Bachelor Review - If Your Marriage Doesn't Work Out, Call Me.

Ben is down to just 2 women. The last sentence in last week's review mentioned how this episode was going to be 10 minutes of content and 110 minutes of pure redundancy. I am warning you right now, I must be Ms. [expletive] Cleo.

By the way, I haven't edited this one bit. It's 2am now and I'm done.

But honestly who hasn't stayed up every night this week and thought, "I will not feed the children until I can find out if Ben found love?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!?????????!"

??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!krejbre0iohrpiuwrb

We start our final journey with Ben by showing him riding on a monorail and super dramatic music is played by ABC. Ben talks about how much of a good time he has when hanging out with Lying Horse Girl. He says, "The one thing I need from Lindzi is more time. I hope there is more time." No doubt Ben is a believer in the 2012 apocalypse.
Next he talks about Courtney and how he still has questions about her. He wonders why all of the girls keep warning him about her. I can't stand this show anymore. I just want to reach into my TV and grab Ben's ear and say "BEN! JUST GO BACK AND WATCH THE FOOTAGE THAT WE GOT ALL SEASON LONG OF HER BEING MEAN TO THE OTHER GIRLS! LOL!"

Courtney is shown petting a random cat and drinking coffee. Ben reminds us that this is a difficult decision as dramatic music is played. Then, we get a solid 30 seconds of people walking out to balconies and thinking. Ben mentions about how he hopes the Matterhorn helps him make his decision. Matterhorn is the name of the mountain that Ben is staring at. No doubt ABC slipped him a note before he walked out on the balcony that read "Walk outside, look pensive, stare at the mountain. Call it "the Matterhorn."

ABC flies Ben's mom and sister out to meet up with him by the Matterhorn so they can embrace Lying Horse Girl and criticize Courtney (presumably). He never mentions that his father is dead and how he wishes he could be there to judge the girls as well.

They show up and Ben cries when he sees them, claiming that he hasn't seen them in so long. I had to stop and grab a tissue. I'm starting to well up. For those of you who think that Ben is a douche, I hope you feel bad now. He loves his mom and his sister.

Ben mentions how this has been an emotional ride and he just wants to feel like he's home. To do this, he gives them a hug and they all sit down in his $10,000 per night suite to talk.

Ben tells his mom and sister that they're going to meet/critique Lying Horse Girl first. Ben's mom looks like she's trying to remember the lines that ABC gave her while they talk. She ends up never saying anything and Ben's sister questions if Ben even likes Lying Horse Girl. Then they start talking about Courtney and Ben's sister tells him to watch out. It's clear that the producers made her watch the footage from earlier episodes, just so they can get her to bash Courtney like the rest of the women.

Lying Horse Girl shows up to his "feelslikehomeluxurysuite" and they talk about how Lying Horse Girl rode a horse up to meet Ben in episode 1. Let that last sentence sink in.

The 4 of them sit down to each lunch and Lying Horse Girl tells us how nervous she is. She keeps dropping things and Ben's mom is shown chewing a long. Quirky fun music is being play and they all awkwardly laugh. Lying Horse Girl may be making herself her own fake marriage grave.

Finally mom starts talking. She pulls Lying Horse Girl aside and asks her what she sees in Ben. Tons of fart faces occur. She rambles on by saying, "Ben is such a great guy" in 17 different ways. It's 11:35 and I'm only 10 minutes into this. There's so much talking going on right now.

Next. Lying Horse Girl and Ben's sister go out on a balcony with wine glasses the size of basketballs. I'm sorry, I don't remember her name and don't care enough about her to go back and find out what it is. I'm just going to call her Michael Keaton from now on.

They talk a lot about how much Lying Horse Girl likes Ben, because we haven't heard it enough times yet. Then, the producers tell Michael Keaton to ask Lying Horse Girl about Courtney. Lying Horse Girl tells MK (you see what I did right there?! Michael Keaton's initials. Not Mortal Kombat.) that Courtney is the devil and MK believes so too. She tells Lying Horse Girl that she'd be happy to have her as a sister in law for 6 months.

Ben and Michael Keaton talk and I just heard him say to her, "Thanks Jule" Pronounced Jewell. I probably didn't need to tell you that. I guess her name is Julia? Fine.

Only 68 minutes to go.

Next is Courtney's meeting with JULIA and Mom. First, we're treated to more voice over and Ben thinking on a balcony. Then, Ben's sister reminds us again that she's not going to like Courtney, because 1) she's a model and 2) because of what Lying Horse Girl said. Ben's mom looks like she doesn't know where she is, all the time.

Courtney and Ben meet outside to talk and make out a little. Courtney says she's going to be on her best behavior. Ben sounds nervous. He knows that Courtney could walk in and her and his sister could turn into monsters and fight each other. It'd be like BattleBots, just no robots. Robots are still so awesome.

They walk in and Ben says, "What I need my mom and my sister to do is not to prejudge her." Too late, Ben. Sis has already sharpened a knife of hate. They talk a lot, I don't pay attention.

JULIA takes Courtney out to the balcony to talk more about how she was hated by everyone on this show but Ben. Courtney says that she made her fair share of mistakes, but never mentions how she was a paid actress hired to keep driving ratings. Courtney mentions how she hopes that JULIA doesn't judge her for being mean. Which I think is totally reasonable to ask for when you're talking to your possible future in-law.

Next, Courtney sits down with mom and tells mom about how funny Ben is. She says that her cheeks are sore after hanging out with Ben because she laughs the whole time. Ben's mom seriously looks like she just wants to go home. Heartwarming music is played.

Ben and Julia sit down to talk about Courtney. Ben asks her for her first impression and Julia replies with "Shocked." The music gets super dramatic and she sounds like she's about to go down the "get out before she stabs you with past boyfriend's bones" path, but then says she thinks Courtney is a really nice girl. The music instantly lightens and is heartwarming. So, so much heartwarming music on this show. Yanni is probably getting teary eyed somewhere.

JULIA says she feels like she really got to know Courtney in the 90 second conversation and tells Ben she thinks that Courtney would be a good fit. I can't believe this. This just isn't fair. There's still 60 minutes left of this garbage and I know it's just going to be filled with Ben reminding us that this is such a tough decision and it's even tougher now that his sister likes both girls. They hug and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, Ben is sitting on a couch with his arms around his sister and mom. Mom puts her leg over Ben's and I look away in discomfort. They talk more about the two girls and what mom and sis thought of them. I'm out of jokes about this. I hate this show.

They mention the dead father again. Quota filled.

After they're done talking Ben walks his mom and sis out of their luxury suite so they can talk more outside. Ben tries to give his mom a kiss but she turns her head away at the last second like a child does when their mom tries to feed them green beans.

Back from break and onto the the last dates each girl will have with Ben until he dumps one of them. Ben takes Lying Horse girl on a date first. They take a horse and carriage through town and there's super dramatic music. Ben reveals to her that they're going to go skiing on the Matterhorn. I don't know if this is suppose to be subliminal advertising or not, but it's working. I want to visit the Matterhorn.

Ben says "It's crazy, right!?" Skiing in Switzerland?" No, Ben. It's not really that crazy at all.

They get onto the gondola to ride to the top of the Matterhorn. Lying Horse Girl talks about how skiing down a mountain is like being in a relationship. I feel sick.

The gondola "unexpectedly" stalls and they show no concern. Lying Horse Girl says, "Now it's just me and Ben". Besides the cameraman and microphone operator, she's right.

I expected her to say, "being stuck on a gondola is like being stuck in a relationship" but instead she says that being stuck on the gondola is the perfect time to open up and does just that. Ben tells her that he's proud of how much she's opened up and she talks about how talking about opening up has really made her comfortable to open up.

After they're done talking, they ski down the Alps. It's not quite risking death so Lying Horse Girl doesn't talk about overcoming a fear.

Back from commercial, Ben goes up to Lying Horse Girls room to talk. They talk about how talking is so good for them and then they make out. Then they talk some more about relationships and how they want to be happy and they want to find someone who they can love forever and wow I'm not even half way through this.

Lying Horse Girl rambles on and then tells Ben that she loves him. He replied, "That's good." and thanks her for opening up again. They go out onto the balcony and Lying Horse Girl talks about how sure she is about their love. She's "100 percent sure". Ben seems disinterested. She's a goner.

Next, Ben walks down some traintracks toward Courtney. No train hits Ben or Courtney. I am disappointed.

Ben tells Courtney he's got a surprise for her on their final date. The surprise? They're flying around in a helicopter! Never saw this one coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben tells Courtney that they're going to fly over the mountains to Italy. I don't know what the securty levels are at this border but I'm hoping a military helicopter flies in and shoots them down.

The helicopter lands in Italy. I am disappointed.

They get out of the helicopter and talk about Courtney meeting with his mom and sister. There's so much talking. They fall backward to make snow angels. It's a real cute moment. The music gets super happy and dramatic. Next, they sled down the Matterhorn because we haven't seem this thing enough times. Then, they make out because they need to fill......44 MINUTES?!

Ben visits Courtney's hotel room and they make out. She gives him a gift and it's a photo album that the producers made for her. She tells Ben she's been working on it for awhile now, even though many of the pictures shown were distance shots. She reads him a love letter that the producers wrote for her. She reads the entire thing and we have to sit through it all. After she's gone, Ben says, "That's really nice. Talk about being vulnerable!" I don't think that was the right choice of words, but he lunges in for a kiss. So maybe they were.

They go back to the couch and sit down to talk about how crappy of a person Courtney is. The music gets dramatic as Ben defends being worried about Courtney. After they're done filling this crap of a segment in this crap of a show, Ben leaves. Courtney cries because she thinks she might be losing Ben. Cut to commercial.

Back from commercial, Ben reviews his relationships with Courtney and Horse Girl for the 40th time tonight. I'm not going to lie, I fast forwarded. This isn't fun anymore.

Ben mentions his dead father and how he wishes he could be there to tell him that he likes both of the girls and the fact that dad likes both of the girls is going to make it even harder on him. Again, sentences are probably not making sense anymore. I don't care.

Lying Horse Girl is shown thinking while laying in bed. Then, she is shown thinking while walking around Next, we're shown Courtney thinking while looking through the window. And then she's shown thinking while walking around.

Ben is shown thinking while walking around. Flashbacks of each girl making out with Ben in hot tubs are played during voice overs about how great Ben is.

Again, thanks for reading.

Ben meets with a ring dealer on a balcony. The ring dealer mocks how this is Ben's second time doing this. Ben talks about how excited he is while holding these rings because ABC is paying for it.

19 minutes! We're almost home!

Both girls get picked up in 2 different helicopters. I was really hoping they'd both get picked up by the same one so we can watch the aftermath where Ben sits with one of the girls on one side of the helicopter and the other girl cries.

First, we get the helicopter with the contestant that's going to be dumped. The helicopter touches down and Chris Harrison's hair is shown blowing mightily in the wind. It's Lying Horse Girl and she's wearing a giant cape.

They make her walk forever up a mountain in high heels while a voice over plays. She talks about how excited she is to be marrying Ben and how much she loves him. This is reality show exploitation and cruelty at it's finest.

Lying Horse Girl brings a new meaning to the term rambling. Ben gives her a huge speech about how perfect she is for him and then dumps her on the spot. Lying Horse Girl takes this well and doesn't cry. She actually looks kind of digusted. Kacie B. is now in Tennessee and wanted for murder.

Ben walks her back to her own helicopter and tells Ben to not feel bad because she knows it's her fault. She then says, "If it doesn't work out. Call me?" which is funny. She then puts her cape back on and gets onto the helicopter. Dramatic music is played but Lying Horse Girl doesn't turn into a snot fest.

The final segment, only 8 minutes left. Courtney is brought to the mountaintop where Ben and Chris (of course) stand. Courtney says, "I'm a good person and good things happen to good people." If this show is any sort of indication, good things happen to bad, bad serpents.

Courntey walks toward Ben and he gives her an incredibly long speech about how great it's been to date a paid actress while dating 24 other women. He then says "BUT!" and the music gets super dramatic as if he's about to dump Courtney as well.

Ben just gave us a huge LOL. It's 1:46am and I just laughed out loud to the point of scaring my dog across the room. He ends up proposing to Courtney and the music gets super happy. Courtney acts super excited as Ben drops to his knee. She now knows she can bring the Omen onto the world.

Both of them declare that they will love each other forever. Forever is only 6 months and a "Bachelor Pad" season away.

It's over. The whole damn thing is over. I can sleep on Tuesday nights now. I really don't know what to say other than I can sleep on Tuesday nights now and not hate myself.

Oh, and one thing I forgot about is the "After The Final Rose" episode which plays right after the finale. It's just going to be more reviewing the reviewing of the show. I'm not going to review this.

There's no joke here. I'm just not doing it. Leave me alone.

A Last Ditch Effort To Get Face Time On National Television

I remember growing up being taught that talking over someone or interrupting someone was rude. You should wait your turn while listening to what that person had to say. The contestants on The Bachelor were never taught this rule. In their dying, one last chance at spending a few more weeks in the super market tabloids, these women took the stage for the Women Tell All Episode to argue and throw verbal jabs at one another. These women know no ceiling in the house of disgust. "Bitch" is a term that was thrown around more times than one is willing to count.

The Women Tell All Episode is the creme de la creme when it comes to garbage television. Most of my readers already are seasoned veterans to The Bachelor. But for the rest of you who have a life that doesn't involve glutton for pain, I will lay it all out.

ABC has brought back the 23 girls that Ben has dumped this year in order for them to sit on stage and argue with each other while a crowd full of hundreds of women and 1 guy watch and applaud everything.

He's only smiling because he ran out of tears.

The show starts out with Chris Harrison recapping the entire season. He drops the bombshell that Courtney is going to be there tonight to "defend herself" The crowd of hundres of women and 1 guy act shocked and start to applaud. I'm warning you right now, this is going to be the format for this review. One girl starts to talk and the rest of the girls argue with that person, and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud.

After that, we venture into a shameless plug for Bachelor Pad. Everything about this promo is terrible. All it was, was 10 minutes of people talking about how they want to have sex with a bunch of people in the room. Ali, who was once considered the proof that this show worked, is on here. She apparently broke the engagement with Roberto. She's got a voice that sounds like someone jammed one of those New Years Eve noise makers down her trachea.

Back from break, we're shown more review footage from the season, because everyone would be watching this if they didn't watch the season. Chris decides to get the girls to gang up on Blakeley first. Blakeley made it very well known on the show that she wasn't there to make friends, she was just there to be with Ben. The rest of the girls saw this as mean and they talk over her to let her know how much of a jerk she was. Samantha is the first girl to grab face time by going on a huge rant about how Blakeley is horrible person. This girl's voice sounds like someone gave a smoke alarm an English dictionary. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud and the rest of the women start to talk all at once realizing that Samantha's voice has taken over.

Next, Britney talks about leaving the show and Samantha cuts her off to continue the Minnie Mouse-voiced rant. I turned down the volume because her voice is intolerable. Samantha is clearly trying to apply to be The Bachelorette. I pray this never happens. There's no way that anyone can listen to her talk without their ears starting to bleed. This might have been the most controversial season of The Bachelor, but this episode is the worst 2 hours of my life. Britney tells Samantha off and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud. Chris says that there's so much more to get to and the cuts it to break.

Next is the verbal slaughtering of Shawntel. If you remember Shawntel crashed the show conveniently when Britney left and said she was in love with Ben. All of the girls saw her as poisonous venom that just got injected into their fake love veins. Ben dumped her within minutes. A recap of all the horrible things that the girls have said about Shawntel is shown while she watches and looks mad. After the recap, the studio is super silent as Shawntel explains that it was hard to hear what the girls were saying behind her back. It's good to know that this show is on national television and teaching today's youth that the best way to handle any curve balls life throws at you is by immediately judging the person and making fun of their physical features.

Emily apologizes and tells Shawntel that she's beautiful and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud. The rest of the girls apologize for being rude to her and you can tell everyone gets nice and warm in their smiles. It's super heartfelt and touching. I get flashbacks of episodes of Full House.

Emily sits in the hot seat next. We're reminded that she can rap, even though it's the loosest, whitest form of rap ever. She has a PHD yet thought it would be smart to go on this show. Footage shows Emily and Ben laughing as they plug one of her 30 analogies of love on the show. Then, things take a turn for the entertaining as they show the struggles between Emily and Courtney.

Emily complained a lot. Holy shit. She basically tries to rationalize her hatred for Courtney. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud and Chris Harrison nods a lot. Emily quotes Ben by saying "He said, 'tread lightly and you make not know me as well as you think you do." The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy gasp and the camera shows a woman who was shocked like this was the first time she heard it. Even though they just played that scene 30 seconds ago. Thanks for reading this far.

Emily finishes her face time by basically saying Ben is an idiot for choosing Courtney over her and he's an idiot if he chooses her. Chris reminds us that Courtney is there, just to make sure you don't change the channel.

Next is the Wizard Of Oz castle guard looking chick named Nicki. Again, footage is shown of Nicki's venture. The square in the bottom left corner shows Nicki's face as she's watching herself being dumped. Her expression doesn't change. She's a castle guard. It's final.

In case you don't remember, Nicki made herself known to the Bachelor Reviews as the woman who rambles on. She takes no exception while being in the hot seat. She talks about how confident she was in her love with Ben. She points out what we all knew: she was shocked when she got dumped. She said that she was just herself and the crowd of hundreds of women and 1 man cheer her on. Screw Sesame Street, get your kids to watch this horror.

Next, Kacie B. takes the hot seat. Again, footage of the Kacie B's experience is shown. Her squealing in the limo after being dumped is shown. It's even more awkward to watch than the first time. There's so much sobbing and snot, holy crap balls. I notice, however, that they edited out her blurred mouth F-bombs. I guess they figured that was enough teaching preteen girls about the real world.

Camera comes back and shows a woman in the crowd whipping a tear away from her eye. The 1 guy must've farted. Either that or she must've felt a personal connection with Kacie B. the same way that Kacie B. knew she loved Ben after knowing him for 3 weeks. Another woman is shown taking her glasses off. I don't get why this was shown. What the hell is the point of this episode?

Kacie B. is like a presidential candidate hellbent on winning the election to be the next Bachelorette. The interview basically takes a turn to imply she's going to be. She said that she's ready to find love again and is going to make sure it will be with the right person this time. I can already hear this being uttered over and over again in 2 years.

When we come back from break, it's time to hate the slut of the hour; the paid actress Courtney. Each girl realizes we're in the home stretch of their last time on this show and they all need to find the most creative way they can to describe how much they hate Courtney. Everyone talks over each other. Casey S is asked about Courtney and she defends her because she was a friend of hers. A lot of girls are talking while she talks and Emily makes a ton of faces. The crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy applaud the girls for all hating Courtney in their own special way.

Chris drops the episode's bomb by saying that Courtney is there to defend herself. The women act shocked and disgusted even though this has been mentioned in every segment so far.

Courtney walks out to a crowd of hundreds of women and 1 guy reluctantly clapping. The producers make sure that Emily is shown glaring at Courtney. The mood is super tense as she sits down. Courtney apologizes and says she wishes that she handled things on the show differently. I'm not sure if this is a sign that she won or lost. The crowd is so quiet that you can hear a fan running in the background.

The girls are basically in a 23 on 1 tag team match at this point. Each girl takes their shot at showing Courtney how horrible of a person she is. They all ask her questions as to why she was so mean and while she tries to explain herself, the cameras show Emily and she looks ready to introduce Courtney to a pack of rabid wolves.

Courtney is working the scene great. She's apologizing to everyone and they're all getting frustrated with how she's not being a jerk like she was on the show. Everyone starts fighting and swearing at each other and Courtney just sits back and watches. They're all making Courtney look better and better. Courtney needs to go into a sales job. She'd have the rest of the companies reps fighting with each other at the conference while she's shaking hands with the investors.

Holy crap! I just realized that Blakeley looks like the aliens from "They Live":

I joke, you decide.

Courtney let's go and cries her devil eyes out and unleashes paid actress fury. The room goes silent. As she leaves, the girls continue to talk under the breath but into their microphones about how much they think she's a fraud. But hey, this show isn't.

Finally, Ben comes out and sits in the hot seat. Each girl takes their chance to ask why Ben dumped them. Jennifer basically tells Ben she was disgusted that Ben chose to keep Blakeley over her. Emily whines some more. Jamie tells Ben that if it doesn't work out with whoever he picks that she's still available and would love to have sex with him.

In case you don't remember, she's this smart:

Intelligence absent.

Ben takes this well by just saying "ok." and shows that he'd like to move on.

After that awkward moment, we're treated with the lighter LOL side of The Bachelor. Chris reveals that they have a blooper reel prepared for tonight's episode. It's a great great sequence. Ben gets scared by a small bird, Emily declares some one should go "Casar Milan on a dog's ass" and a cow tries to eat a cameraman.

To end this putrid episode, ABC shows us a preview of next's weeks season finale. Ben must pick between Courtney, the paid actress and Lying Horse Girl Who Has Too Many Names. We're promised that next week's episode is going to be packed with drama and a shocking twist. Translation: There will be 10 minutes of content and 110 minutes of redundancy and people standing on balconies and thinking.