and Courtney just sits back and watches. They're all making Courtney look better and better. Courtney needs to go into a sales job. She'd have the rest of the companies reps fighting with each other at the conference while she's shaking hands with the investors.

Holy crap! I just realized that Blakeley looks like the aliens from "They Live":

I joke, you decide.

Courtney let's go and cries her devil eyes out and unleashes paid actress fury. The room goes silent. As she leaves, the girls continue to talk under the breath but into their microphones about how much they think she's a fraud. But hey, this show isn't.

Finally, Ben comes out and sits in the hot seat. Each girl takes their chance to ask why Ben dumped them. Jennifer basically tells Ben she was disgusted that Ben chose to keep Blakeley over her. Emily whines some more. Jamie tells Ben that if it doesn't work out with whoever he picks that she's still available and would love to have sex with him.

In case you don't remember, she's this smart:

Intelligence absent.

Ben takes this well by just saying "ok." and shows that he'd like to move on.

After that awkward moment, we're treated with the lighter LOL side of The Bachelor. Chris reveals that they have a blooper reel prepared for tonight's episode. It's a great great sequence. Ben gets scared by a small bird, Emily declares some one should go "Casar Milan on a dog's ass" and a cow tries to eat a cameraman.

To end this putrid episode, ABC shows us a preview of next's weeks season finale. Ben must pick between Courtney, the paid actress and Lying Horse Girl Who Has Too Many Names. We're promised that next week's episode is going to be packed with drama and a shocking twist. Translation: There will be 10 minutes of content and 110 minutes of redundancy and people standing on balconies and thinking.

There's An 11.1% Chance Your City's Hot Tubs Are Where To Find Love

As you recall, our crack squad of soon-to-be-forgotten fame seekers are all headed to the land that brought us neutrality, pocket knives, and Roger Federer. That's right, this week we're headed to Switzerland.

Oh fiddlesticks, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before we go to Switzerland, we get a bunch of Ben talking while looking out the window of the airplane. For the first 10 minutes, Ben reviews each of the women and talks about how he loves them and can see himself with each of them. He then reminds us once again that he loves the country of Switzerland. Oh and how he's getting married to one of these women because he loves each of them.

This show is so horrendously redundant.

The 4 are in the Swiss town of Interlaken. Nicki says, "I can't imagine a more perfect place to be in love." This is the 9th place that has been mentioned as the perfect place to be in love. Based on Bachelor logic, this place has a 1 in 9 place to be the perfect place to be in love. That's a 11.11111111111111111111111% (repeating) chance of falling in love.

Bad assumption Nicki. Bad. Assumption.

The first date has Nicki and Ben being picked up by, you guessed it, A HELICOPTER! Ben actually sounds like he's mocking the repeated use of helicopters on this show when he reveals it to Nicki. But Nicki will have none of it. Nicki gets super excited at the site of the helicopter.

The two fly over mountains. Nicki talks about how beautiful this country is. Ben says flying over glaciers and sharp rocks is like being in an adventurious relationship. He also says he wouldn't want anyone else to be on this adventure but Nicki.

Just remember that over the next few days he's going to be having sex with with 2 other women.

After they're done with their stupid metaphors, they land on top of one of the mountains and Ben whips out the picnic basket. They sit to drink wine (there's no food, they're drinking on empty stomachs? Probably. Logic? They didn't blow chunks on the helicopter ride.)

Nicki rambles on about how happy she was that Ben likes her family. Then they talk about how great the conversations is that they're having. Seriously, nothing is said here. All they do is talk about talking and about how great it is to be talking. Nicki said she just wants to scream from the top of the mountain, Ben turns and "hoots" like an owl. Nicki again says she's in love with Ben after that.

They get back into the helicopter and get taken to another mountain and the helicopter leaves. Nicki says, "The view is endless. Which could be compared to our future together." Please, just someone stab me in the face with the corner of a lego piece.

The corners of Legos are sharp. I'm sure they could do some damage.

Back from break, Ben and Nicki are walking to dinner. I was hoping that the helicopters were just going to fly away and never come back. If you remember, Ben has some serious survival skills as covered by the time he was left with...um...one of them on a deserted island. I guess on this small mountain peak they couldn't hide the interns very well.

Nicki squeeks while walking. I don't even know what's going on with that.

They go to a log cabin to have dinner. Ben asks Nicki if she's thought about what their weeks and weekends are going to be like after the show. Nicki says, "I've thought about it, Ben. A lot. And it's crazy to think that our first adventures were in Sonoma (his home), San Fran, and then it's like giddy, get to know you and like 'oh this is where he lives and this is where he works!'"

Through this rambling response, as she always does, Ben gives the most unintentionally hilarious response to her:

"Yeah. That was the point."

Eventually they get on the subject of having kids. Ben says that he wants to have 4 and Nicki gives him a shocked facial expression and says she always thought to have 2. I think it would've been really great if she just said "that's too much" and got up and left. Instead, she immediately backtracks her desire for 2 and says that she'd be willing to have as many as Ben wants.

All of this making babies talk is getting Ben in the mood. He decides this is the perfect time to give a key to Nicki to invite her to spend the night discovering the spots where the bathing suit covers up. Which basically translates to, "if you want to be my 6 month wife, we must go and have sex right now at my command." Nicki says she accepts and they make out. Nicki asks when they can go up to the room and Ben reveals that he's ready to go and get laid right now.

They make their way to the Fantasy Suite and ABC makes sure they show the entire room. Just so all of us guys remember that our "hey, you wanna just get a room at Econolodge?" question sucks royall ass. And then they show the bed, to remind us of where the heavy petting is going to be happening tonight.

They sit down and talk some more. Nicki starts laying it on thick, basically telling Ben that she's the only girl in the world that will work for him. It's rather amusing how desperate she sounds. Then they move to a hot tub and make out some more.

Nicki once again says she thinks Ben and herself will be happy together for the rest of their lives. I hope she remembers saying this a million times on this show when she's arguing with Ben about how he went and bought a 6 pack when he was suppose to go to the store to get diapers for 1 of the 4 children. Two of which she will remind him she didn't even want.

The next date is with The Lying Horse Girl. I've really given up on the whole name thing. I thought it would be funny to keep adding on it, but it just got really annoying. This show is annoying. Everything is annoying. Are you still reading this?

The couple walks through the woods and Ben acts shocked when he sees that they're going to be repelling down a cliff. Because the producers didn't tell him where they were going or what they were doing. The music gets super intense as Lying Horse Girl panics. If you recall, she's terrified of heights.

Ben has the look on his face that says "I'm going to F#@$ destroy these producers." As they hang in the air, Lying Horse Girl says that hanging off a cliff is like being in a relationsh...you know what, forget it. Not only are you probably sick of the metaphor jokes, I'm sick of trying to find new jokes about them. This shit is so stupid. (I try not to swear in these so they don't get blocked by certain sites. But I can't take it anymore.)

The music turns adventurous as they risk death, because it's the only way to know if you love someone. Before they reach the ground, Ben grabs Lying Horse Girl and they make out. The producers must be glad about this because it would have been a huge waste of time and money if they didn't act like this brought them together. They get into a hot tub and Lying Horse Girl talks about how happy she is that she's here with Ben. There's more talking. It's really boring. And then they make out some more.

Back from break, the two sit down for dinner and...FART FACE MONTAGE:

What the hell is going on with her hair, anyway?

There's really nothing else exciting about this dinner. I think Lying Horse Girl professed her love for Ben, but I'm not really sure. I'm not really paying attention. Lying Horse Girl sounds like she's losing her voice.

Ben gives Lying Horse Girl a key to the Fantasy Suite and she says, "Normally I don't just, you know, go stay the night with anyone. But I would love to." It's good to know that she wouldn't normally do this, but since she wants to stay on this scripted game show, she's willing to have pre-martial sex with a guy she's known for weeks on national television. They go up to the room and they make out on the bed.

Finally, Ben is going on a date with the paid actress, Courtney. Ben is going into this date with the premise of being worries about Courtney's attitude toward the other women.

They get onto a train and Ben says that there's something romantic about riding a train. I really don't know what that could be. Especially on the train they're on. It's got hard, wooden seats and is bright yellow. If this is the basis of being a romantic thing, he could have just taken her to a booth at McDonalds.

They go to random shops in the small village and buy food for a picnic. They decide the perfect spot to consume food is near some cows. Ben asks Courtney if she's ever played the game "Hey Cow". She says no and when asked how you play, Ben tells her the rules.

"You yell "HEY COW!" at the top of your lungs and if they look at you, you win."

"Oh ok"

(Courtney turns to the cows) "HEY COW!"

(The cows don't look.)

Ben: "Well, you lost."

What a douche.

Courtney tries to apologize for being mean and demeaning to the other girls. Ben tells her that it was a concern for him for awhile. Courtney fixes her hair at least 12 times during this conversation. This episode seriously hasn't given me anything worth writing about. I'm grasping at straws here.

Courtney apologizes for being mean and wishes that she would've handled the stuff with Emily better. Ben says he thinks she's great because she was able to pretend to not be a paid shit stirer for a 2 minute confession. He offers her the Fantasy Suite Key and the chances of the producers allowing Courtney to say no to one more week of getting ratings were as about as good as the chances of this show getting cancelled in the next 2 minutes. They go back to the Fantasy Suite and make out some more in a hot tub. Ben talks about how small the hot tub is but how he enjoys it. Courtney climbs on him and they make out some more.

Because this episode just doesn't have enough content (which, I'm sure you can tell by now), they reveal this Fall's Bachelorette which is Emily Maynard from Brad's season. I know I thought it was a sure thing that the next Bachelorette was going to be Emily from this season. There's too many Emilys in my life and there isn't even an Emily in my life. I don't know any Emilys other than these two. I'm tired.

From the looks of the preview, there's going to be no change in the amount of crap this show produces. Already, Emily has reminded us 3 times that she's a single mom who wants to find happiness with a guy again.

ABC gives us a huge morale boost by having former Bachelorettes Ali and Ashley H. show up to "train" Emily on how to be the Bachelorette. This whole sequence is super nauseating. The three of them act like the Three Musketeers if the Three Musketeers only goal in life was to make America have a Russian Roulette party.

First, they walk into a store and buy Emily some clothes to wear on the show because this is absolutely neccessary to find love on a game show. After that, they go and get make-up done even though they already have make up on. And finally, ABC needs to plug Titanic 3D to help fill ABC/Paramount Pictures/Leonardo DiCaprio/Kate Winslet's pockets. So, they have the girls go to a movie theater to watch the movie. Ali says that she's excited to go and watch this movie and hopes Emily can create her own love story. Because nothing could say love more than watching a movie where one of the lovers dies.

I may have just ruined the end of that movie for some of you. If I did, too bad. I don't care. The movie came out 15 years ago. Go watch it on VHS.

So we're enticed to go to re-see this movie in the theater and give them millions, Ashley H. then reminds us that 3D movies are in 3D. She says, "I feel like I'm there. Like I could touch that." as she's making this gesture:

She must be referencing touching Kate Winslet's boob.

Back from break, Ben walks out to the balcony to reflect on who gave him the best sexual experience over the past 3 nights. Just as he's remembering his awesome experiences, Kacie B. shows up to ruin the fun and once again I have to listen to her whiney voice. Her seemingly random flight to Switzerland, cunning intuition to which hotel and hotel room he's at is all documented by the cameras and microphone operators. Ben, with the cameras in perfect place to catch, shows a state of shock when he opens the door. This show is garbage.

Kacie B flew half way around the world to accomplish what a simple phone call could have. She wants to know what happened between her and Ben. He says that after meeting her family, that he wouldn't be able to give her what she needed. He basically tells her that being interrogating by her over protective, non drinking dad was what killed her chances with a win producer who wants to marry her after knowing her for 4 weeks. That's probably a run on sentence. I don't care. Why are you still reading this? Kacie B. sucks.

Kacie B. drops the BIGGEST BACHELOR BOMB to date. She tells Ben that she doesn't like Courtney and that she's not right for Ben. She tells him that Courtney's comments have been red flags that she's not in it to marry Ben, but to win a game show. Because we all now this isn't a game show. This is a TRUE way to find love.

Kacie B. leaves the room and lays down on the floor in the hallway to get some more facetime in her "Campaign To Be the Bachelorette." More voice over of her complaining again. Ben is sitting on the couch and thinking.

Back from break, Ben stares at the pictures of the girls and contemplates Kacie B.'s return. ABC pushes Chris Harrison on camera so the two of them can sit down and talk. Ben tells Chris that Kacie B. flying half way around the world to ask him what went wrong confused the hell out of him. Chris offers to have Kacie B. come back for the Rose Ceremony but Ben declines. There's more emtional music as Ben stares at the pictures of the woman and, you guess it, this show is a steaming pile of cow turds.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Ben says some speech about love and how he has to know which person he wants to have in his life. He's basically hiding the fact that he's questioning Courtney's desire to be there. Don't worry, Ben. We all know the producer want her there.

Ben dumps Nicki. Nicki says she's happy he's dumped her and she says that she hopes he doesn't get hurt. She's pretty much implying that if he chooses Courtney that he's going to. She then gets into the limo and starts crying. I'd say she holds it together pretty good. She didn't drop the blurred mouth F-bombs like Kacie B did last week.

I can only imagine how awkward it must be in these limo rides for the cameraman. I'm sure he just turns on the light and sits there with his camera in his lap. He pretends the girl is not in the car with him and just waits for her to start to cry and have a snot infested meltdown. He must be well trained to know when the perfect time is to hit the record button. Too early and she may snap at him for being too anxious. Too late and he may not get the initial running of the mucus waterfall.

So now Ben has it down to the final two girls. Lying Horse Girl and the paid actress. The producers are really trying to throw America a curv eball this year. Usually they have the paid actress gone by now.

Next week all of the women come back for the "Women Tell All" show. I really hope they just talk about how much Ben is a douche.

I know they won't. But one can dream.

Bachelor Review - Please Come And Meet My Robot Mother

How many of you sitting there right now can name the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Quick, off the top of your head. What are they're names?

If you didn't stop to try and think of them and kept reading, 1) you must be really anxious to read about this terrible show, or 2) you think I'm going to give you the answer to this.

And you're right. The correct answers are: Courtney, Kacie B, Nicki, Lying Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll.

Now that I think about it, Lying Horse Girl's interest in horses now makes perfect sense.

That's right, people. Ben is down to the final 4 women in his journey into televised, contractually scripted dating show. Let's BRING IT!

This week is the big week where Ben is going to the town of each of the 4 women to meet their families and watch as the family's sanity is challenged when wondering why their daughter is professing love to a man they've known for weeks. In case you forgot from last week and the 5 million times it was mentioned, the stakes are super high and each minute with Ben is crucial.

We first travel to Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll hometown of Ocala, FL. She claims she's super excited to have Ben come back and meet her parents because she's only done this one time before. That one time turned out to be the guy that broke her heart. When Ben shows up, he mentions that it's super sexy to see her (i'm really just trying to prevent having to type this Godzilla-of-a-name I've created) riding on a horse. He then promptly helps her get off the horse.

Lying Apocalyptic Horse...yep, takes Ben for a ride on her horse and she says, "If Ben ends up with me then horses are going to be a part of our live." I hope this is true. Picturing these two in some sort of weird revamp of Mr. Ed would be awesome. Especially if the horse just bit them every time they came into the barn.

Lying Horse...yep, then compares getting kicked off a horse and then getting back on like getting heart broken and then going back and trying again. We're not even 5 minutes into this week's episode and she's already nailed another love analogy. I can't count this anymore, it made me want to scream at kids walking home from school.

The two stop underneath a tree where there is a blanket and some lunches put there by the producers. I'm shocked that they didn't try to play it off that the super spontaneous and awesome Ben didn't have this in some sort of backpack or something. The only conclusion I could come up as to why they wouldn't have him carry it is because they were riding on a horse carriage directly in the path of the horses' ass gas and poo bag.

Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses...HEADFAKE, talks about her past relationship and Ben compliments on how proud he is that she's finally opening up to him. He tells her how happy he is that she opened up and told him about her past relationship. And then they make out.

On the ride back to her house, she attempts to start singing "Over The River And Through The Woods". This is how that brilliant attempt went:

"Over the woods and through the..no. Over the..through the woods..through the..water." Basically, she could have just thrown monkey dookie at a 10 foot tall fan and gotten the same result.

The two head back to meet her parents. The parents act surprised when they see them ride up in the horse carriage, though cameras are sitting there to show their excitement.

The 4 of them sit down and talk about Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And Always Talks Like She's Holding In A Fart Denied Drum Roll (I was due) parents getting married at the exact same city hall in San Francisco that Ben and Lying Apoc-SYKE broke into a few weeks back. She acts as if she's surprised and it wasn't like the producers either knew this, or told the parents to say it.

Dad then challenges Ben in a horse race. Lying Apocalypse Horse Girl and Ben vs. her parents. Dad then Dad tells Ben that they're not allowed to run this race without trash talking.

The music gets super dramatic and starts to sound like ESPN's Sports Center theme in 1984. Dad and Ben trash talk and it's pathetic. The parents win the race and make Ben and their daughter pull them back the house. .

The next part gets super boring. Ben has a one on one chat with her mom and he mentions how he didn't realize how big horses are in Lying..yep's life. Mom mentions how they fended off boys and made her stay focused on horses. By my calculations, that means she would be on many websites for very sick individuals.

Ben then talks to her dad and he seems like he may have a few drinks in him. The producers must be so proud that their focus on intoxication on this show has now had collateral damage on parents.

They make a fire and cook smores. Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl's...wassap parents say they think she found a keeper he tells them that they raised a great girl. Dad proposes a toast and says that they would love to have Ben as their son in law after knowing him for one afternoon. After that, Ben and Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And thisiswhereIforgottherest decide they should walk away from the parents and into the dark woods to make out in celebration.

It's really quite obvious, this girl is going to win.

Next, we venture to Clarksville, Tennessee to visit the family of the girl who's voice sounds litterally like nails on a chalkboard if the nails could wine while scraping: Kacie B. I'm not sure why this show is still referring to her as Kacie B. There's no other Kacie for her to be confused with. In fact, there never was another Kacie for her to be confused with. There was a Casey S. But Casey S. spelled her name that way; the right way.

Honestly, I know the answer. I'm trying really hard to just focus on something else while Kacie B. talks.

Ben shows up to a football field where a high school marching band is playing They eventually reveal Kacie B. who is twirling a baton behind them. It appears to be raining and dreary which is why I was hoping that she would've slipped and fell at one point. I didn't get my wish.

They walk up and talk in the bleachers. Kacie B. reveals that the football field they're at was named after her grandfather. She tells Ben about how the most influential story of her life is the story of her grandparents love for each other. I'm so glad that their love story was what influenced her to go on a prime time dating show.

Kacie B reveals to Ben that her dad is a probation officer who doesn't drink. This comes as a surprise to Ben who just cracked open a bottle of wine 20 seconds prior. Kacie B. says they're in the Bible Belt and Ben says they're in the Bourbon Belt. Kacie B. lets out a super annoying laugh. I hate this show.

Ben and Kacie B. head back to her parents house to have dinner. Kacie B.'s sister, who looks like a salamander, is there as well. After dinner, Kacie B.'s dad takes Ben aside to talk. It's not so much as getting to know him as it is an interrogation. I'm convinced this guy has partners of his in the next room, checking Ben's fingerprints as they're talking.

Her father says that he hopes that if Ben realizes Kacie B. is not the one for him, that he dump her soon so that she doesn't get to involved and it crushes her in the end. The guy seriously looks like he just wants Ben to get abducted by aliens.

He then talks to her mom and she basically tells Ben he's not allowed to do anything with her daughter until they're married. If her parents aren't making the next person Ben is going to dump obvious, then I can't help you.

Kacie B. then sits down with her dad and he tells her how stupid it is to try and find love on a televised dating show. I suddenly love everything about Kacie B.'s father.

He then tells her that he wont let her marry Ben and Kacie B. gets mad. She says she knows that Ben is the right guy for her because she's been dating him with 24 other women for 8 weeks. She says she thinks that her and Ben's relationship may have just taken a bad turn and that she's scared.

Kacie B., you now know how it felt to be on the Titanic.

Next, we head to Fort Worth, Texas where Ben is meeting up with Nicki, the Wizard of Oz castle guard looking girl. Ben says he loves everything about Texas, especially Texas Nicki.

Ben and Nicki keep up the stereo-type of all Texans by going into a cowboy boot shop to buy some boots. An older man who looks like Stan Lee, if Stan Lee put on a cowboy hat and chose to wear terrible pink shirts, tells them to feel free to try anything on. I don't really have any sort of joke here, I just wanted to be able to put Stan Lee into this entry so that I get the comic book guys to come to this blog. The whole ugly pink shirt thing wasn't a joke. It's seriously a terrible shirt.

Later on they stop at a park bench and crack open the wine and drink it, which I'm pretty sure breaks public alcohol consumption laws. Nicki rambles on about how excited she is to have Ben meet her parents. Which is something we're shocked to hear.

They arrive at one of Nicki's parents house. I'm not sure which one the house belongs to because the parents are divorced.

Anyway, so they know all about what it takes to be married long term to someone. Nicki's mom pulls her into a side bedroom to talk about Ben. The camera shows her mom awkwardly rubbing her leg. It's kind of disturbing. I don't really remember what they talked about because I was trying not to focus on the weird thing that was being shown. I'm sure it was nothing more than talking about Nicki's divorce and how excited she is to love again. That's all that happens on this show. Metaphors about love and people talking about the metaphors of being in love.

That and dead relatives.

Nicki then talks to her dad and he tells her that he has to be careful this time because he may have

given her hand before he knew it was right with her last marriage. He then starts crying, Nicki starts crying. The Wicked Witch Of The West is melllllllllllllting from the tears.

Had to.

Nicki's father then says he approves of Ben and that he would love for his daughter to marry him. After dinner, Nicki takes Ben to the bedroom and professes her love to him by saying "like" 5 million times. Then, they make out.

Finally, Ben goes to the hometown of the paid actress named Courtney. Courtney lives in Scottsdale, AZ. Or, as I'm sure she calls it "the breeding ground for my scorpions."

Ben meets up with the paid actress' family which probably means they're all a bunch of paid actors and actresses as well. They sit down to have lunch (not dinner, it's too bright for dinner). Courtney's mom's chin is something that legends are made up. She looks like she doesn't even need a plate, she can just place her Caesar salad right on thing.

The rest of the lunch is super boring. Boring because Emily isn't sitting at the table for Courtney to harass and make fun of. Courtney mentions how she feels bad about making fun of the other girls. Which is good that she decided to wait until none of them were around to confess this.

Courtney's mom calls her out about being able to fall in love in 8 weeks with a guy who was dating other women on a scripted television show. I liked Kacie B.'s dad for doing this to her, but I don't like Courtney's mom. Ok, that chin looks like it could cut steel piping. I better say that I like her before it tries to cut me.

Courtney sits down to talk to her mom and her talks like she can't remember the lines that ABC has given her. Either that or she's a robot. Robots are awesome.

Ok, I like Courtney's paid actress mom because she's a robot and that bleeping chin.

They grab themselves a picnic basket and take a walk to a park to have a picnic...even though they apparently just ate at Courtney's parents house. Finally Ben is shown actually chewing. Courtney confesses that she wants to have Ben in her life but can't tell him that she loves him just yet

Minutes later, Courtney tells Ben she loves him. She find a super creative way about doing this. She takes him to a wedding alter where a Justice Of The Peace magically appears. They both write wedding vows and she makes him put on a bow tie. They put twine wedding rings on each others fingers and she says she loves him in her wedding vow. I seriously need to stop doing this.

Back from break, Chris Harrison decides to sit down with Ben back in LA and talk about the last 2 hours of the show. This show lacks so much content. It's so redundant, but they need to fill time. If they honestly wanted to entertain me, they could've just shown bonus footage of Courtney being demeaning to Emily.

I just fast fowarded through the rest of this interview.

Aty the rose ceremony, Chris re-re-re-re-re-eff my life- explains that there are only 3 roses on the table and that one girl is going home. This guy really can put "game show host" on his resume? I think we should have Chris be The Bachelor one of these years. He would just try to explain the rules to himself and then get super confused. Then he'd try to interview himself and regurgitate the same story to himself and finally tell himself that there's only one rose left on the table and yeah it's late I need to wrap this up.

Ben stands in awkard silence and then dumps Kacie B. I'm kind of surprised. I honestly thought it was going to come down to her and Lying Apocalyptic Horse Girl Who Uses Feces As Make-Up And dammit I thought I would get it this time.

Kacie B. tells Ben that she doesn't want him to be sorry that he dumped her on national TV. They share awkward silence as she cries and then she gets into a car and complains about how she thought she was what he wanted. She then sounds like she just had someone punch her in the gut in mid sentence. There's so much sobbing and squeeking going on. It making me uncomfortable.

She then asks, "WHAT THE F%#$ HAPPENED!? WHAT THE F#$@ HAPPENED!?" as if he totalled her car or something.

Ben goes back inside and makes a joke about dumping Kacie B. You're right, people. He is kind of a douche.

Then he reveals that him and the three remaining girls are going to go to Switzerland. A neutral country where Ben is going to show no bias to any of the 3 remaining women.

Next week, he's going to have sex with all of them.

No judging.